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"Severus Ulysses Prince!" a female voice ripped me out of my thoughts. My thoughts were pretty important, but being the big-hearted person that I am, I always take time for my fans and groupies.
I even make time to chat with the Cullens, visit the Pack, and keep in contact with everyone. Well, I try. But let's be honest, people suck way too much! I mean, you meet someone cool and nice, but we all expect them to suck, and when they don't, we're surprised instead of relieved.
"Bones, what can I do for you?" I asked the woman who had clearly fallen in love with me. But who can judge her? I'm pretty lovable.
"You do know that you're thinking aloud, right?" Amelia Bones asked, shocked at my monologue.
"Well, I thought I might as well allow you access to my internal greatness," I replied.
"Sev, sometimes you are just way too strange," she said, shaking her head.
"Sometimes?" Regina asked sarcastically.
"He's strange most of the time," came a chipper reply from Willow.
"Ladies, what's up?" I asked them.
"Actually, Regina wanted to invite you on a date during the Hogsmeade weekend, but A..." Willow started to say with a mischievous smile.
"But nothing!" Amelia said, throwing a glaring glance.
"Oh, I smell drama! Delicious drama! Come on, Willow, spill it!" I said with a taunting smile.
"Willow, I think you need some more tender care!" Regina said with narrowed eyes.
"Sev, do something! They're ganging up on me," Willow said desperately.
"Hey, ladies, please leave Willow alone! I already know you all have fallen for me," I said, amused.
"HOW?!" they all asked in unison.
"Well, I am lovable, bitches!" I replied, raising an eyebrow.
"That's it. I will kill him," Regina said with crimson cheeks. I assumed this was an insane level of blushing and that she was about to blow up on me.
But just at that moment, I was saved by the owl I once bribed with snacks and pats.
"Oh, it's Gerold," Willow said, surprising me that the bird monstrosity had a name. Who gave him a name, and how did Willow know the bird's name? What is going on in this castle when I'm not there to observe everyone? I should try to come up with something like that stalker-kage's glowing ball.
Do my minions have lives when I am not around?
"I believe he's thinking something rude," Regina said, giving me a very annoyed look.
"Does he ever think something that isn't rude to at least one person?" Amelia asked, raising an eyebrow.
*Tsk*
'Neo feminists!' I thought. They want to be treated like sluts but act so holy about it instead of just embracing the dirty hoes they know they are.
I grabbed the letter from the annoying owl and dashed away. This called for a change of setting!
'Author, do your magic!' I mentally commanded the low-budget dwarf writing about my grandness.
Sitting at my desk in my dimly lit room—how else could my room be when it's inside a goddamn dungeon—the flickering candle cast shadows across my face as I meticulously pored over the letter I received this morning.
Well, the last part was me being dramatic, but I've always liked candles, and I don't just mean the light, if you get what I mean. Hot wax on a woman's body is so damn sexy, mainly for the pain it causes. But I am a sadist, so sue me.
[A/N: You will probably get kinky sex scenes, and they won't be everyone's cup of tea!]
The letter was an invitation to Gringotts by the fugly goblins. They'd sent it to my gramps, and the old man forwarded it to me.
"Haha, seems the little fuckheads finally realized who is screwing them over!" I said, amused at their despair.
[Timeskip]
When my Hogsmeade weekend arrived, I decided to visit the goblins. Instead of enjoying a nice time with three beauties, I was forced to hang out with smelly dudes who looked like mutants.
Seriously, why are their noses so fugly? How are they fat and small at the same time, with fingers so thin and long? These little shits are an anatomical nightmare for any doctor.
Finally, a knock at the door interrupted my concentration, freeing me from sinking further into the nightmare that is the goblins. Just a bit more, and I'd have decided to dissect one of them to see if they're anatomically the same as a human.
The door opened, and I found myself face-to-face with a goblin. What a surprise. I was inside Gringotts, waiting in a waiting room, and they had the sheer audacity to make me wait! The goblin bowed respectfully and told me that their eminences were awaiting me.
"Interesting," I muttered to myself. It seemed like there was more than one person awaiting me, based on the goblin's use of the plural. Or maybe he was just an idiot.
One can never be too sure about people not simply being idiots. See, idiots have used evolution in a somewhat similar way to chameleons. But unlike chameleons, they didn't go for the cool skin color-changing skill. Instead, they went for the much more mundane yet useful skill of pretending not to be an idiot despite being a certified one.
Most politicians are masters at pretending they're not idiots, and the rich figured out since Nixon that idiots who are good at speaking and pretending are quite useful. Thus began the glorious age of Idiocracy.
On a side note, I should probably get invested in Muggle politics. Ruling the sheep and taking their tax money is much faster than just selling them drugs. I mused, completely forgetting the fugly goblin.
*Cough*
"Oh yes, lead the way, Fugly!" I commanded.
"Sir, my name is not Fugly," the goblin said, annoyed and disgusted.
"Did I give you the impression that I care about what your name is? If I did, I'm sorry—I don't give a fuck about your name. If your king didn't write and sign the letter himself, I wouldn't even be here to begin with, Fugly! So, lead the way, or I will make sure your life becomes hell!" I said to the audacious fucker. If even their servants had the gall to talk back, then their king would probably try to play hardball with me.
