I've always loved chaos.
There's just something so inordinately freeing about it; tossing the proverbial rule-book out the window and letting the chips fall where they may. Where's the fun in sanity, I ask you? The same series of events, repeating themselves over and over and OVER again in an endless loop? No, thanks! I could launch into a spiel about cycles and how bad they are for us, but I feel like I'd be quoting Zeus. Or was it Odin? Hmm. Brain's gotten a tad fuzzy after all this interdimensional realm travel, but can you blame me? No? I think not!
Ragnarok?
Age of Ultron?
Bollocks to all of that!
If there must be an age of something, then let it be one of ramen! Or better yet, chaos! Yes, I think I rather like the sound of that. Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Rain down slaughter, laughter and merriment upon the worthy and unworthy alike! Sow a little madness! Sheogorath was always good at that. Eh, should've had him at the wedding. Sanguine might make the best drinks but no one does chaos like the Daedric Prince of Madnhess himself!
Speaking of madness...
Maybe I should pay a certain Spartan a visit for our honeymoon.
Or perhaps during it? Creativity is the spice of life after all!
Oughta be fun to see what he's been up to lately.
After all, I haven't seen him since...when was it...a couple of chapters ago-aha! I remember now! During Loki's little hissy fit. Its been...wow. A long time since then.
Might even bring the wife along for the ride.
Technically, she's got a relative now...
No.
Wait.
I've got a better idea.
If I'm going to muck about with actual gods again-and don't they sound like fine folk-then why not bring a few of my own along? From what I've heard, their "Thor" is the biggest butchering bastard in the nine realms. Not at all like our lovable teddy bear. I think blondie might take offense to that. Oh, who am I kidding. I'd pay good money to see "our" Thor take out "theirs" and bash his head in. You know, the more I dwell on it, the more I find the idea oddly appealing...
Wonder what 'ol Point Break will think about that?
And Loki! Whatever happened to him, eh?
Might as well get Odin involved.
Wait, why am I asking you?
One way to find out!
(...Scene Break...)
Thor was not having a good day.
It had begun over an argument with Odin and now it threatened to end in disaster. Jane was dying. Her life-forced ebbed away with each passing moment, and there was naught he could do but wait. Wait and pray. The irony of such a notion wasn't lost on him. Thoughts of her and the insidious Aether trapped within her bounded about in his head like angry lightning bolts; chasing one another without end in a vicious loop. He could no sooner escape them than he could bring himself to abandon his own strength. But what good was his might when it could not save the one he loved?
In a blink, everything went from bad to worse.
"Thor, m'boy! Still have both eyes?"
The God of Thunder craned his neck as a triumphant voice resounded through the great halls of Asgard like a terrible avalanche, sweeping all before its path. Rich and booming, the Asgardian recognized it at once, though he wished he didn't. For all his flaws, he could never forget that voice. The owner of that voice had spelled a great deal of trouble for him since they'd last met, and many times hence. It was a voice he never wished to hear again. For a fleeting instant he almost considered hurling Mjolnir at him consequences be damned. He had hoped he would never come here to Asgard, never darken his door.
It seemed those prayers had been in vain.
When he turned to face him, he found only empty air.
"Over here, point break!" the blond's voice prodded at him from behind. "Seriously, you're supposed to be quicker than-
Clang!
Mjolnir needed no further provocation. The mighty hammer leaped from his hand like an arrow loosed from a bow in reverse; curving around to to fly at his exposed flank. Much to his amusement, a dull crunch rewarded his efforts; accompanied by a startled squawk as the hammer's victim flopped to the floor. Sure enough, when Thor turned to face his foe this time he found him writhing upon the ground, clutching at his head. A flicker of sympathy stirred in his chest, only to be stubbornly stifled by young man's response.
"Ack! What the hell, man?! That shit hurt! You trying to kill me?!"
"That depends...
Reaching down, he seized a fistful of the intruder's garishly orange cloak and hauled him to his feet. He didn't resist.
Wild blue eyes beamed at him. Well, at least one did. The other was well on its way to being swollen shut.
"Mean swing you've got there." he groaned. "Something happen to Jane?"
