Summary: They say curiosity killed the cat. Did it really? Or was that cat just so curious about death, that it actually wanted to meet it? Cursed with life eternal, a dimension-hopping shinobi finds his way to the Marvel movie universe and the Avengers. But will this prank-loving, ramen-eating blond be friend...or foe? Regardless, he's Not Going Home anytime soon!
They say curiosity killed the cat.
Did it? Did it really?
Or, and I'm just being the devil's advocate here folks, was the cat simply soooooo incredibly curious that it actually wanted to meet death? That has been my philosophy ever since I was cursed with eternal life. If one is curious about something, and one wants to know about it badly enough, then one ought to know about it. Whatever the cost.
Take universes for example.
Who says we have to be confined to one? What divine edict states that we must never leave the realm in which we were born? Well, I don't know what kind of PUTZ created that infernal rule, but I stopped following it a long time ago. After all, when has nothing but time and all the power in the world, ones does what one must to avoid the dark dregs of boredom.
So, after the first century, I got creative and jumped the shark, leaving the ashes of my world behind.
Since then, mine eyes have seen worlds immemorial. Innumerable. I've been just about everywhere, now.
I have held a cursed blade in my grasp-Soul Edge-and resisted what temptations it offered. I have battled the Man of Steel in hand to hand combat and emerged, victorious. I have seen warriors capable of leveling entire planets with a single punch. With. One. Punch. My boots have walked in the ashes of entire galaxies. I have shared drinks with both Gods and Demons alike; toasted to chaos and order in the same sentence, and danced with creatures of the undead.
I have unlocked-and since forgotten-the secret of life, learned countless languages, learned to travel through the very fabric of time. Batted in giant suits of armor against creatures-Kaiju-from another realm, purely for the fun of it. I have sailed countless seas and helped discover a legendary treasure called One Piece. Similarly, I have ventured under the sea and watched humanity tear itself apart. I've visited the afterlife and pranked the very gods of death themselves.
That's what is about, isn't it? Having fun, and when I can, doing right. Doesn't always turn out the way I want, but eh, I try.
My body has discovered a thousand different ways to kill, some even without using chakra. The elements themselves have bowed to me. These hands have held almost every weapon imaginable-and even created a few-learned almost every intricacy of war that can ever be offered.
I have seen, and on occasion, started the apocalypse, then lived to tell the tale. Learned to cure almost every disease, break just about every curse...except my own.
Once, I even helped save an universe from giant mechanical squids determined to destroy all sentient life. Mostly Shepard's doing, that, but I still helped..a little. Yes, giant robot squids. From space. I shit you not. And these are just a few of my adventures in the great scope of things - not even the top ten!
Of course, there was that one time I tried to recreate my past, my friends and family...yeah, it didn't end well.
My travels are many, my names, few. But if I had to pick one, a favorite amongst them all, it would be this one. The one I almost never visit, if only for fear of running out of things to enjoy here. Because if I run out of worlds to see and things to do, that means my journey will be at an end. And if its at an end, that means it will be time to return. To go home. But I don't want that-to go back to that empty world, devoid of life-airless and adrift, with nothing to do.
After all my friends, if there's one thing I've decided during this long, merry, insane journey of mine...
...I'm Not Going Home.
(Presently...)
Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, was about to jump into hell.
All around him the air felt charged; the heavy crack of thunder rolling heavily in his ears. But he knew better than to hesitate, even in this storm. Tony-otherwise known as Iron Man-was already moments ahead of him, chasing after the Asgardian who'd just gone and kidnapped Loki. To Tony it didn't matter if this one was a friendly or not, only that he retrieve their lost prize immediately. Typical Stark. That both men had jumped out of a moving jet and could fly wasn't lost on Cap, either.
It did make him a little jealous, though.
"I'd sit this one out, cap." Natasha called from the pilot's seat.
"I don't see how I can." he called back, strapping the parachute onto his chest. Years of trained practice took over, securely fastening the straps to his body with an ease born of years of repetion.
"These guys come from legend." her voice was barely audible over the rushing wind. They're basically gods."
"There's only one God, ma'am," came the answer. "And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."
"Steve, don't you dare-
Too late.
Without another word, he snatched up his shield and dove out of the plane headfirst into the storm. The world seemed to laugh at him, this flightless bug who'd leaped into his maw. Perhaps, had he lingered just a little longer, he might've received an answer to his impromptu verse, might have realized that someone had taken offense to his statement.
Natasha sighed, jerking back towards the controls. "Men...
"He's right, you know." a voice answered. "But that's so rude; I most certainly do not weareth the drapes!"
"?!"
Only years of rigorous training prevented Black Widow from yelping. It did not, however, prevent her from yanking her gun out of its holster and training it upon the unfamiliar voice. A second passed. Then another, and another, and another still, her pistol still fixated upon the newcomer in the seat opposite her.
Natasha blinked.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" she demanded of him at last, when she finally realized she wasn't seeing things. "I want answers. Now."
A hand waved lazily. "Osu, I've been through this before about a dozen different times, so lets cut the dramatics." Two fingers twitched, pointing downward. "Put the gun down, would you kindly? I'm not here to hurt ya, 'ttebayo. And you need to be flying this bird. So....fly."
Incredibly, she found herself obeying.
In place of her co-pilot sat a young man, fiddling with...was that a...gameboy? Yes, she realized, yes it was. A very old gameboy, red and battered, looking as though it had seen better days. It even had an old Pokemon cartridge lodged in the back. This, she thought, was most certainly not the S.H.I.E.L.D. operative who'd been there a moment before.
He couldn't have been more different.
