Chereads / The Accursed, the Banished and the Regretfuls / Chapter 33 - Chapter 29: Frame of mind

Chapter 33 - Chapter 29: Frame of mind

Dwargon, Gazel's POV:

More papers, I need more papers. I can't stay idle, we have so many things to plan. The layout for a new forge, renovation of the judiciary chambers, reformation of the army…

I let myself go too much these past months, so unfitting for a king. This isn't the time for screwing around, I feel problems coming soon. Now Tempest made its entrance on the world stage, there won't be much more time before the Empire makes its move. Those ravenous scums tried for ages to expand westward, and they can't be stupid enough to let a rapidly growing powerhouse threaten their goals.

My retainers gave me a few questioning looks this past week. I know they'd be troubled about my sudden change of pace. Dorf asked me once if something happened, and I brushed it off. If I want to preserve peace for my people, I shall guide and prepare them for our future trials. Peace… Peace, heh?

…RAARGH! That's why I needed to work, to forget about it. I messed up that night. Why did I sleep with Mithra?

When I came back to my senses, I was like an idiot, unable to face her. I noticed she was flirting for a while, but I always maintained some distance. She may be a fun woman, but we didn't know each other for long, it happened too fast.

I can't help but worry about it since I left Tempest. Now our relationship will be awkward, without forgetting Rimuru. I don't want to act like a scumbag, I know I must talk with her, and explain my concerns. But how should I proceed?

"You really are a ball of nerves now, little Gazel." I heard a voice behind me, coming from one of the last people I want to see right now.

I stopped slamming my head on the wall and turned toward Elmesia. That annoying elf must have heard about my current mood and came to tease me as usual.

-"Did you come to add salt to my situation? And what are you doing outside of your land?" I cleaned my desk as a means to recover my composure. "This isn't like you to take a stroll unannounced like a sightseer. When did the cunning and cautious Empress disappear?"

-"Oh, you're preoccupied about my safety? So kind of you. Be at ease, the kingdom of my dear junior isn't a place where I'm at risk." She took out a bag of pastries, and ate one without a care. "I must thank Mithra for reminding me that a strong individual is able to act a little carefree sometimes. Elalude will have to adapt somehow."

She finished her treat while I had a thought for the poor old guy. I'm sure he had a stroke when he noticed that witch's absence.

"So, what is the problem? For you to mindlessly bury yourself into work right after that party, it might be peculiar."

-"Something that is of no concern to you." I took a bottle of liquor and served us a cup, before gulping mine in one go.

-"...Mithra got you in her bed, isn't it?" 

I spat it all onto my desk. How is this brat-looking granny aware of that? Shit, with my reaction she'll tease me until my death.

"I had my doubts, that time I visited Tempest. She wasn't hiding her interest, after all." She sipped her cup loudly to get on my nerves even further. "And about how I came to understand it… Well, I have known you since you were a kid. I can read you like an open book. And you're quite similar to your grandfather in that aspect."

-"This is a nightmare." I buried my face into my hands to not look at her smug.

-"Now, now. I didn't come here only to savor your embarrassment. I want to help you, Gazel." She was acting all dignified to elude the fact that she obviously enjoyed this. "Since you're such a serious guy, I'm sure you're being overdramatic about your little adventure."

-"Overdramatic?" I felt my anger swell up at such carefreeness. "Because I let myself go under the grasp of alcohol, I slept with Mithra, changing our relationship for good. It's the same with Rimuru, since those two are family. I can't return to Tempest, and act like everything is normal.

Also, I'm aware that Mithra isn't interested in being engaged, that she only follows her desires. I'm happy for her, and I hope that she continues to do so, but I can't give her what she wants. I'm mortal, and as this country's king I have obligations toward my people. It won't be tomorrow, but one day I'll have to get an heir. It would be irresponsible of me to be dishonest with her and act like everything is good."

I took my breath and calmed down. It seems explaining my worries out loud lifted a weight on my heart. I'm sorry for Mithra, I don't want to hurt her, but it's overwhelming. Too sudden.

-"...You are a good man, Gazel. But you missed a few things. First, even if Mithra is this carefree about it, don't you think she's aware of your position? That woman isn't stupid, she knows how a monarchy works. And it didn't stop her, meaning she didn't care. So you can't hide behind the excuse of 'not hurting her feelings'. Same for Rimuru, he was perfectly aware of her shenanigans, and told me he found it funny to watch.