Arriving inside a grand hall completely made of black marble, I made my way through the imposing space.
'Which son of a bitch designs a room like this?' I thought, annoyed.
The hall was carved out of a cave, and the most irritating part was that I had to walk from one end to the other. At the far end, on a pedestal, three fugly smurfs were seated, looking down on me. The whole setup was designed to make the visitor feel small and insignificant. It was an insult!
The sound of my steps echoed off the walls as a stern-faced goblin approached me from below the podium, looking at me with a mixture of disdain and curiosity.
"Severus Snape," the goblin said. Well, I assumed he was asking for a beating, but I was unsure. Maybe he could still save himself. His voice, dripping with contempt, continued, "To what do we owe this unexpected visit?"
"That's it!" I say through gritted teeth. I lift the goblin into the air with my magic, choking him as his body slowly flies closer to me.
"Listen, maggots. First of all, my name is Severus Prince. Second, I received your letter, but you maggots decided to invite me here to humiliate me. The final straw that is breaking the centaur's back is your continued attitude towards me! I won't tolerate that. One more mistake on your part, and I will have all your heads," I reply coldly. I wave my hand, elevating the ground beneath my feet, breaking the marble into pieces, and creating a massive, imposing throne overlooking these maggots.
I take a seat opposite the goblins in my Game of Thrones-inspired throne. Why that fugly ass throne, one may ask? It's pretty simple: goblins still use cold weapons, and showing them that their warriors' weapons are merely good enough to be my seat is an insult. "I'm curious to know why you've summoned me here, goblins," I ask with unhidden disgust and contempt in my voice.
"Can you please release my servant?" one of the goblins finally speaks up before the choking goblin dies.
"Take it as a sign of my remaining goodwill," I say, waving my hand to release the goblin, who is then planted to the ground as the earth transforms like malleable clay to grip onto him.
These little shits wanted to give me a display of power, and now I will have to teach them what a true display of power is.
The king—assuming he is one, because who else wears a crown? Well, drag queens do, and women wear something called a tiara sometimes, but he is too ugly to be a drag queen, and I don't know how female goblins look. Maybe he is a she, or at least identifies as one. Anyway, he leaned back into his throne, steepling his fingers as he started observing me with a calculating gaze. "Ah, yes. You see, Mr. Prince, we have become aware of certain... activities that have caught our attention."
'Haha, activities, he says! Moron, I am dismantling society at large. You imbecile, at least have the decency to call it undertakings, idiot.'
But instead of voicing my inner thoughts, I simply raise an eyebrow, feigning innocence. "And what activities might those be?"
The goblin's lip curled into a sneer. "Your attempts to exploit a certain loophole in our contracts, for one," he snapped. "You think you're clever, don't you? But let me assure you, Mr. Prince, we goblins do not take kindly to those who seek to undermine our authority."
I chuckled darkly, leaning forward in my own throne. "You imbeciles overestimate your cards and seem to have a misconception, my dear King," I reply, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "I have no intention of exploiting any loopholes. I am simply exercising my rights as an individual. Your idiotic ancestors outplayed themselves, thinking they were smarter than anyone else! You have fucked over Wixen kind for millennia, but the moment you realize that someone can fuck you over, you cry wolf!"
The goblin's eyes narrowed, anger and suspicion flickering in their depths. "Is that so?" he growled. "Then I think you will find we have very convincing arguments to ensure people like you stay out of matters that do not concern them!"
"Haha, I believe you have never had the pleasure of experiencing someone like me!" I reply, noticing him using his nail to scratch his throne.
'Well, this seems to be some kind of signal!' I think, amused, as I feel wards being activated. The massive gate to the hall opens, and soldiers flood in.
Armed with crossbows, swords, and other pointy implements, their equipment appears to be worth a fortune. Every centimeter of their gear is adorned with runes, and I haven't seen so much goblin silver in one place.
'Yeah, I will rob this place!' I think with a smirk, leaning back in my throne, a smirk playing at the corners of my lips. "My dear King, I am not interested in playing your little games," I reply smoothly, unbothered by the hundreds of goblins. "I will give you some advice, though: the sooner you accept that I am going to fleece you all, the sooner you'll come to terms with it. I have my own way of doing things, and believe me when I say you do not want to go through with the shitty idea you have in your small mind."
The goblin's face darkened with anger, his claws flexing against the armrest of his chair. "You dare to defy me?" he snarled.
I met the goblin's gaze with steely resolve. "Yes, I believe I dare," I say simply.
For a moment, there was silence between us, tension thick in the air. Then, the bank manager's expression softened, his anger giving way to a wicked grin.
"Kill him," he said slowly, his voice tinged with pure glee.
I inclined my head in acknowledgment. "So be it," I agreed. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one. If these goblins want to experience my Dao of Violence, I shall oblige. "You have brought this upon yourselves."
I transformed into my full werewolf form, unleashing my full magic. This time, I would kill—no need to play nice with these greedy sacks of shit.
