A swing of a red-hot sword, burning and slicing a hideous worm-like creature. The feeling of joy, as fierce as the heat.
A blinding blue lightning arc between a Psi-staff and a row of imps, replacing the stench of miasma with a clear scent of ozone. With it—a cold feeling of purpose and duty. How can feelings be cold at all?
An effort of will that turns water in the air into explosive hydrogen, and a gunshot that provides a spark. The remains of the desecrated village will be cleansed with fire. But there are no demons around, not now, so the Psionic can allow himself to grieve the victims.
But after the first time, Zemin knew better than to sink fully into these memories.
'I'm not that person. I'm Zemin Gatti, an Esquire in the 4th Exemplar Squad of the 4th Exemplar Division of the 4th Sector of the Holy Dominion. These feelings aren't mine. They are an illusion. I'm not that person. I'm Zemin Gatti…'
Sometimes he caught flashes of familiar auras, and tried to hold on to them, just as on other sensations from his body. They helped Zemin distance himself from the memories which his brain relieved.
And when Zemin felt the memories were about to swallow him whole, he pulled back into the safe darkness of the Void.
'148? I had about 230 after the last mission thanks to all the demon corpses. Does it really disappear so quickly, System?'
Zemin suppressed the urge to gasp before even thinking about it. It was much easier to do when it came without a feeling attached.
'What do you mean, System?'
It felt like a much shorter amount of time. Zemin believed he only spent a few hours in the Void at most. The memories must've scrambled his perception of time.
'Why are you only telling me this now?'
Zemin nodded. That was true. And his wish to tell System something rude for being silent about this was unimportant and already dismissed.
'Alright. Here's an important question for you, System—do you have any idea how many memories I still have left?'
'Then I just have to keep going. I just have to conserve energy better. Maybe I can reduce the losses to zero…'
'But not zero, so I'm going to try.'
Zemin went for his body again.
The next memory came easier. Practice really made perfect, and in the academy, he was trained to control his emotions.
Psionics must fight without fear or anger, so their power doesn't serve the demonkind…
Determination, faith, hope and joy—those were the emotions that should give a Psionic the energy to use against demons. It was a dogma Zemin as unchangeable as divine law.
Now he realized that for him, any emotion on a battlefield was just as useless, and suppressing them all indiscriminately was the best and easiest thing he could do.
Zemin watched through a Soldier's eyes as a demon burst from the inside when the water inside its body turned into ice and expanded. He did his best to feel nothing.
Somewhere outside, a familiar voice was humming a familiar song, but the shouts of other Soldiers didn't let Zemin hear the words.
He didn't notice when the song went away.
When Zemin returned again, he was greeted with a new report.
This time, Zemin didn't ask how much time had passed. Instead, as he reached back to his body, he tried to catch if the singer was around him this time.
Levana—Zemin knew it was her.
He wished he could give her a sign that he was alright.
Instead, he had to live through more fights, carnage, and, most importantly—feelings. Not thinking about bloodshed was easy, but feelings…
The song sometimes appeared again. The Void System said that the energy loss was the lowest during these moments.
It still decreased.
126 units, 110, 98, 81, 76, 73, 72, 71, 70, 69, 68, 67, 66, 65.
Then Zemin reached for his body another time, and there was nothing but darkness.
It took him a moment to realize that the darkness came from inside his own eyelids.
He opened his eyes, but everything was still dark. Something ticked nearby. Someone snored.
'Ah. It's night.'
Zemin tried to move, but found his limbs weak and restrained by several wires and an IV attached to them.
'So I'm in the hospital. I should call a nurse.'
He closed his eyes, then took a deep breath through the nose and let it out through the mouth. It was something he longed to do a lot while in the Void.
The memories he lived through didn't go anywhere. They just moved on the back of Zemin's head, and if he didn't focus, he could remember them again instead of his own.
'Not now. Nothing will happen until morning, anyway.'
Zemin's body was tired despite the long rest, but instead of sleeping, Zemin spent the remaining hours until sunrise on breathing exercises and sorting his new memories.
Only when he felt his sister's unique aura approaching, Zemin opened his eyes and sat up.