Hannah POV
How should I describe my feelings toward Mikkeli? I wonder if there are even appropriate words to describe that. I'm so lost; I have no idea how I feel about him.
After our "make-out session" in the kitchen, I could feel his gaze on me all the time. I don't intend to lie; it felt terrific to be in his arms; even though I keep repeating that the bond doesn't affect me, I know deep down inside that's not true. I had sex, I had a boyfriend before, I know how it feels to be held, kissed, touched, and I know that I have never felt as amazing as the first time with Mikkeli.
But then came the second time with Mikkeli, and to add worse to that, it had to happen precisely after I found him lying on top of Connie. The moment I saw them, I felt an intense ache in my chest, and I felt stupid; I felt so God damn stupid. How could I be stupid enough to think that him touching me in a certain way means something to him, that it's not just fucking lust caused by this dammed mate bond! And it hurts; it hurts to see him with another woman; it hurts to hear his sharp words, missing Byron hurts too, and I do miss him. After all, in this crazy love triangle, the wolf is the only one honest with his intentions. I am his mate; he wants me and Mikkeli and I...
I knew I shouldn't have challenged him, I knew I should've just shut up and don't provoke him, but I was also pissed off. I wanted to prove to him that I was not scared of him and that Connie's legs around him didn't bother me. When he forced kissed me, I was still angrier than afraid; I didn't feel threatened, only humiliated. Humiliated by the fact that in his eyes, I'm nothing more than a plaything, a toy he will just toss away when he finishes playing with it.
But when he was lying on top of me, for a brief moment, I thought it would be better to be dead. It was different than what happened with Andrew. With Andrew, all I could recall was disgust; all the bruises he gave me were physical, they hurt like bitch, but after some time, they disappeared. He didn't matter, he was not important enough to be remembered, and one day I will forget about him and his hands on me.
With Mikkeli, it was as if he dug his claws right into my heart. I didn't feel disgusted, I wasn't in any physical pain, and Mikkeli was extremely careful with handling me. He didn't hit me, he didn't give me any bruises, and I had no urge to throw up, but emotionally it was heartbreaking, I couldn't stop crying. Sadness was the only emotion I could feel at that moment. I was sad that he was the one who was hurting me, that he was seeking pleasure in my pain, that the scars he was going to give me would stay there forever, no matter how much I wished to forget about them.
And suddenly that was it; suddenly he stopped, he let me go, he was whispering: I'm sorry.
When Tony held him against the wall, I could see his eyes; they were so regretful. I could tell that he was ashamed, that he hated himself so much, and as stupid as it may sound, I felt that moment the need to comfort him, a need to hold him and calm him down.
Everybody could see how frightened I was, but the truth is told, I wasn't frightened of Mikkeli. I was frightened of the fact that something between us was broken, and I'm frightened that maybe it will never be mended back again.
Now, Mikkeli tries to keep his distance, but the truth be told, he's not very good at it. He hasn't got close to me, within 2 meters' reach, but still, I know he's looking at me all the time. In the morning, I see him behind my window, sometimes in his human form, sometimes in his wolf form. I can hear his footsteps passing my bedroom door every night. Hayden knows Mikkeli is close, so he's almost all the time with the kids and me; the same goes for Tony, who is almost all the time with Mikkeli.
I also started drinking a small amount of wolfsbane every morning, per Rose and Jake's suggestion; according to them, it would make it impossible for Mikkeli's wolf to mark me if we ever get close enough to each other.
Two weeks after the incident, Hayden kept his promise and took the kids and me with Kyle and Becca into the mountains for trekking for three days, and honestly, it was a break I needed. It was so good to feel almost normal again; the boys were on cloud nine. It made me realize how much they missed everyday life, and the truth is told, I didn't even know when I started seeing Hayden as almost a part of my family, and I'm sure my siblings feel the same. And that makes me feel content because I know that if anything should happen, James, Jason, and Rosie will be safe, have family, and have a home.
The days in the forest were peaceful; we talked scary stories during sitting by the fire in the evening, the boys and Rosie had a chance to travel or Hayden's wolf back, and we played in the water in the springs. Blackwood territory, for sure, is a very beautiful place.
