Since when did I become a person who doesn't care about others?
But why should I care about others?
What's in it for me to do so?
To gain fame and praise?
Is it wrong to help someone with such intentions?
I have witnessed similar things happening in the society of the previous world. I believed that it was wrong to do such things just for trivial reasons like wanting fame or wanting to be praised by others.
But now that I have the same feelings as those people. I feel that this is not something wrong.
I know it's wrong, but my selfishness makes me believe that it's right.
I understand that, but I don't care about it.
Isn't it okay as long as I help someone in need?
I help them and they give me praise. Isn't it normal to repay someone who has helped you?
Ray delved deep into his thoughts, ignoring Jimmy and his two friends who were chatting with Alex, the princess's personal guard. He let himself get lost in his thoughts and tried to find answers to the immoral thoughts he was having.
All the thoughts he was thinking suddenly reminded him of someone who is currently very familiar with the thoughts Ray is having right now. The person he is referring to is Anderson, someone who once made Ray's thoughts become chaotic to the point where he couldn't control his own body.
Ray slowly touched his wrinkled face and felt disgusted with himself. Knowing that he is not much different from what Anderson did to him before he experienced his first death.
In essence, Ray and Anderson both want to be rewarded for what they do. Although Anderson does it by force, and Ray only hopes. Basically, what they want is the same. Just because the methods they use have different principles, it doesn't mean that their ultimate desires are different.
Knowing all that makes Ray grit his teeth and feel disgusted with himself.
But in the midst of his thoughts, memories of his younger sister who gave him encouragement came to his mind. Reminding him not to think negatively and to keep moving forward.
Remembering that made him smile. It made Ray try to forget the thoughts he had and focus on his goals.
When he snapped back to reality, Ray was faced with the sad faces of Jimmy, Alex, Tony, and Harry who were looking at him. He realized that they were worried about his condition, which seemed to be thinking about something complicated.
Knowing that made Ray happy because he realized that he still has people who care about him besides his own sister.
"Ray... Are you okay?" Jimmy asked with a worried look.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking about something," Ray replied with a fake smile on his face.
Jimmy wanted to ask what Ray was really thinking about. But he gave up the idea, considering that their current situation seemed very confusing.
"Well, that's good then...," Jimmy said again with a fake smile on his face.
It's not usual for Jimmy not to ask further.
Usually, he would keep asking until he gets the answer he wants. Then I would feel annoyed with him and dislike him even more.
But not this time...
Ray realized that Jimmy was holding himself back right now. He admired Jimmy's ability to adapt and understand the situation they were in.
Ray smiled.
This is why I hate you, Jimmy. You are so different from me, who needs to die twice to realize what I should do in situations like this.
But you don't have to go through painful experiences like I did to understand this situation.
That fake smile is clearly visible on your face. But no one else will know the truth except me and you, Jimmy. I know that well because I often use that smile to pretend in the midst of society.
But you're different from me. You use that fake smile to make others feel calm.
You're aware that you are someone who is scrutinized by almost everyone in our class. And you're aware that you bear the burden of being an idol and an example for them.
What happens if an idol or an example like them feels scared and confused? I know you know the answer, Jimmy. That's why you're trying to act calm right now.
I don't care if it's a lie. Just stay like that and give hope to the others. Then give me space to think calmly and find a solution to the bad situation that will happen tonight.
Ray smiled because he felt that there was someone reliable among his classmates. Although he hated to admit it, he was still happy about it.
I seem to have wasted time on something useless.
One of the students named Harry suddenly spoke to Ray, "Ray, what have you been thinking about all this time?"
Ray was surprised because it was the first time Harry addressed and talked to him.
Ray showed a fake smile, trying to show that he was calm. He didn't want to feel inferior because he couldn't do what Jimmy did. Besides, Ray was confident that he was talented at lying.
"I'm not thinking about anything complicated, just confused about the situation in this kingdom. Especially, it seems like the mansion near here will soon become a hell," Ray tried to come up with a reasonable excuse for himself.
Tony muttered loudly while looking down and seemed surprised, "So we're really in another world?"
Meanwhile, Jimmy tried to stay calm while holding Tony's shoulder and trying to calm him down, as Tony was in a state of confusion.
"I'm fine, Jim. I'm just surprised...," Tony tried to smile so that Jimmy wouldn't worry about him.
Meanwhile, Jimmy laughed at seeing Tony failing to smile. Tony ended up showing a silly face with a stiff smile on his face.
The atmosphere there became better, making Jimmy and Tony feel more at ease.
Meanwhile, Harry appeared calm and didn't show any signs of surprise after Ray said that. He remained silent while thinking hard with a serious expression on his face.