My hands were trembling in excitement, but I also brought them to my face for a double facepalm, followed by a fist pump in the air, then rough pulling out of my hair in regret.
I, Kris, a high school boy, have just been signed by a web novel publishing platform called NovWeb.
Although I was aware that there were hundreds of thousands of work that were already signed and serialized on that website, this was my first contract ever, so it meant a lot to me and that's all that mattered.
However, I was also filled with regret because two reasons prevented me from sharing this joyous news with anyone I know, especially not the people that I'm actually close to.
The biggest problem was that… I made an account on that site purely as a reader when I first stumbled upon it. I never thought that I would someday become a writer who posts his own creations there, so I just went with a name that reflected my favorite genre.
The start of the email I received today told the whole story of what went wrong.
"Dear YaoiLurv,
Congratulations! The contract for your story
[I am in love with my childhood friend] (BL)
has been finalized"
…
Just what the hell was I thinking?!!!
Truth be told, that story was more like a fantasy I personally wished I could live out. But I knew that it could never happen for I was actually in love with my childhood friend.
Me and my twin sister Nana have been pretty close since we were young. Although many brothers and sisters fight with each other daily, we get along very well. And our mutual friend, Juno, was probably the best friend for both her and myself.
We did a lot of stupid and funny things together growing up. We have been friends since elementary school and did what kids do. Exploring some random areas, playing football, dodgeball, whacking each other with sticks for absolutely no reasons, practical jokes, pranks… we did them all, and none of us ever got so mad that it hurt our friendship.
However, as I grew I became increasingly more aware that what I was feeling was something a little different.
I was a bro for both my sister and my best friend, yet at some point fell in love with Juno, a boy.
It was a cruel fate. If I was somewhere where nobody knew me, I think I would have enough courage to come out as who I am. And if Juno wasn't my childhood friend, I could probably still muster up the courage to confess even if I knew I would be rejected. But as a boy, actually being in love with your best bro since childhood wasn't an easy thing to do. Not at all.
There was so much at stake. I knew Juno was definitely not gay. But he's an open-minded guy and a good enough friend for me that I think even if he gets irked a bit in the beginning, we'd be cool again. I knew for sure he would be completely fine with me being gay. But the part that I am in love with him really complicated things. Also, there was a small fact that playing football in my school team was a big part of my life. Maybe my true friends will accept me as I am, but if any of my teammates found out I don't think I could ever live it down.
My sister has actually gotten a girlfriend now and they seem to be cool and don't mind it being known at their school (although our parents don't know yet), and I envy them for it. This was something I simply couldn't afford to do.
So there I was. Stuck with the pen name YaoiLurv writing about a gay boy who's in love with his childhood friend.
There was no freaking way I could let this fact get out of the closet, definitely not to my sister Nana and most definitely not to Juno.
Hence although I was over the moon to be signed by NovWeb, the biggest web novel platform in the world, it saddened me greatly that this was something I had to keep secret from anyone and everyone that was close to me.
Writing and posting on NovWeb was a way for me to live out my fantasy and liberate myself from the impossible situation I was stuck with in real life. Sometimes it was almost like a diary that if either Nana or Juno stumbled across it, I was sure they'd find out it was me who wrote it. The only comforting fact was that neither of them would have a slighted interest in reading web novels. It was just not their thing.
:Sigh…:
Maybe someday… maybe someday I could say what I have been meaning to say to those that I hold most dear in my heart…
But I guess for now I must just keep my head down and focus on writing.