Now we are in the woods, slowly on our way back to the packhouse when Hayden, Becca, and Kyle suddenly tense and seem to talk through the mind link. And only a couple of seconds later, the hell breaks loose.
They emerge through the woods; there are seven of them, rogues; they are feral, red eyes glare at us, and they bare their fangs. Everything happens in a blur; Hayden, Becca, and Kyle shift immediately. For a brief moment, all the wolves are almost becoming one flash. Snarls, biting, growling, blood dripping from everywhere.
I manage to push the boys and Rosie behind me, standing in front of them; there's no point in running, I know that. I can hear the whimpering and see Becca crawling on the ground, she's bleeding heavily, and Kyle is thrown away into the tree and plunks at it with a loud thud. One of the rogues launches at him, trying to bite into his neck, Kyle tries to put up a fight, but his omega wolf is no match to the rogue.
They are so close to us that I manage to drag my silver knife, which is also sunk in wolfsbane, and stab it directly into the rogue's throat. I only get one shot, and thanks to God, I manage to aim it right into his aorta; the wolfsbane does the rest. He wasn't expecting me to attack; he didn't pay any attention to me. I try to drag Kyle a little bit away; he whimpers and shifts into his human form. I hold him and Rosie, twins, near us as I can see that three rogues are dead, but we are at the mercy of others.
Becca is lying unconscious or dead in the grass, and Hayden seems wounded and is separated from us and surrounded. One of the rogues is heading in our direction, blood drips from his jaw, and I have a sickening feeling in my stomach, knowing that I can't do anything. I close my eyes, tightening my grip on Rosie; this is over; we will die.
I hear the bones cracking, struggling, and snarling. One of my brothers, James, is gone; instead of him, I can see quite a big black wolf, pitch black. The rogue seems hesitant for a moment, and James quickly jumps at him, biting, scratching, and tearing through his skin. He manages to push the rogue away using the element of surprise, but he is a newly shifted wolf. He has no chance of standing against a fully grown-up male.
But then a quick blur emerges from the woods, instantly ripping through the wolf who was just a moment from killing my brother, a big grey wolf. He turns around in the direction of Hayden and others and jumps at them immediately, he has never seen him before, but he must be very high-ranked.
Hayden uses the moment of distraction and manages to free himself from the jaw of one of the attackers. It's a matter of a couple of minutes, and there is no more fighting. I look around, trying to assess the situation. There are seven dead rogues on the grass, dead or wounded to the point they can't move; Becca lies in the grass; I'm not sure if she is alive; Hayden's wolf is trying to crawl closer to us, his both legs crushed.
And James, Oh my God, James...
I can see the blood dripping from his fur in the place he was bitten, he's clearly in pain, but his stance makes it evident that he isn't aware of what he is doing. He doesn't look like a werewolf; I have a feeling that I'm looking at a wild animal, cornered and ready to attack.
"James," Jason whispers, trying to move in his directions
"Hold him; it's dangerous!" I look in the direction of a grey wolf who managed to save us, but there is no wolf anymore; in front of me stands Hank, the Beta of the Full Moon Pack.
I immediately grab Jason making it impossible for him to get closer to his twin; he doesn't try to fight me, instead looks at me with tears in his eyes and stays in his place. Kyle holds the crying Rosie.
"Hayden, connect to your Alpha now. We need him here as fast as possible. That kid can go feral at any chance now. And shift back and stay at your place. If he smells your wounded wolf getting closer, he can freak out." Hank says, his eyes still his wolf's eyes. "We need to calm him down until Mikkeli gets here."
Hayden shifts, and I can see that he is truly terrified. I don't know what went wrong, but seeing him and Hank makes it clear that my brother is in danger. I know that he shifted early, but I don't understand what is wrong.
"Kyle, shift and go slowly to him. Your omega's scent should calm him, and you won't be seen as a threat," Hayden says, giving Kyle a pleading look.
