Chapter 59:A abyss.
"Well, I will be off then. See you guys soon." Akeshi waved his hand, a smile playing on his lips as he walked away, his footsteps echoing softly on the pavement.
"See ya! It was nice meeting you! Let's meet again!" Shimo replied enthusiastically, waving both of her hands with an energy that seemed to light up her entire being.
Akeshi didn't say anything further, but he nodded in acknowledgment. The simple gesture spoke volumes, indicating the mutual respect and budding friendship between them.
As I watched Akeshi disappear into the distance, I turned my attention back to Shimo, who was practically bouncing with excitement. "Well, let's go to your house. It's been a while since we hung out in your room!" she suggested, her eyes sparkling with anticipation.
I shook my head and let out a laugh, feeling a sense of warmth spread through me. "Sure. Let's hang out."
This would be a good opportunity for us to get closer. Maybe I would finally get to know more about her likes and dislikes, her dreams and fears. Maybe, just maybe, I could start to bridge the gap between us.
---
This is not how it's supposed to be.
Both Shimo and I were sitting in my room, engrossed in a game. Despite being officially a couple, there was a strange distance between us. It felt more like two friends hanging out rather than two people in a relationship. If I were to tell someone we were dating, they would probably laugh and think I was joking.
So what should I do?
Dating was never something I was good at. In my previous life, I only went on dates to gather information. My looks and charisma, which others claimed I had, were tools to lure the daughters of high-profile families. I would charm them, extract the information I needed, and then discard them like used tissues. It was a cold, calculated process, devoid of any genuine emotion.
Now, sitting here with Shimo, I realized just how unprepared I was for this. I didn't know what to do or how to act. The only thing I knew was that I didn't want to hurt her.
"Yes! I won!" Shimo's triumphant shout snapped me out of my thoughts.
I glanced at the screen and saw that the score was 2-6 in Shimo's favor. A surge of competitiveness rose within me. "Let's go for a rematch..." I said, feeling a rush of determination.
As I sat there, my back resting against the wooden frame of the bed, I felt a strange heaviness settling into my limbs. It was as if invisible chains were weighing me down. My thoughts were sluggish, like they were wading through a thick fog. My skin felt clammy and damp, a thin sheen of sweat breaking out across my forehead and trickling down my temples. Despite the warmth of the room, a sharp, bone-deep chill ran down my spine, making me shiver.
"Hey, Shimo," I started, my voice sounding unusually hoarse to my own ears. "Do you ever feel... I don't know, just really out of it all of a sudden?"
Shimo turned her attention away from the screen, her eyes narrowing in concern. It was odd seeing her so serious when I was used to her free-spirited nature. "What do you mean?"
I shrugged, trying to shake off the uneasy feeling. "I don't know, I just feel kind of... off. My head is pounding, and I feel really tired."
This was probably the first time I had ever messed up a word while speaking. It was embarrassing, but I couldn't focus on that now.
Shimo put her controller aside and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, leaning closer to get a better look at me. "You don't look so good, Ren. Let me check your temperature."
Before I could protest, she pressed the back of her hand against my forehead and the other against her own. A few moments later, her eyes widened slightly as she felt the heat radiating from my skin.
"Ren, you're burning up," she said, her voice tinged with worry. She quickly grabbed a thermometer from the bedside table and handed it to me. "Here, take your temperature."
Still feeling dazed, I took the thermometer and placed it under my tongue. The seconds dragged on as the room seemed to spin around me. My vision blurred at the edges, and a dull ache throbbed behind my eyes. When the thermometer beeped, I pulled it out and handed it to Shimo.
She glanced at the reading and frowned. "You have a fever. 102 degrees. No wonder you're feeling so awful."
I sighed, leaning my head back against the wall. "I guess that explains it," I murmured, closing my eyes. A wave of nausea washed over me, and I had to take slow, deep breaths to keep it at bay. My muscles ached as if I'd been lifting heavy weights, and every movement felt like a monumental effort.
Shimo walked over to the table and grabbed a bottle of water. She poured some into a glass and handed it to me. "Drink this," she said firmly. "You need to rest."
I chuckled weakly at her stern tone. "This is not funny!" she scolded, her voice slightly higher than usual.
As I sipped the water, it felt incredibly refreshing. I never knew water could taste so good.
"How about I help you take care of yourself?" Shimo suggested.
"Thanks for the offer, but no. I'll be fine. I have medicine, so don't worry," I told her, my voice slightly firmer.
"Are you sure?" Shimo asked, her voice dripping with concern. "Uncle and Aunt aren't home. Maybe I should stay—"
"Like I said, Shimo," I interrupted, "I'll be fine. Trust me. I'll be fine."
It seemed she got the message, as she reluctantly left.
I walked her to the door, and even as I closed it, I could see the concern in her eyes. I felt bad for pushing her away, for ruining the mood. It was all because of me.
I went back to my room and let myself fall onto the bed. I reached out to the lamp and turned it off. I really needed some sleep. That's how it always was in my previous life. That's how it would be in this life too.
I pushed away the light, as always, like I did when I was younger. This felt like a repeat telecast.
.
.
.
.
This is the path of my change. Once, I was nothing more than a shadow, a remorseless instrument of death. In my previous life, I was a mercenary, cold and unfeeling. Emotions were a weakness, a vulnerability I couldn't afford. I was a tool, a weapon honed to perfection, executing orders without question, extinguishing lives with cold precision.
But now, everything is different. I've been given another chance, a chance to live, to feel, to be human. The world around me is vibrant and alive, full of color and emotion, and I find myself longing to be a part of it. I want to experience joy, sorrow, love, and pain—not as fleeting distractions, but as real, tangible parts of my existence.
Shimo's laughter, Akeshi's kindness, the warmth of friendship—these are the things that draw me forward, pulling me out of the abyss. Their smiles are like beacons, guiding me toward a future where I can be more than just a ghost of my past. They don't see the killer I once was; they see someone worth caring about, someone who deserves a chance at redemption.
But the shadows of my past are not so easily dispelled. They cling to me, whispering doubts and fears, reminding me of the lives I've taken, the blood on my hands. The faces of the fallen haunt my dreams, their lifeless eyes accusing me, condemning me. It's a weight I carry, a burden I can't simply cast aside.
Yet, despite this darkness, I feel a flicker of hope. It's a fragile thing, like a single flame in a vast expanse of night, but it's there, urging me onward. I want to believe that I can change, that I can be more than my past. I want to shed the cold, emotionless shell I've built around myself and step into the light.
This path is not easy. Every step forward is a struggle against the current, a fight to break free from the chains of my history. But I have to keep moving, to keep striving. I owe it to myself, and to those who believe in me. I want to be someone they can rely on, someone they can trust and care for.
The road ahead is uncertain, filled with challenges and temptations to revert to my old ways. But I can't let fear dictate my actions. I have to embrace this journey, no matter how difficult, no matter how painful. This is my chance to redefine who I am, to find the humanity I thought I had lost forever.
There will be setbacks, moments of doubt where the shadows seem insurmountable. But in those times, I must remember why I'm doing this. I must hold onto the glimpses of light, the fleeting moments of connection that remind me of what it means to be alive. I must strive to touch the light, to reach beyond the sea of suffocation that once drowned me.
This is the path of my change. It's a path fraught with difficulty and uncertainty, but it's the only path worth taking. I'm not just fighting for survival anymore; I'm fighting for a life filled with meaning, with emotion, with genuine human connection. I'm fighting to be more than a weapon, more than a killer. I'm fighting to be me.
And so, I will swim forward, one step at a time, towards the light in front of me. This is my journey, my quest to achieve something I lost. This is the path of my change.