After hours of slogging through the forest, Su Xiaobai and Wei Jun finally stumbled upon a small, beat-up wooden hut in the middle of nowhere.
The damn thing looked like it was held together with spit and hope—certainly not the grand 'homecoming' Wei Jun had promised.
There wasn't a single formation or barrier to protect it, just a worn-down shack that seemed like even a gentle breeze could blow it over.
Wei Jun stared at it, bewildered. "Where is everyone?"
Just as he finished speaking, a voice like thunder exploded behind them.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH—!"
The ground practically shook, and Su Xiaobai, ever the wise brother Su, instinctively stepped aside.
His face remained calm, serene, like some enlightened monk who knew exactly when to dodge bullshit.
At the same time, his 'Invincible Domain' triggered, ensuring not a speck of harm could touch him. 'Perfect.'
Wei Jun, on the other hand?
The poor bastard didn't even have time to blink.
THWACK!
A meaty fist collided with the back of his head with the force of a thousand angry cultivators, sending him face-first into the dirt.
BAM!
The ground rumbled as his body hit, sending a cloud of dust into the air as Wei Jun groaned like a dog that had been kicked too many times.
Su Xiaobai, perfectly clean and untouched, glanced down at him with a smirk. "Looks like you've been... summoned, brother."
Wei Jun, half-buried in the dirt, spat out a mouthful of soil. "What the fuck was that for?!" he yelled, his voice muffled by the ground he was currently eating.
Behind them, a hulking figure approached—a towering old man with muscles bulging out of his robe, veins like tree roots snaking across his arms.
His beard looked like it hadn't been groomed in decades, and his face was twisted into a mask of pure rage.
This was no regular grandpa—this was a goddamn 'monster' in human skin.
"Don't 'what the fuck' me!" the old man bellowed, his voice shaking the trees. "Sneaking out again, huh?! Spying on that Xiantian Sect girl, weren't you?!"
Wei Jun's eyes widened in pure terror. "Grandpa? I—"
But Grandpa didn't let him finish. His foot shot out like a battering ram, and—
THWACK!
Wei Jun yelped like a kicked dog as he was sent flying forward, his body rolling across the dirt like a ragdoll.
He barely had time to catch his breath before—
THWACK!
Another kick to the ass, harder this time, sent him skidding several feet forward, face buried in the dirt again.
"Didn't I tell you to stay away from that girl?!" Grandpa roared, his face a storm of fury.
THWACK!
Another vicious boot to Wei Jun's ass sent him rolling further, his body practically vibrating from the impact.
Su Xiaobai watched the scene, his arms folded casually behind his back, thoroughly entertained. 'This might be the best thing I've seen all day.'
"Grandpa, I swear—" Wei Jun tried to protest, his voice ragged and desperate, but Grandpa wasn't having any of it.
THWACK!
"You think I don't know what you've been up to, you little shit?! You sneaky bastard!" Grandpa grabbed Wei Jun by the back of his collar, yanking him off the ground like he weighed nothing.
And then it began—the assault.
Grandpa's boot came down, again and again, with the fury of a goddamn thunderstorm.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Each brutal kick landed square on Wei Jun's ass, the force sending him lurching forward like a human ragdoll.
The old man kicked him like he was punting a sack of potatoes, not stopping for a second, fucking him over and over again as if every boot carried the weight of years of built-up frustration.
"Grandpa, stop! I can explain—"
THWACK!
"It's not what it looks like—"
THWACK!
"I was just passing by—"
THWACK!
Su Xiaobai, still watching with a bemused expression, shook his head in mock sympathy. 'This guy... he's getting his ass fucked...'
Grandpa, showing no sign of stopping, continued his relentless assault. "You're a no-good, useless son of a bitch, and I'll teach you what happens when you mess with me!"
THWACK!
Wei Jun was practically seeing stars by now, his body jerking forward with each devastating kick. "Brother Su! Please! HELP ME!" he wailed, his voice cracking with desperation.
Su Xiaobai raised an eyebrow, his lips curling into a smirk. "Help you?" He glanced at the old man's boot still in mid-kick. "Nah, brother, you're on your own. Consider this character-building."