A low, angry growl traced the air between them.
"Choose your words with care, Naruto."
"Right, right. Low blow. Sorry."
...why are you here?"
"Because I missed your smoldering good looks and flowing locks? Owowow! Kidding! I was kidding!" As Thor looked on the horned warrior squirmed free and flipped to his feet, landing in a pointed crouch before him. Laughing, he stood and sketched a bow, only to frown at his pensive expression. "You're not looking so good, point break."
"Must you call me that?" Thor ground out.
"Depends. Has Stark dropped it yet?" the horned one posited. "Haven't really caught up with him in awhile."
...I do not believe he has, no."
"Then, yes, I must!"
Exasperated, the God of Thunder turned away.
"I am in no mood for your jests today. Nor will I will ever understand the nonsense you spout."
"References, Thor." the horned one chided him, neatly falling into step with him as he forsook the empty halls of the palace for the outdoors. "References! Gotta keep the crowd guessing. I mean, where's the fun in being predictable. Take that darling girl of yours, for instance. If it weren't for the powers that be, you two would never break up.
Tho nearly missed a step.
"I...beg your pardon?"
"Sorry, sorry, wrong movie." the ramen-loving deity raised his hands in peace. "A pity, that. Say, you don't mind if I bore Sif or Loki, do you? See, I'm putting a bit of an invasion force together and...well, frankly I'm going to kidnap them regardless, but I thought it'd be best if I asked first."
"Loki?" the mention of his brother caused the Asgardian to bristle. "You can't. He's in the dungeons."
"Is he, now?" Naruto tilted his head. "When was the last time you checked on him?"
"Just yesterday-
He paused, realizing at at once.
"Where is he? What have you done with him?"
"Me? Nothing." the former shinobi adopted an expression of faux reverence. "I opened a portal and promised him freedom if he stepped through it. He accepted. More fool he." An impish gleam burned bright in those mismatching orbs. "He's been falling for about thirty minutes now, and he'll keep falling until I say otherwise. Don't worry. I aim to give him back once I'm done with him."
In disbelief, Thor shook him. "Naruto, no!"
"Naruto, yeees!" the blond laughed.
"Return him at once!"
"Nope," a slow shake of the head spoke volumes. "Not happening, point break. Of course, if you accept my offer, you'd be able to keep an eye on him...
"No, thank you. I have more pressing matters to attend to!"
Matter such as Jane, wasting away even now...
"Then...tough."
Realizing he wouldn't win this argument, the God of Thunder deflated.
"You spoke of an invasion? Not here, I trust?"
Naruto whistled innocently and tugged him aside, drawing the Avenger off to a nearby balcony.
Briefly, Thor paused.
The whole of Asgard lay before them in all its gilded and golden glory, towering spires and lush greenery interposed by great bodies of water. People went about their daily lives, content and confident of the protection afforded to them by legions of soldiers; men and women ready to lay their lives down at a moment's notice. Serene. Calm. At peace. All was as it should be. Though the sun had yet to reach its zenith, the entire realm stood proud in tranquility. This. This was what he fought for. To protect not only this realm but all others. For them, he'd sacrifice anything, even himself if need be. So long as the realms were at peace so was he. And if that meant he had to cavort with this horned madman again, then so be it.
Said madman hadn't spoken.
"You haven't answered my question."
The Horned One regarded him out of the corner of his eye, smiling.
"Well, not your Asgard of course, but an Asgard, yes." a strange, distant look flitted across his face. "Where I'm going, suffice it to say the pantheons up there deserve a swift kick in the rear. Several, in fact. Sure you don't wanna along? I'm sure you'd get a kick out of kicking your own ass."
"I...you...that doesn't...
Thor's expression must've been telling, because his fellow blond backpedaled.
"Come on now, don't sulk! Perhaps this will change your mind...
With a flick of his wrist, it appeared.
"Aaaaaaaand there!"
