The next few minutes were very strange.
After Aslan left, I stayed at the breakfast table for a while, his words going over and over in my head.
Was this a new game too?
Was he trying to lure me into a new trap? Whenever he was this close to me and I thought things were starting to change between us, Aslan would always do something to prove me wrong, to remind me of my place. I was a smart woman, but I was a woman, and no matter how much we didn't want to admit it, a little bit of affection was enough to confuse us. With Aslan, it was always a possibility because he was exactly the kind of man you wanted to be at the center of your life. To be the most important person in the life of a man like Aslan would be the most unique thing I could have, but it was very hard to reach him. If he wanted it, he would come and get it. A little bit of love could confuse a woman like me, but as I said, Aslan was
unstable. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking or feeling by his actions at that moment. So I had to be cautious, I had no intention of going through this again. I had just had a little flutter last night, a brief confusion of emotions and that was it. Nothing more than that. Nothing that would leave me stunned or confused. Nothing would change, I would just erase last night and move on, I just needed to come to my senses.
What will bring me back to myself?
I had a spa appointment today. Yeah. Uh-huh. A spa would have been good for me. I could get a massage, relax a little bit, maybe do some shopping, and then I could be myself. I needed to shop. I could buy something to piss Aslan off. Aslan didn't have a problem with money, but for some reason he gave me the cold shoulder every time I shopped. I don't know, maybe it bothered him to see so many packages. Shopping was a good idea. That way I could answer his challenge, I could let him see that I wasn't fooling him. He needed to see that I was still the same me. I got up from the table and went to the bedroom. I took my phone from the nightstand and called Esra.
Esra could have been the most spoiled and devouring rich slut you've ever seen. She was a real bitch.
Her father owned a jewelry brand. In fact, he was a very elegant gentleman, but his daughter, on the contrary, was a spoiled, empty tin can. The only good thing about her was that she knew everything.
She was what they call a walking newspaper. She was a little naive. She had a side that wanted to be loved and couldn't resist. As I said, we women had such a weakness, but this situation was quite high in Esra. I guess that's why she was always making the wrong man choices. This naive side of her was very useful to me and interestingly, she adored me. Aslan and I were her dream couple, except she didn't know the truth. She was very jealous of Aslan's love for me. Not jealous like envy. More like envy.
If one day everyone found out the truth, her world would probably collapse the most.
The phone picked up on the second ring. It took a long time because Esra was the kind of girl who had her phone glued to her hand. She loved social media and had quite a lot of followers. Her life was exactly as she portrayed it on social media. A smooth, rosy world, far away from anything real.
He said, "Honey, would you call me?" Maybe I would have called him more if he hadn't kept calling me honey. Maybe, but... maybe with a very small chance.
"Love you, darling, I had planned to see you for a long time. You broke my heart." I said. How fake we were. I realized it better after last night. Was I like this before? When was the last time I acted as I felt...
I think the last time... Anyway!
Don't think about last night!
"Well, then I can forgive you. So what's your plan?" I went back to my old cheerful voice.
"I've got a great spa plan. What do you think?" I said, like she wasn't going to jump at it. Normally I never bothered with Esra, but I didn't want to be alone. When I was alone, I thought about last night and it threw me off balance. If Esra was with me, she could make more noise than the voices in my
head.
"Great idea! The massage will do me good, it will heal my wounds." He said laughing. Was there a time in his life when he was really tired? For example, I used to get up at the crack of dawn...
Anyway...
"Then we meet in two hours. Ok?" and I grimaced and hated myself. Ok? I was becoming everything I hated. No. I was just playing a role, that's all. It was a small price to pay for being able to do whatever I wanted. I could bear it.
"Okay honey bye!" he said and we hung up the phone. I went to the dressing room and looked for what to wear. Not much more than a year ago, I either had a closet full of clothes or I didn't, and most of them were other people's old clothes. I grew up without anything of my own. I didn't belong anywhere, nor did I have anything of my own in this life. Everything I had had the scent of others on it. Except in this closet. Everything here belonged to me. I'd picked it all out myself, so I could pretend a little, I could put up with it. I got up from where I was sitting and put on a dress I'd bought two days ago. I was definitely a dress person, especially when it was this hot. I put on very light makeup. Okay, I might have gone to the spa, but I couldn't even stick the tip of my nose out without covering my under eyes and putting on my pink lipgloss.
I just had some principles.