Kyle nods; he puts Rosie aside and slowly shifts. I can see that he's in much pain because of his wounds, but he shifts and slowly limps in James' direction. James first snarls at him and backs away a little bit, baring his teeth all the time. Kyle whimpers and bows his head in submission. James starts sniffing air eagerly. Kyle's wolf sits slowly in the grass, still whimpering and slightly wagging his tail. James's wolf seems confused, but at the moment, he also lowers himself and goes in the direction of Kyle. He lies close to him, and Kyle slowly starts nuzzling him in a comforting manner.
"Hannah, you must back up slowly in my direction," Hank says, and I follow his order with Jason and Rosie. Together we back again, this time in Hayden's direction; we set at least 20 meters of space from both wolves.
"What's wrong with James?" Jason whispers, cuddling himself up into Hayden's arms.
"He's shifted before his time due to the threat. His body and mind weren't ready for that; neither was his wolf. The connection between him and his wolf is very faded, and there is a high chance that it will be severed and he will go feral, never returning to his human self again. We need to wait for your Alpha; only he can help here," says Hank, his eyes still focusing solely on the wolves.
I bite my lips, trying not to panic. Hayden tries to shush Jason while I hug Rosie, who is holding me for dear life. None of us makes any sound except James, who whimpers in pain, and Kyle, who starts licking James's fur. James's eyes are still wary, but he is visibly calmer.
I don't know how long it takes for us just to sit there and wait, but for sure, it is one of the longest waiting in my entire life. The last time I felt that way was when dad and Maddie had an accident. From what the doctor told me, Maddie died instantly at the scene, but dad was still alive when they took him to the hospital, and he died a couple of hours later. I was sitting all the time in the hospital, with hope, praying that he would be alright, maybe this time would be different, maybe this time my prayers would be listened to, maybe James would be alright, maybe I won't lose anybody else...
It takes a while for Mikkeli to get to us because we are quite far away from the central part of his territory, but now I can see a wolf slowly emerging from the forest; he walks extremely slowly, but James notices him and bares his teeth. Byron slowly growls and stands proud in front of James and Kyle; even I can feel that he is relishing his dominance, his alpha's dominance.
For a long time, Byron and James's wolf just glare at each other, and then slowly, James puts his head on the grass, whimpering; Mikkeli shifts and slowly approaches my brother, kneeling next to him. He puts his hand into James's fur and starts slowly petting it. He looks exceptionally concentrated, his eyes are closed, and his muscles are tensed.
It takes another long while, and we all can see James start shaking. I can almost see his bones moving; he whimpers in pain. Mikkeli keeps gently stroking him as James slowly, exceptionally slowly, turns back into his human form. I sigh in relief; my brother is back with us.
Mikkeli keeps holding my brother in his arms as others come towards us through the trees.
Sometime later, everything that happened today, all that blood, all that horror, seems to be almost unreal. We are all in the pack's infirmary, our wounds are taken care of, and everything seems to be at peace, at least a little bit.
James is still sleeping; Gideon informed me that he will probably not wake up until at least the next day. He assured me my brother was in no danger, but he was just exhausted because of the shifting and because of the fight. Hayden is sitting next to my brother's bed in a wheelchair, his legs are crushed, and he will need a couple of days for them to heal, but except for that and some nasty bite and claw marks, he's safe; his life is in no danger. Jason is sitting with Rosie on the next bed, while I'm sitting on the other side of James's bed, holding his hand.
"He really will be fine," says Gideon, giving me a small smile "you all are lucky. Kyle will be only sore for a couple of days as an omega. He doesn't heal as fast as the rest of us. Becca is in the worst condition, but she should be OK. She will stay here for the longest time, and you really should go and get some sleep."
"I want to be with him when he wakes up," I reply.
"So do I," says Jason immediately
"Well, I cannot force you back into your room, but James is in good hands; everything will be fine."
"What has Mikkeli done with James?" Jason keeps staring at Gideon, but it's Hayden who gives him his answer.