Second, you're putting too much burden on your shoulders. A monarch isn't a slave to its people. You're free to have a friend with benefits, you're not accountable toward anyone. I'm even sure Dwargon's citizens will be elated to hear that their king takes care of his sentimental needs. Especially knowing how liked you are by the crowds."

She finished her cup and invited me to take one of her pastries, before continuing her ranting like a pompous know-it-all.

"And if you're still unsure about what I said, I have one remaining argument that you cannot dismay. You're an earnest monarch, and know the value of having powerful allies. Couldn't you consider your relationship with Mithra as a way to consolidate ties between Dwargon and Tempest?"

-"...I hate when you're acting like you know everything better than me." I grumbled inside my beard, but I must admit she's right. I may have overthought it.

I began to relax now the fog in my mind was cleared. It's because it took me aback that I overreacted. I can return to Tempest and tell her I could try this little adventure, once I clarify my thoughts with her.

-"Seems that you found your answer. Anyways." Elmesia leaned on the desk with an ominous smirk. "Was it enjoyable?"

-"N-No way in hell I'm gonna tell you that! Screw you." I almost fell off my chair from her cheekiness.

I shall keep for myself those memories, or what I can remember at least. Some parts of the night are too foggy because I was drunk. But I can say it was… quite something.

-"Ohh? Little Gazel is ashamed? I should ask her directly, then. If I'm lucky she won't mind sharing the story."

-"RAAAARGH!!! HAVE MERCY AND KILL ME ALREADY!"

Tempest, hall of the central office. Mithra's POV:

-"Are you sure about it?" I asked the devil girls to confirm what they just told me about Rimuru's soul. 

-"Do you think we'd joke about something of this caliber, especially when it concerns the one we pledged our allegiance to?" Ultima dropped her bratty acting for once and talked like a proper grown up, showing how sincere she is.

-"...So that's how it is. Thanks, girls. Now we have another objective in the future." I thought about the implications of that news for a few seconds, before burying my worries for another time. "Of course, you're forbidden to tell anything to anyone else. I'll deal with it."

-"You didn't need to tell us. We're aware this kind of intel must remain secret for his safety. Well then, see you later." Testa made a sign to the others to leave, and they didn't make a fuss.

She ain't false, but I was more afraid that it would spread jealousy among the executives, notably with that pervert fanboy of a butler. Knowing that these girls got access to Rimuru's very core would cause chaos.

Somehow, it was a blessed accident. Without it, I would have realized too late that Alestar is alive… Couldn't he find another method to seal her? Maybe he lacked time.

Well, I cannot rehash it over and over. Ultimately, the path remains the same. Getting stronger and gaining trustable allies, until we can open the path to that goddamn world ourselves.

Okay, let's focus on the immediate time. The best way to achieve our plan is to run Tempest smoothly. It's the moment to do my job as its co-leader, since Rimuru's outside.

Today, we're receiving unexpected guests, as the Tengu tribe's chieftain will pay us a visit. Since they usually stay recluse in their mountains, refusing to interact with anyone, this decision took many by surprise.

Well, there's now two Demon Lords ruling over the whole forest, Veldora returned, and Frey is now subordinate to Milim. With all of that, they must feel pressured into seeking a good relationship with us.

Testa won't be here as she's busy with Falmuth and officialising treaties for Ruberios and Sarion. Hakurou insisted to be present for this meeting, apparently he's acquainted with the Tengu's leader. Good enough, it will help drop tension.

I entered the conference hall, waiting for her arrival. Shion's here as my right-hand, and Shuna will serve as a secretary. This girl is dependable, but she should learn to slow down on work, or she'll suffer from a burn-out one day.

Soon, I got a message from Testa's kid, Moss. Our guests arrived, and the chieftain will join us in a few minutes with her… daughter? 

Five minutes later, they passed the door. The kid seems a little haughty, probably the Tengu's pride. Her mother bowed with respect and a charming smile, who got wider when she saw Hakurou… Oh, I see what's going on.

-"Greetings, Demon Lord Mithra. My name is Kaede, and I wish you good fortune on behalf of the Tengus." She tapped her daughter's head, and the kid bowed too. "I'm sorry about my daughter, Momiji is quite the stubborn girl."