As I picked up my bag and walked towards the stairs, I heard voices coming from downstairs. No one would be home at this hour. Only sister Yasemin and her daughter Menekse would be there. Who were they now? I put my bag on my arm and carefully went downstairs on my heels with my phone in one hand.
There were a few men at the door and Yasemin was showing them the living room with her hand. When she saw me
"Heh. Ms. Selin, these gentlemen are here for the air conditioner." She said. While I was thinking what air conditioner, I remembered what Aslan had said in the morning. Was the crazy guy really going to install air conditioning in the room?
"What air conditioning now, who sent you?" I said towards the men.
"Mr. Aslan sent us, Selin Hanım, didn't you know about it?" one of them said. If I say I did, I'm lying, if I say I didn't, I'm lying. Anyway, I won't spoil it now.
"Yes, in the bedroom, right? Yasemin abla*, you show the gentlemen the way." I said. The men looked at each other as if they didn't understand what I said. Had I said something wrong now?
"Ms. Selin, I must have made a mistake, but we were instructed for all rooms." Said the man who had just spoken to me. Oh my God. All the rooms? We gave him a hug and I wonder if his mind just flew out of his head. I like it now.
He's an idiot.
A stupid grin appeared on my face, but I quickly pulled myself together. Yasemin had already started grinning under her mustache when she saw me laughing.
"Okay, then you take care of it. Yasemin abla is already here." I said and turned to Yasemin.
"I'm going out and I won't be back until the evening. You take care of the gentlemen." I said.
"Of course, Ms. Selin." He said, still grinning. I was embarrassed for no reason. Yasemin Abla was actually the only person who knew the real face of our relationship. Even Menekşe didn't know, but Yasemin Abla had been with Aslan for a very long time and since we couldn't pretend in the same house, Yasemin Abla knew
everything. In fact, at first I was a money-grubber and arrogant person in her eyes, but as she got to know me, she became my fan. Because I treated everyone the way they deserved and never disrespected them. I think this was a big factor in Aslan choosing me to marry me.
When I left the house, I still had Aslan on my mind. He wouldn't go to such lengths to play with me.
Maybe he was as affected by our intimacy last night as I was, or maybe that's what he wanted me to think. I had once believed that Aslan might have feelings for me and I had done my best to measure up. In his eyes I was just a gold digger and nothing more. Luckily I was a virgin when we got married so he didn't think I was a slut. I couldn't stand it, I had fought for years to protect myself, so no one could stand up to me and call me a whore.
As I got into my red car, I was in a good mood again. I loved this car so much. A few months before I met Aslan, I saw a picture of it in a newspaper and fell in love with it, so I cut it out and pasted it on my bedside wall. This car was the only thing I had left from that time. It was living proof of my success.
When I arrived at the spa, I had a different thought in every corner of my mind. Fortunately, Esra would soon replace all these thoughts with her gossip. I needed to get out of myself. I got out of the car and called Esra as I walked towards the salon. This time she answered on the first ring.
"Honey, where are you?" he said. Was it normal that a voice full of so much energy was supposed to lift me up, but instead I felt even more drained of energy? I couldn't be this high even on my best day.
"I'm here, I'm out of the car now, I'm walking to the living room." I said.
"Okay, I'm in the locker room, come quick." He said and hung up. As I walked through the door of the gym, I took a deep breath and put the smile on my face that everyone was used to seeing. I was the woman everyone envied. My smile was like my crown. As bright and dazzling as a crown; that was my role. I greeted a few people on my way to the locker room and I saw Esra talking to Pırıl in front of the door. Pırıl was a snake. She was a successful woman, a very good fashion designer and she dressed most of the rich women including me. We didn't like each other very much. Of course, her past with Aslan had a very small part in this. It was very small. Pırıl's father and Aslan were in business together and he logically didn't want to miss having a son-in-law like Aslan. He asked (!) Aslan to meet his daughter a few times. Yes. Fortunately Aslan would never look at someone like Paril. For one thing, Pırıl
was arrogant enough to say that she created small mountains. She played the smiling face for the rich and ignored the poor.
"Where have you been, honey?" When Esra saw me, she immediately hugged my neck. This girl had absolutely no concept of distance. If sincerity were a person, it would probably be Esra. I hugged her without breaking down.
"I'm here, Aslan was late today, that's why I was late." I said. At that moment, when I locked eyes with Pırıl, I widened my smile even more. As they say, closer to your friend, closer to your enemy. I left Esra and offered my hand to Pırıl.
