CHAPTER 4
It was already dark when I made it to my apartment. The mass of tiredness weighed heavy on my shoulders and waist and without a thought, I plunged myself onto my bed.
The room was dark, but the curtains were drawn to the sides, and I was bathed in the cold white light of moonlight. The still air was mixed with the scent of baked potatoes and sausage that came from the next room.
She'll be here any minute with dinner.
I lay fallow and stared into space for what seemed like an eternity.
"Knock! Knock!" A cheery woman with a man's voice chirped as she pushed her way in through the door.
"Mrs Crest," I said as I pulled myself up from the bed and faced her.
"How many times do I have to tell you to lock your door? An assassin can jump in and do heaven knows what. And why didn't you turn on the light?" she stated as she bustled inside, a stainless steel food warmer in her hands.
I grumbled. "I just got in and I don't think an assassin would be interested in this side of town."
"Still. You should lock the door and turn on the light the instant you get in," she argued.
Mrs Crest was a widow who lived next door. She has no kids and for the past year that I've lived here, she took it upon herself to treat me like her own. I wasn't sure why she decided to do that. Maybe she saw how lonely I was or she was just the kind of person to prepare dinner for her neighbors on any given day.
I admired her.
She moved slowly and carefully to where the switch was in my cramped space room and turned on the light.
"There." She said with satisfaction laced in her voice after the light came on. "That's better. I brought you dinner. It's baked potatoes and sausages."
She placed the food warmer on my lampstand table. "Eat it heartily. Alright?"
The corners of my lips curled up. " I will. Thank you, Mrs Crest."
She clucked her tongue. " Make sure you look at your door immediately when I step out. She said while holding the door knob.
"I'll do just that," I promised.
Her mother instincts kick in as fast as lightning anytime she is with me. She is the closest person I have as a mother. It felt nice to have someone like her in my life.
She stepped out and closed the door behind her.
"Lock it now," she yelled from outside the room.
"Doing it now." I hollered back as I took long strides to the door and locked it with a key.
Not locking my door was not a habit I had from my deceased parents. Neither was it the one I had from my time at the foster home where I grew up
In. It was while I went through my predicament that I developed the habit of not locking doors. I was forced not to. And it stuck with me like how the sun is for day and the moon for night.
I trailed back to my bed and ensconced myself in it. My stomach growled at the sight of the food warmer on my lampstand.
But the events that took place today weighed heavy on my mind and made me ignore the gurgling coming from inside my belly.
Why would he come to me with such a proposal?
What was his reason?
Why did he pick me?
The questions danced around my thoughts on and on.
I pictured the look of disappointment Abigail would wear on her face when she found out that her dad proposed to me. It made me shudder.
I've heard about friendships that turned into enmity just because one of them decided to get with the other's dad. Abigail wouldn't let it turn to that. She wouldn't.
For whatever reason I won't accept that proposal. I don't care if it's a marriage of pretense for one day. I won't.
I didn't want to ruin my friendship with Abigail. She was my best friend. The only one I've got. There was no way I could bring myself to tell her.
Q
Would Richard tell her though? The little voice in my head spoke.
My mind drifted away from Richard to Edward. "This sucks!"
I rolled to my side and completely forgot about the constant rumbling of my stomach.
When he asked me if I would like to go on a date with him. My head was blank and I couldn't answer directly. He may have noticed my distress and decided to play it as a joke but I knew he was pretending so I said nothing and played along.
For over a year, the idea of entering into a relationship had never crossed my mind. Not until after him. The intense feelings or worries about being abandoned clung to me like a leech. I developed patterns that were foreign to me. He forced me to get accustomed to them. Constantly seeking reassurance, being overly sensitive to his needs, and not feeling safe and secure in the relationship. It was not just a feeling.
Getting married became a myth to me. My avoidant attachment styles grew largely in my patterns that oftentimes I made attempts to emotionally distance myself from any potential relationship with a man. I've rejected people's attempts to connect with me emotionally.
I didn't want anyone to see that weak, dark side of me that I've conditioned myself to forget but bits of it still lingered in my memories.
***
"Marah"
I turned to see my grinning boyfriend, he held in his hands a plastic bag filled with groceries. He dropped on the kitchen counter as he walked towards me and draped his arms around me from behind. I pushed him away and dropped the dish I was washing in the sink to face him.
His eyes search each of mine sequentially, his hands held onto my waist tightly. "I left work early to come to help you with dinner. How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I need to get a job. I need to make friends. I'm rotting away in this apartment all the time and I'm bored. Lonely in fact."