-"Pleasure's mine. Don't worry about it, it's good for a young girl to have confidence. If you wish, I can give you some time to say a few things to this sly fox who didn't told anyone he was a ladykiller." I pointed at Hakurou, not missing the opportunity to tease this youngster a little.

-"Hohoho. Don't mind me, lady Mithra. I can wait after the official formalities, and I'm sure it's the same for Kaede and her beautiful child." He laughed, being more cheerful than ever. He only looked at the newcomers, ignoring Shuna and Shion who were looking at him dumbfounded. "Yet, I can grasp the situation even without having to hear a word."

Maybe we can call that a monster's instinct. He recognized Momiji as his daughter on the spot. The girl has an aura similar to him, even I can see it. She realized what's going on herself and couldn't move, submerged by emotion.

On top of that, I can feel she's abnormally strong for her age, and she isn't that skillful at hiding her strength yet. She isn't far behind Frey or Clayman in terms of raw power. No wonder the Tengus could stay autonomous for centuries, since the mother should have been on a similar level before.

As Hakurou said, they agreed to continue the formal discussion. It finished quite fast, since Kaede announced her intention of joining the Federation without delay. It's a good arrangement for everyone. I offered them a larger autonomy as a sign of goodwill, and we'll get to reinforce our strength and influence.

Since we didn't have anything serious left to negotiate, it switched to a lovers and family reunion. Now that she's free to move as she wants, Momiji ran to hug her father. Once she released him, they joined Kaede, and the lovebirds were soon in their own world.

Behind me, I heard Shion blowing her nose. That girl is weak toward such displays of happiness, and her eyes became red and swollen with tears.

Once they finished reminiscing, Kaede turned toward me. Her smile didn't hide her sudden seriousness.

-"If I may make a request, I would like for Momiji to stay here, under Hakurou's care. Not only to give her an occasion to bond with her father, but to offer her a better opportunity in growing into a fine adult."

-"I don't have any problem with it, she's free to stay with him if she agrees." I folded my arms, suspecting another reason. "But I suppose this isn't all?"

-"You got keen insight." Kaede ducked her head and placed a hand on her heart. "I haven't much more time before me. A few years at best. I used a lot of energy to birth and name Momiji, due to her potential. So I wish for my daughter to get an opportunity to find a partner as soon as she can.

About that, we saw a fine young red-haired man who was commanding soldiers in a grand scale exercise on our way. From what I noticed, he must be one of your students, Hakurou. Such a good looking and strong man, could he have someone already?"

-"M-mother. This is embarrassing." Momiji got flustered, her canine ears wriggled. "And it's too sudden."

-"Oh, you saw my big brother. That's great, he's in celibacy right now. You should try, but I warn you, he can be indecisive and dense sometimes." Shuna laughed, thinking she'll get some teasing material.

-"Well, if that's only that…" I leaned backward on my chair, toying with a brand of hair. "I'll have to refuse."

-"Wait, what?" Shuna reacted first, but they all got surprised at my decision.

-"I have two major reasons. First, Momiji. You're 15, right? Then, in Tempest you have to wait for another five years before thinking about marriage and mating. Even if you're choosing to follow outside rules, Benimaru isn't allowed to go with you as he's an executive here in Tempest.

Second, finding a partner or not is at the concerned individual's discretion. May it be a rightful concern about her future, or as a playful teasing, I won't let you pressure your daughter into this, Kaede. The decision must come from her, and her alone."

-"I can understand the second one, even if I think you're exaggerating." Kaede recovered from her shock, but didn't seem to concede. "But what about the first reason? I don't see the problem here. For so long, it could happen at this age."

-"Still not enough? Then I'll add another one, but I warn you, it will be spicy." I stood up, and was careful to keep my aura in check. "It's quite bold of you to urge your daughter into partnership, when your own life got dramatically weakened after birthing her. I can't help but find it hypocritical, when you yourself experienced the risks involved."

-"Lady Mithra, don't you think it's going too fa-" Shuna tried to intervene but I cut her.

-"Mind your words, this is of no concern to you." I glared at her, making her shiver. Then I continued. "The forest isn't the perilous land it once was anymore. Not with two Demon Lords and the Storm Dragon protecting it. No need to think like in the old times for those matters.