"What's up, Pırıl?" There was palpable tension between us, but it was as if we had both sworn not to
throw the first stone. We both knew that the jealous woman would be the first to strike. I would never give her that trump card when I could be on the jealous victim's side. Neither would she. She took my
outstretched hand with a smile as fake as mine.
"I'm fine, Selin, how are you?" he said. I was sure he was saying I hope God is giving you hell, but
anyway.
"I'm fine, same thing. Esra and I decided to take a break." I said. A sarcastic smile appeared on Pırıl's
face.
He said, "What exactly did you stop for?" He was a cowardly enemy. She would hit and run, and if you
tried to answer her, she would hide behind the "you misunderstood me" wall. But would he eat it,
Anatolian boy?
"You're right, I'm actually a very lucky woman, when you have a husband like mine, your life is always
like a vacation. Let's call it a girls' day then." I said, "I'm living the life you dreamed of, imam, is that clear? Judging by the slightly wiped smile on his face, yes, it was understood. Realizing the tension
between them, Esra must have felt the desire to intervene.
"Of course, life with a man like Aslan is like heaven. May God give us all such husbands and I'm pushing
you away. Goodbye, my sparkle." She said and took my arm and led me away. Not many people liked
Pırıl because she was both arrogant and snake-tongued. Esra could be arrogant sometimes too, but
hers was not something she did on purpose. It was more like being spoiled. Esra was well aware of our
tension with Pırıl, but strangely I never heard her talking about us to anyone. As soon as we entered
the locker room, Esra immediately went into gossip mode.
"Girl, what was that? You were shooting at each other in silence." She said. I answered him while I
started to change my clothes by placing my open things in an empty closet.
"Oh, that's how they always are." I said. I couldn't say "snake-tongued" in front of Esra because it would
spread instantly, I couldn't take that risk. Another bad thing about this world; there is no friendship
without a filter.
"Don't say bad words to anyone. It's just a snake, it hisses at every opportunity it sees you, but it can't
sting you." He said. I laughed at that. He was absolutely right.
"Esra, you're really funny. I don't want to think about Pırıl right now, today is my day to relax. Let's get
a massage first, I'm all stiff." I said.
"Ay yes, first they hired a new masseuse, she's not from the Far East but she's very skilled, I arranged
her for you." He said. They didn't hire many new people here and the staff were all from the Far East.
If you like. They were pushing Turkmens to these rich women because they were from the Far East.
They didn't care, they didn't even try to understand the difference. But anyone from below like me
could tell the difference.
"You know you're my favorite, let's go." I said and we left the dressing room laughing. When we got to
the massage room, Esra was already gossiping. She was seeing the youngest son of the Gülsel family
and she had caught him with other girls less than a month ago, but she had forgiven him because he
was handsome. Esra was a desperate beggar for love, did I tell you? Now she was showing me a photo
of the expensive bracelet that the boy she had caught with another girl two days ago had bought her
to make up for it. To be honest, I was a bit bored. I thought there would be more interesting gossip on
Esra, but my expectations were dashed. I wonder what Aslan is doing, he confused me, you would have
called him once. While Esra was looking at her phone and talking about the same subject again, I looked
at my phone out of the corner of my eye, but there was no call or message. I'm sure she doesn't even
think about it as much as I do. While my eyes were still on the phone, I heard Esra's voice.
"What, you miss your husband?" he said with a dirty grin. I had become the laughing stock of this one.
Anyway, I was a woman very much in love with her husband. I could miss him. This role had nothing to
hide.
"Of course I miss you, dear, who knows how busy my husband is, he still hasn't called." I said. According
to Esra, we were a couple who couldn't live without hearing each other's voices during the day.
Otherwise, if she knew that Aslan never called me... It's better if she didn't know.
"Oh, I love your love bug behavior." He said. He rested a hand on his chin and looked at a relationship
that was not admired. Could one admire something fake that much? Or would he want to know that
something he admired so much was fake?
"What the hell is a love bug?" Esra laughed and lifted her chin from the hand she was leaning on.
"Oh, you wouldn't understand, never mind. Go on, call your husband." She said. Where did that come
from? No, I can't call him. I can't tell Esra I can't either. Because I was so eager just now. And I'm curious.
If I call her, she'll think she's influencing me. I am, but a little. Do I need to show it? No, I don't.
"He's busy. I'll call him later." I said. I hoped she wouldn't insist and I could save the situation here.
