Long ago, when I was a little girl, I had a very ugly clown. There weren't many toys in the orphanage.
And when they did come, all the children would snatch them up, so there wasn't much left for me. For
a little girl, it was a useless endeavor to get into such a scramble. So I always had to make do with what
was left for me in a corner. It was on one such day that I met my clown. He was such an ugly toy that
no one had even thought of buying him. The first time I saw it, I cried because I was forced to have such
an ugly toy, and I got angry and threw it on the floor. But then... In the evening, when I jumped out of
my bed with a very big thunder, for some reason I thought of that ugly clown I had thrown on the floor.
I was scared to go to the place where I had thrown it. I was scared of the thunder and I was scared to
death of getting caught. If I got caught, I would be punished again and those punishments were too
cruel for my little body. Still, I cowered, picked up the toy and went back to bed without being seen by
anyone. Then I realized that with my clown by my side, I wasn't as scared as I used to be. That night
and the nights that followed, my clown became my guardian angel. It turned out that all I needed was
a friend. I realized that what really scared me was loneliness. Then, as I grew older, the bond between
me and my clown somehow weakened. Despite his presence, the things that happened to me
destroyed my faith in him day by day. I no longer believed that he was protecting me. I realized that the
only thing I had to hold on to was my own existence. It was hard to sleep apart from my clown at first,
but then I didn't even remember his presence. For some reason this morning I suddenly remembered
my clown's presence. One morning after so many years I just wanted to hug my clown again like the
girl who was scared that night. I turned to my left and looked at my husband lying next to me. I shouldn't
feel alone, right? After all, here was my husband who had given me a wonderful night and a wonderful
life. And I had worked so hard to get this life, to marry this man, to have a house like this. I had worked
so hard to get this kind of money, and I had married a statue of a man. I had everything I was supposed
to have.
I shouldn't just think of my clown one morning and feel alone.
I wasn't a liar, so I had nothing to fear. This man I married a year ago always knew why I married him. I
never hid what I wanted from him, which suited him just fine. My husband had no interest in getting
married, his whole world was his work. He had a technology company and that was the only thing I
understood about his business. I was smart, clever and definitely a bit evil, but I had one flaw, I didn't
understand technology at all, because God doesn't give you everything. I could barely use a cell phone,
but my husband was the opposite of me. He would never show that side of himself, or anyone else
wouldn't even suspect that he had such dark deeds, but I told you, I'm a bit of a devil and it was never
hard for me to see the side of my husband that was in hell.
Did I tell you my husband is very handsome?
He married me only because he desired me and because I was not afraid to challenge him. He knew I
was always after his money, but he married me anyway.
"You are fire." He told me. He liked it very much that I never gave in to him. We were not a normal
couple. I would have liked a life with flowers and balloons, but that was not the world I was born into.
Wasn't marriage a way to escape from that world? Yet my marriage was not full of flowers and balloons.
There was more strategy and passion. But there were good things too. In this one year, my husband
bought me a lot of nice things. Cars, bags, shoes, clothes and jewelry. I loved jewelry. That was my
weakness. I was definitely in the "diamonds are a girl's best friend" camp. Everyone has flaws, right?
This man gave me everything I wanted and in return he wanted a great wife and sex on the outside. I
was a good actress and everyone my husband introduced me to believed that I was a submissive
woman, a woman who looked after her husband's mouth. The great wife part might have been
complete bullshit, but the sex... the sex was absolutely, positively amazing. First of all, my husband is
great in bed. He's wild and aggressive. He takes what he wants to the fullest. There was a great harmony
between us that I only felt in bed. I was just as wild as he was, and I liked to be challenged in bed, and
that made our relationship even more fiery.
All this was enough for me.
It wasn't love or affection I was looking for. That's why we didn't even hug, but this morning for the first
t
ime I felt a little bit. Cold?
