When I sneaked out of my wife's embrace this morning, I would have never guessed that today might be one of the worst days of my life.
It started pretty innocent, I just opened the doors and let the first customers in. Two hours later, a familiar annoying red condom walked in with another person behind him.
If Deadpool was enough to ruin my day, then the crazy lady I reincarnated behind him was going to ruin everyone's day. This was the cultivator from the Peng clan who said she would marry me when we met again.
How did she even get here? I know that with the insane pulls she got, she would eventually be able to walk between realities but the chances of us meeting were still close to none.
I could already smell trouble when she locked eyes with me and began confidently walking to me. Her womanly intuition must have transcended heaven with her as she was somehow able to recognize me despite the ROB and the current me being essentially two different beings.
As Deadpool sat on the Shadow Monarch's lap and began tracing his fingers along his abs, the not-so-young-anymore miss of the Peng clan sat herself opposite me.
"Hello, my love, I have returned. I adventured through existence for billions of years yet you remain the only one to catch my eye. I promised to marry you when we met again and I never break my word."
At this, the entire place grew silent. Everyone here knew my wife and how unstable she was, she had killed and tortured people into unrecognition for much less. As the immortal cultivator waited for my answer, the customers started sneaking out because they knew once Laura showed up, they would not be spared from her wrath, no matter how unrelated they were to this matter.
"Ahem… I am flattered but I'm not interested." I was seriously hoping that was enough to stop this matter as I too wouldn't get out of this unscattered but I seriously underestimated how stubborn and dumb cultivators were.
Sadly, even after becoming a godlike being, living for billions of years, and comprehending the Dao of Humility, she still remained a spoiled young miss at heart.
"What do you mean "not interested"? Are you saying I'm ugly or that I'm not worthy?" her face grew dark but that wasn't my concern right now as I could feel something dangerous come down from upstairs, ready to bring pain and suffering. Three guesses on what that something was.
"Look, I'm just not interested but I can hook you up with some other cultivators, to keep the bloodline pure or whatever."
"You think this is about bloodline? Are you trying to humiliate me?" she was getting angry and began releasing some of her cultivation realm, smashing many tables and chairs against the walls but that was it, even a god couldn't do more in this place.
Before I could answer, the door opened and a bloodlust strong enough to make gods of slaughter and courage piss their pants enveloped us. She began shaking like a leave before she even saw the abomination standing at the door.
My wife was so angry that she let some of the ugliest beings in her existence influence her form. She was no longer anywhere even humanoid and was just a thing out of eyes, mouth, and dark fleshy tentacles.
While one woman was cursing the worst curse words from every language to ever exist from her numerous mouths and the other was pissing herself from fear, I tried to escape this danger zone with Deadpool, who like the idiot he was, was the only one who stayed but just as I reappeared a few universes away in an entirely different timeline, a fleshy black tentacle with barbs and eyes came out of nowhere and pulled me back.
I'm sorry, Wade, I tried to save you. I might find you unbearably annoying but even you don't deserve the fate that you might experience here. At least the bar was isolating here with the outside or she would probably have destroyed several realities already.
"Wow, and I thought I looked bad. How did you even marry that thing? I think you took the saying "beauty is on the inside" a bit too seriously. It's just what people say to make ugly people like me feel better." Mr. Marvel Jesus decided to add gasoline to the fire.
He never knew how to shut up, no matter how dangerous the situation. How was he even still conscious? Anyone would have been mentally crippled or mad at this point, maybe that's where the problem was, Deadpool was already crazy and this was just the norm for him.
Anyway, Location-Not-Found was closed for the next few months and anyone who knew the true location of it could hear the screams of pain and terror from lightyears away.
Deadpool was tortured as well because his mouth just never knew when to shut up but it never seemed to do much, if anything, it only made him more insane. Keep in mind, the torture he was going through wasn't just a few kicks in the balls or pulling out nails but torture that would make the very concept of madness and pain shake in fear.
It was amazing how well Laura was in control of herself as one moment she was torturing people in her abomination form and the other she would be in her human form and shower our daughter with kisses after she entered the torture room of my Tower.