When Esra's face fell, it wasn't hard for me to guess the insistence that would follow.
"No, call him and Aslan Abi, you'll call him and he'll say he's busy. Is that unheard of?"
"Of course not. I'll call you then." I obliged. I hesitated for a brief moment when I landed on the lion's
number, but fear was nothing, right? I pressed the number and brought it to my ear. The tense wait
began. The phone picked up on the second ring. Was he waiting by the phone?
"Yes, Selin." She said. His voice was distant as always. There was obviously no one with him because if
there was, he would have called her his wife.
"How are you, darling?" I said in a sincere voice, unlike her. He may have been lonely, but I wasn't.
"You're obviously with someone, let me guess; Esra?" Esra was looking at me with interest and was
trying to get me to put the phone on speakerphone.
"What can we do? We came to the spa with Esra." I said and put the phone on speaker. She was going
to play the role of the room now, so I didn't need to be nervous.
"It's girls' day, but I think my wife misses me?" The asshole was doing it on purpose. Anyway, I'd have
gotten my hands on him one day.
"Of course I did, husband, didn't you?" I said in a flirtatious voice. I wasn't going to be outdone. I heard
a deep sigh from the other end of the line.
"You have no idea." And then he said it, and it wasn't like he was acting. It was so real. I stood for a
while not knowing what to say. I think he realized that he was silent too.
"Did someone come to the house for the assembly?" he suddenly said. That was the most real
moments in our relationship. Just a short sigh. So I pulled myself together and went back to my role.
"Yes, Aslan, they're here. Are you crazy, why did you have to install air conditioning in all the rooms?" I
had to get a little nasty with this guy. If I let him pull the strings, I would burn. This man would burn
me. He laughed when I called him a lion. He was literally making fun of me.
"I realize you need a little encouragement, wife, and I'm a good husband, and you're lucky I didn't move
to the poles after last night." He said. My cheeks flushed and a stupid grin immediately appeared on
my face. I couldn't help it, I literally couldn't close my lips.
"If I had known you were so eager, I would have done it earlier, husband." I said. Esra's presence was
completely lost on me. She must have been pleased with herself. She was making out with her favorite
TV show couple. Every fan would have loved that.
"Selin," Aslan said, but what kind of intonation was that? I knew that tone and it was always so hot
afterwards. Was it getting hot again or was it my husband's effect? I could barely find my voice
"Sir," was all I could say.
"I have to go to a meeting, you have two hours." He said. Not to pick me up, but more like... swear to
God, the dirty bastard spoiled me too.
"Aslan, an hour is enough for me." I said. I went crazy. I was completely taken over by my hormones.
"Fuck the meeting, I'm coming." And he hung up on me. What did I do? I drove him crazy. I wonder if I
overdid it. He would have eaten me raw. Esra
I probably wouldn't have come to my senses if he hadn't said "Whoa". When I looked at her, she was
staring at me and the phone with her mouth wide open. We went too far. I embarrassed her.
"I just had phone sex right in front of me." He said, closing his eyes. I couldn't get rid of his chin.
"I've got goose bumps all over me." And he was showing me his feathers with one hand. I was so
embarrassed, I was going to bury my head like an ostrich.
I was like, "Why did this happen?" My face was all red. I'm an idiot or something and I just lost it.
"Whatever you did last night, he stayed there. I'm telling you, this guy will cut you in half." He said,
laughing. I hit him in the arm with my elbow. Everyone was teasing me today. I mean, I might have
given them the upper hand a little bit, but that's okay.
"Don't talk stupid, don't embarrass me," I said, but I still had that stupid grin on my face. I mean, I was
no less.
"You weren't embarrassed just now, Ms. Selin." He said. I was a laughing stock.
"What happened to our day, girl. I thought we'd have a little fun, I didn't mean to let the man loose on
you." He said, but this time his face fell. While talking to the lion, all the worries I had been having since
the morning suddenly flew away, so there was no point in standing with Esra, but it was a shame for
the girl. I put my hand on her shoulder.
"I promise I'll make it up to you, and we still have an hour to go, so we still have time for a massage." I
said. Just then the door opened, but when we both turned to the door, it was like a lightning bolt hit
me in the head. One of the masseuses who came in was Ece. Ece was one of the shadows of my past.
