Now I'm sure you're wondering about our grand little scheme.
What grand plan did the three of us concoct? What did it do to Hydra? Did it involve the color orange and copious amounts of tomfoolery? Did I ever get around to breaking reality? I'm sure you're just DYING to hear those answers. After all, it's been more than a year since I penned an entry in this darn journal! Probably because I lost the bloody thing in a lake while a certain Boy Scout slugged it out with...shit. Ignore that. Spoilers and all. Still, surely you're wondering what everyone's been up to in the meantime! What the gang's been doing. What pranks have been played.
We'll get back to that.
Now, now! Don't give me that look.
Its a very interesting story and I'll be happy to recount it all...
...once I remember everything that happened.
Not my fault!
Blame the author!
Why the hell did I sign a contract with him, again?
Right, right. I'm rambling about. Aren't I? I'll try to recall...
There was a LOT going on at the time and it involved copious amounts of minions, madness, and chaos; so much so that I really can't recall the finer points, only that we won and the bad guys lost. No. Wait a minute. I lie. They wish they lost. If they'd simply been defeated they would've been thrown in jail and made to pay for their crimes. Alas, as I don't hold to such rigorous moral,s unlike ol' Blue, I chose otherwise. Oddly enough, I DO vaguely recall stealing a few souls and shattering the mind of a certain imbecile. I may have gone a tad...overboard in that regard. I'm sure I haven't forgotten anything important. Right?
Right?
Ah, but I digress!
Let me tell you why we're really here.
You see, after lending Steve a helping hand, I've been feeling more than a little pugnacious. Downright, feisty, really. Thor's off dealing with Malekith as I write this. Tony's got Mandarin troubles, and frankly? I'm inclined to let the two of them sort things out on their own. Maybe send a clone to check in on them, but to be there in person...nah. They don't need me. Nat's got Banner on watch, too. Hardly something that required my set of skills. Y'see, I've realized something. Pranks and chaos are all well and good, but eventually we want something more, don't we?
What do I want, you ask?
I wanna partner.
Not a sidekick, not a villain, not a rival, but someone who can take what I dish out and throw it back in my face. An equal, or as near to that as you can find in this universe, I suppose. Someone who shares in my unique brand of...thinking. One who laughs in the face of death and flips it the bird besides. Someone who doesn't owe my anything. A goal to work toward. As luck would have it? I believe I've found a suitable candidate. And to think, I wasn't even aware of her until recently! Odin did a very, very, VERY good job of sealing her away. I didn't realize she'd been locked away in a pocket dimension. Clever, old man. Very clever. If she's half as fierce as I think she is, I might be in the for the fight of my life.
Hell, I might actually die!
From the little I've gleaned of her, she's damn close to indestructible. Strong. Vicious. Dangerous. I dare say immortal. Now, whether she actually takes me up on my offer is something else entirely. She could skewer me before I get a word in. Yet what can I do? For the first time in all my millennia, I'm actually excited! Finally! A challenge!
I'm smitten!
Yes, I know it sounds overly sappy.
Sometimes ya just gotta scratch that urge, ya know?
So, in lie or a long explanation, I'm just going to state my intentions here.
You see, I'm about to do something incredibly stupid.
I'm going to pay Death herself a little visit.
And no, I don't mean that Death!
Thanos can have her.
No, I have my eye on a far greater prize.
I also feel inclined to remind you, dear reader, that in my eyes, Loki is merely the God of Mischief. Say what you will about that.
But, chaos?
And the talk-no-jutsu?
I fucking patented that shit.
(...The Realm of Hel...)
"Anybody in there?"
When the voice reached Hela, she almost missed it entirely. The words were so faint she barely detected them at all; as though someone-or perhaps something?-were whispering to her from a great distance. Distorted by the very fabric of time and space itself, her first thought was to pay it no heed. To simply ignore it, and renew her focus on escape. Such flights of fancy served no purpose in this realm. She'd received no visitors here for eons now and only a fool would willingly intrude upon her exile. Unlike those insipid Valkyries she'd put to the sword.
Damn them.
The reminder stirred ugly emotions in her, thoughts and memories she'd rather do without. Her betrayal. Exile. Being cast out by her "Father" the one man she truly respected, adored even. And for what? His faux idea of peace? A peace built on the bones of the conquest she had made for him? Merely thinking of this made the Eldest Daughter of Odin grit her teeth. Fools. The lot of them! They called her ambitious. Misguided. Bloodthirsty. Perhaps they were right about the latter. But mad? No, she was the only sane one left. Did they not understand that conquest was the only way to rule? But no, Odin would rather have his precious "son" and his "treaties" and deny her very existence for fear of the truth!
Damn him.
Damn them all!
"Helooooo~? Is this thing on?"
Again the voice came, louder this time.
Casting a weather eye on the ruined hellscape before her once more, Hela saw nothing. No one. Only the complete and utter absence of life.
A void in which she would linger, forever.
"Nonsense." she muttered to herself. "Maybe I am going mad."
