"Y-you were listening?!" Taehyung whisper yelled so he didn't wake the other three, I nodded staring into space.
"I'm sorry for eavesdropping." I say plainly then simply got up as went into the bathroom, Jimin if course tried to stop me but I locked the door before he could come in.
Without any hesitation I immediately got on my knees in front of the toilet and started trying to force myself to throw up. I've had eating disorders for as long as I can remember, and I'd force myself to throw up the food I had eaten after every meal because Jimin noticed and wouldn't let me starve myself.
After I was done and nothing more would come out of my stomach it literally hurt to breathe, I was breathing heavily and my whole body seemed to have been trembling. It was probably that hit from the monster thing that made my body weak so i reacted like this. But I liked it.
I loved it.
I felt like I couldn't move my own body without it hurting, it felt like a punishment.
I got up with a struggle and brushed my teeth to get rid of the taste, I stayed there for a little longer and debated whether to leave and open the door or not, and at some point I was perfectly fine with just staying there all night. But eventually I got up and unlocked the door thinking they have gone to sleep by now. But I was wrong
Jimin stood in front of the door leaning against the frame, the moment his eyes fell apon my body he scowled, he look absolutely pissed. And I could see Taehyung sitting on the bed looking at me too.
"You really are pathetic you know that?" Taehyung asked me, I looked down ashamed knowing i can't deny what I had done, "The moment life gets just a little too hard for your liking you run away and cry, are you actually a baby? Grow up, Jungkook. You're a literal adult and you're still doing this to yourself?"
"Shut up..." I basically begged, my eyes already filled with tears as Taehyung said those things... he's right, I am pathetic, but it's not like I can snap my fingers and suddenly I'm super man. It's not my fault I'm like this.
And Jimin just had to open his stupid mouth too, "No, Jungkook. He's right, how long to you plan to continue this? **It's been years,** as you still can't stop?"
"It's not that easy..." I whisper, refusing to make eye contact with anyone, "I know, I'm well fucking aware that it's 'not that easy', but really, it's been far too long for you not to realize how badly you're destroying yourself. Not just physically but the emotional damage, each and every time you allow yourself to do that you give the parts of yourself that wants you to fail satisfaction. You're allowing yourself to slowly kill yourself at this point."
"If you can't stop with basic self respect think about how this is effecting Jimin-" Taehyung tried to say, Jimin however cut him off, "It's not about me."
"Then make it about you. Do you not see how much that boy loves you? It's as plain as manipulating him into thinking he's hurting you by hurting himself. Which is honestly not even manipulation it's just the truth," Taehyung turned to me again, "Do you really want to keep hurting the only person that loves you? Is that what you're trying at now? You want him to blame himself for not being enough again? Do you not remember what happened to his mental health when you were cutting?"
"I'm perfectly aware of that!" I exclaim, then quickly quieted myself down realizing the others might wake up, which luckily they didn't. "I'm very fucking aware of what I'm doing to myself, and I know exactly how angry it makes Jimin. But how do you expect me to stop?" I ask, walking over to him, I grabbed his face tightly and forced him close to mine, "It feels fucking amazing..." I whisper to him, the horrified look on his face just making me feel more disgusted in myself. I of course won't let him know that, I just threw his body onto the bed again, then turned around to head towards the door.
"I'll go get something to eat if its such a big fucking deal." I say, knowing full well I won't be eating, but I just really had to get out of here. Thank the mother of Jesus Christ they didn't follow me and just let me leave, of course they looked where I was going but they didn't come along or saying anything else.
I didn't really know where I was going, I was just helplessly walking around at some point, right now I was crying sitting in the corner of a hallway by a potplant. It somehow reminded me of my best friend, Jung Hoseok.
And just one thought about him made me break down sobbing, "I'm so sorry hyung.... I should've done something...." I cry into my arms, mumbling useless apologies over and over, I know it won't bring him back. I know he can't hear them. I know I'm wasting my time crying. And I know I'm the only one weak enough to let a fucking potplant hurt me this badly. But there's not much else I can do right now, there's not much I have the mental stability to do right now.
"Hey, kid, need some company?" I heard someone ask from behind me, when i turned around and it was yoongi, "Why are you always there at my lowest points?" I ask, he chuckled slightly, "I guess I know when to get involved and when to stay out of it."
"Oh.... I'm guessing you heard all that back there?.." I ask, referring to the fight with jimin and taehyung, he nodded, sitting down next to me, "I figured it was for the best that you worked things out on your own, didn't seem to go as I thought it would, I'll be honest." He keeps a warm and comforting smile on his face, I give him a weak smile back.
"Do you mind telling me about him?" He asks softly, putting his arm around my shoulder and had my head rest against him, I can't help but smile genuinely thinking about my Hobiseok.
"He was the best, you could never be upset around him. He was a literal sunshine, and he has the most beautiful smile.... he... had, the most beautiful smile..." my smile faded, 'he had', "The worst part about this is I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.... he just... he dyed.... and I didn't even say goodbye..." My voice cracked, my eyes filled with tears once again as I buried my face in hyungie shoulder, "Why didn't I save him?" I ask through sobs, Yoongi hyung stayed quiet, softly ruffling my hair.
I continued crying in his shoulder for a few more minutes, grateful that he allowed me to and comforted me without telling me that 'i couldn't have done anything' or 'it wasn't my fault'.
Him just being there and hugging me while I cried was enough, I'm glad he saw that. Most of the others would've tried to tell me it's not my fault even though they know damn well it was.
I calmed down slightly, and was now just silently crying while Yoongi played with my hair which helped a lot in the process of calming me down and having me fall asleep.
I'm not sure for how long I was crying for, but the next thing I new I was being shaken awake by Seokjin, "Jungkookie? It's time to wake up now." He said softly, I was still laying on Yoongi hyung by the plant, we haven't seemed to change positions at all besides for the fact that Yoongi was leaning his head against the wall now.
I could see everyone else there too, seokjin probably being the only one willing to talk to me, after the fight last night and the way I've been treating Namjoon from the beginning I don't think I'm the most liked person right now.
"Mm?" I basically moan, I was a bit startled so my head shot up which woke Yoongi hyung, "Mm..." I hum, as if saying 'yes' to let them know we're awake.
I sit up from laying on yoongi's chest, completely out of it and not sure where I am, "Mm~ what happened?.." i groan in my relatively deep morning voice, the fact that I was crying for a quit large amount of the night added to my hoarse voice and puffy eyes, since I was in the same position all night though my hair seemed perfectly fine.
"Nothing, that thing left us alone all night." Seokjin smiled at me, I looked around and saw that they were right, nothing changed from when i last remember, besides maybe Namjoon avoiding looking at me and both Jimin and Taehyungie blushing? Was it my voice??
Seokjin giggled, "Umm, you have a little something over there." He was pointing..... down....