"My naive Marah," he said as he ran his knuckle down my cheek. "There is nothing out there but bad people. People that would want to take advantage of you. People with no good intentions." He spelled out, demonstrating each sentence with his head. "And, I make enough for both of us. You don't have to get a job because you don't need one." He squished my cheeks with both hands. My cheeks hurt from the pressure he mounted on them.
Tears glistened in his eyes threatening to drop "Marah, you know I love you right?"
I nodded my head quickly in response.
"I love you so much that I can't bear the thought of someone looking at you in a way that would displease me. No one can love you like I do. You know that right?
I nodded again. Slowly this time. He leaned in and pressed his lips on my forehead.
"Let's go make dinner," he said as he let go of cheeks. My cheeks felt numb at the lost contact and I massaged them to ease the flow of blood.
He opened the fridge and brought out some vegetables and a slab of meat. He dug through a drawer and pulled out two knives.
He walked over to the counter where he had dropped the groceries and rummaged through it. He brought out some carrots, placed them on the counter, and beckoned upon me. "Cut those," he ordered.
I inclined and trailed to where he was. He handed me a knife and left in the direction of the deep drawer cabinets. He grabbed a pot and a pan and put them on the stove.
"But, what if I come across someone nice and genuine? I suggested with a hopeful gaze on him.
He paused abruptly and slammed his fist on the top of the cabinet which made the utensils clang together.
A bullet of panic rose in my throat troubling me to fall out in the instance.
His shoulders squared up and he slowly turned to look at me. His jaw clenched and the veins in the center of his forehead throbbed. "Marah." He punched the bridge of his nose. "How many times do I tell you it's not safe out there? Do you intentionally want to get me pissed?"
"No." My voice hitched.
"Is that it?" he grimaced. Starting each word with a corroboration of the hand holding a knife.
"No no no." The words rushed out of my mouth in a tremble. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. There is no one good for me out there. Only you. I have only you."
His shoulders relaxed and relief washed over me. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me close to his body. He lifted my chin gently and my eyes connected with his. "I love you" he uttered.
With a shaky breath. "I love you too."
***
The blaring sound of my ringtone brought me out of my daze. I reached for my bag and dug into it for my phone. Abigail's name flashed on the screen.
"Hello."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
I winced at the loud sound of her voice that came from the phone. " Did something good happen? You sound excited."
I heard some whoosh sounds over the line. The kind you would hear when someone you spoke with over the phone was driving. "Are you driving?
"Yeeaaaaahhhhh. Why?"
"Nothing. Spill."
"We are going shopping!" She exclaimed.
I paused to look at the screen of my phone and brought it back to my ear. "Shopping? I don't have time for that. I can only make time for our coffee session. You know I work right?" I raised an eyebrow and gave a questioning look even though she couldn't see me.
"I'm a busy woman too Marah but I try to make time for extracurricular activities like shopping. It's fun. And you don't have to worry about work. You have plenty of time to spare." she giggled, her voice hiked with excitement.
"Plenty of time to spare. What did you do?" My eyes narrowed into splits.
"I may have or may have not reached out to Greg to add more time to your break before your shift. I know. I'm the best. You don't have to thank me."
"Why would you do that?" I asked, my voice laced with irritation. "You can't just go to my boss and ask him to extend my break time to fulfill your wants. You could have at least asked me first."
"You would have said no. I know you. I had to take the easy way out." Her voice came out like a fret.
"Still. I don't want anyone to think that I'm taking advantage of the fact that my boss is associated with my best friend. That's nepotism." I spat at her.
"You got in by nepotism. Alright." The alright sounded like one of those alrights she would usually accompany with an eye roll. "I'm sorry I did that without informing you but the deed has been done and you'll have to go shopping with me."
I bit my lip in consideration "I'll think about it."
"Come on Marah. What's there to think about? Okay, you can think about all the fun we are going to have."
More like all the fun you are going to have.
"Fine. Are you happy now?"
"Yay," She squealed loudly in excitement. "I'll pick you up at 12. Shopping first, coffee session after. Good?"
"Yeah, sure. Good."
"Talk to you later. Bye!"
"Bye" I blurted but the line already went off. I let out a sigh.
"Tomorrow is going to be a long day and I'm not prepared for it. I should probably call Greg."
I scanned my call log for Greg's contact in my phone. I paused. "Maybe later." I plopped the phone on the bed.
My stomach growled savagely and I placed my hand on my tummy instinctively. I dashed towards the food warmer and opened it. The delicious smell that hit my nostrils made me salivate. I picked up a fork to dig in but a thought sprung up.
Shouldn't I call him now? Better now than later.
I slid to where my phone was and picked it up. I dialed his number in a flash.
"Hey, Greg!"