He couldn't remember. That seemed to be the whole thing he could do, was that he didn't know what happened. Or what was happening right now. His mind was foggy, his surroundings were nothing but a blur, overtaking its boundaries and overtaking him.
The feeling was there, the slight twitch of his fingers along with the pressing surface of the mask against his skin. Someone had the lights on, bright and blinding against the skin of his eyelids. The foggy, blurry mess in his brain pounded against his slow beating heart, he must be on the drugs that made him sluggish and drowsy. His body felt numb, the pain in his fingers and body was sore, though he felt it was manageable.
The noise was of distant chattering. He couldn't make out who or what, but he could just slightly hear above the low whistle ringing in his ears.
It had to have been those nurses and doctors, but he just couldn't see them. He couldn't feel anyone.
What had happened? He just couldn't remember.
Maybe that was for the best, the overpowering flame of sleep overtook him once again. He was powerless to stop it, allowing it to take over his consciousness and into the darkness. He felt it all over again, the sinking darkness into the abyss that made his limbs shake and tear from each other until he was just a pile of nothing.
But soon enough, he woke up once again.
He wasn't alone this time, he was in the room with the doctor taking care of him along with another lady who stood on a chair to his side.
Cameron gulped, his throat feeling once again dry. The doctor handed him a glass of water, silently nodding towards the other woman in the room. "That is Ms. Chirp. She is a trauma therapist, she is here to ask you a few things and help you get through this.."
Cameron gulped down the water, his skin growing strong and cold. He didn't like this idea, but he felt too tired to try and argue back. He allowed the water to be taken back, lowering his back against the wall behind him while he allowed the woman to speak.
"Hello, I'm Ms. Chirp, you're Cameron Jones right?" She gave a warm smile, her legs crossed with a clipboard in her lap. "I'm gonna ask you a few things, you can answer truthfully or not at all. It's fine with me. So, do you feel any pain right now Cameron?"
Pain? What type of pain is she referring to? Cameron asked himself, glancing slightly to her warm skinned face.
"Yes.. I am in pain."
"Is it physically or emotionally?"
The boy gulped hard, his fists tightened with the blanket in his grasp. "What do you think..?"
"I wish I knew Cameron," she gave a sad smile. "I can't imagine what you are feeling right now after what you have been through. Try and help me understand okay? We are only here to help."
The doctor sat down at the window, silently watching. The teenager took in a few breaths. "Okay… My body hurts, I can only slightly feel the pounding of my open wounds because of whatever.. I was given…" He tried to avert his eyes from the doctor, ignoring how the therapist wrote down on her clipboard. "Uhm… My stomach hurts because I am being tube fed…"
"How do you feel mentally?"
The boy hid an eyeroll behind his closed eyes. All he wanted to ask was, what do you think?
-Though he knew better than to talk liek a bitch right now.
"I'm hurt.. I can't stop thinking about.. about it… Everytime it's dark, I close my eyes. I see him…" He had to close his eyes, scrunching his face up. "I see them.. I see what was left of them… What are they now.. I can't stop- no matter how much it hurts. All I see when my eyes are closed is them and him.."
"Him?" The therapist gave a questioning stare.
Cameron gulped hard, looking away. "I-" his eyes shut tight, fighting off the urge to cry or even fall over and just stop thinking, to stop doing anything. It just made him more aware of them, of them being gone for good. "Them- my friends. Where are they now?"
The boy's sudden change and look startled the woman. She shifted slightly, ignoring the eyes of the doctor who tensed up. "Your friends… I don't know about them Cameron, only the police know their whereabouts…"
"What about their parents?" Cameron suddenly came to the realization, his eyes prickled with tears as he shot forward. "What are their parents doing? Do they even care? Are they gonna have a f-funeral? Can I go? Can I see them again-"
"Okay- Cameron just breathe-"
"I have to see them again! I have to see them at peace!"
"Okay, but first you need to breathe," the therapist gave in a few breaths, demonstrating how to do it towards the tense boy. Cameron watches her, slowly following along with his own breathing coming up shallow and small. "Deep breathes Cameron. You're gonna be okay."
