"No," Kate stated; as an answer to the question I had asked. 'If they had eaten that is', Thus, I called one of the cafeteria heads and requested three special meals. I don't know why I was buying for Funky; I still felt a range of emotions sweep through me whenever I saw, and when I see him right now. I am still processing the fact that they are together. The funny thing is, I never indulged myself in any relationship after us, Kate and I; however, I don't think she will ever know that.
"Doctor Levin," the chef, whom I called to bring food, called out from outside. Equally requested him to come in, with him the delicious food, and I paid using my working credit card.
"Okay," I started, after serving them and getting back into my seat. "I, I am… I don't know how to put this,"
I did not want to scare them about the child, and I did not want to put Kate under so much pressure as she was in at the moment. Being a mother is something no man will ever understand, unless, I think, you become a doctor and realize the relief of saving lives and giving life to new beings—the art of nurturing, caring, and the pain of losing. But I was a father, and I know I felt all this from a man's perspective. The fact that I was still not on the boy's medication card still amused me, but I did not want to confront or say anything about it. It's just funny how you can easily be denied all the rights of being with your son and your son denied the rights of even having your name. But I need not think about all this; I needed to just keep calm and assume that Kate had all the reasons. If he were registered under my name, of course, all the surgery and everything would be catered for freely, using my membership allowance card. But anyway, I just did not want to press the matter. I wonder what she thought I was feeling. So, as I passed through the medication, I just said it aloud:
"Shane Austin Lamar," and then I just swallowed a hard lump of painful saliva as the pain of fatherhood being taken away from me struck me.
"Hayzen, it's not—" Kate started speaking, but I just looked at her, showing my front teeth as if smiling, but I was trying hard to hide the pain.
"It is okay. Ahhhmmhhh, yea, I can see the doctor states quite well his condition. That's nice," I stated, changing the topic, but I knew this would pain me; the fact that I was changing the subject. "I once saw Shane at a certain orphanage. I'm not sure if it was him, but they seem quite familiar."
"Really?" Kate asked, as she was halfway through her food, and I wondered how much time had passed. How she now had become a little different; she wore official wear but still had her class. She made the same eye contact with me, and hearing Funky clear his throat, I realized I was staring at Kate. So I just averted my eyes, drank some water that was next to me, and stood, carrying the notepad that had the medical conditions that I was to attend to for the night.
"I will be back in a bit," I stated as I left, hearing the murmur they were already having inside.
I first went to the first patient, with some complications. Another was in resus; I needed to check how he was holding on. According to the practitioner's report, he might have some head injury, but his heart seemed to have some complications and needed a cardio check. The next one was a medical prescription for another who suffered cardiac arrest while fixing electricity. There were indeed some activities for the night, as there always are. I was not tired, though, but sometimes we get tired when the shift is almost over. The constant calculations, the constant thoughts of plans to execute are what really eat us up. Especially an emergency. Emergencies happen anywhere; I could be here and be called to the maternity wards, being sought for aid as one of the children's hearts is abnormally beating, needing checking, needing prescription. There is always this and that, but emergencies make all doctors and nurses confused, especially accidents. Accidents are the most confusing and unexplainable things. In addition to sick children, they have no capacity to speak for themselves, so you have to either make judgments if the parent cannot provide any information.
Anyway, I went around for almost three hours. I am sure it was almost midnight. I rarely even carry my phone around. I wonder if Kate and Funky had headed to sleep. They should at least sleep on one of the sofas and the other on the heart test machine. Anyway, I was quite busy. So after, I went straight to check my boy in the pediatric room. He was already placed in the wards, so I requested them to place him in a more separate room, alone. The reason was that I did not want his heart to stress from the constant crying of children, and again, I wanted to really monitor him and his heart condition. I needed him to stay with me, at least.
