I stared at the closed door for a little too long, was I waiting for Nick to open the door and agree to help me? or to yell at me for once? maybe he should tell me to get out of his life.
My mind swirled, and my love floated around me chuckling, "You destroy your life by yourself", she says.
"no wonder everyone always leave you behind"
she bends from behind me, resting her chin on my shoulder, she whispers, "No wonder I left you too"
I flinched, almost stumbling. The hallucination just laughs at my reaction.
I missed Nyx more, she would have hugged me, threatened Nick, punched some sense into me, and assured me that everything would be alright as long as we were together....only we are no longer together, it's just me with this twisted version of you, one who is nothing like you with her cruel words that hurts more than any physical wound ever could. but then she laughs or teases Gwen and I am reminded of how much she is you.
she is you but also not, a you who has been twisted by my mind multiple times.
this grief that I can't understand chokes me constantly, makes me want to never leave my bed, just dream, remember anything but face this reality, a reality where you aren't with me.
My mind continues to reel, my legs start moving, I know what I must do now.
I know the path I have taken, and I will walk this path alone if I must.
All the people around me made me forget how lonely I truly was, before Nick, before my friends, before Nyx. I was alone then, I am alone now. Nothing has changed. Then I was truly alone, now I have people around me and still feel so alone.
I wonder if Nyx will understand this path I have taken, a path that will surely lead to my doom, she won't like it, but she would have walked it with me.
But I guess I would never be walking this path if she was with me. The what-ifs make my brain hurt.
In the end, even our happily ever after became a what-if.
One that will only ever come true in my dreams.
I keep walking and walking, even when Arthur tries to stop me, trying to understand where I am going. I don't stop till I stand right in front of Monroe law firm.
"when the case was closed abruptly, the Monroe firm confiscated all the files, no one really questioned them since they represent the Woods corporation," I explain.
It was still too bright, too early, no way to invade their files just yet.
"Meet me here at 11 tonight," I say turning, ready to leave.
I pause when I hear Arthur say, "wait!".
"Let me buy you breakfast, for everything you have already done."
I am tempted to snark that I am not doing this for him, I am doing this for my love. But, I don't, I just tell him I have previous plans and I wasn't lying.
we bid farewell and I left the place as fast as I could.
I arrive at the cafe too early.
I sit down at our usual spot and wait.
When he finally arrives he is 15 mins early.
His light lavender hair is the first thing I spot, his bangs are longer than they were the last time I saw him, and he is wearing a simple turtle neck, black jeans, and his favorite shoes.
"Mac," he smiles warmly as soon as he notices me.
"Zac," I say back trying to match him.
"It's been a while," he drops his bag in the seat next to him. He seems happy and it shifts an ugly gear inside me. He deserves to be happy, I knew that but I couldn't help it.
"It has..."
Zac smiles again, though it looks a lot more forced now.
"You are planning to do something stupid," he says
offended I say, "I am not planning anything stupid"
"Sure," he says rolling his eyes like I had said the most absurd thing ever.
Just because he could be possibly right, doesn't mean he is.
I fold my arms over my chest and huff, "How would you even know I am going to do something stupid? I haven't even told you anything."
"You didn't need to, you showed up and that was enough for me to know."
I just look at him confused.
"This is the first time you showed up, I have been coming here every week waiting for you" guilt floods me again.
"You have been ignoring Gwen, which is an achievement considering the fact that you both work in the same place. You reject affection when you are in pain, Nyx was the only exception."
He orders coffee for himself and a sandwich for me, "And anything that involves Nyx makes you do stupid things."
I huff, "It could be something that's not related to Nyx."
He smiles the one he always does when he wins bets against Gwen, "It's always about Nyx when it comes to you."
A part of me feels insulted and wants to lash out, But he wasn't wrong, and that somehow made me more upset, my love just laughs like this was the most hilarious thing she has ever witnessed.
I bit into the sandwich placed in front of me more aggressively than is required, "Are you just gonna sit there and criticize me?"
He laughs and it makes me realise how long it's been since I had heard that. Three months. For three months I had blocked off everyone, I wonder how long I would have continued to do so if Arthur hadn't broken into my house.
"No, that's Gwen's job."
He leans forward and I can see the twinkle of interest in his crystal blue eyes peaking through his bangs, "Now tell me all about this problem you have gotten yourself into."