And it's such a pity that you aren't trusting Momiji's strength either. Finding a partner that soon for what exactly? If the old council of the Ten Demon Lords was still in place, Momiji could have secured a place after some intensive training. A few years with her potential, to best that pushover named Clayman."

Once I finished my explanation, they were silent. No one dared to reply for a while, fearing they would incur my wrath if they said anything. Kaede froze, my words sinking into her mind. When I recovered my calm, I sighed before releasing the tension.

"Look, I'm sure you wanted to act for Momiji's sake, but have more faith in your daughter. Overprotectiveness can do as much damage as neglect. If you understand, then I agree with her living here." Once I gave my advice to Kaede (and Hakurou by the same), I focused on the young girl.

"As for you, outside of the marriage and mating ordeal that has to wait, you can choose by yourself. If you're interested in romance or other things, nothing stops you from exploring this field. But keep my words in mind, and remember that you are strong, and no one can force you."

Once I finished, they understood it was time to leave. Shuna went to show the Tengus their rooms to stay in, and I returned to my office. Shion followed me and seemed troubled about my small outburst earlier.

-"I just remembered, it's possible to help Kaede with her worries. If Hakurou accepts it, I can ask Rimuru to transfer some of his life force to increase his long lost lover's lifespan. I'll have to stay silent about the partnership issue though."

-"Why? He doesn't appear as someone who'd make a fuss about it… Well, not more than you at least." Shion tilted her head.

-"You have no idea. If it was him instead of me earlier, there's a risk he would have attacked Kaede, blinded by rage."

-"Eh? B-but why going to such extremes? Did something happen before?" She went pale while imagining Rimuru perpetrate anything this brutal.

-"...Once, in our past life, a secluded Beastmen village pressured the chief's daughter into having a mate. They wanted their community to grow stronger, to pass 'superior' genes into a new generation." I sat on the sofa, as I know my legs will lose their strength soon. "My son gave them a warning when he heard stories about their practices, and they disregarded it.

Unfortunately, her pregnancy failed. When she realized her innocence got thrown away for naught, the girl ended her life. She was Momiji's age too. Alestar went to spy on them to be sure, and he found her corpse. Then, it started."

I felt my heart get crushed under the mortifying memories of that day. I wasn't here myself when he slaughtered them all, but I witnessed the aftermath when I knew where he went. This village, once one of the strongest Beastman's settlements, never had a chance.

The stench of blood and guts spilled everywhere. The morbid sculptures all around the fences, made with the dismembered bodies of his prey. It served as a last warning, an exemplary retribution, for the whole world. And his eyes… 

"I don't fear many things, you saw it at Walpurgis. But those eyes, full of hatred… Recalling them terrifies me."

I started to struggle for air under the pressure. What a shame, for a spiritual being. Suddenly I felt warmth envelop me, as Shion hugged me tight.

-"It's okay, it's in the past. We'll make sure it won't happen again." She patted my back, helping me regain my calm. Then, she pressed me between her mounts… Big.

-"Thanks… Hm, could you let me go?"

She released me, looking away as the situation was awkward. Somehow, her clumsiness is quite adorable, and her honesty brings some fresh air. Now I'm ready to continue my work with a good disposition.

Freedom Academy, Rimuru's POV:

-"I'm nervous. What if I screw up?" Shizu is moving back and forth in front of Chloe's room, biting her nails.

-"Haaa, just go inside, we went over this several times already." I opened the door and pushed her. Since I'm standing in front of the passage, she cannot get out.

Normally, I only had to drop her in the Academy before meeting with Yuuki. But seeing how panicked she is, I remained here to give her a little push.

-"Teacher, err… Shizu?" Chloe acted surprised, but she felt our arrival since she took her adult form. 

-"H-hi Chloe…" She stuttered a few words, before shutting her mouth.

They didn't do or say anything for a while, only looking away. This situation is getting uncomfortable for all of us. Can one of you finally say something, to break the stalemate?

"...Can you explain why you had to disappear? I want to hear your story, in its entirety."

-"Ah. Of course, you deserve it. You might want to take a seat, it will take some time." Chloe cleared her throat before telling her story.

This is interesting, as I'm learning a few details she didn't reveal the first time. Her whole link with Leon is half funny, half tragic. This blondie really messed up several times, more reasons for me to annoy this guy. I'm sure Chloe wouldn't mind me giving him a lesson one day.

