Chapter 58: A mercenary.
"Good job saving him." Ren was greeted by Akeshi at the entrance of the bathhouse, his voice warm and filled with admiration. The humid air of the bathhouse mixed with the fresh evening breeze as they stood at the threshold, the gentle rustling of leaves in the background adding to the serene atmosphere.
"Thanks." Ren smirked, a fuzzy feeling blossoming in his chest. The sense of accomplishment was overwhelming, almost intoxicating. The twilight sky above was a canvas of deepening blues and purples, the first stars beginning to twinkle.
Maybe being able to save a life is what's giving me this feeling? he mused silently, glancing up at the sky. In his previous life, he had been saved just like this once, and the memory was nostalgic, bringing back emotions he thought he had buried long ago.
"That was so cool of you!" a voice chirped, and before he could turn to see who it was, he felt a familiar weight jump onto his back. The sensation was unmistakable, the warmth of another body against his and the slight scent of vanilla in the air.
"Geez, Shimo, don't do this kind of stuff out of the blue, okay?" Ren said, looking back at her. Shimo was getting comfortable on his back, her arms wrapped securely around his neck. Her eyes sparkled with mischief and admiration, her cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Oh, so you're this 'Shimo' he talked about? It's nice to meet you. He used to say tons of praise about how cute you are and how you were there when he needed someone to save him," Akeshi said, his tone playful and kind. His eyes reflected a genuine interest as he looked at Shimo.
"Eh!? Really?! That's so cute of you, Ren-san! I feel so happy." Shimo's voice was brimming with excitement and affection. Her grip around Ren's neck tightened slightly, as if she was trying to share her happiness through the closeness.
"So, what's your full name?" Akeshi asked Shimo, who had finally settled comfortably on Ren's back. Ren had his hands supporting her thighs, and Shimo's arms were snug around his neck. The three of them formed a small circle of warmth and familiarity amidst the cooling evening.
"It's Kinusoga Shimo!" Shimo declared proudly, her voice filled with enthusiasm and energy. Her eyes shone brightly under the streetlights that had just flickered on, casting a soft glow on their faces.
Akeshi and Shimo hit it off quite well, their conversation flowing easily. They talked about various things, from how Shimo remembered Ren talking about Akeshi to the time Akeshi was spotted by Shimo while shopping. The bathhouse buzzed with their animated exchange, a stark contrast to the earlier tension. The gentle hum of crickets in the background added a soothing rhythm to their lively conversation.
"Oh right! Tarazune-san, I want to ask, do you have a girlfriend?" Shimo asked suddenly, her tone curious but with an underlying seriousness that caught Ren's attention. He could feel the tension in her grip around his neck. The question hung in the air, creating a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on forever.
"Yes..." Akeshi answered cautiously, not wanting to sound dishonest or evasive. His eyes darted to Ren briefly before settling back on Shimo, the slight hesitation in his voice noticeable.
"Does this girl have black hair, long and flowing, and golden eyes?" This detail captured Ren's attention even more. He knew someone who matched that description, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions. His heart pounded in his chest, each beat a reminder of the uncertainty that lay ahead.
If he was right, then it would be news that needs to be spread in the group chat, he thought. It must be spread.
"Hm... no, the description doesn't match though... why?" Akeshi's answer made Ren want to sigh in relief. His head felt like it was about to explode from the tension. He decided to keep his thoughts to himself. The air around them seemed to lighten, the weight of the moment lifting slightly.
But while this topic lingered, Ren began to ponder deeply.
Does he think of the girl on his back—Shimo—as his girlfriend? A girl he wants to spend his life with? He wasn't sure about it. He didn't know if he was even thinking of her in that way.
After his brain finally settled down, he was sure that he didn't consider her that way. He maybe had considered her as a 'support.' Nothing more than that, if he had to say.
Kinusoga Shimo was a 'support,' not a 'person to care for' to him. This realization made his eyes drop to the ground. Until now, he had unconsciously thought of Shimo as nothing but a 'support,' not a 'person to care for.' He felt guilty, unsure of how he would rid himself of this guilt. And the fact that Shimo was so happy for them getting together only intensified his guilt.
This made his guilt more extreme.
But maybe there is hope, he thought, a glimmer of optimism breaking through his dark thoughts.
He wondered about all those couples who, after dating for some time, realized their feelings.
Although there are some where they realized their feelings in a bad way, he noted, not wanting to dwell on those negative outcomes. He looked at Shimo again, her cheerful chatter filling the air, her eyes sparkling with joy. She seemed so carefree, so full of life. Could he ever see her as more than just a support?
