Viktor is busy with classes on his birthday.
He's busy with an assignment on my birthday.
I smile and nod. I understand. I've played as Eileen and I know how grueling the Academy is meant to be when you're...actually participating.
When you have magic and aren't an imposter wandering around the halls pretending to be a mage because your family is too proud to admit they don't belong here.
So I smile.
It doesn't matter. I understand. I don't hold it against him. I accept it. I can handle a few weeks or even months apart if it's what it takes to secure a future for him.
I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.
"I'm sorry," He sighs and offers me a tired smile, not even looking up from his paperwork.
"We'll have to cancel that date. It completely slipped my mind, but the professor assigned me to tutor Eileen that day. It's so soon I can't afford to back out, unless I can find someone to cover for me and teach her in my stead..."
"I see." I reply simply, setting down a glass of wine in front of him.
Viktor offers me a grateful smile, but his gaze is already drifting back to his papers.
He's working harder and harder to get close to the other students in the hopes of gaining recognition as the royal mage.
I've been helping him gather medicinal herbs from the forest and in town to bolster his reputation, and sending a few discreet inquiries to the professors regarding his potential for advancement.
I can't do much, but what little I can do...is something.
Unfortunately, this also means I spend a lot of time in his shadow. He's growing closer to a few of his classmates who share an interest in alchemy.
A-and...that's good! I'm so happy that Viktor is making friends, that people care about him, that the people in this Academy look at him the way he deserves to be looked at - with awe and envy, not fear and disgust.
I don't bother him with my loneliness.
I won't bother him with the fact that I no longer get invites to the tea parties of the women actually learning magic in this school.
He doesn't deserve that burden.
He works so hard, he's always so busy now. So many people rely on him...I can't be selfish and expect him to waste what little energy he has left on me. I'm used to being alone, and I...can handle myself.
When we graduate, things will go back to the way they were.
The two of us together.
I can survive anything to reach that outcome. I'll endure a thousand tears and a thousand pitying looks from his classmates because...because I love him. I won't make him miserable. I won't cause him trouble. I'll bear it all for him,
I can be the one he doesn't need to worry about, so he can focus on being the best possible version of himself.
Viktor speaks suddenly, giving a fond chuckle.
"That Eileen really is a troublemaker. She's broken the record for getting sent to the headmaster's office 3 times in a single year. Last time, she mixed up my class assignments in an attempt to skip the subject she couldn't stand. Luckily no one could blame me for it, since I was teaching the class. I barely got her out of being suspended."
I nod. My back is to him, so he can't see the way my lips press together tighter, as he lists off more events from his route.
My hands are shaking. I carefully set down my teacup, which thankfully is already empty, or it would have sloshed all over my skirts.
It feels like knives are twisting in my gut, tearing into my heart, my soul.
I close my eyes tight. I breathe. I just need to breathe. It doesn't mean anything. It's not personal.
He doesn't feel anything for her like that.
Viktor is a sweet, good man. He's kind to everyone. He gets along with everyone. So just because he happens to be interacting with her, or his route is playing out doesn't mean he loves her.
Because he already loves me.
I glance over my shoulder and smile at him. "Darling, will you tell me more about the legend of the lovers?"
Viktor's expression brightens considerably.
He immediately pushes aside the scrolls, claps his hands, and sets down his quill, giving me his undivided attention.
The emeralds of his eyes seem to glow with their usual light, "Well, I don't think there's much I haven't said but..."
There's a knock at our door. Viktor turns around and answers it.
Eileen.
Oh.
I remember this.
She's injured herself, and Viktor is the only doctor who's awake at this late hour. I open my mouth, briefly, to protest.
My jaw snaps shut, as Viktor immediately launches into doctor mode, bustling Eileen off to the academy clinic.
Wha-what was I thinking just now?
This isn't a game. I can't just skip events I don't like. Eileen's a real person, someone who's injured, and of course Viktor, a doctor, is going to focus on her.
The fact that I was even briefly about to complain and demand he focus on me over some kind of petty jealousy makes me feel sick to my stomach, disgusted in myself.
I walk to the the window, looking up to the stars.
"I'm sorry." I mutter under my breath, before turning on my heel and heading for my closet.
I don't know when I start to weep, but I hate myself for it.
He doesn't come back until early morning, after I've fallen asleep.
I knew as soon as he left that would be the case - there's a convoluted plot involved in that medic visit that keeps him there all night.
When I wake up, he's gently holding me in his arms, asleep and exhausted looking. Immediately, I feel terrible even being jealous at all.
Months pass, and the end of semester ball is looming close. The exams are tomorrow, but that won't stop the ball being held afterwards.
"Your dress is absolutely stunning!" The seamstress nods happily, taking a step back, brushing her hands off, and admiring her handiwork.
I twist around in front of the mirror.
"Absolutely stunning! Beautiful! Perfect!" She grins cheerfully.
"It really suits you, Miss Weideman. With a beautiful woman wearing it, nothing could look bad, of course, but this one looks especially perfect for you. You must have really studied what the style of this season is like!"