Prologue
Why?
Out of all living things, none ever questions why.
A Lion doesn't ask why it needs to hunt, a Zebra doesn't ask why it's being chased, an ant doesn't ask why it's being stepped on. And of course, they don't question themselves, who created them, why it created them and what their "purpose" is. They don't question their being.
Only us humans do so. Out of all living things, only humans question everything. Constantly asking that question.
We need answers so we can't stop asking. We don't just "foolishly" live and do things, we look for a reason, we aren't that "dumb" that we'll do everything just because.
When your mom tells you to go throw away the trash, when a teacher yells at you when you talk to your friend, when you got hit, when you cry. We always ask "why".
Some of us won't even accept being alive if they didn't have answers for that, if they didn't have "god."
Does all that make us "superior" to other animals? Because of course, we don't just "foolishly live", give us the damn reasons first!
Then, superior or perhaps, inferior? Or yeah, maybe it doesn't matter.
"Why" the question only human beings use. And the question that hunts me especially.
My name is Junsei. I'm at the last year of high school and I'm currently being tested while that question pops up inside my head. In fact, it's always there. Questioning everything I do or don't. Everything that happens.
You can call it "me" you can call it my brain, you can call it a different "I," it doesn't matter, that person or thing or phenomenon that keeps questioning me is what I hate most in this world. It doesn't let me breathe.
"You have 30 minutes left for this test." That's what my teacher said just now, and of course, "he" or "I" wonder why.
Why do I only have 30 minutes left? Isn't this test's purpose to examine my knowledge? My ability to answer correctly and see how I handle those questions we got taught how to answer in school? So why? Why does it matter how long it takes me? If I'm not able to finish in time but answer all other questions correctly, does it mean I didn't do well enough? Are you testing my speed or my knowledge? 50 minutes, 30 minutes, 5 seconds, why does it matter how long it takes me if I'm right? Of course maybe the entire day would be too much, but why does it matter if I need 3 hours instead of 2 if I'll be answering correctly? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why.
Those are the rules. That's what my teacher said and that's it, nothing to do about it.
While I kept questioning why, I already finished my test. It doesn't even concern me, I always finish in time. And yet, I ask why. Don't ask me why.
Chapter 1:
"Remember that time when I first saw you, before I even knew your name?"
"Oh, that time I was outside skipping a class?"
"Yes, that time. I was a new teacher here back then. I didn't know anything. Didn't even know I'll become your teacher."
"Yes, what about it?"
"I remember how I approached you and you didn't even notice me, you were listening to music and reading your book and I've been trying to make you notice me for some time"
"Hahaha, sorry about that."
Moments like those are part of the reason I like to read and listen to music. I don't want to be approached or hear anything, not even myself, I want to be focused on something but still, he approached me…
"Hahaha, yes, that was embarrassing. But do you know why I approached you back then?"
"Because I skipped my class?"
"Well that might be a part of it but people skipping classes isn't that rare, I don't usually go to talk to them, especially when I'm not their teacher."
"Huh…? Then why did you?"
What other reason can he have for bothering me? If not that, he doesn't really have a reason, I wasn't really bothering anyone.
"You reminded me of myself a little bit."
…..huh? What? Am I similar to him? Am I going to end up as a teacher? Shit…
"Hahaha, I know you probably didn't want to hear that but yes, you reminded me of myself."
"I see…"
"Remember when I told you it wasn't exactly because you skipped class?"
"Yes…?"
"It isn't entirely true. It isn't because you just skipped a class. It is because you skipped class but stayed at school."
What? What's he saying?
"If you skip a class, why not go home? That's what I thought. As if you are obligated to stay here, but not to school. If you felt obligated to school, you would've been in your class back then. And that made me think, why are you here? I saw a bit of me in that. And that interested me. Thus, I approached you. It's that simple"
"But, how did you even know I was skipping class if you never saw me before?"
"Oh? I wonder? Hahaha. I guess, I just had a feeling you did."
Had a feeling? That's crazy…
It was exactly what I did.
When He first approached me his first question was "Are you skipping a class?"
I always wondered how that random teacher I never saw before knew, because after all, not every student outside of a class is skipping, I doubt he asks every person he seed outside...
"You might've reminded me of myself when I was younger but I don't think we're exactly similar as well."
….
"You seemed to lack one thing I had."
Lack? What? What is he talking about?
"A dream."
"A dream…?"
