you would think after 6 years i would move on from my boyfriend in middle school, but here i am, out of nowhere just suddenly remembered how painful it is having him left me, especially after all the shit that's going on in high school.
i feel like if i don't experience those excruciating days on high school, i'd forget him in a jiffy. i wish i could turn back the time and went to the same high school as olivia and others, but my dumbass thought that i should went to the best of the best or else i'm wasting my potential as a big brain person. but now i got scars as big as my ego back then.
i wish i could drown myself, but my brain said no.
i feel like i'll drop to tears at any moment, i still missed him.
his face is burned into my memory, will never go away.
i want to puke.
i ran to the toilet as quick as possible, here it goes my entire breakfast.
i don't know if this is normal, every time i got overwhelmed emotionally, either it's sad or happy, i always throw up.
this feeling always come out of nowhere. sometimes it's not even caused by anything, i suddenly just missed him, just like right now. i wish i could chase him again, but we don't contact each other since 6 years ago, i still have his number but he blocked me. he cut ties with me without any chance of coming back.
"why?" i said, with tears flowing down my face. my heart feels like it's being crushed by my own self, breathing becomes much harder, and it just bring more tears into me in a positive loop feedback.
"am i not good enough for you?"
"am i annoying? am i weird? please tell me, what's wrong with me."
"why do you leave me?"
why? you went into my heart and then burned everything from the inside. after all these years, i still incapable of fixing what have you done to me.
"would you at least not abandon me? can you at least talk with me? i don't care even if you just answered my chats with one word."
i sent a message to him, "please answer me."
i hugged my pillow very tightly to my chest, hoping that it will relieves the pain, but it just making it more painful. i start crying more and more, i am breaking down like a building that have been abandoned for 60 years. i can't contain it, i screamed your name between my cries, the hiccups start to interrupt my cry for help, until i lost my voice and pass out.
how long have i passed out?
my phone keeps ringing, i don't have the energy to reach it. i can't move my body an inch, i can't even move my mouth, i feel like i don't have control of my body anymore, i am nothing but a flesh that somehow can think.
i realized my body is becoming pale, and my mouth is as dry as the desert, is it the time that i finally let go?
the phone stopped ringing, i guess they also gave up on calling me too, whoever that is.
oh, i just realized my cat been sleeping beside me this whole time, i don't understand what she is talking about, but i know she is concerned.
don't worry, i'll be much happier if i'm gone, though no one will feed you though, heh.
i heard someone on the outside, is it mom? they open the door, and it's her.
"oh you already woke up?" said my mom while bringing a for congee and tea for me. then she feed me the congee, and tried to make me drink the tea but she spilled it on the bed instead.
fortunately i can still swallow the food, it gives me a bit of energy to at least talk for a bit "i-i'm sorry."
"don't worry, i know life's been hard on you." she said, as she feed me another spoonful of congee. "after you're done eating this, just rest. and i heard someone have been calling you since half an hour ago, maybe it's important."
she put the foods on the cupboard, and then left the room.
i check my phone, hanako called me for more than a normal being should, what is wrong with her? she also sent some messages. "hey, let's meet somewhere." "where are you?" "are you alive?" "did you pull the plug already?"
"i'm alive, idiot. and, i'm not going unless you treat me something." i answered her messages. she's rich anyway, probably wouldn't mind treating me a meal or two.
a few long minutes later, she answered, "fine, where are we going? the usual? at 7 right?" i thought she already gave up.
"sure."
hanako went to the same middle school as me and olivia, though we're never in the same class, so we usually meet when we're going home or when there is an event in the school.
she is rich, in fact she owns the middle school that we went in. though i do think her parents really strict on what she can and she can't do back then, and no one actually knows that she's the daughter of the owner unless someone told them.
though she's not a dick like most rich people are, she's pretty down to earth actually. she even ride the train and buses around even though her family has their own driver to bring her anywhere, that's the only way that us can still meet when going home.
but it's been a while since she contacted me, she's busy with college and managing his family's business after graduating high school. i wonder if there is anything special, or she just missed me.
we're meeting at the usual place, a cafe near our middle school.
***
i arrived at the cafe exactly at 7, but hanako is already there with a table full of stuff.
"yo, you're early." i said.
"i got to prepare for my guests."
she doesn't change a bit, she even still wears the same clothes that she usually wear back then, but bigger. a white tee with shorts. "you didn't change a bit."
"why would i? in fact, you changed quite a bit since you quit college."
"am i? never realized that."
"yeah, you look more messed up somehow."
"oh, maybe because i just passed out like 2 or 3 hours ago, and don't feel like taking a shower."
"oh, sorry."
"nah, it's fine. by the way, quite rare that you have free time."
"actually, there's a reason for that. i'll tell you when olivia comes."
"what is this, a corporate meeting?"
she laughed for a bit, "anyway, how's your music going?"
"pretty good, i guess? we have some fanbase, but nothing big."
"we? i thought you're by yourself."
"well, olivia joined, and now we called ourselves natsuzora cider."
"oooh, i guess you delinquent double can't be separated."
"we're not delinquents, we just did some silly things."
olivia chimes in, "well, well, if it isn't hanako."