A strange blood-red mist manifested at his fingertips, flowing out of his right arm like his very life. As he looked on the eerie substances swirled into the young man's palm. Writhing around his arm tendrils of deep scarlet curled inward upon themselves, relentlessly compacting themselves into a single existence. His palm formed a brief fist then opened, revealing a pure crimson gem levitating within. A singe peerless stone of unequaled worth and near cosmic power, just...dangling there. Waiting to be retrieved from his hand.
"Is that...?"
"Hmm? The Aether? Also known as the Reality Stone? You're welcome." his smile thinned as he plucked the stone out of the air. "Extricating it from her was no small task, even for me. She's lucky to be alive. You're welcome by the way. I just saved you a good hour's worth of plot. Now we just have to wait for the Dark Elves to attack and bam! Our armies wipe them out. We win! Then you join me on my little escapades, during which you brother can finally put the past behind you, prove your old man wrong, you know. That shtick. Peace for all the realms, bladdy blah blah blah...
His palm turned outward, presenting it to him.
"My gift to you. Here, take it."
Thor blinked, taken aback.
"I am grateful-
A thorn of caution stayed his hand.
Thor hesitated, palm still outstretched.
...just now...you said you had an army." Frowning, he retreated slightly. "And Dark Elves? What madness is this? What have you done?"
The Horned One deflated.
"Damn. It was going so well, too...
For all his mischief and merrymaking, Naruto seldom acted without reason, much less gave gifts to others out of the blue. The few times he'd done were always followed by absolute chaos. No. He never acted without a reason. It was a bit much to wrap his head around. On some level he knew the bedraggled blond was a deity not to be trifled with, but he so seldom made any sort of sense that none could take him seriously. His mood shifted more than the four seasons. Chaotic neutral, or so Stark had deemed him.
For him to have plucked the Aether out of Jane without so much as a demand for thanks, nay, for only a request...something was afoot.
"What did you do?"
In response, the blue-eyed deity closed his hand around the Reality Stone. When next that hand opened it lay melded with his palm, visible for all the world to see. His once open expression had turned slightly pensive, perhaps even a tough regretful by comparison. Thor refused to believe it. A fell breeze whipped through the halls of Asgard as the skies overhead darkened, rumbling with thunder. With each passing moment the wind picked up, rising into a dull roar as the heavens darkened. If he was plotting some manner of treachery...
"Alright...but you can't be mad at me."
His grip shifted upon Mjolnir.
"What. Did. You. Do?"
Naruto expression turned slightly strained.
"Well, about that, Thor...I MAY have married her."
The Norse God blinked.
"Who?"
"Hela. Your sister."
"Wait...I have a sister?"
"An older sister, yes." Naruto demurred.
"And this "Hella" you say she's your...wife?"
"Which makes us brothers, now that I think about it." the whiskered assassin mused.
"...I'm not sure anyone would want someone like you as a brother." The God of Thunder groused.
The horned one staggered, feigning injury. "You wound me, point break!"
"How did such an event transpire?"
"What can I say?" the blond laughed, revealing a gleaming emerald band on his finger. "It just happened. You should've been there; it was one hell of a ceremony. 'Sides, death and chaos go together like oil and fire. Also, she kiiiiiinda wants to conquer everything in existence, by the way. Asgard included. No big deal."
A bolt of lightning echoed Thor's words.
"WHAT?! I ought to smite you where you stand!"
"Wait, wait, wait! Its not what it sounds like!" The blond thrust up a hand before the dismayed deity could continue, "I convinced her it would better to have it out with her old man before she went berserk. After all, he's the one that sealed her away and covered up every trace of her existence, consigned her to exile and...
"You fool!" Thor throttled him! "If what you say is true, she'll not speak with my father! She'll kill him!"
"Hmm." the horned deity blinked, frowning in agreement. "When you put it that way, she might actually do that. But if there's a chance they can reconcile-
As if to deny that very statement, a distant spire crumbled into a mound of glass.
Each god exchanged a long, disbelieving look with the other.
Naruto's strained expression turned decidedly sheepish.
With a grimace, he made a mad dash for the tower.
"GottagoloveyoubroBYE!"
(...Scene Break...)
Hela exhaled.
