JULIAN OLIVAREZ
I had a dream.....
I had lost everything I ever had and wanted.
Stuck in a forest of regret,sorrow and misery.
No clear path to be found for me to follow nor was their in light to help me find my way.
Lost in this forest of hopelessness,I sobbed.
Stuck in a limbo...
Feeling but unabale to ravel what's surrounding me.
Unable to feel anything but hopelessness,regret and sorrow.
No matter how much distance I walked,tiredness was never able to make me lose my will to continue. Fear of what's ahead of me wasn't either.
But that feeling of loss....
It beat all the strength out of my legs. I fell down on the ground which is covered in dried leaves and rotten fruit.
I sat on my butt and folded my arms around my knees,and started crying without holding back. I was a menace to Adrien's peaceful life and I hope that without me,he will find someone better.
Someone who will be his peace, because I'm nothing but an empty shell of trauma and trust issues.
I am so selfish for thinking about myself then and now; it's so shameless of me.
I let myself sink in the feeling without shame.
I am the reason why I lost everything in the first place. I am the reason why I am feeling this way; lost. I am to blame for everything that happened to me.
And I deserve to be punished. I deserve this punishment and worse,I am in no position to let myself wail even though that's what I want to do now.
I deserve it worse.....
I deserve it all...
I was now alone and cold,no warmth from another, and I am the reason.
I had foolishly let cowardice blind me and my sense of reason.
I walked out of Adrien's life like it was nothing....
Like he meant nothing at all.....
Adrien deserves better. I don't deserve him and his great uneneding love.
He didn't deserve to be treated the way I had. He deserves to have a better person who will stand with him through thick and thin.
And I was not that person. I left him at the first sight of an opportunity,and didn't even look back.
Even when I got home and suffered through immense pain and longing. Even when I couldn't stop myself from crying all those days or eat anything.
The pain was so overwhelming that I even lost my ability to walk or do anything in general.
I spent many days and nights unable to sleep or stop my eyes from tearing up.
Whenever I looked around my house,it reminded me of my loss. The happy memories of me and Adrien,of us from when he was just a stranger I stumbled upon at his beach. To when I first had him over,when he came and took care of me when I was sick and how he did everything to make sure I was fine and comfortable.
Adrien isn't and has never been selfish; at least when it came to me.
He always put me first before himself,as selfless as that was,I never learned a thing or two from him. I just enjoyed the feeling of being loved and having someone take better care of me that I did myself.
Adrien always put me first,and how did I repay him? I abandoned him when he revealed to meet that he was a mystical creature, a merman at that,the most beautiful creatures of the sea.
I lost the love of my life...
I lost a beautiful part of me,a part that made me feel loved,cared for,wanted and complete.
I lost Adrien....
***********
While seated in the darkness,I hear her voice again.
Xéna.
She has been talking to me whenever my body gave out, advising me to go back to Adrien and apologize. Asking me to second guess my choices and act with rationality.
She even warned me and told me that I could lose my life from all the pain I'd have to endure as a result of the separation.
She advised me to find something with Adrien's scent to help relieve the pain my body had been subjected to. And she was right,when I got one of his shirts and sniffed it,I got better.
Even if it was for a short while,it did help me feel like I at least still had a part of Adrien there,in that room,with me.
"I didn't take you for the stubborn kind but it seems that I under estimated you. You're indeed a stubborn hopeless romantic." Her voice said,breaking through the shield of darkness.
The mere sound of her voice always has me on alert,even though with her always comes a feeling of relief and reassurance. She feels like home; welcoming.
Xéna walked towards me,covered in a bright light like a halo. She walked elegantly, keeping a smile on her face as usual. Never have I seen her without a smile and trust me when I say I don't wish to see her angry. Something tells me I would not like it.
I was wondering how she found a trail that led to me,while I couldn't find any after days of walking around in circles,when I remembered who she was. A literal Goddess, meaning she didn't have to find a way,she could create it herself if she so wished.
"Why do you keep on torturing yourself,dear?" She asked as she sat down next to me.
"I'm scrared, Xéna." I reply,afraid to face her.
I had finally come to terms with myself. I was scared of what came with the deal.
I was scared of the unforeseen circumstances of me dating Adrien. I was already told about fighting a battle I didn't know of. I was then told that not only am I mated to a man,but he's also a merman.
Let's face it; All this is a lot and so damn scary.
Xéna shifted and sat before me,she held my hand in her own delicate ones. I think I saw sadness on her face, though it was gone as soon as it appeared.
"Dear,you have every right to be scared, I would even be worried if you weren't."She squeezed my hand gently. " This is the last time I'm coming to see you here,I hope that you find your way to your mate. You are suffering,but he is getting it worse. So if not for you,please,leave for him." She smiled and then continue.
" This whole thing is not as scary as it seems to you. Once you return to your mate and work things out,he will inform you and teach you how this whole thing works. You still have a lot to learn and more challenging situations will come in your way but no matter what, don't freight. Stick by his side,as I told you before. This war isn't made to be fought by you alone, you're not on your own. You have to learn that,my dear. Stop being a quitter and face the challenges, you are loved by so many people. Right now,all the people who love and cherish you are on the other side waiting for you,they are suffering because you're half dead and unmoving. If you stay here any longer,you will die and it will break many people's hearts,for once,see the love you have. Alya is out there praying to all gods for your return,so is her whole family. Your mother and brother as well, Alekzandá and Azrael are doing the same thing." She was now mad, scolding me for my foolishness.