"You can say I just had a feeling you were lacking that as well. And yes, that might be arrogant of me to think so. Guessing all those things about you as if I understood you. I just felt like I did. I felt like you were lacking. Lacking a dream."
What does he mean? I really don't understand him. Not at all. What does he want?
"When I was younger, about 15 years old, I had a dream of becoming a pilot. I remembered how excited I was the first time I flew abroad. That exciting day without any sleep. Walking with my family at the airport and seeing the big planes out the window. The big plane, which could move freely in the sky, excited me. I was scared on my first flight, but while we were in the sky, I enjoyed it. Looking at everything I knew and the things I used to see as big, looking so tiny from up here. The big buildings looking tiny as if they barely exist, barely have any meaning. And the sea, the enormous unending sea which I could barely even swim in for more than 10 minutes, felt possible, felt like it could end, we were just crossing it from the sky, after all.
That day, the first flight was unforgettable for me and for many more kids around the world, I'm sure. So I wanted to become a pilot, I wanted to make kids feel how I felt, I wanted to move freely in the sky. And when I heard they get a lot of money, I wanted it even more!
But yet, look at me, that dream couldn't be farther from the truth, I'm very far away from getting the amount of money they get… So yes, that dream might have been too big for me, as for a fish in an aquarium thinking it has the sea. Still, I think that dream is still a part of me. It made me who I am, in a way. And I don't regret dreaming about it for a bit. "
….
"My point with that long soliloquy is to ask you, Junsei, this is your last school year... Have you thought about what comes next? What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you have any kind of big dream? Are you a fish in an aquarium dreaming of the sea? Or perhaps… that aquarium is all you can see?"
…..
We might have been moving a bit fast over here so let's get back to square zero.
My name is Junsei and I'm in my last school year. My last year… 12 years of education, my life for as long as I remember, my "job," my past, present and as people say, the thing that will decide my future. All of it coming to an end this year. Of course there's college and studying never really ends but yet, this is my last year of school, everything I know until now is about to come to an end with that one last year.
I wonder what the various opinions about this are, I wonder if most people are going to spend that year grieving over it going to end or being excited that they finally get to start something new.
Those 12 years, school is hard to summarize, how can you summarize 12 years of your life? Can it be summarized so easily? Can you decide whether you want it to end or maybe you just think life will be much better without it? Perhaps you don't want it to end but is it because you like it? Or is it because you are scared of what comes next? Your daily life, can you really replace it, can you have one clear answer?
For me, If I were to sum it up, to conclude those 12 years into a sentence… Those 12 years, full of little moments, including those moments like right now, at your teacher's office… For me, it'd be…
I absolutely abhor it.
Back to the topic, that's what's happening to me right now. Right after leaving that classroom, after I was done with my test, I was approached by my teacher, Kaito.
"Be at my office in 5 minutes." That's what he told me.
And here I am, at his office hearing that monologue and expected to provide an answer.
What do I want to do when I grow up? I wonder…
"A dream you say? My future you say? Is that even decided by me?"
"Your future? Of course it's decided by you, who else gets to decide it?"
You. It's you, it's school, it's my parents, it's society."
Aren't my grades going to decide whether I go to a good school and what I can or can't learn and do in the future? Isn't it all decided now? By those 12 years? By grading me? Isn't it all you?
Of course your answer to that would be exactly like the principal's, I already had that discussion with her. And all she had to say was blah blah blah "It's all in your hands, if you chose to work hard in school, to devote yourself to studying, to sacrifice a bit from now to a good future, you could do anything, absolutely anything in the world."
And yes, I'm not stupid enough to say 'that's wrong, I have no choice!'
No, she isn't entirely wrong but, aren't those just pretty words?
If everyone were capable of that, wouldn't everyone do that? If so, why are there only a few people who succeed? A few people who are content?
Yes, if I worked harder, I could choose my future a lot more but being a hard worker, having that capability, even my personality, it isn't decided entirely by me. Ever since I was born, I didn't get to choose. My parents… they raised me as they wanted to, as their ideal, that's what they tried doing. Even my genes and physical capabilities were already decided by them.
Furthermore, my teachers raised me, the environment, the friends I hangout with, everything is shaping me to who I am, as a baby, as a little boy, do I have a choice in that? A marionette and those are my strings.
Of course, I wouldn't say I have no control over my body and blame everything on others, I'm the problem too, but who am I? Why am I like that? Do you think I don't want to work harder and make my life better? That's just foolish. Those are pretty words. So no, I don't get to decide, I don't get to dream. Once again, I'm but a doll with emotions.
