- Home
- How is everything?
I texted as I slumped down onto my bed.
The night had gone almost perfectly.
We'd danced together to all three songs if dancing is what you could call what I did to the first one anyway. I mainly stood there rocking from side to side in giggles as Jamie 'instructed' me on dance moves. By the second song, after having watched Jamie give it his all, I felt enough confidence, to show him just how well his dance lesson had gone, to which he was impressed. Naturally! I'd said that I didn't dance, not that I couldn't!
The third dance was a slow dance, of course, and I must have fallen completely in love with Jamie during that dance. There's something so intoxicating about being held by someone you're already deeply into for three minutes, I didn't ever want to let him go. His whispering, 'I want to kiss you so badly right now', halfway through didn't help and only intensified some other, not-so-wholesome feelings that I was also having during our dance. He didn't kiss me though, he said he didn't want to embarrass me in front of my work colleagues although, to be honest, I'd almost forgotten they existed at that moment in time.
The room was only me, Jamie and my wildly beating heart, which I realised a short while later was actually his phone vibrating in his top chest pocket.
"I'd better take this," he said when he finally acknowledged it, and it was immediately clear that our beautiful night was soon to be ending by his sudden change of expression. It seemed his mother had taken a bad turn, whatever that meant, and needed him to go home.
Just as always Jamie refused my offer to drive him home, using his mother and her 'old school' ways as an excuse. Apparently, she'd freak out if he was dropped home by a strange woman in the middle of the night. I wasn't too happy with being referred to as strange and was also slightly confused, most twenty-year-olds I'd known no longer had their parents worrying to such an extent that they'd 'freak out' as he called it if an unknown friend dropped them home, but it all just added to the enigma that Jamie was.
He did accept a walk to the bus stop which I gladly gave him.
"You know, my work colleagues aren't around anymore," I said as we waited for his bus.
"Yeah," he said with a soft smile. "I'd noticed." With that, he leaned into me, at the same time pulling me into him, and pressed his soft lips against mine, caressing them carefully before opening up for a full kiss, and gently exploring my mouth.
There was no lust or hunger in his kiss, no rush to get to the next stage of it. It was slow, deliberate and patient, as though he could stay all night simply kissing me, and if I hadn't already fallen completely in love with him that night, those two to three minutes, before his phone interrupted us once again, had branded his name on my heart.
His kiss didn't cease until after the phone had stopped ringing and he gave a glance up to the time board to see when his bus would be arriving.
My fingers were still completely entwined in his hair at the base of his neck, holding him in place as I silently wished that time would simply stop so the moment would never end.
Words that I'd never imagined uttering trembled on my lips when his gaze locked with mine and all of my previous fears of sounding desperate drained from my mind.
"Why don't you come home with me?" I asked. "For a coffee or whatever you want really."
He seemed frozen for a moment before letting a low 'Oh crap.'
Not the response I was hoping for.
"What's wrong?" I asked as my nerves reemerged.
"Nothing," he said a little too quickly.
Nerves, maybe? I wondered.
"It's just, my mom, and … er … " he paused and bit down on his lip, looking the perfect picture of when someone who felt on the verge of being caught out with a lie.
"What is it, Jamie?"
"What? Nothing," he answered a little defensively. "My mom," he quickly added. "She's .." he pulled out his phone from his jacket pocket and faced the screen to me. Indeed, his mother was ringing yet again. "I'm sorry," he said before raising his hand to signal the bus to stop. "Can I call you later? I'll explain everything."
I wasn't entirely sure if he had just fobbed me off or was seriously worried about his mother, I was also too far down the rabbit hole to want to see any red flags so the most I could do was pull him back into me for a quick kiss and tell him I'd let him know as soon as I was home.
That seemed to suffice some of his anxiety as a semi-bright smile etched itself onto his mouth. Then he was boarding his bus and I was standing, somewhat rejected, alone at the bus stop.
