On the journey back I saw very little of Klaus, not that I wanted to see him. He actively avoided being in my proximity and I feigned ignorance while refusing to let my eyes go anywhere near him. There was a tenseness in the atmosphere that I could feel in my unmoving neck. The feeling however, went unnoticed by the rest of the team who continued as usual. There was chatter among them and they did not notice if the two of us hardly contributed to the conversations. Everyone was simply happy to be going back to people they cherish. We were only gone a few weeks and yet they had missed their family and friends so much that I wondered if there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Why else do I feel nothing? It is a strange feeling having nothing dear to my heart.
All I feel is directed at the here and now, which is my annoyance with Klaus. I only live in the past when it is something that pains me. He has been taking up too much of my life, and with that so too has anger and frustration. It consumes me entirely until I think that I have become the physical manifestation of it. I have a feeling he takes up most of everyone's life, because he was born to be special, created for it. He was written into existence to be someone greater than the rest, so it is only natural that our lives revolved around his happily ever after. In contrast we exist as nothing, our existence easy to wash away like writings on the sand.
As we continued to move through the forest we had encountered on our journey there, my mind scattered to many places. I could not place my finger on why my mind was so hectic, it just was. I was concentrating on everyone in our team and no one at all. As my mind came in and out of focus, I could feel heaviness being pulled into me from all directions. It was similar to looking at a light with unfocused eyes, the light being pulled into the black hole that was me. It started off gradual, the colours coming into sight and seeping into me. They coiled around my core tightly as if trying to suffocate me, until I could no longer feel myself.
It wasn't only me that was changing. All of our steps had become unsteady and rough but for different reasons. We were polar opposites, me and the others. I was becoming heavier while they were being emptied for what they had. I could not stop it. For the first time I knew exactly when to stop but was not able to carry it out. My mind and heart had opposing ideas and my conscience was paying the price by being ripped to shreds between them.
Around me everything had come to a halt as members of the team began gasping for air, some doubled over in pain that I could not begin to imagine. Meanwhile, my knees were giving out and could no longer handle the weight of my monstrous body. I only prayed that the wind would remain steady in this way, because I knew that a gust of wind was all it took to have us on the ground crawling like wounded animals.
"What is happening?!" Someone yelled but none of us could respond, too preoccupied with regaining our strength or merely surviving. My mind was so muddled that I could not even tell who had asked that question. I registered the words but I could just about make sense of it. It took all the strength in me to focus on minimising the pain I felt shooting through me that I had none left to make sense of anything around me.
Instead of responding with words we gripped onto one another, to express our shared pains. Perhaps knowing that this was a collective experience would make it easier to deal with, but it didn't. My chest was burning from the inside out and I wondered how much I could deal with the pain of the blisters before I lost consciousness. Holding both hands to my chest, I knelt over and dug my fists into the flesh over my ribs. If I could I would have ripped it out of my body, the pain so severe that I could no longer think at all, let alone properly.
Steadying my breaths I tried to slow everything down, because even if everything had stopped it was still erratic. There was too much all at once.
Inhale
Exhale
Each breath was an exhalation of pain and slowly I could feel the grip on my chest lightening. My body was so full of colour that it would have been beautiful had it not been painfully overwhelming. In the midst of our difficulties our worst nightmare appeared once more. The footsteps. Since the air was still, it was far easier to notice the sounds this time. But we could not do anything about it. We were watching ourselves from afar, walking closer to our doom.
Clenching our bodies to comfort ourselves, we tightened our grip to double as a pathetic attempt at a shield. This time it was clear that waiting it out was not an option. We were prey that had no chance of escape and the reality was setting in as we became accustomed to the pain. The footsteps continued to scurry around us until we were fully surrounded. With nowhere to go, I closed my eyes hoping for a quick end. I couldn't even wish for safety because that felt so far out of my reach.
I dug my face into the ground, smelling the fresh earth make it's way through my body. I was burying myself alive, making myself as small as possible to hide unintentionally all of my vital points.
Well that solidified it, this was a targeted attack. From the first ambush to this one, they waited for the chance and there was no talking our way out of it.