As she told her story, I could imagine how Shizu's spirit went into shambles. Learning that your misery was the result of an awkward guy who endlessly tried to bring back his childhood friend is kinda pathetic. 

Not only her, but many summons suffered from his shenanigans. Thankfully Leon has enough braincells and empathy to repair some of his mistakes. It appears he's rescuing otherworlders when he finds them.

-"...I see. You had it rough too, Chloe." Shizu's voice wavered. "Reliving the same events, again and again. You're admirable, to not give up to despair after all this time."

-"Shizu, don't try to hide your emotions. You have the right to yell at me. You can be angry, reject me, as I never could save you." Chloe looked at the floor, scared to face Shizu's expression.

-"Why? This isn't your fault. I would be cruel to hold you responsible for anything." Shizu replied with her usual gentleness and took Chloe's hands. "If anything, I should thank you for trying, as it may work this time. I'm alive, and this timeline seems to hold your best hope until now. That's all what matters."

-"...Shizu, thanks." Chloe began to tear up. "S-sorry. I can't control myself."

-"Let them flow then. Release your pent up distress, you'll feel better."

Now it's all settled, I took my leave. It's preferable to let them cry as much as they need without peeping. Now they can continue their lives with a healthy relationship.

-'Are you sure it isn't because you don't wanna cry yourself?'

-'Ciel, do you take me for someone who would melt over this kind of sight?'

-'Don't try acting cool, I know you're sentimental.'

I strategically decided to not pursue further. Now it's time to discuss with Yuuki about his future missions. He almost finished paperwork for the establishment of a new branch in Tempest, and he found an excuse to move the class S too.

At present, I need him to keep an eye out for suspicious actions in the Western Nations. It's to counter Granbell, in case he tries something desperate, since Lulu didn't kill his true body. According to Chloe, this guy was often the main reason why her efforts were in vain, behind the Empire.

I teleported into Yuuki's office, and he shrieked at my sudden appearance. Seems I caught him taking a pause in his work, as he was reading a doujin.

-"Holy shit, don't freak me out like that, Rimuru. I thought Kagali came sooner than expected." He hides it in a secret compartment of his desk, and recollected himself. "Nevermind. You came at the right time, I have good news."

-"Oh? She accepted to be your girlfriend?"

-"Goddamit be serious, please." He became redder than Guy's mane. He makes for a good toy, for real. "I have a way to collect more information, outside of all official networks. I told 

you once that an Eastern merchant helped me in gathering intel about Tempest, right? 

It appears he's more than a mere merchant, and invited me in overthrowing the Western nations' underworld. We're currently working on it, and in due time, we'll grow our influence toward the East too."

-"I see. I'm glad you're using your resources at their fullest, even if it didn't look like it." I glanced toward the hidden compartment one last time. "And this 'merchant'? Do you think he would make a good ally or pawn?"

-"Well, I'm still keeping my guard around him, as he's somewhat secretive. But I think he's trying to gain my trust as he told me his name last time I met him, unlike our previous encounters. He's called Damrada."

-"Damra- wait, really?" This name raised some suspicions, and I browsed into my memories. 'Ciel, can you-'

-'Here, in the Empire file.' She showed a glistening file, while posing on a couch with a cup of coffee.

-'What would I do without you?' I took the file and read it.

-'Not as good, nor fast as now, but outstanding nonetheless.'

-'Are you trying to flirt now? I should be careful.' I didn't pay attention to her embarrassed reply, and went back into my talk with Yuuki. "Here's what you'll do next. Advise me when you'll meet with this Damrada again. I'll tag along, as he could be important for dealing with the Empire."

-"If you say so. I won't ask why though." He fetched a paper and gave it to me. "Those are my observations on the Western Nations. Nothing notable for now, but I'll keep watching."

I see why he's supposed to be a genius, I didn't even have to tell him what to do. Yeah, nothing out of the ordinary. Nevermind, at least I got something valuable. If this is the same Damrada as I was told, then I could force my way into the deepest part of the Empire quickly. 

The prime minister of the Nasca kingdom, and one of Rudra's closest friends. Of course, his position would have changed a bit after a few millennia, but as long as I can use him to deliver my message to that stupid emperor. Even if diplomacy fails, just planting the seed of doubts in their minds is enough of an advantage. 