Positive... yeah, think positive. Ren repeated this mantra in his head. He wanted to think positively. In his previous life, his negative thinking had pushed away everyone—his parents, his friends.
As well as himself.
It was so bad that his mindset was like this: 'I am given tasks and they must be completed.' That's how his mindset was. This was the reason why he did many bad things.
I was no human at that time. I was nothing but a robot. A robot whose sole purpose was to make sure all the tasks given to him were completed with perfection. I thought of emotions as a useless concept. A concept that shouldn't have existed. I had forgotten how to sleep. I had forgotten how to taste the food that was given to me. To me, those things were important. And after I was given this chance, I can say this much—that I am glad. Glad that I could change myself. But unknown to me... that me is always there... faking emotion and all... it's something that has attached itself to me...
Ren's thoughts swirled with the weight of his past life and the realization of how far he had come. But the shadow of his former self lingered, a reminder of the cold, emotionless existence he had once led. He looked at Shimo, feeling a mixture of gratitude and guilt. She had been there for him, a constant support, and he didn't want to let her down.
As they continued to chat and laugh, Ren made a silent promise to himself. He would work on being a better person, not just for himself but for those who believed in him and cared for him. The journey ahead might be challenging, but he was determined to face it with a positive outlook and a heart open to genuine connections.
"I wonder," Ren began, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over them, "if we sometimes take the people around us for granted. Do you ever feel that way, Akeshi?"
Akeshi looked thoughtful, his eyes reflecting the warm glow of the streetlights. "Sometimes. But I think it's important to acknowledge those feelings and work on them. We're all human, after all."
Shimo tightened her hold around Ren's neck, her voice softening. "Ren-san, you've always been there for me, even if you don't realize it. And I'll always be here for you, too."
Ren felt a lump form in his throat, a mixture of emotions he struggled to identify. "Thanks, Shimo. That means a lot."
The night deepened, and the three of them continued their conversation, the world around them fading into the background. Ren's heart felt lighter, and for the first time in a long while, he allowed himself to hope. The past was a part of him, but it didn't have to define his future.
As they eventually parted ways, Ren looked back at Shimo and Akeshi, feeling a profound sense of gratitude. The road ahead might be uncertain, but he knew he wasn't walking it alone.
He glanced up at the night sky once more, the stars shining brightly. Perhaps, just perhaps, he could learn to let go of his past and embrace the new possibilities that lay ahead.
•••••••
In my past life, I was a mercenary who killed without remorse, a man devoid of emotions. Each kill was a mechanical action, each mission just another task to complete. I had become a creature of habit, my humanity stripped away by the endless cycle of violence and death. The weight of my actions never registered; my heart was a barren wasteland, untouched by the warmth of feelings or the light of empathy.
Now, in this new life, I find myself surrounded by people who care for me, who reach out to me with genuine concern and affection. It's a stark contrast to the cold, solitary existence I once knew. They laugh, they cry, they feel—emotions that were foreign concepts to the person I used to be. I envy them, their ability to experience the world so vividly, to be moved by the simplest of things.
I wish to touch that light, to emerge from the sea of suffocation that has kept me submerged for so long. It's as if I've been drowning, struggling for air, and now I see the surface, glimmering with promise and hope. The light above is bright, warm, and inviting. I want to reach it, to break free from the depths that have held me captive.
But the journey is daunting. Each stroke towards the surface requires effort, a will to change that I have to muster from within. The sea is vast and dark, filled with the shadows of my past—memories of the lives I took, the pain I caused. It's a constant pull, dragging me down, whispering that I am unworthy of the light. Yet, I refuse to listen. I can no longer be that man, that empty vessel.
The people around me are beacons, their light guiding me through the murky waters. They show me what it means to care, to love, to feel. Their presence is a reminder that there is more to life than survival, more than the cold efficiency of a killer. With every day, every interaction, I learn a little more about what it means to be human.
I cling to the hope that I can transform, that I can let go of the man I was and embrace the person I wish to become. I want to laugh with them, to feel joy and sorrow, to experience the full spectrum of emotions that make life meaningful. It's a difficult path, fraught with challenges and setbacks, but I am determined.
I want to swim towards the light, no matter how arduous the journey. I want to reach the surface, breathe the fresh air of a life filled with emotions, and leave behind the suffocating depths of my past. This is my resolve, my deepest desire—to become someone who can touch the light and bask in its warmth, a person capable of love and empathy. The sea of suffocation will no longer define me; I will rise above it and embrace the light that awaits.