Even the darkest shadow. When she saw me, she froze like me. We were both sure we would never see
each other again. I didn't think I would see her again on any given day, anywhere. I thought our meeting
would always be more special. The day we would meet, it was as if we would both know about it and
we would experience a cool movie scene with loud music playing in the background. Nothing was going
to be so ordinary, but contrary to every possibility I had planned to meet him, we met in a simple
massage room. There was no music and today was a big day. I was the first to pull myself together as
we just stared at each other. I took off my robe and lay face down. Esra had already taken her place
right next to me, so she didn't see the brief shock I experienced. I don't know if she would have made
sense of it even if she had seen it, but she would definitely have tried to find out and it wasn't
something I could explain to her. It was a situation I avoided explaining even to myself.
As soon as Ecenin's hands touched my shoulders I flinched and she continued her massage without
being affected by me. I couldn't see his face, but I knew him well. We came from the same place, so we
were very good at hiding our feelings. In fact, he probably would have preferred to kill me instead of
giving me a massage, but as I said, we were very good at hiding our feelings, so he was being
professional. Maybe he was still trying to understand. How had I turned into someone who could give
me a massage here? Did she know I was married to Aslan? Maybe her being here was planned. Maybe
today was not as ordinary as I thought. Maybe I woke up to a day that had been planned for a long
t
ime. Maybe the darkest shadow of my past was here to tell me about its darkest moment or to use it
against me. Maybe... Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ouch! Suddenly hundreds of possibilities started spinning
in my head at the same time. A snake on my stomach coiled from my heart to my throat, cutting off my
breath. My fear combined with anxiety and started to take control of my body. I tried to regulate my
breathing. Ece had definitely noticed, but I was careful not to let Esra notice it too.
Calm down
Calm down
Calm down
I was making a supreme effort not to let the storm inside me show.
"I'm stiff all over, aren't I?" Unlike me, Esra was able to enjoy her massage. I felt the tension of her
hands on my skin as good as my own.
"Yes Ms. Esra, you need a massage." Said the masseur girl. They were only talking to flatter the rich
customers, and I was sure that she was resentful because she wondered what you had done to become
so stiff. Because I used to be like that too.
No thinking about the past.
But he's on top of me massaging me.
Still, no thinking.
"Yes, I swear it felt very good. I think this friend is new, I saw him for the first time." Said Esra. My
curiosity, which was more dominant than my fears, was now paying attention to the conversations. I
wanted Ecenin to talk and give me something useful. Uncertainty made me feel like I was losing control.
I needed to see ahead to take control.
I should have had a defense, or at least I should have known if I should have had one.
"Yes Ms. Esra, I just started." Until Ece spoke, it was as if I was in a dream, it wasn't real, I was imagining
this moment in my head, but when she spoke, everything became real.
"I already understood that. So tell me, who are you? I'm not one of those arrogant rich people. So relax,
right Selin?" It would have been much better if he hadn't thrown the pass to me.
"Yeah, sure, relax." I could only say so as not to break down. His hands trembled when he heard my
voice. His already cold hands felt a little colder.
"Ece is my name. I was actually living in Konya with my brother but when he passed away I settled
here."
"Is he dead?" I said, suddenly straightening up.
"Yes, Ms. Selin, it's five." He said, but his look seemed to say it was because of you. Joy is dead. This
t
ime the fire of sadness fell from my stomach to my whole body. Even though I left them behind, what
I felt for them could never stay behind. The feelings were terrible.
"I'm so sorry for your loss." I was able to say. I took my old position again.
"Why did he die, if you want to tell me?" Deep down I knew the answer to Esra's question, but I wanted
to hear another answer, one that didn't involve me.
"He was already sick. He had kidney failure. This was the end of his life." He could barely say it. Why
did I feel the answer was something else? He was sick, yes, but maybe if I hadn't left them behind...
Don't think about the past.
Don't think about the past
What am I saying, the past was standing in front of me like a flesh and blood threat and I was still trying
to console myself. I couldn't take it anymore.
Everything was too much for me to handle.
"That's enough. Thank you." I said as I got up from my seat. I wanted to get out of here as soon as
possible.
"Where are you going? The massage isn't over yet. You didn't like the massage." Esra looked up, trying
to understand why I suddenly got up.
"No, and you know Aslan will come." I said. I put on my robe and looked at Ecee out of the corner of
my eye. She was looking at me where she was and there was no emotion in her eyes. It was like looking
at a stranger, but only the two of us in this room knew who I was.
