I can kickstart any conversation without much effort, but right now, I am on edge even to open my mouth. I am good at convincing people, which proved when I started cracking the business deal effortlessly, but right now, it is not about business but poking my nose in someone else's business. Ralph is not someone else, but right now I don't know where we exactly fall; the label for our relationship is blank.
Relationship status, Ralph and I are single but not ready to mingle. You know who fucking was not ready. We both are heartbroken, ready to crawl back to their betrayers.
We perfectly fit and work on the bed, which should make everything else easy, but that was not the case between us. Where the hell did things go wrong? Yeah, part of my running, I know, but also part of his bloody pathetic attachment. I am ready to take the blame for the breakup between us, but he was equally responsible for our relationship's collapse. I am done self-blaming and loathing.
Things will always get diverted, and the conclusion part would be me finding my prey to blame after taking my share, of course.
So, where was I? Right, in the process of striking up a conversation with the person beside me, who was ignoring the notifications and calls that he was receiving consistently. I have peaked at the caller ID; thank God it's his pests. I tried to break the silence by opening my mouth as he was content with the silence.
"You should probably take the call." "I know, but I won't." "You can't avoid them forever." He was annoyed. "Here we go again. I know I am not planning on it, but for now, I want to keep my distance." "You know, right, whatever they did was for your best?" "No, they should stop fucking poking their nose in my business and leave me the hell alone." This was getting intense without even bringing up the actual conversation.
"Ralph, don't you think you forced them somehow?" He abruptly stood from the couch with fierce anger. I knew this day wouldn't get any better when I fucking made up my mind and dug this out. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" If looks could kill, I am sure I wouldn't be dead, but I am sure I would end up having side effects. "You were too much hung up on Asher." "Again, that's my business, not theirs." "They can't just see you suffering right." "Why the hell are you siding with them? You never fucking liked them, right?" "It's not about me but about you, and my liking doesn't count when your action does." It took a few seconds when the words hit him; he started fuming, and I couldn't help it; we should get through with this.
"Ralph, we should talk about it." "About what." "The incidence." "Oh god, it was a fucking mistake; get over it." "It wasn't, and we both know it." "It was, and you should stop bringing that up." "That's not normal, ok. You need to talk about this not with me but with a professional." He raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you are suggesting what I am thinking. If it is, do you fucking think I have not consulted one till now?" "Clearly, it's not helpful, and again, attending a few sessions and dropping in between isn't going to give a solution, right?" "I am done with that shit, and I am not going through that again, so drop it. When I said I want to be left alone, that includes you too. Please mind your damn business." "I would love to if there was anyone else in your place, but that's not the case, and I fucking won't." "Save your breath with those meaningless words. I am not visiting those freaks anymore." "What you committed was not normal. Are you not getting that? Everyone is more worried about you; how can you guarantee something like this won't repeat in the future?" That shut his mouth, but he was desperate to retort on that. He took a long breath, and I was the one who was shouting at the top of my lungs. This needs to be decided today. I can't trust him after the stupid thing he has committed over his fucking ex. "I am constantly worried, and others are too. I am not letting this go that easily, Ralph; you need to talk with someone." "I am not going to repeat it. It was a stupid mistake, and I get it. Shit happens." I sighed; this was not going anywhere, but I needed to get him to agree to this somehow. Can't he show his stubborn attitude some other time? I am happy to deal with it but not right now.
"Ralph, you didn't fight, or it was best to leave that bastard, but you chose to give up on your life. That's not fucking normal." He chuckled in return. "That's a high coming from a coward like you. You left the option running, which you are fucking good at; still, let me humor you: I didn't feel that appealing."
I was shocked and taken aback for a few seconds. It was a true statement, but I hated to hear from him. The conversation was taking a different turn, and I needed to welcome it. We need to discuss our past and get over it, if possible, but I didn't note down my points to debate, and I hate losing to him. This was not a bed to agree on for everything, as lust would take over us. This was a bloody battlefield, and this bastard was going to turn into my burial ground if I let him win. He wouldn't bury me, mind you, but he would dig a deep hole through his damn words.
I am fucking locked. I huffed rolling my eyes. Let's bloody get with it.
"I wanted to discuss everything with you. As things came to this level, let's talk, Ralph. I have so many questions, but only one question haunts me the most, and I want your sincere answer. You never loved me. I would be crazy to ask that one, but at least did you ever like me?"