"I see. But Junsei, there is one thing you don't understand. Dreaming isn't going to become reality. When I asked you what you want to be, what you want to do, excuse me for that but, I didn't ask it thinking it's possible for you. Your life isn't 100% your own, that's how it is, we humans need each other so yes, you don't get to decide completely and grades, other people might decide for you. But there's one thing that you can do. To dream. That's entirely and 100% yours. And if you don't do that… you have no one to blame but you, Junsei."
…..
With that, and a few more small talk, our conversation ended.
I left Kaito's office and as I walked, I saw a lot of people gathering and talking in the hallway which made me feel uncomfortable. I hate crowds and especially when I recognize them. Like a Zebra in Lion's territory, I walk, trying to avoid people I know and eye contact, trying to avoid being approached. I know it's foolish thinking as if I were a popular girl being chased but in reality, no one really cares that much about me.
But yet, I am scared of being talked to. Can you blame me after that conversation with Kaito though?
Scared might be misleading, I just don't really like anyone here so I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't like conversations too much, I'm bad at those. I got to the rooftop, a place where no one really goes to and my favorite place in school. I like it because it's quiet and you can feel the breeze very well, just a comfortable place for people like me. But I guess I was wrong.
As I sit down, I see a girl leaning on the fence, staring at the setting sun and the fading color of the clouded sky, her long black hair keeps swinging with the wind. As if everything is a paid actor. As if she's the main character of a movie. Everything is just designed to be of help to her. Everything is for her to use. The world is bound to her.
I can't help but stare at this girl which I see for the first time in my life. I know I am not great with conversations and mostly, I hate them. But now, I just wish I could talk to her. I wish I could approach her and start a conversation. But no, I would just look like a creep, like the ugly boy who gets the "ew" reaction from a girl in a movie.
As I keep staring at this scenematic view occurring in front of me, the girl turns around and her eyes lock up with mine.
…
"..."
Long silence. The world stood still. Our eyes locked.
...
"..."
...…
"..."
Oh, as I come back to reality, I avert my eyes as quickly as possible, I start shivering and my heart is racing, I feel myself getting red. What am I a fricking tomato?
I wonder if she likes tomatoes?...
No no what am I thinking? What's wrong with me?!
"Fuyuki Toa. Class 3-A."
Huh?
"..."
"...."
? Is she talking to me?
Oh wait, is she introducing herself?
"Junsei. Class 3-D."
"Oh, same year as me, I see."
"Yeah…"
No wonder she doesn't know me, why would a girl like her know about my existence? In fact, I didn't even know a girl like her existed in my school year either.
Well, I don't pay attention to most people from my school year…
"Hmm, Fuyuki, what are you doin…
"The world, it doesn't care about me."
"...huh?"
"People always care for each other, we humans need someone or something to care about us."
"...yes?..."
"But the world itself doesn't care. I like that."
"I see…"
"…"
....
It's too quiet. But what can I say to that?! I can't keep silent. Answering with yes, no, I need to say something. What can I say? And what's up with this girl? The world definitely seems to care about her. It just looked like the world obeyed her. As if she's its creator. Definitely looked like it cares to me...
Me however… me… what about me?...
"I'll go back now, see you aro…
"I wish the world cared."
"...?"
"If the world cared about me, if the sky, the sea, the wind cared about me. Noticed me. Said hi. I think… I would too."
"..."
"...."
What am I saying?! She'll think I'm a weirdo now. Here you go Junsei, you ruined it again. You can't keep one conversation up without putting it to ruin. Wish it cared? Said hi?! You should've kept silent.
"....."
"...."
" I see."
"Yeah…"
"I'll go now. Bye, Junsei, perhaps we'll meet again."
"Yeah, bye…"
...…..
What was that? She's already gone by now but I'm still frozen trying to process what just happened.
Meet again she said? Haha, I don't think she'll ever even look in my direction again. A girl like her? No way. I don't believe that. She'll forget I ever existed by tomorrow. At least I hope she'll after what I said! But yes, I was just passing her time. A toy for her to use, I mean if the world bows to her who am I not to?
But yes, a distraction, that's all I am. I'll get back to being just another boy in the background. Forgotten. Insignificant. Irrelevant.
But yes, that's how it should be.
...
Fuyuki, huh?.....
We might meet again or perhaps we won't, but one thing is certain. I don't think I'll forget her anytime soon.