"What a husband you've become. Okay, go on, don't keep your husband waiting." Esra was having too
much fun in a way that was the opposite of my current mood. I so much wanted to be in her place right
now. She had no idea what was going on around her.
"We'll talk later. Kisses." I said and quickly left the room. As soon as I left, I took a deep breath. It was
as if Ece was completely out of my life when I left the room. Now I was going to go to the dressing room
and get dressed quickly, then I was going to get into my husband's car and leave this place for good. I
was going to leave it behind me.
I went to the dressing room and took my clothes out of the closet where I kept my things. Just then the
door opened. When I saw who was coming, I realized that I wasn't going to get out of this so easily
because Ece was standing right in front of me with hatred pouring out of her eyes.
"Do you need help, Ms. Selin? Although you like to be alone." Now that the first stone had come, I
could take my guard down. I wasn't going to be the first to attack. At least he deserved that respect. I
owed it to him.
"Look Ece, we can have this confrontation right now, but I won't be less guilty and you won't be more
right. So let's leave it behind." I said. I didn't want to argue with her or face the arrows she would shoot
to prick my conscience. I had already been exposed to too much past for one day.
"Let me leave it behind. What exactly do I need to leave behind? I can't easily leave behind my past or
my brothers and sisters like you can." He said. Those poisonous words. Past and brothers. My shackles.
"We weren't brothers, Ece." I said. We weren't related by blood.
"We may not have been blood relatives, but we were brothers. Don't use that to console yourself. We
made a promise to each other. We leaned on each other. I trusted you. You told me to leave and I ran
away from that dormitory with you. You said your brother was my brother too and we would save him
and I believed you. What did you do..."
"I saved myself." I didn't let her finish her sentence because I knew the end. She was going to say that
you left us and betrayed us, but I didn't betray anyone. In fact, I went to avoid betraying myself. Ece
looked at me in amazement after what I said.
"And you..." When I realized he had raised his voice, he looked at the door and approached me.
"What kind of a person are you? Weren't you the one who said this girl can't stay here, let's go, we're
enough for each other? Of course, when you saw some money, everything turned out to be just words.
Your soul is a whore. You won't leave anything behind for money. You're a bitch, girl." She said. I know
she was angry, but nobody talks to me like that. Especially not a whore. Now I was angry too.
"Look at me, watch your mouth. It's some money. Look around you. I'm a VIP member of the place you
only entered as an employee. The men who ignored me at the door now open my door and welcome
me at the gates. What would have happened if I had stayed with you? I'd be an honorable but starving
masseuse like you. You're not mad at me for leaving. If I had taken you with me, there would have been
no more of your brotherhood nonsense and no more of that sick brother..." I didn't realize what was
coming out of my mouth until I was slapped in the face. It was with the sound of that slap that I realized
how far I had gone, that I had said things I never wanted to say. After I realized it, I felt the pain not in
my cheek but in my conscience. The face of joy came before my eyes for the first time at that moment.
Her smile was perhaps the healthiest part of her sick body. My head fell to the side with the violence
of the slap. I couldn't lift my head for a while, as if everything was frozen. Even time couldn't take what
I said. It had stopped. When I straightened my head, I saw Ecenin quickly wiping a tear from her eye.
"He's dead because of you." He said. He was waving one hand at me. I'm sure that hand was trying
hard not to strangle me.
"Because of you. Do you hear me? We ran away from that hostel because of you. You got into our
blood. You gave that girl hope. You dreamed of being a family. After you, she couldn't take it. I couldn't
either. I couldn't keep her alive. She died in a damp room while you were here swimming in money."
He said. His words hurt me more than the slap. I couldn't say anything. I was disgusting.
"We were broke, true, but we had something you'll never have. Love. He died knowing he was loved.
He had a family. He had me. What do you have? A man you wouldn't stay with for five minutes if he
didn't have money. A man who would kick you out if he got bored. If he knew what kind of person you
are, he wouldn't think for a minute." He said. He turned around and went to the door.
"No matter what you do or who you are, you will never be happy. Unhappiness is the same in a damp
house or in a palace. You will die unhappy, but worst of all, knowing that you were never loved. Don't
ever show your face here again. I give you my rights. I hope I don't even see your face on the other
side." He said and left. When he left, I didn't know what to do, I just collapsed where I was. My whole
body felt numb. I knew this would happen one day, but as I said, I thought everything would be bigger,
I thought I would be able to prepare for this conversation in advance. Maybe I would gather my courage
and go to them and apologize. All these scenarios came to my mind, but I always avoided them. I even
avoided thinking about them. Everything he said was right. I didn't deserve anything good. I was a
selfish bitch. I had just left them behind, so caught up in my rich life that I didn't even think about how
they were for a day. My past was a part of me, but I had run away from that part of me for as long as I
could. I couldn't go back now. There was no point in going back anyway.