I am going to regret this. I am an idiot who wants to confirm something that I already know. I had questioned this myself a thousand times, and each time, I would end up getting only one answer, never another one, never once. I was the one who questioned myself all those thousand times, but not even once was I able to get the answer that I was yearning for. I had the power to get the answer I wanted, but strangely, I couldn't. I couldn't bifurcate which one hurt me the most, the question or the answer that I am not able to alter, even after holding the power to alter.
"I don't know." I chuckled at that safe answer, but not this time. "I need an answer, Ralph, and trust me, it's ok, but I need an answer. We need to clear everything right now, no more running."
There was a long pause, and as the seconds passed there was a strange variation in my heartbeat. I want to prove wrong, and I need an answer that I have been yearning for years. Three words, 'yes,' would make a huge difference and I don't think the two words 'no' could do any more damage.
"No." I felt dizzy for a few seconds I didn't want to be right, but I was. All the other thousands of times, I knew he never liked me, but it never hurt this much to hear the same from his mouth. 'No.' Finally, the word I dreaded to hear, but I asked for it, and I need to digest it. "Never once." He cleared his throat, like, seriously. "I don't know, and you don't want that answer. No, at the same time, I don't know."
I swear he could ignite anything in me, not only through his actions but also through his fucking words. I want to strangle this bastard at this moment and get rid of him forever, I will live in fucking peace for the rest of my life. His presence in my life provokes me to do so many stupid things like going against that bastard Asher and his absence makes me miserable. In both the scenario outcome was not good. I started burning even more when a peep of my situation hit me more clearly.
"You know I fucking want to strangle you so badly right now?" "Of course, as you can't conceal anything, whether love, jealousy, hatred, or fucking running from everything, so I fucking know." "You fucking gave me enough reason to run, got it. How the fuck do you feel the one you are dating is constantly trying to get the attention of his ex? You didn't leave a fucking chance to get a glimpse of him when you were with me; your eyes were constantly searching for him. How the hell should I feel when you constantly eye-fucking him and getting jealous whenever he was with someone?"
My breathing was rapid. Why the fuck did I even pursue this bastard? Single life was best, and this bastard-bought nightmare to my peaceful life? No, I fucking invited it.
"Sorry for fucking not switching off my years of feeling just like that. Sorry, for not suppressing everything just like that and move on. Sorry, I couldn't hold myself from the pull toward Asher, and sorry, I couldn't help myself when I was with you. I just couldn't." "So, all those days, you used me?" "Yes, you are a good diversion from my breakup. I thought I could be successful in getting over Asher, but I was proved wrong."
Ok, this was a bad, bad idea. Digging up past was like scratching more on your old wounds. I fucking hate every word that was coming from his mouth.
"I was a good diversion, and you never liked me even once. Thanks for the honest answer." "You are welcome. I don't want you to find reasons for running, so I gave you a permanent one, so fuck off, got it?" "Why the hell are you constantly talking to me about my running when you're fucking not only eye-fucking your ex but also fucking behind my back?" "I did because I didn't know what I was doing. I always wanted to talk after the kiss with Asher, but you fucking didn't. You avoided the topic like a fucking plague, and I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore." "So, you fucking slept." "You fucking pushed." "How the hell did I push? I fucking avoided discussing it because I was dreading you would break up with me and get back to that bastard." "I don't know, maybe you are right. You're on-and-off chemistry was not helping me in any way. You were fucking sweet one moment, a fucking mute most of the time. I don't know what was going on with you, and you would fucking never discuss anything with me. The constant pull toward Asher was strong."
We were breathing heavily, yelling was draining our energy, and these declarations were making me feel bloody pathetic. I was right, but at the same time, my actions were wrong. That doesn't mean his fucking pull would decrease if I wasn't a bloody coward, right?
"If we had discussed, would it make any difference?" "Honestly, the pull was like a magnet." Wow, he is really testing me. "You are fucking brutally honest." He chuckled in return. He is fucking finding amusement in this whole conversation. "Rather, I would not and run from things. You want that, Reece?" I swear I am fucking done with this shit. No wonder I was running from everything; bloody truth hurts and from this bastard, it's like stabbing.
How I wished to make some notes before, damn, I am out of everything, and I am the one who got betrayed and, again, through his words. This whole thing sucks.
"You don't know how much I hate you right now." He started laughing. Wow, he should fucking take a break from finding humor in everything; this is my life we are talking about. "No, you don't, and if I say let's fuck, you will be on top of me in no time."
That's tempting but not fucking true. After his brutal, honest answers, I would not, at least not today.