I was looking at a photograph that I took with my friends. This was a photo of four of us, Kris, Nana, Mina, and I - Juno. I had this printed and framed, sitting on my study desk at home. I would look at it sometimes and feel energized, nostalgic, sad, happy, and all sorts of mixed feelings. But one thing that I always feel is that those were the times that won't come back to us again as we grow older, and I'm glad I got to spend those days with them.
Kris and Nana, the twins, were my childhood friends and Mina was… well, a girl that I used to like, and also – a girl that used to like me.
However, we never got together. Although in a way we did confess to each other and got to learn that our feelings were mutual.
Mina was a girl that I liked for a long time. I met her in a regional music competition in my final year of elementary school. It was quite important for me – and my mom – that I did well there. My entry into a specialized music school was at stake. I had to rank in the top 3 to enter the best music school in the country.
I was really good though and neither I nor any of my family were worried or even thought that there was a chance that I might fail. I was that good – at violin that is.
But I failed.
Not because my performance was lacking.
It wasn't because I made any major mistake.
Well, you could say I made a mistake, which was that I did not turn up to perform when my turn came to go on stage.
Long story short, that's where I met Mina.
She wasn't feeling well, physically, before her performance and needed help. My turn was coming up shortly but I couldn't leave her alone like that, so I carried her outside so she could get some fresh air. The result was that I missed my turn and failed, and she recovered well enough to perform at her turn later and come in second place.
That little incident changed my life, for a few years at least.
My mom was extremely mad. Failing on stage is one thing, but not turning up is another.
I tried to explain I was trying to help someone, but that didn't fly.
What about others? Her? My dad? Family and relatives? Who were all looking forward to what felt like a guaranteed successful career in music for me?
"You go and help a random girl and disappoint your mother?"
That's what she said.
I haven't touched the violin since. At least until I picked it up again a few years later to perform in a school talent show, which brought me back on track to make me attend the music school I was studying at now.
But for a long time, I resented my mother and felt disillusioned.
Sure, I loved music and I loved playing violin.
I thought I was good too and had a good future in it. I often imagined performing on the big stage and bowing to the audience that gave me a standing ovation. A little boy's daydream, so to say.
But-
Could I have called myself a musician or an artist if I did not help someone in dire need that I could?
That's what came to my young idealistic mind when I decided to help Mina before my turn.
It just felt wrong.
It just felt wrong to turn a blind eye to a fainting girl so that I could go onto the stage and give a performance, leaving my heart and soul behind. What kind of performance would that be?
Maybe I was naïve.
Maybe there were better ways to handle the situation than I did on that day.
And there was some truth in that I let other people down for the sake of helping that girl – Mina.
But I never regretted it. Instead, I resented people who did not understand why I did what I did.
It brought regretful results but I did not regret the action itself.
And for a long time, since I gave up music, I just went to a normal middle school and studied and played like everyone else. I had a lot of fun with Kris and Nana. Kris was exceptionally good at football and we did a lot of kickabout. Nana was no worse in football than me for being a girl either. She was never the one to fold to such preconceptions.
Whenever I looked back to that day of my encounter with Mina, I always remembered a very faint but definite flowery sweet scent of her as I carried her out of the venue.
It probably was just her shampoo.
Maybe it was all because this girl used a too-nice shampoo that I ended up taking a big detour on my career path.
But it was also because of this very girl that I got back on track.
Life really works in funny ways, but I'm glad that I got to live through that with these three friends smiling back at me now from the photograph.