"Hello, Ma, I hope you are fine," I started the conversation, sounding as casual as I could possibly be.
"What is happening, Hayzen?" she asked me, a name she rarely used when referring to me.
"I am going to be a father," I stated, as straightforward and random as it could be. I did not really care.
"Are you... what do you mean by you are going to be a father?" she asked her voice raising,
"I met a girl. I liked her, though..," I stated, and she went silent for some time.
"And what do you plan? Do her parents know?" she questioned not giving me even a chance to complete my statement.
"Yes, they have just found out," I stated.
"Okay," she said.
She too seemed to be taking time to process; that 'okay' was what made me understand. We both were a little similar; Incase I was given stressful news, I did not know what to say until I finally processed the words. And this was because; I primarily needed to really carefully craft the words before speaking. I feared without processing the news, Imight say something hurtful or something not really good.
"How many months is she?" she asked after a lengthy pause.
"Eight," I stated.
"You waited that long to tell me?" she asked, and I just became a little silent, because of course that was not my intention.
Actually, the intention was never to tell her of my relationship and of my mistake leading to the child. To my mother, I was still a child, so being called a grandmother so early was something I believe she did not wish for, and here I was, already giving her the title.
"Has she been visiting the clinic? Do you have the insurance cover cleared for the maternity free pass?" she asked me a few too many questions, to all of which I said yes. Then, "What is her parents' reaction? And where is the girl from?"
"The girl is from the Bay, and her parents, well..." I could not tell her, so I just went a little silent about it, and I hopefully hoped she understood my silence. I just could not bluntly tell her that they took the news far from positive.
Honestly, The movies lied to us. Having a child is barely gracious as it seems in those television sets. The news are actually surprising, negatively taken and just not good.
My mum did not say another word after my explanation of Kate's area of residence. She just hung up on me.
I don't know how else she would react to the news, but at least I continued with my education that was a relief. However, I felt sad for Kate. She left school, she deferred. It was not my opinion, I just let her make that decision. She was too shy to go to classes. I really don't know why.
Anyway, I sat here, on this couch, switched off the disturbing screen, and continued drinking the burning vodka in this glass. Emotionally, I felt like crying, hurt, helpless, and just broken. Physically, I felt drained, like everything I was doing was getting me too tired, even if it was getting myself up from this couch and finishing cleaning up. It just felt really hard.
And so, I tried Kate's phone again, but it still went to voicemail. And I wondered if she really knew how bad she was torturing me, how bad she was making me feel in this moment. I wondered if she really thought of me as much as I did of her. I just felt really, really, really bad. These emotions, me missing her, me losing her, the thoughts of her not just being here, were literally too much for me to handle. Even the alcohol was doing me no good; it was making me no better really. It just felt like really mental torture.
I never expected this, but it's cool. I can manage, I can manage, I told myself over and over, as I looked at the phone that was not even ringing as I wished.
Thus, I wondered what to do. It was a weekend. The queen bee would literally be with her boyfriend. Luke, of course, cozy with his girlfriend and me alone here. I hope they never break up though' Luke and his girl, those two are really a piece to admire.
Or should I catch up with Funky, have some drinks, and maybe call a truce to our former fights and make a new start? But I told myself that's bullshit. Then I thought, should I just sit at that table –which was at the corner if the living room- and start really reading my medical books? But I felt no.
Dr. Kingstone had already given me a heads-up not to come to work until I was well. Even if I didn't feel better tomorrow, I had the right to still pass. However, he wouldn't pay me, so I was giving up my salary just because I was thinking of Kate. I can't blame myself, though. It does happen, and I know I'm not the only one who has ever faced this, but it really hurts. So I just lazily stood up, went to shower, and jumped over the mop I was using to clean, assuming it was not there. After showering, I wore nice clothes and just left the house, not sure where I was heading, but I really needed to clear my head. However, nothing would clear my head better than literally hearing Kate's voice.
The next thing I knew,I was a few blocks past my hostel stay at the booking office, asking the bus price from New York University to San Francisco. As if I would use up all my money to travel, but I knew for sure that if Luke did not call me at that spur of the moment, I would book the damn ticket and leave. I wasn't sure why; I would just leave, and maybe when I got there, I would just get stuck wondering if I should call Kate and tell her I was there. I don't know what I would really do. So yes, Luke called.
"Hello."
"Dude, what the fuck? When did you start drinking? The house is a fucking mess." When did he arrive? He did not even give me a heads-up, so I just hung up and left the booking station, and started walking back to my hostel residing area.
"Dude," I started as I knocked on the door. He was there, with his guitar and his new style of wearing a lot of chains and everything, but I did not really have any questions about his style of clothing.
"Wassup, bro," he questioned, pointing at the bottles and the half-cleaning I had done.
"Nothing," I stated, as I pointed at the half-empty bottle. "Want some?"
"I was just passing by," he stated, and I just nodded. "Where's Kate?"
"Her mom..." I started, but realized I could not really keep a straight face talking about everything that happened, and as if understanding, he helped me close the door behind me, as he made himself comfortable on the couch, and I on one of the chairs around the room.
"Dude, did you tell your mom?"
"Yeah, she didn't say much," I stated, and he just nodded.
"Don't worry, bro, you got this. Keep pushing, yeah," he stated, and I just stayed there hoping he would not make this another melancholy moment.
"It's okay, just holding on. It was inevitable, anyway," I stated. "So, what are you doing today? Any gigs?" I asked, trying to shift the subject. Today, even if it meant me being there praising him, I would truly be for real. I just needed a little distraction, just a little, but I did not know if Kate would ever call.
But before Luke answered, a new number interrupted us, and my heart almost stopped. I think I forgot to breathe for a moment. "Hello?"
"Is this Hayzen?"
"Yes, ma'am," I stated, and then there was a bit of an argument in the background. Then...
"Hello, Hayzen," it was Kate's mother. I was scared for the first time. I became so nervous, and Luke was seeing my reactions all through this. "Kate is in the hospital."
"What? Where? Where is she, ma'am?"
"We don't need you here. We just wanted you to know it seems the child is coming out earlier than expected, contractions."
"Wait, ma'am, I'm coming. The child is mine, how would you deprive me of this? You should tell me."
"Hayzen, I don't think the child and Kate need you. I have already sent a school order on you, and if you wish to petition, then you should know who you are dealing with."
"Okay, can you at least give me a heads-up?"
"I just felt it's right for you to know. The child will be safest with us. Goodbye!" And she hung up, and I tried calling over and over again, but nothing. The next thing I knew, Luke was holding me, trying to stop me, as I punched the wall as if it were a person. My knuckles bled, and he too was bleeding. I think I also punched him over the whole situation. It was painful. It was painful. I wonder how men who refuse the care of their children really feel. If I am actually being forced out of this, out of the way... And the worst thing was, I knew. I knew her parents were dead serious