Chapter 60: chasing after light.
Ren stirred as the morning light gently coaxed him from a restless sleep. He blinked, disoriented, as the familiar surroundings of his room came into focus. His body ached less than it had in the previous days, but a different kind of pain gnawed at him from within.
'I can't keep depending on her,' he thought, a grim determination settling in his chest. 'I can't become a burden on anyone. It's a good thing Ryo-san and Ryuga-san left for Kyoto for some work... I have to stand on my own.'
At that moment, adult Ren took over the young Ren's body. Ren's eyes weren't the same as they had been till now. Before, his eyes were filled with curiosity and excitement, but currently, if someone were to look into his eyes, they would think he hadn't slept for a long time. Although there weren't any eye bags, the downcast expression and the emotionless eyes were enough to tell any person that he was tired.
He was always tired. In his previous life, he had forgotten how to sleep properly. His life was always in danger. No matter how much he tried, if he attempted to sleep peacefully, the thought that someone might come and kill him was always there in his mind at that time.
But before he fell ill, he would keep those thoughts in the deepest part of his mind.
Those thoughts, combined with many other types of thoughts, stole his ability to sleep, to feel, to enjoy. Those thoughts acted as a cage that kept him at bay.
And those thoughts that he had caged inside his mind came back and now haunted him. He really wanted to throw those thoughts away.
Hide from them.
Avoid them.
Escape from them.
But he was unable to do so. These thoughts were occupying his mind. They acted like a color tainting clean water.
After he was sent back in time, the first thing in the morning he would think about was how to spend the day, how to help his parents, etc.
But now that wasn't what he was thinking.
He was thinking about how to save Sun Chemical from the demise it would face in the near future. And from what he could tell, his interference might cause the event to bite back with much more power.
At the moment, he was placing his hands inside a sleeping lion's mouth. It was unpredictable when the lion would bite back. He needed to be cautious not to make any blunders because if he did, the lion would eat his hand and then his entire being.
The fact that he didn't have any sort of influence didn't make it any better. He needed to have influence, and if he didn't, the whole plan he had made would turn into useless crap that would stay in his mind.
'Maybe... I can use it...' This thought made his face turn towards the hanger where the pants he wore yesterday were. He walked up to it, his body aching more with each movement he made.
'I should have stayed in bed,' he thought to himself. But since he was already out of bed, he figured he might as well do the work he intended to do.
He dove his hands into the pocket. For some odd reason, he felt like the search should be off.
He felt like he was searching for a small needle inside a pond, and the pond's water was polluted, making it hard to find the card. But after searching for another few minutes, he finally found the card.
He looked at the name, but it didn't ring any bells in his head. He thought that maybe the old man had gotten his company thrown out of competition while he was still a student, which is why he couldn't remember. He walked towards the bed and sat down on the edge. His head started hurting.
'I need to go and get the medicine,' he thought to himself and walked down, using the wall as support. This made him mad as he wasn't used to this.
He walked towards the box that had all the medicine. He took one for the headache and sat down on the ground with a glass of water in his hand.
While taking the medicine, he thought about why he had suddenly gotten sick. He couldn't remember doing anything that would cause this type of sickness.
'I don't need to think about this...' he thought and got up, using the ground as support. 'What is important is for me to kill the cow who would cause more trouble than profit...'
He thought and got up, barely standing. He placed all the strength he could muster and started walking towards his room.
After reaching in front of the door of his room, he touched the doorknob and felt an electrifying sensation. He jolted back.
He shook his head and tried to open the door again, this time with his shirt wrapped around his hand. He was able to successfully open the door without being shocked.
He walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, his body feeling tired.
He fell down and let his body do what it needed to do: fall asleep.
Before falling into slumber, his eyes fell on the wall clock. The time read 4:09 AM.
As he lay there, staring at the ceiling, he began to reflect deeply on his journey. The path he had walked was fraught with darkness, danger, and a numbing lack of emotion. He had been a mercenary who killed without remorse, a man who had buried his humanity beneath layers of cold efficiency. Now, in this second chance at life, he yearned for something different.
'I used to think emotions were a hindrance, a weakness that could be exploited. But now, surrounded by people who care, I realize how wrong I was. They have something I desperately want—a connection to life that goes beyond mere survival.'
He turned over, feeling the softness of the bed against his weary body, a stark contrast to the hard, unforgiving surfaces he had slept on in his past life. The warmth of the blanket enveloped him, a small comfort he had often taken for granted.
'I want to touch the light,' he thought, closing his eyes and visualizing a bright, warm sun just out of reach. 'I've spent too long in the sea of suffocation, drowning in my own emptiness. It's time to swim towards the surface, to breathe in the fresh air of a life lived fully.'
The memories of his past life flickered through his mind like an old film reel, scenes of violence, betrayal, and relentless pursuit. He had been a tool, an instrument of death, with no room for feelings or personal connections. Each mission had stripped away a piece of his soul until there was almost nothing left.
'But now, I have a chance to rebuild,' he mused, feeling a spark of hope ignite within him. 'I can become someone new, someone who values the warmth of a smile, the comfort of a kind word, the bond of friendship. I don't have to be the emotionless killer anymore.'
He thought about the people in his current life, the bonds he was beginning to form. They were fragile, tentative steps towards a future he had never dared to dream of. He wanted to nurture these connections, to see them grow into something beautiful and enduring.
'I will learn to feel again,' he resolved, a sigh leaving his mouth ,'I will embrace the light, no matter how painful it might be at first. Because in the end, it's worth it. To be human, to truly live, is worth all the struggle.'
He begins to speak to himself while staring at the ceiling.
"I will change, probably. I will smile sincerely, probably.
Change is an elusive concept, one I've chased like a shadow in the dark. My life has been one of cold precision, every action calculated, every emotion buried deep. It's strange to think of changing now, after everything I've been through, afeer everything I have done. The idea of becoming someone who can feel, who can smile sincerely, seems almost laughable to me.
But there's a flicker of hope in the abyss. I've seen glimpses of another way of living, one where people genuinely care for each other, where laughter isn't just a facade. It's foreign to me, this warmth, this light. Yet, I find myself drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.
In my previous life, emotions were a liability. They were distractions that could get you killed. But in this second chance, I see how those very emotions I shunned could be the key to a life worth living. The people around me now, they laugh, they cry, they live with a vibrancy I can't help but envy.
I will change, probably. I will smile sincerely, probably.
These words echo in my mind, a mantra of sorts. They are not certainties, but possibilities. Change isn't easy, and sincerity can't be forced. It has to come naturally, from a place of genuine feeling. That's the hardest part for someone like me, who's spent a lifetime suppressing every hint of emotion.
But I want to try. I want to believe that I can be more than a relic of my past. That I can forge a new identity, one that embraces the light instead of hiding from it. It won't be easy, and I'll stumble along the way. Yet, every small step towards change is a victory.
I will change, probably. I will smile sincerely, probably."