Riley
Night had fallen and we were all gathered around the fire, eating some fish that Aaron and Natalie had caught in the river. We ate in silence as I tried to gather the courage to tell them what had happened to Dani. The only thing that scared me out of all of this was Ethan seeing how low I have sunken since our parting.
"About Dani," I started, "She was just a normal girl like any other. When we first met at one of her events, we talked and got to know each other. I found out she liked to game , so I invited her over. I hit on her like I usually did with other girls, but she wasn't interested. I found out a couple days after we first met that she was dating another girl from her group."
Aaron gasped in surprise, "You mean, she was…"
"She never told me this." Natalie said. "Who was it?"
"It was Nikki," I replied, "But it didn't last long. Nikki found a boyfriend soon after she and Dani started dating. Nikki broke it off with Dani and left her devastated. Dani fell hard for her, but Nikki didn't seem to take the relationship seriously. Poor Dani didn't know how to cope with the breakup and she just went on a downward spiral since."
"So that show where she performed drunk," Aaron said, " It was because of that?"
I nodded in agreement. "She was heartbroken and didn't know what else to do."
As I recalled our last hangout session, the memory of it makes me sick to my stomach. But Ethan was right. Jonathan needs to know what happened to Dani. He needs to know how she was the last time I personally saw her. It was there that she was brought to her tipping point, where something inside her snapped.
It was exactly eleven days ago. She and I were on the couch watching celebrity news about her drunken performance on live television. There were so many fans that had voiced their disapproval over her behavior and some showing their support, encouraging her to not give up. But online, was a different story. Online, she had received some truly hurtful comments and messages. The agency she was working under had let her go and many of her fellow bandmates had decided to shun her.
"This is bad, Dani." I remember telling her.
"Strangers always talk shit about me everyday," she replied, "And I can't run to the one person who was always there for me." She laughed through her tears trying to hide how seriously hurt she was. "Honestly, what did I see in that bitch?" She asked bitterly.
I just looked at her, I didn't know what to say. Just days before this, she was so happy, and filled with a blinding radiance of that joy. But now, her sadness had reminded me of who I left behind all those years ago. It made me wonder if this was what Ethan had gone through when I left.
Dani had been drinking sometime before she arrived at my loft. It became worrisome when she had opened can after can of beer and she was slurring her words and stumbling all over the apartment and then asked me the one question that should have been a warning of things to come.
"Riley," she tearfully called out to me. "Have you ever wanted to die?"
The question scared me and made me wonder what was going on in that head of hers. "Hey now, you shouldn't be thinking about such things. Especially with all the alcohol you've had today."
"Relax," she said, "I'm just kidding."
"You shouldn't be kidding about that," I scolded her. "That's not something to joke around with."
"Look," she said, "I'm just asking you if you have or haven't though."
"I haven't." An obvious lie. Truth be told after leaving Ethan, I thought about dying everyday without him.
"Of course," Dani said, "But then again, you're always de-stressing yourself with sex everyday. What troubles could ever bother you?"
She knew damn well what my troubles were. I grew more concerned with this conversation. "Dani, be honest with me. Are you really alright?"
She didn't look at me after I asked the question. She just stood up and turned her back to me and laughed. "What, did you think I was serious with this? I haven't either. To be honest, I'm too scared to even go there."
I breathed a sigh of relief believing this was over, "That's good to know."
"But," she said as I was about to go to the kitchen for some wine. She turned and looked me in the eye and said, pointing right under her chin. "If I had a button right here that would let me die if pushed, I'd push it right now."
That moment, I was afraid for Dani. She was my best friend and here she was talking about wanting to die. Nikki did a real number on her and my thoughts kept coming back to how I left Ethan. Did this happen to him? Did these same thoughts plague his mind? I couldn't bear to think about it.
Dani just laughed it off and said, "Relax would you. Seriously, I'm fine."
Her words brought me no comfort. She was a completely normal girl who felt loneliness, pain, sadness, and was impulsive like any other. After that, I didn't see her for a couple days and then I saw I had missed calls from her when I woke up. Fifteen missed calls from her, and a text message.
Sorry. Bye. was all it said. I didn't fully grasp her message until the next morning when she was found dead. By then, it was too late.
As I told the story to the others, they were in disbelief. I think they were expecting some other outcome.
"That's all there is," I said as I wrapped up the story, "I don't know if my story does any good about shedding light on the matter."
We sat in silence for a few moments until Ethan asked the one question I didn't want him to ask.
"I need to ask," he said, "If she called you so many times, why didn't you answer?"
"You want to know why?" I replied. "I was busy fucking some chick I met at a party and didn't notice until we finished." As I said it, the familiar feeling of knowing I'm nothing but human garbage returned and I felt nothing but shame and disgust at what kind of person I was. What kind of person I am, I should say. Although our reasons were different, I would've joined Dani in pressing that death button she mentioned long ago. "Life seriously isn't worth shit if even wealthy and successful people have plenty of fucked up issues going on. With the world ending, it just means I get my happy ending." I couldn't bear to see anyone's faces right now, but I knew Ethan was looking at me with those sympathetic eyes. I don't deserve his sympathy, or his forgiveness. I don't even deserve to live.
We all sat in silence for a few moments until Aaron broke it. "Shut the fuck up." he said. "We have four days left to live our lives. Natalie doesn't deserve this fate. She needs time to mourn her sister."
"Aaron," Ethan called, "What are you doing?"
Aaron was standing up, putting his hands in the air as if he were lifting something in the air. "GO AWAY, YOU STUPID METEOR!!! BLOW UP OUT IN SPACE!!!"
"What was that?" asked Ethan.
"I know it sounds and looks stupid," Aaron said, "But what do we have to lose? If we send out our thoughts and energy out there, maybe our wish will come true. C'mon guys."
Natalie stood up and positioned herself next to Aaron and together they screamed that mantra towards the meteor.
"You're waiting for a miracle that won't happen." I said to them, My voice sounded like that of a defeated man.
"Don't be such a downer, asshole." Aaron said to me. I looked up and saw how determined Aaron was to get us to join this little ritual he cooked up. "The word miracle exists because it might happen. There are no guarantees in life, we have to do our best and hope it will turn out alright. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and let's hope this works."
As much as I hated to admit it, the brat made sense. Ethan and Natalie joined him and screamed at the top of their lungs towards the meteor shouting for it to go away or blow up in space. I didn't join in on this nonsense. But by being the odd man out it made me ask myself, what was better? Dying believing in a miracle, or dying believing in nothing at all. I looked up at the night sky and was amazed at its beauty as it continued to twinkle quietly and dreadfully on.