His blue eyes remained focused intently on the handheld, paying no notice to her whatsoever. It gave her a chance to pay attention to him. His state of dress was almost comical in its absurdity and outlandishness; she didn't see a single matching piece anywhere amongst his odd attire.
All black jeans with light orange plating scattered haphazardly upon the joints and other odd places, the random bits of armor flowing up past a strange belt with little red-and-white spheres tethered round his waist and an equally strange meta cylinder, all the way up to an ebony chest piece, partially obscuring a shirt upon which the words, "I Am Awesome!" were proudly stitched in orange lettering. If Natasha had to guess, he looked as though he just walked out of one of those eccentric anime-cons.
What was it with this guy and orange?
And there, tethered to his back by a thick orange-of course it was orange!-strap and, somehow defying the very laws of gravity and physics themselves was a giant sword. A giant, metallic, fleshy sword, complete with a giant eyeball. It screamed vile on an almost primordial level, and just looking at it made her head hurt. How he sat in the chair with that thing was beyond her...and irrelevant! Snatching up her gun, she pointed it a him once more, only to find her hand inexplicably magnetized to the very holster she'd drawn from not a moment before.
"Who in the...?"
"Just a second there, Red," he murmured distractedly, "I'm trying to catch this bugger without cheating. Y'know, its just so much more satisfying when you don't use God Mode for everything." Bright blue eyes, gazing fiercely at the device in his hands, his whiskered cheeks, pinked in an intent scowl. A pair of glimmering red horns jutting up violently from his otherwise pale saffron hair, lending him an almost demonic appearance as his fingers frantically tapped at the buttons-
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he crowed proudly, shooting out of the seat with such force he nearly banged his head on the ceiling in his enthusiasm. "I finally caught me a Zapdos! Take that, ya damn game! Meet thy master, 'ttebayo!" with a triumphant roar he hurled his prized possession like a madman. Impossibly it didn't shatter; instead the small device caromed harmlessly off the hulls to land back in his hand, where he tucked it away moments later, grinning.
Then he noticed her expression.
"What?" came the frown. "I don't have a problem; Pokemon is perfectly respectable game for adults. Of course, its nothing like living in the actual world itself, but eh, that got old after awhile. Still kept some souvenirs, though-and I'm rambling, aren't I?"
By now, Natasha was sorely confused. Try as she might, she couldn't draw her gun on him and pilot at the same time; in the end she was left glowering at the intruder. "Who in the hell are you?" she demanded of him again. Incredibly, this time, the rogue answered.
"Ah," his hands clapped together once slowly, mockingly. "And now we get reach the heart of the matter. I'm Naruto, your average orange, ramen-eating, prank-loving, dimension hopping deity, who happened to be in the neighborhood when I heard Stripes down there knocking my fashion sense.
There was a silence. And then.
And then:
...what?"
"I was quite offended!" Naruto huffed, throwing his arms up in the air! "In all my lifetimes, I only wore drapes once, and that, was when I was a teenager! I certainly don't wear them now! And quite frankly, I don't see the appeal. I mean, having anything long like hair or a cape only allows you to get grabbed and-
"Wait, wait, wait." Natasha shook her head, the motion sending her red curls bouncing "Let me get this straight. You, a god-
"Yup." his head bobbed.
-came here-
"Aye."
-because someone insulted your fashion sense."
"Also, yes. I intend to leave this plane shortly and kick his ass for said remark."
"Then how did you...?"
"Hmm?" he looked at her as if she'd grown an extra red. "How did I what?" He followed her gaze to the now empty seat.
"Ah, you mean the other guy. Your co-pilot. I took his place."
"You...wha?"
"It wasn't hard, really. Just a little, temporal displacement, swapping his position for mine, and...you have no idea what I'm talking about.
"A god." her deadpan was barely concealed. "So you've been everywhere." Natasha didn't believe him. Not for a second. In all her years, after everything she'd seen, she found it impossible to believe that God could be a smart-mouthed blond with horns and a passion for cosplaying. She assumed everything bar that hideous sword on his back was quite fake.
Ah, how little she knew.
"Oh, here, there, everywhere." the blond yawned, lounging on the wall beside her. "Dimension-hopping gets a little boring after awhile, so, here I am, once , this one happens to be favorite universe. I only stayed for a day, last time. Seems things have changed while I was gone." a hand banged harshly against the hull. "Pretty sure the worst danger was a world war, the last time I visited. Can't have anyone messing with a place like this, ya know? I happen to like this universe, but since you're being such a stick in the mud about all this...I think I'll take my leave!"
"You can't just walk out of the plane, the drop would-
"Lalalala, can't hear you!" Naruto called as he stomped towards the still-open ramp. "You never take me anywhere nice!"
"I...you...what...?! That doesn't make any sense! Where are you going?!"
"For a walk!"
Then he dove out of the plane, cackling.
A/N: And there we go. I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he's (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself and (3) he's still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
NARUTO VS IRON MAN, THOR, AND CAP NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW!
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...
(Preview)
Naruto stared up at the Hulk, the great, towering green figure before him and actually gulped. He wasn't afraid; quite the contrary in fact. It was just...wow that guy was big. It had been a long time since someone had actually hit him, actually caused him pain. And by that glowering snort, he suspected the great green giant wasn't quite so jolly about him at the moment.
"Alright big guy, calm down." He placated, raising a hand. "I really don't wanna kill ya...that'd suck, ya know? So lets just be a good boy, Banner, and-
It was the wrong thing to say. Never mention puny Banner!
"HULK SMASH PUNY GOD!"
With a yelp, he ducked under the giant fist and ran like the hounds of hell were at his heels.
"NARUTO NOT WANT TO BE SMASHED!"