Nice and cozy is the feeling everyone wants on their Sunday's. That's what I was feeling on my weekend. Cool and pleasant breeze of spring was adding to the coziness of the environment. Sitting on my comfiest couch in my black pajamas and white sweatshirt, I took a sip of my herbal tea. Scent of cinnamon lingered in my room as well as added comfort to my mind. I stretched my legs. My hair was still wet from the shower I just took. I let them dry naturally, as the mixed fragrance of my shampoo and shower gel was adding up to this cozy weekend. And here it was, a pile of files, papers and notebooks waiting for my attention.
This whole week was a bit relaxing. Maybe, spring did make an impression on people's mood. And it is true weather has some kind effect on a person's mind. You feel less aggressive, less hate and less anger if your surroundings are calm and peaceful.
Catherine had been more responsive and expressive for the whole two weeks. She was being vocal about what she likes or not. Her school was going to start soon this month. She didn't want to talk about it and was still reluctant to social interaction. Something still left to be talked out.
I took a notebook under the big pile of files, papers. Black leather cover. Simple and classy. But I did think it was too simple for a teenager. I opened it. Off white color of its pages were a bit crumbled or maybe too much, which I decided to ignore as I started to have a keen look on what was written in it. Words were scattered or more like thrown right from the mind in mostly a meaningless manner. But it was my job to find meaning from it. It was not totally random. There were still some direct answers to my questions like, there was a question: what are you afraid about the most and why? She answered, future because it's scary. Okay, there was a very little explanation about why it was scary but at least she responded. On some pages she wrote things like, mom told me about her school days. It should be very difficult for her. See, not only herself but her mother was also unwinding. Talking about her own struggles. Empathy is a very needed trait in making someone feel normal. Catherine's mother did that and also made Catherine feel empathetic for her. Shifting of roles, a technique I was taught in behavioral psychology to trick the state of minds. Being in a listening position instead of just saying. Consuming energies of others instead of just letting out.
It felt nice that they were communicating. Finding reasons to turn to each other, instead of just blaming each other. Being out of the bubble.
It would be a lie if I said I wasn't proud of myself that I did bring out this side of her, but it would have been useless if she didn't try herself. She was also trying to be something. Of course she was just going through puberty, and she didn't know that she had a world to see, when she tried to end her life. And when I just showed her what she was missing out to explore, and she was so… lively than anyone can imagine. Like, on our last meeting;
"What inspired you to become a therapist" she said, playing with a pencil, twirling it in her fingers. Bringing my attention to her while pouring juice in the glass. She had just come. Making herself comfortable on my couch. She was dressed more neatly not just today, but the whole week. Not that she wasn't in baggy clothes, but her off white sweatshirts and dark blue baggy jeans were not wrinkled at all. Her hair combed nicely and were pinned up, no messy strands were seen on her face. She came prepared. And was calm and maybe excited.
"I think it just felt right to me, when we had to choose majors in psychology. I was always interested in human behaviors and stuff like that, "wiggling my eyebrows as I placed the glass in front of her which she grabbed instantly. I sat down on my couch, facing her. And then I continued, "Also I had consulted with my professors. But, why are you asking?" I inquired, blessing my taste buds with the sip of my herbal tea. Gulping a full glass of pineapple juice in just a moment she stared at me. My lips curled at her kitten gaze.
"I-uh-just, you just seem so perfect for that," she stated, trying to mask her shyness. "Really?" I questioned, my eyebrows arched at her statement.
"You are just so good at listening, and that's very important in your profession. I just wonder, if I would ever find what is my specialty, So that I can pursue it as my profession." she said nervously, avoiding eye contact with me.
"That's very- observant of you, Catherine," me calling her name brought her eyes back to me. "My professors used to say the same thing to me, that I should choose therapeutic psychology, because listening is so important in this profession and apparently I am good at this." I placed my tea cup on my side table. Straightening my posture, I said in a very excited tone, "See! We just found out that you are a very observant person, it's going to help you with your career" luckily I got her interested again. She blushed.
"Observant? That could be anyone and what career will I find with this?".
"Number one, not everyone is not observant, that's rare. Secondly, many professions need a keen observance like arts or maybe a doctor," I chuckled at the end of my sentence, making her giggle.
"A doctor? I don't know why but it feels - funny," she said, while her lips were wide open, ready to let out a laugh at the end of her sentence. Which she did, that made me accompany her laughter.
Colors of spring inspired me to wear the indigo colored dress shirt, waiting for me to wear it from last spring. Well, today was the day, finally. The color was not too vibrant as someone would expect, having shades of lavender in it. I paired it with dark blue dress pants. Usually, I don't dress that formal. But still I do keep some dress code for my work. My hair was slicked back. Why? I don't know. I just felt like. I think life is easy if you don't overthink. But believe me doing this, I mean not thinking beyond the limit, is not easy. Because there is no one to judge or tell you that you are overdoing. People's judgements are sometimes a blessing in disguise. And that's where people usually fall. In a sea of thoughts. No one to control them. No one to stop them. Controlling yourself is self-therapy. Also doing what you love is a free dopamine. This is what we live for, a shot of dopamine or a dose of serotonin. Just to feel good. Even if it's for a millisecond and it runs in our blood as a drug. That's why addiction exists. Just a shot of cocaine to give you hours of the feeling you are craving for and what you cannot get in real life. And that's where you lose the difference of what's real and what's not. But a very hidden and a very dirty secret is that dopamine release addiction is not just related to the drugs. It could be a habit, overthinking and may be moments that you spend with someone and you think everything is okay. That's not a problem, usually you can name it love or infatuation. But it is an issue when you don't want to realize that you have to face the world. A world that would not be as addicting as it is. It won't give you that pleasure rush. You have to work it out yourself. And that's what life is.
That was not the first time I was seeing her with that rough, disheveled hairs, white tank top with an oversized hoodie over it with her very casual black pajamas. Sitting on my couch, legs folded, biting her nails not that I mind her being this casual. But it did remind me of our first session, and that was not a nice thing to remember. Missing two of her sessions and showing up like this definitely felt not good.