To help cheer the doctor up, I badgered him for rehab advice. It helped to redirect his focus from the dead he had been unable to save, to the few survivors that he had saved. Shigure caught on quickly and also helped me to distract and redirect the doctor whenever his mood dropped too sharply. It was a pity, I felt, that even with all my practice, Shigure was still far better at using these psychological techniques than me. Perhaps because he had more experience and actually knew what he was doing, while I was more muddling along.
With the Doc's interest and input, Shigure had been making big improvements. He had gone from being a limp string bean who could barely lift an arm, to one that had struggled to roll over and then to sitting against the wall. Doc had made him do lots of gentle and careful exercises that wouldn't pull on his wounds to help him get used to moving and regain his strength. All those exercises on the floor or in sitting had somehow then translated to exercises in standing, holding the wall, and then progressed to walking a few steps with help.
Our soldiers who usually helped us to and from the toilet were making their morning rounds. Shigure stopped them from picking him up and carrying him with a hand gesture.
"I'll walk," Shigure said, using the wall to help pull himself up into standing.
I watched with sparkling eyes, feeling for a moment as if there were celebratory coloured lights going off. He was well enough to walk the twenty metres or so to the toilet? The furthest I had seen him go was about five.
"Please help me walk there instead," Shigure said and the soldiers nodded, looking pleased.
I watched Shigure walk with the two soldier's help the whole twenty plus metres to the toilet and back. Doc and I applauded for him, along with several of our neighbours.
"Congratulations!" we called. "Congratulations on getting your legs back!"
Shigure nodded, pleased with his progress. The next day, he only needed one person to help him walk. At this speed, he'd be running before I was able to even walk. Most of my exercise was done lying down, because I was still known to suddenly pass out for no known reason, whether I was exercising or resting. It was as if my body would sometimes reach its limit without me knowing and then need to shut down in order to cool down and reboot.
Shigure doubled his rehab exercises and efforts, encouraging me not to give up. I could only watch with slight envy at his quick recovery. Was I ever going to get better again?
My legs still had trouble taking my weight. When I stood up, I tended to accidentally wet or soil myself, causing everyone around to wrinkle their noses. They didn't say anything and didn't seem to blame me, but it was embarrassing. People would have to help me clean up both myself, my clothes and the floor whenever it happened. It hurt my pride. Even the guards joked about needing to get adult diapers for me, making my face flush.
It wasn't my fault all my water and sewer works down below had been completely ruined. And yet I had to put up with the cost of having survived all that torture wondering if it was possible for anything down there to work properly again. Someone could just kill me now. Thinking about it made me want to cry with frustration at the unfairness of it all.
I hoped and prayed that all those people who had used me like a tool or a toy of pleasure would die. Everyone who had disrespected me and my body could and should die. Except for maybe Doc. He was sweet and what he had done hadn't been his fault.
In fact, he had offered that if the war ended any time soon, he was willing to marry and take care of me. He'd pay for my surgery and look after me for the rest of our lives. Shigure had frowned at that.
"Are you sure it's a good idea for two very depressed people with PTSD and strong suicidal ideations to live together?" Shigure had asked the Doc when they had thought I was sleeping.
I hadn't thought about that. Perhaps Shigure was right. Without Shigure's frequent mediation and intervention, the Doc and I would have lost ourselves in some very dark places as we shared ideas and negative thoughts on things. We would most likely accelerate each other's deaths and decide to go together.
Glancing at each other, Doc and I had then agreed that we probably wouldn't be good for each other. We could be friends, travelling the same road in the valley of the shadow of death, but we should definitely not rely on each other for support the way married couples ought to.
Upon hearing that, Shigure had breathed a sigh of relief when he thought no one was watching. It was kind of amusing.
Shigure, Doc and a few prisoners of war in the hall petitioned the guards for those adult sized continence aids, known more crudely as adult diapers or nappies. I wasn't the only one with continence issues and the guards didn't want us to keep stinking up the hall and contaminating their breathing air. We weren't very sure how seriously they took our request, because nothing happened for quite some time.
During a pharmacy run, or should I say, raid, the guards brought back boxes of them. Doc distributed the pull ups and strap on continence aids to the relevant people - particularly those of us living sort of close to the toilets who could barely move. I got a strap-on nappy rather than a pull-up so that it would be easier for people to help me if I passed out again. This way I didn't need to keep making a mess for other people to clean up, but it was frustrating. Frustrating. So frustrating to not be in control of my own actions.
"It'll get better," Doc told me softly. "Don't cry. You'll be able to stand and walk boldly one day without fear again. I know you will."
Shigure hugged me.
"It'll definitely get better."
Armed with adult sized nappies, I was more confident in practicing getting up into standing and walking. However, I only got three metres before I found I was already puffing like a steam train. My head would swim and it felt like my heart was pounding all the way up through my neck to my head. If I wasn't careful, I'd conk out.
Nevertheless, it was progress. At least I could stand up again.
Sinking to the floor, I put my head down to try and catch my breath. Doc absentmindedly patted my back, while he rested his head on the wall, mumbling to himself.
Now that the number of cold and flu cases had settled down, most people's conditions had stabilised, and so Doc wasn't as busy as he used to be. He spent a lot of time mumbling to himself or the wall. I didn't know how else I could help him.
As Shigure's legs and strength had improved, he had begun slowly exploring the hall. He wasn't always around anymore, making. I was terrified that he might leave me behind, but at the same time knew that if he had the chance, he should go. Had to go. He was needed by our people out there still fighting, and I knew there was still fighting going on because of the frequent explosions that made the floor shake.