Because that was exactly what she needed right now after all of this-
"Mad? Seriously? I can hear you, ya know. Are you just going to ignore me?"
Again, like an errant stone cast upon a pond, the voice pricked at her. It would not be denied. Nay, it rippled slowly, soft waves of change inexorably overtaking the absolute stillness that defined her realm until she could no longer put it from her mind. An itch she couldn't scratch. Building, swelling, an insatiable rash on her psyche. Eventually, its persistence became too much for even her to bear.
'Enough!' Cocking her head, she turned at last toward the sound. 'What IS that?'
"That would be me!"
This time, Hela received an answer almost immediately.
Thoom!
A thunderous blow rattled her world from top to bottom, as the supposedly unassailable fabric of reality quivered, shuddering against the almighty force of the blow. Once. Twice. Thrice. Upon the fourth blow it fractured, a hairline crack etching itself against the desolate landscape of her prison. Not for long. When the fifth came roaring through, that thin crack widened into a gaping fissure. The sixth hurtled shards of jagged light through the tear in space and time. The seven shattered like brittle glass, revealing a brilliant glowing green expanse lurking just beyond her sight. An eighth broke even that. Upon the ninth, a clawed hand the color of chaos -if chaos could bear such a distinction- thrust itself through the breach, gripping the edge of the break, soon followed by another. And another.
Then came the face.
"Gah! That was a pain in the ass to break!"
There could be no other word for the sound nor his abrupt arrival; one moment Hela glowered into the void, then the next, someone shouted and the void stared back. As she looked on in quiet disbelief, the intruder thrust their face through the breach, presented her with a whiskered face and wild blue eyes, all framed by a shaggy mop of blond hair. 'A man,' a small part of her groused. 'Of course.' Whomever he was, he noticed her straight away, a look of almost childlike joy overtaking his visage. With a jaunty wave, he pulled himself through the tear and landed nimbly on his feet, orange cloak dancing madly.
Wait.
Orange?
Even as Hela struggled to acquaint herself with the jarring color of the newcomer's garments, she found herself face to face with those startling blue eyes.
Well, now.
Hela didn't swoon. She was much too proud for that. But she did take notice. Ever the warrior, she'd never considered herself the type. Hers was the field of battle, not the bedroom. She'd never given thought to romance; indeed, she'd never felt the need for intimacy of any sort these days. Oh, there had been a number of bumbling, fumbling attempts back when she was a mere whisp of a girl; but it was so terribly difficult to find a proper partner when her playmates were always breaking, Asgardian or no.
Yet still, there was something to be said about those eyes...
Then he had to go and ruin it by opening his fool mouth.
"You!" a lone finger thrust itself out at her.
Baffled, she actually blinked again.
"Me?"
"Do you have any idea how difficult it was to find this pocket dimension?" the stranger asked-demanded really only to immediately dismiss her and shake his head in the negative. "REALLY hard, that's what! Don't even get me started on breaking into the damn thing! It wasn't easy, ya know?" As quickly as the anger had come however, so too did it dissolve, reverting to that strange state of wonder. "Still, If I'd known the Goddess of Death was such a looker I'd have paid you a visit sooner."
He tilted his head then, apparently waiting for her to speak.
Belatedly Hela realized this was it.
Her chance.
This...individual had just broken into her prison as though it were glass. Granted, the way was now shut behind him, but surely he could break back out if he so chose? No, this was more than a chance. This was what she had been waiting for. Searching for. Long for. Opportunity. Perhaps even the hand of fate itself was at work here, some greater power she didn't understand. A lesser woman would've thrown themselves at his feet. Tried to get into his good graces before the legions of Odin descended upon them.
Hela was no such woman.
"And you are...?"
Laughing, the blond sketched an elaborate bow before her.
"Uzumaki Naruto. God of Chaos, interdimensional rogue and universe hopping deity at your service." Raising his gaze, he fixed her with a wry smile. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Words don't do you justice."
'Clever boy.'
Her ego sufficiently stroked, the Goddess of Death arched an eyebrow and planted a hand upon her slender hip. Weakened though she might be-thanks in no small part to her banishment from Asgard-she wasn't beyond a bit of flattery. It reminded her of the old days; when she was respected and feared above all. The good times. The glory days of Asgard. Before Odin took...! Just like that her volatile mood shifted, leaving her feeling more pugnacious than ever before. She wanted to kill something. Rend it apart with her bare hands.
Cut!
Stab!
Kill!
"You look like a smart boy with good survival instincts." she growled, summoning a sword to her palm. "Kneel. Release me from this prison and swear eternal fealty to me. In return, I'll let you live. Or," that very blade all but forced itself beneath the blond's chin, drawing blood as he raised his hands. "You can die. Your choice." It almost struck her as odd that he wasn't resisting. That he didn't show fear. Did he not fear death? Absurd. All things lived, and all things died. Even gods fell, in time.
She soon had her answer.
Crunch.
A hand wrapped around her weapon and pulled forcing it across his jugular. Blood spilled forth from the wound, only to promptly flow back in, the grievous wound stitching itself shut as she looked on. Her would-be-minion traced the wound with a finger, and sure enough, not even a scar remained. Only the faintest of embers.