I remembered the day I asked Ece to run away from the dormitory. Joy had kidney failure and when it
f
irst appeared I realized that she couldn't live in this dormitory any longer. At that time, I was working
as a waitress in a cafe and Ece was working in a manicure shop. We were both working and I thought
that one room would be enough for us and Joy would have a home.
I confess I was the one who needed a home.
I only fooled them for my own desires. At the time I thought that was what was best for everyone. After
I met Aslan, I knew I couldn't take them with me, because Aslan and I weren't in love, so I couldn't
expect him to put up with my problems. If he saw me dragging two other people after me, he might
say why should I let someone with so many problems into my life when I could just marry another
woman. So I left. I didn't even call them, I just wrote a letter and left. If I had stayed because I loved
them, the three of us would have died in misery. I worked almost 12 hours, but it wasn't enough. So it
wasn't what I had imagined. I had to think about Joy's expenses, the rent, the bills, the kitchen, so many
things that I couldn't sleep at night. Aslan took that away from me. He took away the burdens on my
shoulders that made me unable to walk anymore. Who could argue with that. Who wouldn't choose a
life where they didn't have to worry about anything?
What I needed was not love.
Love was just a shackle.
I had no intention of adding to the chains I had ripped off my feet years ago. If you loved, everyone
expected sacrifice from you. They would call everything you would do for yourself selfish and would
want you to live only for them.
What I needed was not love.
Actually, maybe it was good that I saw Ecei. I was out of my mind all morning. It was a mistake to hug
the lion. She wasn't my wife. He was my money machine. I wasn't his wife either. I was his toy. I was his
stress ball that he had sex with when he was bored and fought with when he was bored. I was nothing
more than that.
I wasn't going to forget who I was.
I came back to my reality when my phone started ringing. It was the Rebel. She hadn't come here
because I called her or because she missed me or anything. As usual, I had entertained her a little and
she had come to complete the fun.
So there was no love.
I picked up the phone.
"I'm here, beautiful, are you done?" he said as soon as he opened it. I got up from my seat and started
to get dressed.
"It's over, yes, I'm getting dressed and leaving now." I said. There were still cracks in my voice from the
earthquake just now. Aslan noticed this immediately.
He said, "You don't sound well, is something wrong?" It was very hard to hide something from him, but
I had to do it.
Pull yourself together, Selin. Showing something won't help anyone.
I took a deep breath and got into my role.
"No, husband, what could have happened? Wait for me, I'll be right there." I said, trying to keep my
voice cheerful. I was good at pretending. Too good.
"I'll be waiting." He said and hung up. My husband was nice and all, but he was a bit of a jerk. He didn't
know how to be polite. For a moment I wondered if he wouldn't have suffered if he wasn't rich. He was
good in bed, but that's not the point. Actually, it was. After all, he hadn't come all this way for my sake.
For one thing, I had blue eyes.
What the hell am I talking about?
When I went out I didn't expect to see Aslan in all his charisma, smoking a cigarette. He didn't smoke
much. He was bored. And he was very sexy, unscrupulous. I put my usual smile on my face and ran
towards Aslan. Since his back was turned towards the road, he didn't notice me until I jumped on his
back and kissed his neck.
"LAN!" my ox bellowed, but he immediately threw away his cigarette and grabbed me with one hand.
I hated it when he smoked. It stank. He knew that, so he didn't smoke much. He was definitely in a bad
mood.
I said, "What are you, a lion or a bear?" When I got off his back, Aslan put his hands on my waist.
"My daughter, you're driving me crazy." He said. It wouldn't hurt to humor him a little and flirt with
him. I put my hands around his neck and snuggled a little.
I said, "I miss my husband. What's wrong?" That's how a little flirtation and a little trip would blow a
man's mind. I knew what was going through his mind. Men were so strange, I flirted a little and they
were instantly on my heels.
"Show me how much you missed it." He said laughing and then leaned in to kiss my lips and I
immediately pulled myself back and got out of his arms.
"I'd love to, husband, but I saw you smoking. Suddenly I have less sympathy for you." I said.