I made a slow walk back to the club, fighting the whispering demons every step of the way. I'd already caught on to how much he loved his mom, he was clearly worried and in no way behaving suspiciously, my mind relayed on my walk back to the club. It was too late for me even if he had been acting suspiciously. My usually logical, yet overly cautious and sometimes downright sceptical mindset was in a complete array of mixed-matched thoughts which were all simply disjointed versions of the same idea. I loved him and whatever it was that was going on with him just then, I would be there for him with it.
I stayed in that same unstable frame of mind throughout the evening until finally reaching home and climbing into my bed where I now sat awaiting a response to my message.
* * *
Work the next day was miserable, with me slumping at my desk through most of it. Jamie had sent his trademark 'Good morning Beautiful', as well as some other typically sweet of Jamie type of messages, but there seemed to be something missing; he lacked his usual talkativeness.
- Is everything okay?
I texted once I'd settled down in my bedroom for the night. I knew a conversation was brewing and I didn't feel like having it in front of Jay and his constantly mindful eyes.
- - - I guess
Was his simple response.
- I feel like there's something you're not telling me
There was a somewhat long wait before I received his reply.
- - - There is
My phone fell from my hands before I pushed my face into them and sat there, with my eyes closed, wishing I hadn't typed that last sentence.
Why, of all the people that could have kept a secret from me, does it have to be him? Anyone else I wouldn't even care about. Or is that it? Like a great cuisine mistake - life offers me happiness, and then adds a teaspoon of something entirely undesirable.
Slowly, I peeked through the gaps in my fingers to check the screen of my phone to see if any messages had come in despite my not hearing the tone.
What could have changed since last night?
My shoulders twitched in shock at the sound of my phone's ringer. It was Jamie.
"Hi," I said after a few seconds of silence.
"Hey. Are you okay?"
"Not really," I answered, still engulfed in the misery of what I assumed was to come.
"Why? What's wrong?" he asked, his voice filled with genuine concern.
"Jamie," I snapped. I was too full of anxiety to get sidetracked by his tenderly entrancing voice. "What is it that you're not telling me?"
"Oh," he said lightly with a touch of surprise that that may have been the reason I was upset. "Can we talk about it in person? Tomorrow, when I come round."
So he still intends to come around? Maybe it's not that serious.
"I can't do it over the phone. I've had a horrid day, I don't want to argue or anything like that. Can we just talk please?"
It doesn't sound like it isn't serious either.
"We can, it's just ... you know I can't relax my mind after you said something like that."
He let out a small 'hmm' which sounded more like a sigh.
"I told my mom about you," he then said, which seemed out of place but I realised was leading to the thing he needed to tell me.
"What did she say?" I asked, trying to sound more hopeful than I was feeling.
"Things," he said with a small laugh.
That doesn't sound encouraging!
"My mom suffers from panic attacks. She has for a long time now, but they got a lot worse after my dad left. Well, they're not always bad, but … I," he paused and let out a laboured breath. "I probably shouldn't have told her I was meeting you yesterday, she had a pretty bad one."
"Because you were meeting me? She must hate me," I said, not sure if I was more hurt or offended.
He gave a small groan that sounded like a disappointed agreement.
"What does that mean? You were supposed to say that she doesn't."
"Of course, she doesn't hate you. But it's the age thing. It's a big problem … for her," he said, rushing to add the last part of the sentence. "And … er … that's what I need to talk to you about."
"Okay," I said reluctantly.
Sure there was a big age gap, but was it so serious someone would have a panic attack over it? I guess he had already told me that she was old school, whatever that meant in this context.
"Is it a wait till you're twenty-one kind of thing, or she's completely against it?"
"Can we go over the details tomorrow?"
"Why not?" I said, though I wanted to say simply 'Why?' I was sure to be overthinking from now until tomorrow and I wasn't sure if my brain could take such turmoil, especially after the complete happiness I'd felt the night before.
"But look," he added. "Whatever the case, she's going to have to get used to it. Anyone who thinks it's a problem is just going to have to get used to it," he paused for a moment before continuing. "Because I think I'm in love with you."
