Ethan
Hearing his voice again brought so many bad memories of my childhood. Like Riley, I never wanted to see my father again, let alone hear his voice. The universe clearly has it in for me if it's bringing him back as well.
As far as I can remember, my father never showed any affection or expressed any love for me. Since my mother died while having me, he constantly reminded me that it was my fault she was gone. How could a child live without being crushed by the weight of guilt knowing that their mother died because of them? I'm surprised I lived with that my entire life.
My father would work nights and sleep during the day. Usually he would get drunk and fall asleep every day. He would always hit me whenever he got mad. Most times it was nothing to do with me, only for the fact that I was there and convenient for him to vent out his frustrations. I remember one morning I was pouring myself a bowl of cereal and I couldn't hold on to the jug of milk because it was too heavy. I ended up dropping the jug and spilling the milk everywhere.
"You stupid, little shit," He yelled at me. "You know how much milk costs? Clean that up or you'll be sorry."
Not only was he a single father, but we were also poor. I always made excuses for him since he was my father like I was sure he was struggling in his own way. But he would sometimes tell me things like how he wished I was never born, or how he couldn't wait till I was old enough to leave.
When I had turned seven, I made it an art of always being unavailable for him to abuse. I would put myself to bed when he got up, and made sure I was dressed and ready for school before he got home. There would be some nights where I wasn't able to avoid him so I just took whatever he gave.
My adolescent years were no picnic either. Many of my classmates would talk about getting girlfriends or thinking about sex. Some guys would be looking at porn magazines and they were getting into it. Not me though. I was never interested in that. I never suspected I was gay until one session during sex ed, where they talked about gay and lesbian relationships. Of course, being in a conservative state, anything having to do with gays was faced with ridicule. At least when it came to Male-Male relationships. Female-Female relationships people were saying things like "That's hot" or "Awesome". With males it was "Gross" or "Disgusting".
My first gym class after that session made me realize that I liked other boys. I never noticed other boys until I saw them naked in the shower. Before sex ed, I minded my own business, and never looked around in the gym. But after, I saw their bodies and I was fascinated with them. Of course, I made sure I wasn't staring so I would always pretend that I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings.
I wanted to see more but not get into trouble. So one day while I was walking home, I stopped by this convenience store to pick up some snacks and a soda. While I was passing by, I saw some porn magazines and noticed one was for gay guys. I looked over at the clerk and he was busy flirting with this girl. I took the porn magazine and hid it under my shirt and left after I got my soda and snacks.
During high school I started developing crushes, but I was too afraid to say anything. I just laid low and kept to myself. No one bothered me and I was practically invisible. It was better than standing out and everyone knowing you're gay. This one guy in my class was out and everyone made his life hell. That reason alone was enough for me to stay in the closet.
One day I came home and my father was awake and waiting for me. I was heading to my room when he just asked out of nowhere, "So, you're gay?"
I froze right then and there. I didn't know how to respond. He hit me with an object in his right hand and threw it at me. I saw what it was. It was my porn. He found the magazine in my room. I had a secret hiding spot in my room and only if you were snooping around would you find it, which proves my father was looking for something and found this instead.
"I can explain." I said.
"You're a fucking queer," He said. "Even though you're some disgusting faggot, I'm jealous of you."
"Jealous?" I asked. "How?"
"Two men can't have kids." He said with such disdain. "I better not catch you and your queer friends doin that shit here. Understand me?"
Tears were forming in my eyes and all I could say was, "Yes sir."
That was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. I studied my ass off, like my life depended on it. I wanted out of this house, and fast. After two years, my hard work paid off. I passed my exams, got accepted to many colleges, even some scholarships. Once I graduated, I packed up as much as I could and booked a bus ticket to Dallas. My first choice college was there and I was able to make it with the financial aid I got.
When I left my father ranted on how much money he wasted on me and how ungrateful I was. Just to shut him up, I would send him money left over from my financial aid. Sadly some of it was student loans. Riley had told me once that the interest alone would be expensive.
After our breakup, I changed my number and cut all ties with my father. I haven't heard from him since I left home. That is until today.
"How did you get my number?" I asked.
"I've had your number for several years, kid." he said.
"Seriously," I replied, "I cut ties with you, meaning I want nothing to do with you." My body is shaking and I'm hyperventilating. I can't take this much longer.
"I know you hate me," He said. "And I have no reason to ask anything from you. I just wanted to hear your voice before I die."
That sentence threw me over the edge. I couldn't hold back my emotions. "Are you kidding me with this?! You had me for eighteen years and not once did you care about me. Now that we're going to die, you want to reconnect?"
"I'm going to die before that damn rock will hit." He said. "I know you won't believe me, and I know it's probably too late." I could hear he was crying. "But I am sorry for everything, son. I've been wanting to tell you this for years, but I couldn't. I know what I have done and I don't blame you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I am truly sorry, kid."
The tears in his voice are unbearable. How dare he do this to me. While I lived there, I was a burden to him. Now he's giving me a sob story about how he realized he was a shitty father. "What do you want from me?" I ask with burning hot anger. I could feel my body starting to crumble as my rage overflowed.
"Nothing kid," he answered. "But if I could see you one last time, I'd like that. I know I have no right to ask and I'll understand if you don't want…"
The phone cut off and I saw that cell service had finally failed. Good. I didn't want to listen to him anymore. I barely noticed that I was being held. Riley had his arms around me, holding me close to him.
"Was that your father?" He asked me.
I couldn't say any words after that grueling phone call. I nodded.
"What did he want?"
I took a deep breath and slowly regained my composure. "He wanted to see me and he said he was sorry." I couldn't stop crying. "He said he was dying. Good riddance. Let him die."
"Where does he live?" Riley asked.
"Why," I asked, "I don't want to go."
"But he's your dad," Aaron said. "You should go see him."
"WHY SHOULD I?" I couldn't hold it in anymore. "Why should I care about him? He didn't care about me. Why should I go see him?"
"Because that is who you are, Ethan." said Riley. "You are kind hearted and you were always the better person."
I laughed at the statement. "I'm not him anymore Riley. Not since you…"
"STOP KIDDING YOURSELF!!!" Riley snapped back. "I get you're angry and you have every reason to be. At me, at your dad, at the whole goddamn world. But you suffered through that and were still kind. And if you think I'm wrong, then ask yourself, why are you helping me take Aaron home?"
Because I care what happens to the kid. Riley was right. I am still kind even if I'm telling myself that I am not. "He lives in Waco. Why do you care?" I asked Riley.
Riley cupped my face and looked me in the eye. "Because, we're both doing what we want with the little time we have left"
Doing what we want? What stake does he have in this? What exactly is he upto? I gave Riley the address and we proceeded to head towards my father's house. After some thought I realized that the only person I truly hated was myself. The coldness of my heart filled me with despair, but Riley was trying to remind me that my heart wasn't dead. I realize now why he was doing what he was doing. He was trying to be my hope, the flame that melted my frozen heart. As much as I didn't want to face him, I had to confront my father.