I was stuck in the dream again. This time, I am inside the car. I can't seem to pull myself away. I just get sucked in.
Nicole wasn't feeling too good ever since we got into the car. So my mum said we were going to make a stop at a gas station to get some chocolate for Nicole. For some reason, chocolates always helped her.
"Don't make that face, Callie," she said.
"What face? I'm not making any face, " I retort
"You totally were," Nicole answers. I bare my teeth
"I thought you were sick Nikky you're not supposed to be talking,"
"Yes, well, I'm never too sick to tell on you". I don't reply to her comment. I'm too angry. I think my mum sensed this. She used to say stuff about a mum's intuition never being wrong. To date, she has never been wrong.
She reaches over to take my right arm. I clutch the steering wheel with my left hand and release my right hand. My mum turns over my hand, Interlaces our fingers, with mine on top and hers under, she kisses my hand. She stares at me intently, and she does that thing, where it looks like she's talking to me, but I feel like she is talking about another thing entirely
"You've got to be a little more understanding Callie, sometimes, when things upset, you you have to be calm and remember that sometimes people do things to protect you." What she says makes no sense, so I get angry.
"Mom, I what does what you just said have to do with anything. It's my birthday, I was supposed to have a party, but you told Daddy, that we should have a mother daughter day instead, now Nicole is sick, so we have to change our plans."
When I finish talking, I feel guilty. It's not Nikky's fault that she got sick, I was just looking forward to my birthday. We'd always had to celebrate our birthdays together ever since Nicole was born. This year was supposed to be different. My birthday was supposed to be different this year. The more I stew about it, the more my resentment grows.
"I'm so sorry, Callie," Nicole says in a small voice, and like it was never there, my anger melts away.
"It's alright, Nikky, you..." I stop because suddenly, Nicole starts moaning, and not in a good way
"I don't feel so good," she says. "
"Nicole, what's going on?" I ask
"Pull over Callie"
"but mom,"
"Now! Calista, " I startle. My mom had only spoken to me like that once in my life. The memory was hazy, but I remembered that when she spoke using that tone, there was little room for argument. I never got to pull over, though. I wake up instead.
I open my eyes, with the dream so vivid in my mind. It was different this time. Normally, the car flips when my mum is holding my hand. I try not to think about it so much, but I fail. For months, I've been trying not to think about the golden eyes I saw that day. But I can't, everything I close my eyes, they are there, always lurking, always staring.
I pick up my phone and check the time. It's a little past 7 am. I'm stunned. Four hours of sleep? Now that's a record. I start thinking about how my sleep routine has been this past year and how crazy it has been. I mean, technically, based on how inconsistent it has been, I should have dropped dead from exhaustion long ago, Maybe I'm super human or something. I laugh ruefully,
"That's just crazy," I say out loud to myself. My mind still doesn't settle, so I decide to run. Meditation might have been a great option for another person, but I hate how much it makes my mind quiet.
I change into my running gear, and as I pick up my phone to select a song, I notice the date. It's my birthday, and today officially marks the first anniversary of my Moms death.
My mind goes blank. Noise fades into the background, and all of a sudden, I feel like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight, like I'm having a heart attack. It feels like i am dying. My eyes water, and I don't know if it's a reaction to what is happening to me or a result of my emotions. I fall to the floor, bring my legs up to my chest, rest my head atop my knees, and I start taking deep breaths.
One breath in.
One breath out.
I repeat this over and over for what feels like forever. But I know it's only been a few minutes. My eyes are wet, but I refuse to acknowledge that it's tears. " It's just a reaction to the panic attack." I say out loud, and I instantly feel stupid. I'm in my room, recovering from a panic attack, on a day I've avoided thinking about for months. On a whim, I pick up my phone and call Neela.
"What is it?" She complaines when she picks up.
"Callie, I love you, but it's three in the morning,"
"Neela, it's 7" There is a rustling sound before Neela answers
"Yeah, well, it's 5 am. somewhere," she replies a little grouchy. "Seriously though, why are you calling?"
"I wanted to ask if there was any way I could get a shift today, I really don't feel like staying home. I don't need to be paid or anything. "
"You get a day off, and you don't want to spend your time doing anything else, but you just want to go right back to work and not get paid? She asks
I force a chuckle, "Yeah, pretty much."
"Okay, I will talk to Kat and see what I can do. Give me twenty minutes. "
She ends the call. I'm pretty sure Kat, our manager, will agree. If there is anything I'm sure business owners or supervisors like, it's unpaid labour. In less than 5 minutes, Neela calls me back.
"Kat gave the go-ahead. You can come to work today."
"Sweet, thank you so much, Neela. I guess I'll see you at work?"
"Yeah, you will. Also, you know if you want to talk, I'm here, right?
"Yeah, I know that
"Alright, just making sure,"
"See you later, Neela."
I take a breath, change from my running clothes into plain jeans and a hoodie, and leave my house for work.
I start regretting my decision to walk to work almost 10 minutes in. My workplace is a 35-minute walk from my house. I feel uncomfortable, and I can't shake the feeling that someone is watching me. I look around, but it's drizzling, which it makes it hard to see. I pull up my hoodie and start walking in earnest
5 hours later, and I'm thinking I made the wrong decision coming in today. It's a Saturday, so work is a little slow. I mean, it's always slow, but it's usually a lot better during weekdays. At least we get some customers then. Since I came in, we've had a total of five people come in here, but only three of them actually got something. The other two just asked for directions to the dawn sky Cafe. That is the popular cafe that everyone knows and loves.
Neela breezes in like she owns the building
"Hello everyone, was I missed?" Her good mood is infectious, I smile a little
"Good morning Callie, good morning Stacy," she walks over to the coffee machine, "and good morning to you, sir, coffee making machine."
"Morning Neela," Stacy says from behind me. Neela replies in a British accent
"Charmed, miss Stacy," she says, executing a perfect bow to Stacy.
"Neela, I think it's men who bow"
"Girl, I can do what I want." She says, sauntering towards the changing cabinet.
I look at Neela and decide to not be mopey today, but i know thats only possible if i keep busy so start to pray for more people to come into the Cafe when all of a sudden I hear noise, I look towards the entrance, a big group of people enter the coffee shop and I soon lose myself to the rhythm of taking orders.
A tiring two hours of working and an empty cafe later, I'm feeling really good about myself when Neela shouts
"Oh my goodness, Callie!" I turn to look at her. She points at me in an accusatory manner
"It's your birthday today!".