My mouth dropped and I froze. Did he just confess to being in love with me? And in the middle of a my-mom-hates-you discussion!
"I … " I started, before blubbering with a mixture of giggles and tears. I love you too, I wanted to say, the words pressing against the inners of my heart, wanting to escape. But then there was his mother, and her panic attacks, and the fact that I'd already known that he loved and respected her above everything.
"Veronica? Please don't cry. Everything will work out. Okay?"
I nodded, then after remembering he would have no way of receiving that, I added a short, 'sure'.
Our conversation ended shortly after that. His mother had been calling him for some time, so he eventually made an excuse and left to continue our conversation in sporadic texts throughout the rest of the night. He told me more about his mother's condition and how his father had been somewhat of a workaholic which both he and his mother got dragged into once he began modelling.
For his mother it was the greatest compliment; her son was loved and praised constantly by friends and strangers alike giving her the feeling that she had created something beautiful and amazing. Those were her words apparently and I couldn't disagree.
For his father, however, Jamie's success was simply an opportunity to work harder and gain more exposure, and he put more and more pressure on Jamie's mother to do just that. Jamie had watched over the years as his mother's proud smile became one of stress and anxiety.
That's where that sadness comes from, I thought, recalling each time I'd noticed the dullness that overshadowed his sparkling eyes. And that moment at the club, when his thank you had a much more intense air than a simple thank you, fell sharply into place when he spoke more of his father.
He wasn't one for sentiments and it seemed you were only worth as much as you put in. Hence Jamie built up the practice of working hard to receive the smallest of praises in comparison to the criticisms he would receive otherwise.
That explains him hating compliments too, I guess, I thought, realising that the whole compliment thing didn't have anything to do with the pretty girls, it was his desire to be seen as something more than his parent's hard work, or creation as they called him.
- I can't wait till you come tomorrow
I texted after we'd gone over the story of how his father left them and moved in with one of the women at the modelling agency that Jamie had worked for.
- I swear you are getting the longest hug and kiss that you have ever had
Jamie replied with a blushing emoji.
- - - Promise?
- Of course
And with Jay out who knows how the night will go, I thought.
- Oh, I have a small confession
I typed before explaining the true relationship between me and Jay. Jamie took it well, he found the thought that I used Jay as an excuse to keep men away more humorous than anything else.
- - - That's not much of a confession. I was expecting something saucy!!
- Saucy?? *Facepalm emoji*
- - - Hahaha. Anyway, Jay's a really lucky guy to have you for a sister, and somehow I feel a little less nervous meeting him now.
I felt a tinge of guilt as Jamie suggested that a brother would be easier to get around than a son, claiming that he would probably give a guy hell if his mom ever brought one home, and a twenty year all to boot. He was probably right, if Jay were my real son I can imagine he would be a whole lot more protective, but I would also suggest that the difference wasn't too great as he could be painfully protective as it was.
My initial shock at Jamie needing to tell me something had completely subsided by the time I settled down to sleep. As far as I understood it was just a situation with convincing his mom that our age gap wasn't something for her to worry about. I wasn't setting myself up for a quick fling with a younger guy, and it was my deepest wish that neither was he.
I lay in the dark slowly drifting deeper and deeper into a peaceful slumber when the two beeps of my phone disturbed me.
I let out a low groan, I would usually leave messages until I was more awake, but the thought that it could be yet another goodnight from Jamie prompted me to pick it up.
It was another goodnight, with another message that in my sleepful state, I found difficult to comprehend fully.
- - - Promise me no matter what, you will never hate me. I couldn't take that
- I could never hate you
I typed. It was a simple reply that didn't need much thinking over and received three emoji kisses and yet another goodnight.
- See you tomorrow
I said and dropped the phone, allowing a small, contented smile to spread across my lips.
And he calls me an overthinker, I mused. What could he possibly do that would make me hate him?