"I was able to take a breath and you came right away. Come here, let me look at your face like this." I
tried to laugh and run away while he brought his mouth closer to my face, but when he grabbed my
waist, I had nowhere to run. My husband was very strong. Then he moved to my lips and I didn't stop
him. When he started kissing the lion, all the voices were silenced. For a short time we were distracted
from our reality, but each time we came back I was hit harder. Each time it was harder and harder to
return to this reality. When we were separated, Aslan looked at me differently. It was like he really
missed me.
Don't get confused.
"Well, let's go." I said and we got in the car. When Aslan got in the car, the phone started ringing. Selim
was already late as the killer of our best moments again.
"Yes, Selim." Aslan started the car. Was it normal for me to rise even to his driving?
"Abi, where are you? You have a meeting." He canceled it for his wife. Of course Aslan didn't see the
dirty grin on my face. If I made fun of him, he would immediately retract himself and go back to the ice
floe.
"I was busy, Selim, you can handle it." Then he looked at me and winked. God, I'm coming to you.
"I'll take care of it, but I need you to come for the other job." Other business? Aslan had a dark side
that I had never seen but always knew existed. When I was around them, they would always speak in
euphemisms. It was like I didn't understand, but it was good for me not to show it because I had no
intention of meeting that side of him. Anyway, the Aslanda would never talk about it.
"I won't be long. I'll be back in two hours." He said. The smile on my face suddenly disappeared. Here I
was back in my reality. I was just a two-hour job. I was just his bitch that he was going to make out with
for a while. My mind started spinning with Ecenin's words.
We had something you could never have.
To love
You will die knowing that you were never loved.
The moment he gets bored, he'll kick you out.
"Selin, Selin..." I don't know how many times I said this to myself today when I heard the lion's voice,
but I said it again.
Just play your role.
"Why don't you take that alley?" I said. I looked down the road and there was a deserted alley. I was
entitled to some privacy to play my part, right?
"What?" Aslan was trying to figure it out. He didn't realize that I was speeding him up.
"Do as I say, Aslan." I said. He didn't expect this harsh response from me, but he did as I said without
saying anything.
"Selin, what's going on?" I didn't answer. A little further down the street.
"Pull the car over." He took a deep breath and did as I said. As soon as the car stopped, I took off my
seat belt and before Aslan even had a chance to turn to me, I sat on his lap and latched onto his lips.
Aslan couldn't respond to me for a while. Then, when he came to his senses, he grabbed my shoulders
and pulled me back.
"Are you crazy, girl, what's going on?" I took his hands off my shoulders, cupped his face and kissed him
again.
"That's what you came for. I'm speeding it up." I said, pulling back a little. I was kissing him so fast that
Aslan was trying to pull back but he couldn't keep up with me. Each time he pulled away, I gripped him
t
ighter. Aslan finally took my hands away from his face and fixed them behind my back. When he did
that, I had to pull back.
"Wait a minute. I swear in the car. What happened in two minutes?" He said. He was red because I
literally attacked his lips. I sighed.
"Aslan, no one's here, so we don't have to pretend. We both know why you're here." I said.
He said, "Oh, my God, why am I here?" He was still pretending, but I was tired of playing. I rubbed
myself against his hardness. Instantly he stiffened beneath me, his eyes darkened. It was as simple as
that.
"That's what it's for. That's what you want, isn't it? That's all there is between us, money and sex." I
said. He was angry at what I said. He started to squeeze my hands behind my back too tightly and he
was looking at me like he was going to jump on me at any moment. That's what it felt like to come back
to reality.
"Money and sex, huh? Your beautiful mind only sees money, doesn't it? It doesn't see another dick."
He said. He wasn't yelling, but I think I would have been less scared if he had. Still, I wasn't going to
back down, and I was angry.
"Yes, it is. You do your part, I do my part. Isn't that why we got married?" My voice might have raised a
little bit. A little bit, but very little.
The lion only turned his head to the right for a brief moment and laughed, but it was a laugh of pure
anger. What was he angry about?
"What did I expect?" I heard him say, but it was almost a whisper.
"Right." He turned to me. His voice was like ice. We were back to reality. He pressed a hard kiss to my
lips and pulled back.
"Everybody do their part." He said and his hands started squeezing my buttocks, kissing me harder.
Then everyone did their part. Me and the lion were both harder than we had ever been.
By the way, sex in the car was not comfortable.
Not at all.