"Sorry." he replied wistfully, releasing her. "Tried that once. Didn't work out so great. Counteroffer! Marry me and I'll let you out of here."
The sudden proposal did its job; her grip wavered, if just for a moment.
"I beg your pardon?"
"What, did you not hear me?" the blond barked a laugh. "I'm asking you to marry me. We'd make beautiful children."
Oddly enough, Hela did imagine just that.
Was it wrong that part of her suddenly craved such an ideal? The tiniest part of her soul-or what remained of it-leaped upright. Was it wrong wrong to want that. To have her own legacy? To reclaim what had been stolen from her? The idea of a daughter was oddly appealing in a way she'd never considered. But...no. Her anger ran too deep to be extinguished so easily; her vengeance a cold vein of ice that refused to thaw; would not allow her to warm...until Asgard was brought beneath her heel. Until then, she held no room for anything else.
"Oh, will you stop with that melodramatic bullshit? I can hear it from here!"
She felt her lips twist in a sour smile.
"Aren't you a bold one."
"You have no bloody idea...so?"
"And? Why should I grant you such an honor?"
"I dunno...maddening mayhem and absolute carnage?"
"Hmm. You make a fair point. However, there's just one problem...
"And what's that?" Naruto inquired, his eyes narrowing just so.
"I don't like your attitude."
"So I guess that means we're gonna do this the hard way...?"
This time Hela gave him no warning; instead she spun with impossible speed; delivering a vicious crosscut along the length of the blond's chest, to open him from chest to sternum. At least that had been her intention. This time however, her foe didn't bleed. Didn't blink. Didn't budge. Didn't even breath. His sole concession to the attack was to step forward. Hard. His forehead arced out, slamming against hers in the form of a jarring headbutt. Damnit, she hissed at herself as her vision blazed with spots. Forgot the helmet.
Too late.
"Oh, I know that combo! Cute. Let me show you the proper way to do it."
In the next instant Naruto seized her wrist and hauled her forward, parrying a second summoned blade with one drawn from the voluminous folds of his sleeves. A blur of white-hot steel whipped forward, drilling a searing hole through her tattered armor with the other. Immortal or not, the sensation of having a blade thrust into one's stomach is-and always will be-far from pleasant. Less so when said blade burns with the very fires of chaos itself. A jarring tug pulled the serrated weapon free from her body, leaving the stunned Goddess to topple onto her...backside.
Somehow, this hurt.
Far more than it should, it burned.
"Ah, the good ol' riposte." Naruto's voice drawled overhead. "Dark Souls taught me well! Now, are you gonna get up or...?"
"SILENCE!"
Her blade cut a glowing line through his chest and he staggered half a step.
"What, is that it? Come at me bro! Actually, wait-
Hela descended on him with a snarl and they collided in a storm of swords and steel.
A/N: And there we go. ONTO RAGNAROK early this time around and all the chaos to come before and after! Prepare!
After all, just about everyone thinks Naruto's as mad as a hatter.
Rightly so!
I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW!
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and a silly omake in the same verse!
Hope it makes ya smile!
(Preview/Omake!)
"Alright, but you can't be mad at me."
"What did you do?"
"Well, about that, Thor...I MAY have married her."
"Who?"
"Your sister."
"I have a sister?"
"An older sister, yes."
"And you say she's your...wife?"
"What can I say?" the blond laughed, revealing the gleaming emerald band on his finger. "'It just happened. Sides, death and chaos go together like oil and fire. Also, she kiiiiiinda wants to conquer everything in existence, by the way. Asgard included. No big deal."
"WHAT?!"
...and that's why you have to die."
"Aaaaaaaand time's up. Look, Ultron. Buddy. Pal." Naruto sighed, clapping his towering adversary on the shoulder, "While there's absolutely nothing I'd rather do than stand here and listen to you bluster at me until the death of the universe, I literally have a million better things to do. So. Here's the deal. You surrender, right here, right now, and I'll show you mercy. Might even put a good word in with Tony and get you pardoned. But if you don't, well...you're gonna have a bad time. So what's it gonna be?"
"Mercy?"
Had Ultron possessed the faculties for it, he would have found the man's humor ironic. As things stood, he simply scowled. Storming toward the irritating blond, he stepped over the shattered rubble that had once been the man's desk and laid hands on his throat, wrenching him against the wall. So fragile, these humans. So easily broken. Even their gods. It only took a few blows.
He didn't resist.
"You must be joking. I have an indestructible army. What do you have? A few shuffling swordsmen?"
"Hey! Don't knock the Abyss Watchers, mate. They're loyal lads."
"I still don't see how you intended to defeat me."
Incredibly, the blond's smile didn't falter.
"Ah, but that's Hela's job.
"Who?"
His smile grew imperceptibly.
"My wife. She doesn't like it when someone lays hands on her man."
"Oh, that's cute-
That as all he managed before a necrosword thrust itself through the back of his head.
"I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?"