A deeply cleansing breath flowed through her chest, up her lungs and released itself into the throne room, echoing endlessly into the palace proper behind her. She felt the power rise in her body like a dark tide; centuries of pent-up emotions demanding release. Retribution. Rage curled her fingertips, clenching them into claws. The sword in her hand felt light as a bird's feather; her body at the very peak of her power. Distant thunder rolled outside, roiling with anger, echoing her own cold fury. Lightning flashed through the darkened room, illuminating all.
She'd practiced what she would say.
Waited lifetimes for this day.
Here, to have her way.
Yet now that she finally found herself in Asgard, now that she stood upon the precipice of destiny, the Goddess of Death found she couldn't speak to her Father. Sorrow seared through her chest and grief sowed her lips shut, causing her to choke on the words. Here, in this moment, she felt like a little girl all over again. The sting of betrayal as fresh today as it had been that day, so long ago. She remembered this place. How could she not? Everything remained the same, everything beyond that filthy mosaic etched into the ceiling.
It was here that she'd been deemed unworthy.
It was here, that she'd been cast out.
Here, that she'd been betrayed.
For all her raging emotions and conflicted mental state, Odin remained as unchanging as ever. Older and grayer perhaps, his face lined with age, but still an immutable pillar; still clutching his spear, still an unmovable rock seated upon the throne. Her throne. Perhaps it was shock that stunned him into silence. Shock at seeing her freed from her prison. Perhaps he simply didn't care. He paid no heed to the storm raging outside, nor the guards she'd butchered, or even the shattered state of the room. When he finally stood he did not shout at her, did not rail and rave and demand answers.
Ah, and there it was.
"So, my daughter has returned."
Pushing himself upright with a grunt, the King's shadow loomed over her.
"I suppose I have that buffoon to thank for your freedom, then? Have you come to kill me?"
"I should." she hissed, her hand white-knuckled on her sword, voice rising with every word. "You cast me out. Banished me. Stripped me of everything! And for what? Your precious peace?! You erased the very mention of my name from history-our history!-to appease the other realms! And what good has it done you?!"
That lone eye narrowed upon her with intent, withering in its scorn.
"Everything I did to you, I did for the good of the realm-
"YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! WHY?!
The silence proved deafening.
There at last, that spark in his eye, that rare glimpse of anger, that icy disappointment; the sight of which so often reduced others to a stuttering wreck. Oddly enough, this disapproval freed her from the fetters of hesitation. She'd feared it once. Dreaded it. Once, she'd lived to please him, to prove that she was his equal on the fields of conquest. He had been her world. Her everything. Now the sight of it-of him!-only served to stir her emotions to a fever pitch. She hated him. Yet a small part of her, the girl she'd once been, loved him still. She suspected she'd never be rid of it, not truly.
In the end, Hela's response surprised even her.
A lone tear rolled down her cheek.
The words tore out of her:
"TELL ME!"
A/N: There we go.
Got a bit serious there at the end.
Suffice it to say Hela has daddy issues...
...that'll be all manner of fun to write next chapter.
After all, just about everyone thinks Naruto's as mad as a hatter.
Rightly so!
I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW!
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and a silly omake in the same verse!
Hope it makes ya smile!
(Preview/Omake!)
"Perhaps there is a you can convince me, husband. I grow tired of pointless conquest. Grant me my request and I'll cease."
"Oh? Sure, name it-
"I want a son."
"Urk."
"Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse."
"Maybe the guy who wants to WIPE OUT HALF THE UNIVERSE."
...well, yes, we know that. But the kid? Who knows what that crazy bastard wants?"
"Give me the stone."
Hela raised a hand to her mouth, quietly concealing the smile there. No, she told herself. She wasn't smiling. Not at all. Not even a little bit. She couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried.
She was Death incarnate.
What need had she for a few paltry stones?
As she looked on, Naruto held the time stone aloft, gazing up at its verdant green glow.
"After all I went through to swipe this off Strange? Let me think abou-NO."
Before Thanos could stop him, the chaotic deity swallowed it.
"Hmm. Has a bit of a minty taste. Not bad."
Then he leaped over the edge.
"Catch me if you can!"