Because the human ego is such a precious thing to its possessor, and because a person will go to such extremes to defend against what he perceives as threats to his ego, the word egotism has a negative connotation.
Let's look at the other side of egotism. If it can cause people to do silly, irrational and destructive things, it can also cause them to act nobly and heroically.
What is egotism anyway?
Edward Bok, an editor and humanitarian, said that what the world calls ego and conceit is really a "divine spark" planted in man, and that only those who had "lighted the divine spark within them" ever accomplished great things.
Whatever name you want to give it: human dignity, personality, or uniqueness... deep within the heart of everyone there is something that is important and demands respect. Every human being is a special, individual personality, and the most powerful drive in any person is to defend this important something against all enemies.
This is why you cannot treat people as machines, as numbers, or as masses and get away with it. Every effort that has been made to deprive humans of this individual worth has failed. It is more powerful than armies and prison camps. It proved more powerful than feudal lords who tried to turn people into serfs. It proved more powerful than Hitler's armies. And, it set the stage for our own "Land of the Free". Our Declaration of Independence is really a declaration of independence for the individual.
It is also important to note that our Declaration of Independence places the real worth of an individual as a gift of God. "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men... are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights."
This is not a book on religion; but in the final analysis, you cannot separate religion and human relations. Unless you believe that there is a Creator who has endowed us with unalienable rights, with an innate worth, you cannot very well believe in people. Henry Kaiser said that you would automatically practice good human relations if you would remember that every individual is important, because every individual is a child of God.
This is also the only true basis for self-esteem. The person who realizes that they are "something" not because of what they have done or how good they have been, but by the grace of God endowing them with an innate worth, develops a healthy self esteem. The person who doesn't realize this tries to gain significance by making money; gaining power or celebrity; or in other obvious ways. Not only are they what we call "egotists", when we use that word in its negative sense, but their continual hunger for self-esteem is what causes most of the trouble in the world.
Four facts of life to print indelibly on your mind:
1. We are all egotists.
2. We are more interested in ourselves than in anything else.
3. Every person you meet wants to feel important and wants "to amount to something".
4. There is a craving in everyone for the approval of others, so that he can approve of himself.
We are all ego-hungry. And it is only when this ego is at least partially satisfied that we can forget ourselves; take our attention off ourselves and give it to something else. Only those who have learned to like themselves can be generous and friendly with others.
What makes people self-centered and conceited? We used to think that the trouble with the egotist was that they thought too highly of themselves. We thought that if that person would give up their high self-regard, that they would be "cured. The old methods society used to use to knock some of the self-importance out of these contrary, hard-to-get- along with individuals never worked. All they ever did was make the other person even more hostile, and his ego even more sensitive. The reason these methods never worked is simple. We now know, without a doubt, that the self-centered, egotistical person is not suffering from too much self-esteem; but too little.
If you are on good terms with yourself, you are on good terms with others. Once a person begins to like themselves better, than they are able to like others better.Once they get over their painful dissatisfaction with themselves, they are less critical and more tolerant with others.
Ego-hunger is as universal and natural as the hunger for food. And food for the ego serves the same purpose as food for the body: self-preservation. The body needs food to survive. And the ego, or unique individuality of each person, needs respect, approval, and sense of acomplishment.
A starved ego is a mean ego. Comparing the ego to the stomach goes a long way toward explaining why people act as they do. A man who eats three good meals a day gives little thought to his stomach. But, let a man go without food for a day or two, become really hungry, and his whole personality changes. He becomes more critical; nothing pleases him, and he snaps at people. It will do no good to tell him that his problem is that he is stomach-conscious and that he must get his mind off his stomach. There is only one way to cure him and that is to acceed to nature's demand for survival. Nature has placed an instinct in each creature that says, "YOU and your basic needs come first." He must eat before he is capable of giving his attention to anything else.
It is very much the same for the self-commered person. For a healthy, wholesome personality, Nature demands a certain amount of self-acceptance and self approval. It does no good to scold a self-centered person and tell them to take their mind off themselves. They cannot get their mind off themselves until their ego-hunger has been satisfied. Only then will they take their attention off themselves and give it to work, to other people, or to whatever is necessary
When self-esteem is at a high level, people are easy to get along with. They are cheerful, generous, tolerant, and willing to listen to others' ideas. They have taken care of their own primary needs and are able to think about the needs of others. Their own personalities are so strong and secure that they are willing to take risks. They can afford to be occasionally wrong and can admit that they have made a mistake. They can be criticized and slighted, and take it in stride, for these things only make a small dent in their self-esteem and they have plenty more left.
It is a well-known fact that the man at the top is usually easier to deal with than his underlings. The story is told of a private in World War I who shouted, "Put out that damn march!" only to find to his chagrin that the offender was General "Black Jack" Pershing. When he tried to stammer out an apology, General Pershing patted him on the back and said, "Just be glad that I'm not a second Lieutenant" You have to lower yourself to be petty.
When self-esteem is at a low ebb, trouble comes easily. And when self-esteem gets low enough, almost anything can become a threat. To that person, a critical look or a harsh word can seem like a calamity The sensitive souls who see a dig or double meaning in even the most innocent remark are suffering from low self-esteem. And the braggart, the show-off and the bully have the same problem.
To deal with the trouble caused by low self-esteem in others: help them like themselves better. When an arrogant person attempts to "put you in your place" you can understand this behaviour by remembering two things. First, he needs desperately to increase his own self-importance and is attempting to do so by beating you down. Second, he is afraid. His self-esteem is at such a low ebb that one good put down by you would shatter it altogether. And, although he is not certain that you would take a shot at his self-importance, he cannot afford to take that chance. The only safe strategy he can use is to put you down before you see him for what he really is. Do not add to the trouble by trying to beat him down. Avoid sarcastic, cutting remarks and arguing. If you "win," you will only further decrease his ebbing supply of self-esteem, and make him harder to deal with than before. Instead, feed his hungry ego; turn a lion into a lamb, and he will stop growling and snapping at you. And this tactic works on everyone, not just difficult personalities. Anyone is more agreeable, more understanding and more co-perative if you feed the ego... not with insincere flattery, but with genuine compliments and real praise. Look for good points in those you deal with; things about which you can praise them.
Form the habit of paying at least five sincere compliments each day and watch how much smoother your relations with others become. Help others like themselves better. And do not attempt to apply this in a superior, patronizing manner. If you do, your assumption of superiority will only antagonize.
The First Law of Human Relations is: "People act. or fail to act . largely to enhance their own egos." When you are trying to persuade someone to act in a certain way, and logic and reasoning fail, try a reason that will enhance his ego. Give others a personal reason to help you.
A while back, I was in a city that was hosting a national convention. Unexpected business developments required me to spend the night. Having no reservation, I went to a hotel where I had frequently stayed. Working my way through the crowd at the front desk trying to get rooms, I got the attention of a familiar clerk.
"Well, Les," he apologized, "you should have let us know you were commg. I can't do anything for you under the circumstances."
"It looks like we have a problem," I replied, "but I know that if there's anyone in town who can find a solution, it's you. If you can't find me a room, I might as well give up and sleep in the park."
"I don't know," he said, "but stick around for 30 minutes and I'll see if I can come up with something."
The upshot was that he remembered a small living room used for informal conferences that could easily be turned into a bedroom by moving in a spare bed. I got the room and he got a sense of accomplishment and enhanced his ego by proving to both of us that, "If anyone can do it, I can."
Help others to like themselves better; satisfy their hunger for self-esteem.