'Mhh, I do wonder if this is racism. These goblins are indeed another race, and I hate them. Well, something to think about at a later date!'
I also donned my new Cloak of Invisibility, and all they saw was a giant wolf one moment, and the next, only a blur. The wolf vanished, but they could still hear the sounds of ripping flesh, breaking bones, agony, and despair!
I couldn't rip open the little tin cans they called armor, but I could grab the goblins and throw them around. Those without armor, however, I could tear into tiny pieces.
I often wonder how the Potters, Gaunts, and the rest of these magical people are so stupid. This cloak, for example, was worn by its original owner to hide from Death until he opted to leave it behind and die in peace.
The cloak can make one invisible at a command; one simply has to will it. And this isn't even the end of it! It can become bigger or smaller depending on choice. It hides everything—smell, sight, sound. I do wonder how Potter can be such an idiot to give this away, but so is life.
Some people simply cannot value the things they have and never try to find out what they are actually worth!
Meanwhile, the goblin king's eyes widened in understanding as he watched his elite guards fall, one after the other. I knew I had struck a chord.
"Enough!" he commanded, but I couldn't care less. You don't get to dictate anything—you wanted this, and now we're both going to see this bullshit through.
'Goblin blood smells disgusting and tastes even worse,' I thought, disgusted as I bit and clawed at them. I was a literal meat grinder.
When I was finally done, I pulled out the Elder Wand and started collecting the gear from these poor fucks, giving absolutely no fucks about their wincing in agony as I pulled pieces of their bodies. If it didn't budge, I simply took the limb it was attached to along with it.
Sure, I needed to clean all this shit, but it was mine now. Then, I used my map to find the treasury and looted that place too. Next, I started robbing all the people I knew had a hard-on for Moldy. I mean, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, and when amongst greedy little shits, be one too.
"We cannot do that! This is against all the agreements we have in place!" I remember the king pleading. Yeah, the idiot tried to stop me from stealing from the Deathwankers' vaults.
But having a map shows its worth in these kinds of situations; I knew where I was and how to get to certain places. And with a shitty guide like this king, I needed the map quite often because the sucker wanted to lead me into trap after trap. I decided to pull out one of his teeth for each attempt. Honestly, I was impressed by the little shit—it took him eight teeth to give up his idiotic decision-making. Other people would have budged just at the mere threat.
With most of his guards out of commission, I had this wannabe king by the balls, and this gave me access to pretty much any location.
"What am I going to do if this gets out?!" he pleaded.
"When this gets out! You can't hide that I took so much crap!" I replied, amused. "Well, you can say that you've been sacked, but that has nothing to do with me."
"Also, if you decide to snitch that it was me who stole all their shit, I'll tell them how I'm screwing you guys over! Then it won't just be me profiting off you all, but the whole Wizarding kind," I said with a savage grin. "So, be a man and shoulder the bill. Okay?"
"Okay," he replied.
"Hey, don't look so down! Be positive! It will take me centuries to bankrupt you guys, and until then, you'll have enough time to come up with a better idea to get funds," I said to the man who looked as if he were contemplating suicide.
See, I love violence just as much as the next person, but I hate it when people give up, no matter who it is.
The goblins have footholds in Europe, Asia, and the USA, but in the rest of the world, people aren't dumb enough to give their money to money-hungry little shits that smell out of their mouths like raw meat.
I am not kidding; these bastards eat raw meat, and they love it when the meat is still alive. How messed up is that? Just think about it: any living being getting eaten alive is well beyond messed up.
With a nod of farewell while waving, I left the goblins gobsmacked behind me as I made my way back to Hogwarts. This has been quite a productive day, I must confess.
"It's kinda sad that I can only get to sack one of these fuckers' homes and not all of them," I thought, annoyed because I needed to find out where their homes aka underground castles were first. Well, I could run around all over the globe and eventually find the place, but that would take too much work.
Anyway, after killing 5,000 goblins, beating up one rude monarch, and taking reparations for my emotional distress and wasted time, I am now about 20 million Galleons richer, and done for the day. I also have a few more interesting toys to play around with.
"Puh this nearly made me work up a sweat. These dark families sure do have some interesting toys in their possession." I say amused to myself.
As I exited the building, I couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction. I may not have won the goblins' trust—well, that was impossible to begin with because the little shits are untrustworthy themselves—but at least I had planted the seeds of fear in their minds. And in this world, being feared is a far more potent weapon than any curse or hex.
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Hello my dear Muggelonis,
The big bad wolf greets ya mortals, and I demand attention!
I wanna get stoned, so gimme them Power Stones because I want to transform (Fun fact there is an old Anime named Power Stones.)!
Finally, if you're inclined to support my caffeine addiction, please consider lending a dollar!
You can help me by becoming my patr0n on:
- https://patre 0n.com/ikaru5
- It is only 3 Euros!!! Oh, and you get to read my other Story for free.
- Finally, I am now 20+ chapters ahead, and more than 40k (Warhammer XD) words ahead. Now, I aim to stay at least that many chapters ahead of webnovel.
- One New Chapter will get released at least once every three days!! (Mainly because I am about to write tests for my Bachelor, and cannot focus on writing.)