All you want in life are reasons. Some reasons are more appealing than others. That makes us do what we are doing. Being able to satisfy yourself with reasons is fortune. Because being clueless and still doing the stuff, is just not right. And it's temporary. Until it breaks the chain of compromising emotions. You can force your body but not your reasoning. And it's a slow poison. Until you find your way and you do. That's why we keep living.
Bright inked, stable and meaningful were the words, as I read the notebook. Which she gave me as she stepped in the room. Each question was answered very nicely. But nothing additional was there.
Her black jumpsuit with a white high neck underneath coincidentally matched with my white sweatshirt paired with plain black jeans. Winter was giving its chill. Although it's not my favorite season, it's still necessary to be out of my comfort zone. Her hair was now touching her shoulder. Combed nicely with a pearl on the side. She was completely different, more girly if that's what you say. Not in baggy clothes. Not that I wanted her to change, but still I wondered if she was doing this to fit in. But I let it slide. It wasn't the only thing I decided not to ask her. There were many, since she started her school a month ago.
"I don't know what you said to her, but thank you she is ready to attend the school." were the words Emma said, week after that session. I didn't focus on the topic about school, kids or teachers. All I talked about was about her and only her. Because, that was the point.
She attended her sessions regularly. And she was good. Talking about her way to school, telling me about some subjects and starting new hobbies. In the flow of conversation, she did tell me about kids in school. But she never said a word about how she is doing. How she is dealing with them. What is she going through right now? Is she feeling a change or not? And most of all is she okay. Also, I didn't ask her. Because I felt it right. She seemed so genuine to me. She was trying new things. Like cycling, swimming, and dressing differently. She was exploring. Wanting to know about things and most of all herself. That was all I deduced but she never confessed this to me. And it still gave me chills if she was not what I thought and she was in the worst condition. Human brain is complex, surely.
She took a sip of chamomile tea that she mentioned in her last session that she has started taking on a regular basis. I made a mental note to myself, and served chamomile tea instead of juice. Also cold weather was demanding a warm drink. She never liked sweets, chips or brownies as snacks. In fact, she always refused to eat, saying she likes to feel light while having a conversation. Of course, she was different from kids of her age.
"Mom was saying hi to you," I heard her say, placing the cup on the table. Passing a smile to me, making her blue eyes shine.
"Say hi to her for me too" I voiced out, trying to radiate the same energy.
Her mother was very happy. She told me Catherine has started showing interest in cooking. And that she made her pancakes for breakfast that day. I felt it completely unnecessary to tell her how nervous she was and was on the phone with me the whole time. I was up at five in the morning till seven and couldn't go back to sleep after such a pleasant morning. Later on she thanked me by baking me muffins. And they were absolutely so delicious. I was shocked to hear that she doesn't find sweet tastes very likable. Not because I have a sweet tooth but because she was making it for her mother and me, although she doesn't like that herself. There was much to explore in herself than in the world.
Today's conversation was the same as this whole month was. Light yet energetic. Filled with giggles. Coming to end with no hard feelings. Yet, my curiosities still left unspoken.
"You know what-" she spoke, straightening herself ready to bid goodbye.
"Hmm?" I responded. Tilting my head, a little.
"You say 'of course' a lot. Like you use this word so much," her blue eyes were intentionally bulging.
"Yeah," I released a chuckle. Again very observant of her.
"It's a very great way to show your agreement. Like telling them that whatever you are saying is alright. Like, I am thinking the same and they are not outcasts."
"Outcasts." She repeated my words. Her eyes dropped at her lap, a faint smile at her lips.
"Yeah, It's good to feel this way." she almost whispered. I stayed silent.
"Have you ever felt out casted?" she asked with pure curiosity.
"Yes," I answered instantly, nodding my head, giving her a long blink.
"Well you are an outcast," she exclaimed playfully.
"oh! That hurts my feelings," I faked being in pain, resting my arm on my chest. Making her giggle.
"Like, you don't belong to this society." she tried to explain, making it worse.
"And that's the definition of outcast," I chuckled at my own words. Which she responded with a laugh.
"What I mean is, you literally listened to me. Made me feel good. No one did that. You really are an outcast," her tone was not playful. It was mature and sensible.
I preferred silence over words. Just to feel this peaceful silence, before she stood up.
"I should go," for some reason she was avoiding eye contact.
"How you feel, Catherine," were the words I heard myself saying while standing up.
She was not surprised at my question. She truly understood the meaning of those words.
But I wasn't satisfied by this just and explained it a bit.
"Like you look really good. I am happy about that. You are trying new things. But I still want to know how you feel." My hands were hiding in the pockets of my jeans, as I completed the sentences.
She sighed. A long strapped black handbag hanging on her shoulder. A content smile appeared on her face as she said;
"I feel very good, Ethan. I am fine. I do have some - kids at school whom I talk to sometimes. And I don't know what they say behind my back." she scoffed, staring at her shoes. And lifting her head again, saying;
"Not that I care about it. And yes! I am trying new things. For me," she paused. I nodded unconsciously.
"I changed my audience. I chose- me. To be my very own stimulus." It would be a lie to say that it's normal for every teenager to say those words and truly mean it. She was extraordinary from the start. And she was never broken, just hurt may be coiled to herself and she just unfolded herself. And this was beautiful.
All my concerns vanished. A satisfied smile appeared on my face. Giving her the response she deserved to have.
"I should go now," she turned, a smile still resting on her face.
I saw her going out of the door and I sat on the couch again. Lifting the cup, resting on my side table. I was about to take a sip, when Catherine rushed back in. She seemed nervous and a bit embarrassed. But before I can react she spoke;
"I know it was our last session. But- can we meet sometime? Like-umm- I don't know. Friends?" her face was red, for such a small thing.
"Of course," I responded without skipping a breath. And all her features came back to normal after my answer. She left after giving me a cheeky grin.
Yes, it was very crazy of her to think this world was not meant for her; just crazy.