THWACK!
Wei Jun flew forward again, his body limp and defeated, each kick pushing him further into the dirt until he looked like part of the ground itself. "I swear, I won't even look at her—"
THWACK!
"I'll never do it again!"
THWACK!
Grandpa finally stopped, wiping the sweat from his brow, but not before delivering one last brutal boot to Wei Jun's already tender ass.
This final kick sent him crashing into the dirt with enough force to leave a small crater.
Su Xiaobai, still amused, rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, at least now he knows his place."
Wei Jun, groaning, barely lifted his head from the ground. "I think... I'm dead..."
Grandpa, finally satisfied, stepped back, hands on his hips. "Let that be a lesson to you! Next time, I'll really make you suffer!"
Su Xiaobai muttered under his breath, "Yeah, 'gentle' really isn't your style, old man..." He shot Wei Jun a glance, chuckling darkly. 'Got fucked, huh...Serves him right for looking like woman all the time.'
"Fuck... me..." Wei Jun whimpered weakly, his body twitching as he lay in the dirt like a broken doll.
"Your Grandpa already did,*" Su Xiaobai replied dryly.
Wei Jun, "..."
_____
After several crashes, kicks, and a few moments of blissful silence, Su Xiaobai had gathered enough information about Wei Jun to confirm one thing: this guy was Yue Country's number one simp.
No contest.
Apparently, Wei Jun's grandpa had sealed his cultivation after he'd run away a few days ago to peek on some woman—who, by the way, was already engaged.
And even after getting caught, beaten, and having his cultivation sealed, the idiot still had the audacity to sneak into the dangerous forest, just to peep at her again.
Su Xiaobai honestly didn't know whether to be impressed by Wei Jun's sheer dedication or amazed at his stupidity.
But now, somehow, Wei Jun had recovered from his public ass-whooping, standing beside his towering Grandpa Wei, buttering him up with all the grace of a snake oil salesman. "Grandpa! This guy saved my life, haha! You can't just let our benefactor walk away like this, right?" Wei Jun turned and winked at Su Xiaobai, who immediately felt a wave of discomfort ripple through his body.
This guy…
To make things even weirder, they'd been joking earlier about Wei Jun offering his little sister to Su Xiaobai, as if that was just a casual thing you did after getting your ass handed to you.
But Su Xiaobai could tell that Wei Jun had something else in mind.
In fact, Su Xiaobai had pieced together that Wei Jun had brought him back here for a reason—most likely to return the favor in another, more practical way.
Information.
In the world of cultivators, favors carried weight. For most Daoists, honoring a favor was like a sacred bond.
Of course, that didn't apply to someone walking the path of sin like Su Xiaobai, but that didn't mean he couldn't recognize an opportunity when it slapped him in the face.
Su Xiaobai knew that an old man like Grandpa Wei—who had clearly lived through centuries of battle, bloodshed, and god knows what else—was a treasure trove of information about Yue Country. Information that could be invaluable.
Wei Jun might have been an idiot, but his instincts were good.
And even if Wei Jun hadn't offered the favor first, Su Xiaobai would have asked for it.
Grandpa Wei, who had been watching the whole exchange with narrowed eyes, finally snorted. "I know, you bastard. Now get the hell out of my face," he grumbled, shoving Wei Jun aside like he was swatting away a fly.
Then, Grandpa's gaze shifted to Su Xiaobai, inspecting him head to toe with a scrutinizing look that could probably see straight through to his soul.
With a slow, deliberate movement, Grandpa Wei pulled out a worn pipe from his robe—one filled with a substance Su Xiaobai would bet his soul wasn't exactly safe—and lit it up.
He took a deep puff, releasing a cloud of thick smoke that lingered in the air like a cloud of ancient wisdom.
Or maybe it was just really strong.
After another puff, Grandpa Wei nodded, his demeanor suddenly shifting from that of a violent old man to something more akin to a seasoned general. "What do you want to know about Yue Country?" His voice, calm and measured, held none of the rage he'd displayed earlier.
It was like Su Xiaobai was now facing a completely different man.