When I slept with my clown, I was never cold. When I held him, I didn't feel the chill of loneliness. My
bed was always warm, so I was never afraid. Why was it like that this morning? I involuntarily reached
out a hand towards Aslan's arm, but I couldn't touch it. As if I should... Should I touch it once? I gave
up touching it and pulled my hand towards me, but I was cold. After all, wasn't it the duty of a husband
to warm his wife when she was cold? Slowly and hesitantly, I snuggled up to my husband. I had been
through some very shameful things with this man in this bed, but was I ashamed to hug him now? No
hugging! No cuddling! Just using him as a comforter to keep me warm. That's all. I hesitantly put my
head on his shoulder. I think I was getting a little warm. Then I wrapped my hands around his naked
torso. He squirmed a little at my touch and put one hand around my waist, pulling me towards him.
Then he ran his nose through my hair and kissed the top of my head. Now it was a little hot. Anyway,
he immediately wrapped his arms around me like an octopus. I wonder if he was cold too. Yes, he might
have been cold. After all, I was a good wife and I could warm my husband by staying like this a little
longer. Although Aslan normally didn't sleep until this time, but we had gone to bed very late at night
and he must have been tired. It was too early for me, I had woken up early and I was cold because of
my stupid clown. I could have slept a few more hours and got up before Aslan woke up. For some reason
I didn't want him to see us hugging. Anyway. I was cold and now I was in a more comfortable position
than I had ever been. Sleep was already sweetly enveloping my body. I could sleep for a few hours, just
a few hours.
I was in the arms of such a sweet sleep... in your arms? Arms? My husband's arms? I opened my eyes
at the speed of light, but I didn't see the sight I was expecting. The fucking Lion had stayed with me
f
irst. I quickly sat up in bed, but all my perception was confused because I got up so suddenly. I looked
around in a daze for a while, the bathroom door was open, so Aslan must have woken up a while ago.
He must have seen me hugging him. This was not good. I hoped it was my lucky day and Aslan had
already gone to work. Sighing, I pulled my hair up and looked at the clock. 12 o'clock? That was a new
record, even for me who liked to sleep. Why did I sleep like the dead until this hour? I'm a rabbit sleeper,
normally I wake up at the slightest sound? It's because of that clown. He threw me off balance. I had
to get out of bed and get ready, but what if Aslan was downstairs, surely he would make fun of me?
There's no use being scared, is there?
"Ouch, there was shit to hug!" I muttered to myself as I got ready. I only had plans to go to a facial today
and that was still a while away. So I wore comfortable shorts and a t-shirt with straps. The weather was
warm but I felt cold like an idiot. When I got to the top of the stairs, I paused for a while to see if there
was any sound coming from downstairs. There was no sound, but Aslan was not a very talkative person
anyway. Except when he gave orders. At those moments he sang like a nightingale. Although it would
have been unfair to associate a beautiful animal like a nightingale with a lion. A crow would have been
more appropriate. Since there was no sound from downstairs, maybe he was already gone. And since
I couldn't stay at the top of this staircase forever, I had to go down. I took a deep breath and went down
the stairs. I was cautious. Could small steps make me invisible? After descending the stairs, I looked
towards the hall, but no one was in sight. Maybe today was my lucky day.
"Good morning, Yenge*." I jumped up, startled by the sound coming from my left side. I immediately
raised my palate. I had some superstitions. Like I would go crazy if I didn't raise my palate when I was
frightened.
"You scared the hell out of me, Selim," I said. Selim could be my favorite person in this house without
a doubt. He was my husband's most trusted person, his right arm, left kidney, eyes, ears, in short,
everything. I don't think being jealous of Selim makes me crazy. He had more space in my husband's
life than I did, and girls know that no one wants someone who takes up more space in their husband's
life than they do. Some things were just in our DNA.
