(TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE)
Another person died the next day while Doc was doing his rounds. When he came back to his spot by my side, he leaned against me and the wall as though exhausted. Shigure was sleeping with his head in my lap.
"Tell me, Kim, what should I do if I want to kill myself?"
"You're asking me?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah."
"You know I won't give you the answer you're hoping for, right?" I replied, stroking Shigure's hair.
"Yeah. Go. Surprise me," Doc closed his eyes.
"Cutting your throat isn't pleasant. You have to undergo suffocation and drowning in your own blood. It'd be uncomfortable," I said. "It's too prolonged. Like drowning. Drowning is very uncomfortable. Add to that a deep cut and blood, it doesn't sound painless or fun at all."
"Oh. You've put some thought into this," Doc said. "Done some research?"
"Mhm," I agreed. "I can tell you my thoughts, but you aren't allowed to try it yourself."
"Can't promise that," Doc said, making me chuckle softly. "You aren't allowed to act out your thoughts either. I don't think I'd be able to hold on if you're gone."
"Then I won't tell you," I said.
"I can think of a few myself," Doc said. "Knife or gun to the temple is nice and quick. Pretty painless way to go. Of course the gun is easier, but we don't have a gun here. The brain goes into shock, so you don't feel anything."
"That sounds nice," I nodded. "The downside is the knife and driving it into your brain with enough force to break the bone when you can't see what you're aiming for."
"There's the knife to your heart, but you have to be precise enough and ruthless enough to stab yourself hard and fast enough."
"Again, another precision problem," I waved a hand. "Not good for amateurs."
"Hanging is not too bad if we can find a good strong bit of rope or material. Do it right and you can break the neck and so be spared some of the suffering," Doc made vague gestures in the air with his arms.
"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," I nodded thoughtfully, "it's just that I associate hangings with criminals. In the tribes, we just jump off the cliffs."
"I see. There are so many options. We could find a good conducting material and a power socket in the wall," Doc said. "Stop the heart. It's a pity that one doesn't always kill people because there are in-built safety features in power points these days. Sometimes you just end up with a bad electrical burn."
Doc and I rubbed our chins in contemplative silence and then continued our badly advised conversation, feeling a morbid freedom at being able to share our thoughts on the topic how how best to painlessly kill ourselves with the least effort. The fact that this was a doctor I was talking to made his conversation all the more interesting. If a Psychologist heard us, we'd probably get a good talking to.
We discussed the reactions of various people if they overheard our conversation. Colleagues, various stereotypes in the related medical professions. And then we discussed the various ways people from different professions might choose to end their lives.
Shigure's eyes opened. He frowned and I tried to smooth the frown out of his brows but he caught hold of my hand.
"Stop it," he said.
I tilted my head. Stop what? Trying to smooth out his frown?
He rotated his head slightly to look at Doc and then he put a hand on Doc's hand.
"That's enough," he said.
"Their lives keep slipping through my hands," Doc told him, voice high and starting to tremble. "I keep thinking of how many deaths there have been and I can't - I can't," his voice broke.
"Uki-chan," Shigure looked up at me, "you should lie down. Are you in a comfortable position?"
I raised my eyebrows and lay down, feeling confused. Doc seemed to catch Shigure's eye and then helped me get comfortable, draping his coat over me.
"Yes?"
Not understanding what Shigure was getting at, I leaned my head on Doc's arm, watching Shigure's arm shakily reach over. His finger poked me between the eyebrows and a surge of sleepiness washed over me.
"Shigure?" I yawned, feeling my eyes fluttering shut against my better judgement. "Why?"
"Go to sleep. Doc and I need to talk," Shigure said.
"I can't listen?" I murmured, eyes fluttering shut and Doc put a hand to my cheek.
"No," said Shigure in an abrupt manner.
"Oh."
Doc folded a rag for a pillow, sliding it under my head and then helped Shigure reposition himself. Doc was frowning but gave me a trembling smile.
"Sleep," he reassured me.
I didn't know what the two talked about, but ever since that day, there were occasions when Shigure would inexplicably send either me or Doc to sleep with a poke of his finger. Sometimes, the forced sleep made me huff at him. Sometimes, when Doc and my conversations derailed into darker places, he'd look at us both sternly and Doc would suddenly clam up, requesting Shigure send him to sleep.
Once when Doc was asleep, Shigure gave me a very long lecture and telling off. I don't think I heard most of it, because when he was done, he nudged me. It felt like I had just woken up.
"Kim, are you even listening to me?" he asked.
I felt like my eyes had glazed over and that I'd fallen sleep with my eyes open or something.
Now that he was awake more often, he didn't need so much of my attention, so I didn't mind his lectures too much. It gave him something to do and made him feel like he was doing something. I didn't have to feed him mouth to mouth anymore either. He could sit up and eat slowly by himself.
Why did I feel like I missed those days of mouth to mouth feeding? Was it because I could no longer pretend I was kissing him deeply? With such a handsome face that nobody but I knew about, it was a pity to not be able to kiss him anymore. I wonder if he or the doctor had noticed that I had taken advantage of him while he had still been in the process of waking up.
Without me being awake to interrupt, the two men often had long, deep talks. They probably needed that man to man time. As far as I could gather afterwards, they mostly talked about me, but I was sure that wasn't all that they talked about. Doc seemed a little more cheerful after their conversations, whereas Shigure sometimes looked troubled.
I stared off into the distance in a daze, not knowing where my thoughts had taken me. I didn't know what I was thinking of either. It was just a moment.
And then the next thing I knew, both Shigure and Doc were desperately trying to wake me up and talk to them. I didn't understand why. That long moment of drifting who knows where without any sense had been quite comfortable.
It took a long moment for my eyes to focus on the face and person shaking me. There were tears dripping off their chin.
"Stop shaking," I said in a hoarse voice. "Hurts."
"Kim," I was hugged to a chest. I didn't know whose. It was strange. I felt comfortable and safe with him but couldn't quite remember who he was right then.
Another pair of arms wrapped around me and the man holding me.
I sagged into their arms, suddenly feeling beyond exhausted.
What was going on again? What had just happened? Why were they so worried and excited now?
"I told you," the silver haired man said to the other with big black bags under the eyes. "Don't talk to her about those types of topics again. She doesn't realize it, but it triggers her off. It gets harder and harder to bring her back Everytime she goes like that."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," the man with black eye bags wept, sobbing. "I won't do it again. I didn't realise it was that serious."
"Well you know now," the silver haired man said, his lips tight. He lowered me down onto the ground with the other man's help. "Don't do it again. She doesn't remember having these events later, so we have to try not to trigger her. You're a doctor. You should know. If you really need to talk, talk to me. I'll put her to sleep so she doesn't hear anything she doesn't need to. I can't do much, but I can give you two short periods of sleep."
"Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'll remember."
"Who are you people?" I mumbled and heard the man with eye bags sob a little louder. "Do I know you?"
"You must be tired," said the man with silver hair with a compassionate but red rimmed eye. His other eye was flat shut. It looked wrong. Like his eyeball was missing from the eye socket. "Don't be afraid. Just go back to sleep. You'll feel a lot better afterwards."