" Let me ask you a question. What do you think when you hear their names? Love,right? Then why do you make all of them go through so much pain when you know they love you? Why do you think they're praying as hard as they are,for you?" Xéna struck the last nail.
When she worded out the things I didn't want to hear because I was adamant about staying here forever,it stung.
Tears started falling out of my eyes as I thought about all the moments I shared with these people. The times I didn't know love and how they filled the dents in my heart. I thought about Alya,poor woman and her husband must be having it rough. Then I thought about the moments I spent being delved in love and romance with Adrien,or rather Alekzandá.
I couldn't even fathom why all that never occurred to me. Why it never occurred to me that they would be going through a hard time because of my poor decisions.
Adrien made me feel loved,he made me explore lengths of romantic love. He made the seven months we spent together feel greater than the seven years I spent with Issandra.
Alya on the other hand,she loved me as a mother and mentor. She loved me more than my own mother did,she integrated me into her family and I appreciate it. She always protected me and was willing to take care of me. She never was once hesitant whenever it came to my affairs and how did I repay her?
My mother and brother being in the hospital where my body is laying currently,was shocking news to me. I never thought that a day would come when she out her work aside to visit me in a hospital. She had never done it,but my current condition must be worse,if it brought her into the picture. My brother Zius,we have a bittersweet relationship,but I didn't know he would go to such ends for me.
Azrael.....
Azrael and Luciano.....
They must be having it even worse,if Adrien is in harrowing pain,then they must be in the same shoes as is the rest of everyone on my side.
This is a lot,I feel sorry for putting them in so much trouble.
"I am sorry. I am so so sorry,no words can explain how sorry I am." I spoke through my tears. "I am so sorry for not thinking of everyone else,I am sorry for being selfish,I am sorry for breaking so many hearts. I want to go back to them,I don't want anyone to suffer any longer. Please, Xéna,take me back to my love. Please give me another chance."
She pulled me into a hug and held me there,one hand was caressing my head while the other was patting my back. Her embrace felt familiar,it was so similar to Adrien's hugs and felt like Alya's.
"I am so sorry." I kept repeating the words like a broken record. Knowing that I couldn't change anything, what's happened has happened,and there's no going back.
It was my turn to now love these people who loved me back. I had to go back and apologize to all of them. I had to make it up to them,by all means.
I now had a task of improving myself for the better,I had to learn to reciprocate people's feelings and endeavors. I had to be a better person.
"I know you know that you are loved. I love you and so is everyone who is waiting for you on the side. Let this be the last time we meet in this particular limbo." Xéna said.
"Thank you very much Xéna. Thanks a lot,for loving me and guiding me through the dark times. And thank you so much for being patient with me even when I was extremely stubborn." My voice was now shaking from all the crying. I was now hyperventilating,so I pulled back from her hug.
She cupped my cheek with her hand and smiled again,"I hope you know what you've done; and I hope that you won't do it again." Xéna stood up and offered me her right hand. I shoved mine in it and she pulled me up, back onto my feet.
" Let me return you back home, Julian." She asked,I nodded.
Xéna led the way back,with her glowing skin lighting the way for us. I walked hand in hand with her till we reached what looked like a dimensional wall between planes. She tuned back and hugged me one last time and whispered to me; " All shall be well,just learn to trust me, yourself and then everybody else. More is yet to come,and it will be quite overwhelming,so learn to work through the struggles. Remember you're not alone,anymore." I nodded.
" Now go. Go back to where you belong." She pushed me through the wall and I fell through different force fields until my soul was back where it belonged, in my body.
I could feel, I felt the chill from the AC and the hand of someone holding my own. I felt strength sipping back into my limbs, gradually.
Then I tried moving my fingers but to no avail. So I tried to open my eyes and look around but still faced the same, result. So I tried again,I wasn't giving up this time round.
I was finally able to lift my finger,the weight was still there but it was better than nothing at all. So I did it again.
I heard someone gasping and then run out of the room. Then shuffling could be heard as he told the doctors that I lifted my fingers.
It was Adrien's voice,though it sounded coarse and frail,I recognized it.
"Doctor please check on him again." He begged the doctor.
I lifted my fingers again and started fighting my eyelids to open. I think the doctors noticed and started touching me here and there.
My eyes were still closed but I was able to hear everything that was happening in the hospital ward.
"His vitals are now stable,he will be able to wake up from comatose soon. You can all wait outside in the waiting room. We will be moving him out of the ICU into the VIP ward you asked us to prepare for him Mr Morgan." The doctor informed them.
That was when it dawned on me. I was in coma,for how long I don't know. But these people were here, worrying about me and waiting for me to wake up. They were going through so much pain,all of them.
This boosted my will to fight,and when my body finally had enough strength,I opened my eyes.
I was finally able to open them,but was soon forced to shut them and hiss in pain. The room was so bright.
I let myself adjust to the light slowly and opened my eyes again,this time slowly. I was in a room painted with white walls,surrounded by bright light and beeping sound.
I looked around the room and noticed that I was in a vip ward,on life support machines and Alya was sleeping in a couch covering herself with a fleece blanket.
Azrael and Luciano were also laying next to each other in another sofa.
My eyes wandered back to the weight on my side,I saw Adrien's head. He had slept in a small chair by my side while resting his head in the space left beside my legs.
A smile crept up on my face,I was glad they were all here. I was glad that I was back to these amazing people who love me dearly.
"Adrien."