Selim was both surprised that I was scared and embarrassed that he had scared me. Selim had a lot of
respect for me because of Aslan and I had to admit that I liked it a lot. Of course, he didn't like me at
f
irst because he saw me as a gold digger, which he was right, but then one morning while we were
having our usual fights, Aslan came and said, "From now on, every word you say to my wife, consider
it as if you were saying it to me." Selim had a sudden change and started to call me sister-in-law and
then started to talk to me without judgment. I actually thought Aslan cared about me after that, but
when I got a lecture in the evening about how everyone but us thought this marriage was real, I realized
that what he really cared about was his own image and peace of mind, and I came to my senses not to
indulge in foolish thoughts anymore. This was how one's mind could sometimes wander.
"I'm sorry, Yenge, I didn't mean to scare you. You're distracted today, normally you would have heard
me before I came to you. It's okay." She said. What was I going to say, "I hugged my husband last night
and now I'm running away from him in case he hits me in the face." Who would run away from her
husband because she hugged him?
"No, I'm not absent-minded. I just woke up, that's why." I said. Whatever that means. Selim looked at
me and the living room I had just looked at. Then he laughed
"I realize now," he said, "are you cowering like a cat looking for your husband? I wouldn't exactly say I
was looking for him. I laughed and kept up with him, but it was a nervous laugh.
"Y-yes, of course I'm looking for my husband. I miss my husband, where is he, is he here?" Please say
no, please say no, please say no...
"Here, of course, when did Abim leave without seeing you,. Between you and me, my Abim*
has become a bit of a wife's peasant, but of course you are no less, mashallah, you are husband's peasant."
He said. The asshole was mocking me. As I tried to escape my husband's mockery, I was caught in his
little copy's. I immediately went on the defensive and crossed my arms in front of me. That was my
defensive position. Maybe I looked a bit like a nasty woman, a little bit, but only a little bit.
"So much for being a peasant. I brought color to this soulless house. You should pray for me." I said,
and he started laughing like a dirty man.
"Oh, so you just accepted that my husband is a peasant." She said. In order to be a peasant husband I
had to love my husband and in our marriage there was no hate, let alone love. I was just clinging to
money and sex in an empty marriage. Why did that make me feel a little bad right now.
I immediately dissipated the smoke of the arabesque that had formed inside me and returned to my
ugly self.
"My dear, if you had a husband like mine, you would be a peasant and believe me, this part of the
village is unbelievable." I said. I might have been a bit too suggestive when I said unbelievable, but I
was already a bit of a shameless girl. Selim understood the imam immediately and grimaced.
"I think I'm gonna throw up." He said. He put his hands to his mouth. I sent him a fake smile and
"If you don't want to hear any more details, tell me where my husband is." I said. For a short while I
had forgotten my real problem, but it was still there and I couldn't run away for long. Selim finally
stopped his exaggerated facial expressions. When he talked about the lion, he immediately became
serious. Aslan was the person he respected the most in this world, just his name alone would make
most people stand at attention with respect. Because my husband had saved so many lives. I respected
him too, even though I was very annoyed with him, although I would never show it to him.
"He was having breakfast in the garden. He's a bit nervous, but I'd say approach cautiously." He said. I
wonder if he was angry because I hugged him. You can't be angry just because we were cold for a day.
As if we ate. Smart ass, what a precious arm he has. Besides, he hugged me and did I say anything?
Was I filling myself up too fast?
"I'll take a look then." I said, but I was a little nervous. Selim again with a sarcastic smile
"Look, of course, he'll lose his temper when he sees you, and wait, I'm coming too, I can't miss it." He
said. If you only knew, I'm the cause of his anger. Anyway, you can't drop your nose. I walked towards
the garden in front of Selimin. I might have been a little nervous but I wasn't going to show it. When I
came to the garden gate, I saw my husband, who was drinking his tea in his thin waist cup in one hand
and reading something with his full attention on his tablet in the other hand. He had already finished
his breakfast because he was never interested in other things while having breakfast. I had a husband
who was very fond of food. I loved to eat too, but nobody knew that because I usually ate two bites of
something fake when I was with someone else. I usually let the part of me that loses itself when I eat
alone go free.
