I opened my eyes in my dark room. The lampshade I normally turn on before sleeping was off. Riel probably went home since I could sense that I was alone in my bed.
I slowly got up and reached for the lampshade switch by my end table.
The room got dimly illuminated and I noticed a note on the end table.
"I may not catch you tomorrow. I hope things get resolved for you. As always, if you need anything even to talk, I am here."
It is clearly from Josh even without him writing his name on it. I stared at that nite for a few minutes then folded it and placed it in my drawer. Any other time, I would just toss it in the trash. For some reason, I wanted to keep it.
I got up and checked the time from my phone. It is just a few minutes after midnight. I heard my stomach growl which was to be expected for missing dinner and only eating half a slice of pork chop and a spoon of rice pilaf for lunch.
I went to the kitchen and strived hard to make minimal noise when I opened the fridge. I found the plate of food Nana Ying saved for me during lunch.
As I waited for the timer from the microwave that was heating my food, I heard footsteps from the hallway. I watched who would appear at the end of the hallway which is a straight view from the kitchen.
"Hey! You finally got hungry, huh?" Josh asked as he walked towards the kitchen.
"Yeah. I fell asleep and missed dinner."
Josh was checking the fridge and found one slice of pie left and took it out.
"Mom wanted to wake you up for dinner but I stopped her. You needed to rest." Josh said as he scooped a slice of pie.
"Thanks." I smiled at him.
Josh looks somewhat different to me at this moment. There's nothing physically or behaviorally different but for the first time, I wanted to stay there in the kitchen with him for a while.
I was watching Josh eat when he looked up and asked me, "Are you feeling better?"
I nodded, "A bit."
Josh put down the plate of half-eaten pie on the counter and faced me with a concerned look.
"Look, I know you don't like talking about anything with me or asking me for help, but if it gets too much for you, I can listen and try what I can to help."
"I know. I just can't even figure out where to start, how and when things got chaotic, and what it is that created the mess in my head."
I suddenly realized this is the most I have been open and honest with Josh and I felt a little lighter just saying it out loud.
The microwave dinged.
"Grab your plate, I'll grab a couple of bottles of beer. Let's go outside and sit by the pool." Josh said as he opened the fridge.
Knowing I have school tomorrow, I hesitated and Josh noticed it.
"One beer won't bother you especially since you won't be able to go back to sleep after sleeping over 6 hours," Josh assured me.
Josh didn't forget the pie as we headed out to the pool.
"I like this pie of yours," Josh tells me as he takes another bite.
"I can bake one again next weekend if you are coming home," I told him as I ate the food on my plate quickly.
"Of course I will. I promised to treat Alec and Riel to lunch for winning the set earlier. You are paying for half of it since we both lost." Josh laughed.
My shoulder dropped and I slowly bowed my head.
"They may not want to eat out anymore. Not together at least." I told Josh.
"They fought?" Josh asked. "Is this what it is all about?"
"I planned to set up Riel with Alec. Riel reluctantly agreed. This is where I am confused as to how it was fine when we were playing basketball then became a mess after lunch."
Talking to Josh seems so easy and natural yet my entire life, I avoided prolonged or serious conversation with him.
"Huhhmm.... I feel like there is something else you haven't shared with me." Josh said as he handed me an open bottle of beer.
I looked at him with a puzzled look.
"You are an affected party so there must be something that you subconsciously or consciously contributed to the situation. Think about it."
I took a sip of beer and sighed as I put it down.
"I have been feeling weird lately around Alec and I can't figure out why. Riel noticed it I guess so she's upset with Alec thinkin' he is the one upsetting me....but I am not upset with Alec." I said the last sentence in a lower tone of voice as if I was not sure I should have added it.
"You get nervous around Alec?" He asked.
I nodded.
"You noticed things about him and find yourself admiring him?"
I nodded again.
"You like the time you spend with him and want to spend more time with him?"
I looked up at Josh and slightly nodded while I looked at him bewildered. It's surprising how well he knew what was going on with me that had confused me lately. Is my brother this good and I never noticed it? This is what I get for not treating him right. He is now the one who can help me sort my disoriented thoughts.
"Have another good drink..." His tone is as if he is preparing me for what I am about to hear next.
I can hear my heart pounding in my chest.