"James was at risk of getting feral because he shifted too early; there was no proper connection between him and his wolf. In addition, he was in a lot of pain and a lot of stress because of the attack. When I asked Kyle to calm him down, James was more like an animal, and he was at risk of staying an animal forever. Kyle's omega pheromones can be extremely soothing, and he was able to put James's stress level down. Then Mikkeli used his alpha's wolf to force James's wolf into submission, to accept him as his Alpha, and to connect with the pack. Then Mikkeli had to guide James back through his shifting process as an Alpha. After he established the pack connection, he's able to help his pack members with their vitals and with their stamina; it's a little bit like mind connection."
"In a situation like that, it requires a lot of strength," Gideon interrupts" Mikkeli is very strong, thank Goddess, because what he has done requires a lot of both physical and mental strength, both from him and his wolf. I'm surprised he didn't lose consciousness, but not to worry as all of you, he also needs some good sleep"
I do not answer, even though I have very mixed feelings toward Mikkeli. I'm so grateful he managed to save my brother. I was surprised by his gentleness. He was the one carrying James through the woods to the car and then holding him when we were going back to the packhouse. I managed to see that he looked a little bit pale and tired, but I was so worried about my brother and everybody else that I didn't think about it for too long.
Even though we all want to stay in James's room for a long after a while, I can see that both Rosie and Jason started to daze off. Hayden finally convinces me that he will stay with James and we all should go back to our room and sleep, which we do. Jason and Rosie are already sleeping, clean, and showered when I finally allowed myself to get a shower and to wash all the dirt and the blood from myself. The warm water gently caresses my body, allowing my nerves to feel some peace finally.
When I step out of the shower and come back to the bedroom, I stand face-to-face with Mikkeli. He's wearing only shorts and a plain T-shirt, but his eyes are red and he looks exhausted. He takes a small step in my direction, and subconsciously I take a step back. I'm not sure what he's about to do, and I cannot stop feeling uncertain and slightly fear taking over me again.
"You saved Kyle's life today; thank you for that," he whispers in a raspy voice, ignoring my obvious display of distrust.
"You saved my brother today; thank you for that too," I say.
"He's my nephew, this is my land, and you are all here to be protected by me," his intense gaze makes me shiver, he takes another step in my direction, and I start slightly shaking.
"Hush, I won't hurt you..." his green eyes look at me with such intensity.
He's another step closer to me, and this time I manage not to take a step back. He takes another step and another and another. Soon he's so close to me that I can feel his breath on my forehead, he gently puts his hand on my shoulder, and I flinch just a little bit.
"Please, feisty one, Byron and I need this. You are safe; I won't hurt you," he says softly as he puts his arms around me and gives my forehead a small kiss.
I don't hug him back, but I feel his strong arms tighten around me, my face buried in his chest. I can hear his heartbeat, so intense, so soothing. He gently lifts me and carries me toward the bed. He puts me next to my siblings and climbs on top of me. He wraps his arms around my waist and slowly places his head on my stomach.
"I do need this, feisty one," he whispers, instantly closing his eyes; he's asleep in a matter of seconds.
I place my hands on his head and gently caress and play with his hair. I don't think about the fact that a couple of hours before, I almost died; I don't think about the danger that keeps just constantly lurking around us. I'm focusing solely on the man in my lap. Till this moment, I have never had an occasion to take my time and look at him.
So I take my time; I study his sharp features and his beautiful red lips, and I think about the softness of his hair under my fingers. I can admire his muscles, his strong arms wrapped securely around me. I don't think about the fact that this is the man who kidnapped me, threatened me, hit me, and almost raped me. Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel safe. I feel safe and secure in a way I haven't felt for a very long time.
I hear the sound of an opening door, I look in its direction, and I see Tony entering the room. He looks at us with smiling eyes.
"Are you OK?" I can almost hear a giggling sound in his voice
"No arguing this time; we all must be very tired," I reply, not stopping playing with Mikkeli's hair.
"You have no idea, Hannah," he says. "I can stay here if you wish me to"
"It's OK; he won't do anything. I think he's too tired even to try."
Tony nods: "I'll be in the next room, just in case."
After he's gone, I close my eyes and allow darkness to consume me. I also need some good sleep.