He was breathing, at least. However, his constant rates were still different. His blood pressure was a little high, which was worrying, but the medicine given to him, I believe, will regulate it, and by tomorrow, we will be able to deal with the situation by conducting surgery. So, I just sat next to the boy for, I guess, thirty minutes, watching him and just saying things like, "I love you, and I need you to fight this." Then, before leaving, I played a Cocomelon song on a loop for three hours to maybe calm his heart and make him not feel alone. I did not know; I just, I just did not know how I would save him, but I knew we would—my crew, Doctor Heung, the professor, and other cardiologists. We have done these types of surgeries on children, and some are successful. Yes, some, not all. Sometimes it's a probable chance between life and death, and it hurts.
Anyway, I left for my office, only to find Funky asleep and Kate still seated on the chair, and I felt bad. I really did—the pain of a child. So, I just went in, placed all the files on the table, removed my stethoscope, and just sat on my office seat as I observed her.
"Do you need some water?" I asked her.
"Is it my fault? The drinking and the weed smoking?" she asked me suddenly, as I saw tears escape her eyes.
"No, really, no… these are conditions not really meant for finger-pointing. It's normal," I stated, assuring her.
"Do you think he will survive?"
"Of course, he will… he is a big boy, strong like Lamar," I stated, laughing, and for the moment, I sensed disappointment in her face.
"Hayzen, it is not like that," she stated, but I just nodded, trying to tell her not to press the issue.
"I was missing, Kate… I know, I should have, I should have surpassed all obstacles, and just shown myself, even if it meant being labeled the villain. I'm sorry… he was there, I believe, and he deserves all the credit. However, I would have really loved if I would at least see my name on his… on Shane's, you know."
I did not know those words were the words that I needed to hear myself say, because I literally ended up feeling sad and emotional, and this time it was in front of Kate. So, I just intentionally let the pen I was holding fall down, and as I picked it up from the floor, I wiped my tears, telling myself to be strong.
"… but ahh… it is okay. I will do everything I can to guarantee the wellness of the child. I promise you. You should have some rest. I will take care of him." I told her after raising my head and ignoring the emotions I was feeling. I had mastered how to control my emotions. It was something that really took me so much time, and finally, it equaled to this—this me now. I wonder if Kate would date me if I was like this, but I ignored the thought after stating it. It was not like I never requested us to be together before.
"Can I see him?" she stated, and I just reluctantly nodded, although I knew it was not right for patients to be seen when it is not visiting hours. But I just took her, as we left Funky sleeping on the sofa. My head questioned what she saw in the dude; he never even finished medicine. I heard he went to study Disk Joker or something, but I never really asked much about him.
I steadily opened the curtains, making sure no practitioner saw me. The time was late; most of the night shift nurses took this time to rest, unless an emergency came up. I let Kate go near the boy and give him kisses on the forehead. He looked like little Shane from the orphanage I had visited some days back.
"He has your eyes," Kate stated, and I just looked at her and then the boy's eyes. I never really thought of this moment—me meeting the boy like this, he in a hospital, and I being the doctor, and Kate on the verge of tears. The next thing I knew was Kate starting to whimper, and all I did was hug her steadily as I slowly led her from the small area where the boy slept to the outside.
"It's okay," I stated as she looked at me.
"He has your smile…"
"KATE," I stated. I did not want the romantics at the moment. I really did not.
"I always saw you when I looked at him. The way he nodded his head, his laugh, when he called 'mamaa.' I told him stories about you. I really did," Kate stated, but I just nodded as I wiped off her tears. And suddenly Funky approached and slightly pushed me and embraced Kate, I did not know what else to do. So, I just looked at them, confused about this moment, and wondered what to do; what I was thinking hugging her.
"Fra…" Kate stated, in between her cries, and I just realized that I was just meddling in the business of two people.
"You should go home. I will take care of him… okay," I stated in a low tone as I left, remembering that there was a patient who needed preparation for tomorrow morning's surgery—to check his heart rate, blood pressure, sugar levels, and all that, just to be sure, just to be sure.