I wasn't sure exactly how long it had been, but I was pretty sure a few months had passed since the first explosion that had signalled the enemy's attack. Even if he wasn't physically well, there was nothing wrong with his thinking processes. Director Worth would be needing him. I couldn't hold him back.
Shakily, I stood up to practice walking again. Holding onto the wall was good. I could walk one and a half metres one way and one and a half metres back. This way I didn't need to trouble anyone to help me. I still had to be carried to the toilet and still needed help cleaning myself up, but I wasn't completely helpless anymore.
I was going to get better. I was going to get stronger. I was going to be able to help Shigure and not be left behind.
"Uki-chan," said Shigure when he got back and saw me wobbling on my feet, while trying to catch my breath, "you should stop now. Sit and have a rest. Doc, I thought you were keeping an eye on her?"
Doc looked up from his mutterings to the wall.
"I like my eyes where they are, thank you very much."
"Uki-chan, you've rubbed off on the doctor. Look what bad habits you're teaching him," Shigure complained and scolded lightly, sitting down with his back to the wall. He gave a soft groan.
"It hurts?" I touched his shoulder anxiously and he patted my hand with a tired smile.
"Yes," he breathed. "It'll be better in a moment."
He closed his one eye for a few breaths. Then he turned around to fuss over me, helping to wipe my sweat streaked face and neck. He took my pulse and made me lean my head on his shoulder.
My blurry vision and pounding heart settled down, bringing the pain levels and discomfort in my head back down with it. I was drifting off when the sound of the hall door being pushed open roused me. Shigure and Doc also lifted their heads to see what was going on.
A new prisoner was thrust into the hall by our guards. The first in quite some time.
Shigure and I raised our eyebrows and exchanged glances, because we recognised the very familiar form of Tiger Eye, also known as Chad Thundercock, also known as Wing Blues. The shameless man spotted us and immediately shambled over to join us, shaking off the guards.
I clutched Shigure's shirt and felt my fist tightening. Shigure shifted closer to me and angled himself into a more protective position. Sensing that something wasn't quite right, Doc shuffled over to support me from the other side.
"Red Eye," he said cheerfully to Shigure, causing the heads of those nearby to turn to look in our direction. We didn't want attention and we'd been trying to keep a low profile, but here was a man determined to ruin it for us. "Little Bluebird, I thought the two of you would have paired up to take out Snake Eye and his friends by now. What are you guys doing slacking off in here?"
Shigure and I glared at him, but neither of us felt inclined to talk to the annoying man. My hands clenched and unclenched in Shigure's clothes. I lowered my head and watched through my eyelashes. Doc felt me trembling. He looked at me in concern, combing the hair that was falling over my face behind an ear with his fingers. Shigure found my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I figured something was wrong, so I came to offer my assistance," Tiger Eye aka Chad Thundercock aka Wing Blues patted his chest. "I'm still waiting to take my little wife here back to our little dovecote. Everything there is ready for us to move in. Bro, when are you going to make a move? if you don't have enough strength and capacity, you can borrow hers," he poked at Shigure. "She's so strong. What are you hesitating for? I can see you're both in a bad way but it's not that bad is it?"
"Keep your voice down," Shigure scowled at him and looked away. "Worse. Things are even worse than you think. Neither of us has sufficient strength or capacity to go anywhere or do whatever you're thinking of. I'm too badly injured and Kim," Shigure sighed, "Kim may never be able to use her abilities again. She's barely with it most of the time as it is. The doctor says it's a miracle she's still alive. All the other women who came in with her have long since passed away."
"Wow," Tiger Eye aka Chad Thundercock aka Wing Blues gave a snort of disbelief. He seemed at a loss for words. Shoving Doc out of the way, he took Doc's place and stroked my head but Shigure batted his hand away. He ignored how Doc tried to pull him away. I could see in Chad's eyes what he wanted to do to me and it made me shiver like a little jelly. I shrank away from him.
"Don't touch her," Shigure warned in a low growl, shifting positions with me so that he sat between me and his former friend. "She doesn't like you. Stay away from her."
As if to emphasise the statement, I snapped my teeth after the hammy hand with a growl, making Tiger Eye Chad Thundercock Wing Blues withdraw his hand in a hurry, making us all give a soft laugh.
"Bro," the man said after his laugh, "Snake Eye has found out that you're being held here. He's been looking for you for ages and here you've been right under his nose all this time. I came to get you out. Much as I don't want to have anything to do with any of this anymore, I can't let you fall into his hands. I don't want you suffering what I have."
Shigure looked at me and I stopped leaning on him, slowly sitting up straight. I read the conflict and question in his eyes.
"Go ahead," I smiled, trying not to let my bitterness at this parting show. I didn't want him to go, but if he didn't go, should we wait here for death? Should I watch him be killed by a traitor who had once professed to have been his best friend? "You can't get caught."
Shigure looked pained and hugged me tight.
"Stay safe," he whispered.
"Show me around, bro," Tiger Eye Chad Thundercock Wing Blues slung an arm around Shigure, dragging him upright. "Man, you've lost weight. What happened to you? How'd you lose your red eye? Tell me about it. Where are the toilets? I gotta take a leak."
Shigure led his former friend out of my sight toward the back of the hall. Who knew what they were going to do? A useless person like me was really worthless when it came to important matters. I couldn't help them with anything.
Doc shuffled over to check on me while I tried not to cry. He put a silent arm around me but didn't ask any questions. Just from hearing that Shigure was Red Eye would have been enough for him to put a few clues together. Even the normal city people had been taught in their history books about the hero, Red Eye. Sometimes it was better not to know too much.