…Still, continuing his game with Guy after all this time. It's as if he's burying his sadness by focusing on this foolish play. That makes two families to repair for the price of one.

But he shouldn't expect too much compassion from me, not with all the lives wasted because of his whim. Kumara and Testa deserve their revenge, and I'll force him to repair his wrongdoings, no matter what he'll have to pay for it.

The lost world, 124 years before D-Day. Third POV:

It has been 6 years since Alestar found the Creator's spirit. The explorers have put a halt to their activities now the majority of the lands have been mapped. They settled in the city at the crossroads of all, the same where Rodin created his bar.

Alestar and Invidia had to involve themselves in formal politics and administrative work. They tend to forget it but they were still members of the human council. Oryos followed in their steps, to act as a representative for the Insectoids.

Not all went smoothly of course. A few months ago, Alestar created an incident by massacring a whole Beastmen village, and they're still dealing with the aftermath. Unfortunately, this isn't the kind of situation easily dealt with, even when you have the spirit of a genuine ex-god living in your mind.

Well, Alestar soon learned it was best not to ask Veldanava too much. This guy limited himself by casting away his omniscience after creating the multiverse. Depending on the topic, he can be as helpful as a flat-earther in a scientific community.

-"Goddammit, these assemblies never stop." Alestar let himself fall on a chair, his energy taken away.

-"That's what you get by losing your mind and kill everything on sight." Rodin bluntly stated, while preparing a cocktail. "At least, keep yourself together for when Oryos will come back."

-"You should find a way to destress. I don't wanna deal with an unhinged living bomb again." Midir said, reading a cultured magazine while hiding it with the cover of a magic book. "Maybe go release a load or something. It's bad for human guys to remain pent up."

-"Yeah, good idea genius, polishing my rod when I have another guy freeloading inside me. Do you have another revolutionary proposal, or was it the best you could think of?" Alestar was not amused.

-'Hey, are you still mad about it? It was 5 years ago, get on with it.' Veldanava floated nonchalantly above Alestar. 'You can just warn me next time, so I don't get out. It's easy.'

-"Shut up, bicorn. I know you'll creep me out again by 'accident' for fun."

-"What the hell are you talking about when I'm not here?" Invidia entered, a pile of files under the arm. She made a blank face when she saw Alestar yelling in the air. "Nevermind, I don't wanna know the details."

She may know a spirit inhabits his soul for years, it's still something to see Alestar talk in the wind and pass for a retard.

-"Sup guys, it's been a while. Lemme introduce someone to you." Oryos arrived, greeting everyone with his usual jolliness. He was accompanied by a mantis teenage-girl who seemed weary about an environment unknown to her. "Her name's Beryl. I adopted her a few years ago, and it's finally time I bring her with me to live here."

The others were in disbelief, as it came out of nowhere. Oryos was many things, but they never pictured him as someone who'd care about family. After all, they knew how socially awkward he could be, due to those centuries where he traveled alone. But now, they understand why this guy sometimes left for months without a warning. 

-"Hey, little one. Glad to meet you." Alestar walked toward her and bent to be at her height. He forgot his stress and tried to make a good first impression.

-"...Are you Alestar?" The girl asked with a low voice, her gaze showing how untrustful she was toward these people she never met.

-"Oh? Your dad talked about me? I hope he didn't say anything stupid in my back then." He went to pat her head, until something dreadful happened.

Crraack

Out of nowhere, Beryl kicked him in the nuts. They barely saw her moving, proof of her mantis agility.

"He talks too much about you, as if you're the only interesting thing in the world. Get lost." She made an obscene gesture before leaving the bar. 

Oryos was stunned at her behavior, and panicked about what to do. He finally went after her, and stuttered some apologies to Alestar. Midir and Rodin restrained a laugh, and made a silent prayer to his potentially dead balls.

Invidia, on her side, went to inquire about her son's state. He didn't move an inch, frozen, his hand still forward for a headpat that never happened. When she poked at Alestar, he reacted with a delay, and slowly fell on the ground head first.

He let out a faint, devastated groan, as his sole response before going unconscious. Seeing this, Veldanava looked at the ceiling, his arms crossed behind his head and still floating without a care. 

He made a single remark: 'If he did blow a load, it would have reduced the damage. Too bad he's a pussy just because I'm here.'