I took a few steps to Aslan's side and took my seat directly to his right. Aslan looked up from his tablet
and looked first at me and then at Selim, who was coming up behind me. Normally my plan was to just
pretend to be invisible without speaking, but unfortunately that was not possible. So I put a smile on
my face and told my husband
"Good morning." I said. Selimde sat on the other side of Aslan and was already munching on something
on the table. Aslan closed his tablet
"Good morning, wife." He said. He looked so normal that it was impossible to tell from his face what
he was thinking. Was he angry or, I don't know, maybe he felt good that I hugged him. Maybe... A little
bit.
I said, "You haven't gone to work yet?" My plan to be invisible wasn't going to work, so I went to plan
B: intimidate by talking. Because I felt like I would suffocate if I kept quiet. Maybe I was out of his arms
before morning and he didn't even see us like that when he woke up. I might even be delusional.
I could be, couldn't I?
"I slept so well last night I woke up late." He said. He had a sideways smile on his face. I was sure that's
how he saw us now. He was making fun of me. The blood was literally rushing to my cheeks, but I
pretended I didn't understand.
"It must have been a bit chilly last night." I didn't hug you, I just snuggled a little unconsciously because
I was cold. I hope you got the message, husband.
"It was. It was cool, even cold at times." He said. Was he making fun of me? Was he looking at me with
a stupid grin on his face, a little flirtatious?
"I couldn't sleep a wink yesterday because of the heat." Selim interrupted before he even swallowed
the pastry in his mouth. Couldn't it be that we were cold?
"No, no, it was cool here." Aslan said, but he was still looking at me. As he looked at me, it was as if the
shame inside me was pumping blood all over my body at the same time. I couldn't take it anymore and
I looked away from Aslan and looked at Selim. My cheeks were burning. Selim looked at me and then
at Aslan. Then his gaze turned mocking, just like Aslan.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was cool." He said. Great, now they were both making fun of me. Just because
we hugged our husband, you can't be so hard on people. I changed color out of embarrassment. What
was happening to me? Was I a woman who would be so embarrassed and run into herself? It was all
because of that clown.
"Selim, wait for me in the car." Even when I heard the lion's voice, I just looked at the olives on my plate
without lifting my head. When did I put olives on my plate? Selim got up from his seat
"See you, Yenge, put some clothes on, it'll get cooler." He said laughing. What an asshole that kid was.
While I was wondering if I should throw the olives at his head, I heard the Lion's loud voice.
When he said "Selim!", I was startled. He had suddenly shaken off his previous sarcastic mood. That's
how Aslan was. One moment did not match the next. When you felt like getting close to him, he would
suddenly turn into his tough self. He left no balance.
"I'm already gone." When Selim heard Aslan's harsh voice, he immediately disappeared. I was left just
like that. I wasn't feeling well today. Aslan got up from his chair and straightened his shirt. I was sure
he was looking at me, but instead of looking at him, I went back to my olives. While I was praying in my
heart that maybe he would leave without messing with me, Aslan threw one hand on the back of my
chair and leaned over me.
"I say I'll get an air conditioner in the room." He said. His voice was so erotic that for a moment I didn't
recognize what he was saying. I lifted my gaze from my olives and looked at his face. He was very close
to me and he looked different. Not sarcastic like before, not cold as usual. This time he was looking very
deep.
"Why? You catch a cold and then the air conditioner hits you and you don't realize." I could only say. I
didn't know if I was talking nonsense because I was lost in my husband's voice and his gaze.
"I have a wife. If I'm cold, will she warm me or not? Like last night." He said. I was aware that he had
seen what happened last night, but when he said it to my face like that, the fire in my cheeks seemed
to reach my ears. And did he really hug me because he was cold? Why was this bothering me now?
Aslan leaned a little more towards my ear before I could digest what he said.
"Besides, it's better to sleep in the cool air. I can't give up now." He kissed me on the cheek and left.
Me?
I just stood there with fire coming out of my ears. .