Why the bloody judgment from a one-person point of view? Why the hell does my own mom judge me like I am the reason for everything that happened and also bloody happening? How in the hell can she be bloody sure that Ralph is an angel from heaven, and I am the bloody demon? I am her own son, for fuck's sake; after pouring everything out, she still beams me as a bad guy and makes me feel responsible for every shit that's happening. I fucking chose my career, and again I did the same thing because I fucking knew the outcome of our relationship.
I am where I am because of that, and alone I am bloody not responsible for shit I have done that bastard forced me. I had to be selfish in terms of my options. What choice do I have left, like going after that bastard and ending up with nothing? I am fucking selfish, and I am proud of choosing my career; why the hell bloody blame me?
I am a coward; one wrong choice and I end up losing everything. I had gone through so much just to throw my career over that bastard; I can't go through that again. I was bloody low-class and survived somehow because of my mother and by doing jobs. She fucking knows every damn thing, yet she is pointing her finger at me every God damn time. I am accountable for the choice I made, and I can't help it. I was not born with a golden spoon like those bastards.
I started to exhale through my nostrils just to get a grip on the anger that was radiating all over. There was no happiness in my achievement, but I had security, which I needed for the sake of my mother and myself. I wanted a secure future after what I had gone through; I didn't want to think twice before anything, and most importantly, I wanted to enjoy some power; I wanted to feel it.
My real happiness is Ralph, and his happiness is Asher. Wow, life is crazy. I wanted him; I could throw anything if he stood by me, but I knew he would never stick to me. Actions speak louder; no one knows better than me, and Ralph is not good at hiding his feelings. I hate only one thing about me: still, now I am not able to get over him in the same way he is not fucking over that bastard Asher. Oh god, my head will explode any time.
I parked my car; still, anger was radiating, and at any time it would erupt like lava. I stayed in the seat exhaling by closing my eyes to get a grip on these bloody emotions that were immense. His name was enough to pull everything in me. Oh god, I don't have a grip over anything when it comes to Ralph; please trust me, this is not good. Ralph is controlling my life without being in my life. How strange. Is this even possible? I sighed.
I made my way to the apartment. I can't stay in this bloody car forever. I was so occupied in my thoughts a booming voice brought back me to reality. "Where have you been till now, and where is your cell?" I stopped on my steps perplexed when he mentioned my cell. I started checking my pockets, but it wasn't there. Maybe I left it in the car. I didn't feel apologetic for my actions but was amused when I saw Ralph's concerned face.
I thought my anger was in control, so I came to the apartment, but it was only on the surface. The same boiling point was back, and without missing a beat, his concerned face was only keeping it at bay.
There are so many questions that need answers. I wanted to clear so many things that I didn't dare to ask before because of my weakness, which was Ralph, always running because I was dreading losing him. I wanted to clear a few things not for the sake of others but for me. There was one thing that I was desperate to ask, but I was afraid of the answer that I was going to hear, which would push me completely from the edge. His answer can shatter me, but I will never get over him.
"Hey, are you ok? Something happened?" Ralph was fast to approach me and check my forehead to check my temperature. He was scared but why? Just because I am not answering his question? "Talk to me; you are zoning out." Speak your mind. It's time. My mind was yelling at me, but I couldn't; it was not the right time. He was dealing with so much of his own and I don't want to add more. His gentle touch was enough to get control of my anger before losing it, and I composed myself after a battle of thoughts. "I am okay, a little stressed, that's it." "Are you sure? I sighed and nodded my head.
"Did you have dinner?" "I was waiting for you, and I was worried when you didn't pick up the call." He was doing everything to make me feel guilty, throw the sorry word to get closure my heart was suggesting which always has a soft spot for Ralph. "I am sorry I went to visit my mom and lost track of time; my cell was in the car." "Yeah, whatever." I chuckled in return. "My mom packed a few dishes, especially, for you. Come, let's have dinner; you must be hungry." "Yeah, I was not able to decide what to order for takeout, so I was waiting for you to decide and together. Thank God, I love your mom's cooking."
That took me off guard, he was waiting for me so feel foreign. Enjoy while you can by saying that I was trying to savor every second but why can't things last long with Ralph? Why everything should be short-term? Why a simple gesture like waiting had so much effect on me and carving for more? Why the wrong person has to enjoy everything while I yearn for it? Why fucking him, not me?
Asher has money, status, looks, successful career without fucking working for it and he can bloody cheat how many times he wants and can successfully win back the same person without an ounce of hurt. Something must be stopped, and this on-and-off relationship between them needed a big fucking permanent break.
We occupied the chair at the dining table and helped ourselves. He was indeed starving; without any more words, he started gulping the food.
You should never be so blind in love, and I was lost cause no one could save me, including the person in front of me. I inwardly chuckle at that.
After finishing dinner, I cleaned up everything and made my way to my room, but I didn't actually enter. I paused at the door, remembering my cell in the car made a 'U' turn to the parking lot. After fetching my cell, I didn't bother to check the notification straight away and went to my dialed list.
This is the epic of my stupidity; I started dialing a number. "I want to meet you tomorrow at 10 am." "Well, the dog has got the guts to call me. I don't want to know how the hell you got my number, but do you fucking think I am a normal guy like you? "At 10 am sharp." "Are you deaf?" "If you didn't make it, you are going to regret it, and don't say I didn't warn you." "Wow, the fucking dog started biting. Where the hell did you get this courage from? I have plucked one of your wings, and it doesn't take me a fucking minute to pluck every other and throw you in the gutter." "I don't want to repeat myself, but I intend to keep what I said, especially the word 'regret. So, sharp at 10." I disconnected the call before getting his response. He is going to make it; I am hell of sure of it.
Well, I am officially in for whatever that bastard was up to. Let's start this fucking game without thinking about winning or losing. The game would be awesome when the bloody competitor was a perfect match in every way. Before I only lacked power and money, now nothing was going to stop me, let's play dirty.
'Not going to get stabbed in the same place.' My mind and heart mocked and 'you wish,' they snorted at the same time.