But was he really? He felt so lost, so hopeless and stuck in the same spot he had already been in.
"Okay, you're okay?"
He didn't feel like responding, one teary eye looking at her and she nodded her head. She regained her composure, writing something down before continuing. "Okay, so your friends? Do you want to share anything about them?"
"Share anything..?" He gave a feeble response.
The therapist giggled lightly, "yes. You seemed close to them, do you want to talk about them?"
No.
No I don't because everytime I think about them. I see them.. and then I see him and then I'm back to where I started.
His heart skipped in beats, feeling the anxiety crawl back up. He felt too scared to close his eyes, afraid of the darkness. So he just shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest in desperation of any sort of safe comfort. The lady continued to talk, trying to pry the boy into speaking more and opening up.
But it was clear that Cameron was done. The demeanor he pulled up to himself spoke of him reliving the fearful space. Ms. Chirp nodded, thanking the boy before asking to speak with the doctor outside of the room.
They left, the doctor giving a last eye to Cameron before closing the door to face the therapist.
"Doctor Susan?"
"Yes?"
"I can firmly diagnose him with PTSD and anxiety. I can get more out of it but from my observation, he seems to be keen on the friends who passed during the experience." Ms. Chirp made a face. "Are you sure we should not share this with his parents? They should be the first to know if he is to go back into their care."
"His parents seem to make it worse." The tall lady shook her head, "I am forming some sort of plan to get him out of that household. You must have seen his record? He was in the Delinquent Cord along with his friends, his parents showed no signs of any sympathy for him."
"If you think that is the best choice…" The therapist turned back down to the board. "You will speak to him about it right?"
"When he is ready…" She let out a heavy sigh, turning back to the woman in front. "Is that all you can give me? Any better way to treat him until he is ready to recover?"
"Recovery takes time." She sighed, "years perhaps. It just happened, he is still processing it. I feel like it is too early for anything. Has he spoken to the police yet about what happened?"
"No. I have refused them entry to his room."
The woman had a small smile on her lips. "You seem to be taking a lot of liberties for him. He is only your patient, you are aware of that right Doctor Susan?"
"Of course." She shook her head, hiding a small look before going back into conversation. "But back to the police, they were only making it worse for him. If I want him to heal and recover, it is better that he is not reminded of what he had gone through."
Ms. Chirp hummed, nodding to herself. "Right.. but in case you don't know, sometimes when a patient faces what they went through it will be easier to heal. Sometimes when the abuser gets put away, the patient finds a trace of justice for themself and their own friends." Susan gave a weird look to the other women, unable to read what they were getting at. Ms. Chirp gave a low sigh. "What I am trying to say is.. if he faces what happened to him and gets justice for his friends. Along with himself… He might heal quicker."
"But- that doesn't work for all patients.. does it?" The doctor added with unease in her voice.
Ms. Chip replied with a shrug, tucking her board away as she turned. "It does for most."
The doctor watched her walk away, gulping slightly before she re-entered the room. She found Cameron sitting up on the bed, staring out into the gloomy sky from the window to his side. His legs weren't curled up into him again, his body was relaxed.
She came over slowly, making sure he could see and hear her before she sat down next to him and pulled something out from the desk. The boy looked at her, unsure at what she was doing. Doctor Susan had a fresh bandage in her hand, reaching out, she gave a gentle smile to the boy for him to give her his hand.
Cameron did, hesitantly. He watched his hand being soaked in dry blood, noticing that he had squeezed so hard that he once again popped open his wound. The pain was numbed, though he was glad the doctor noticed it and was patching it back up.
That just left the silence in the room. Cameron felt somewhat compelled to speak with him, though he didn't know what to ask since she was his doctor. "Uhm.. what's your name?"
"Hm?" She looked up to him, slowly unwrapping the cloth around his hand. "Oh, I am Doctor Susan. But you can just call me Susan, alright?"
He gave a slow nod, forcing his head away to lean into his knee while she continued. They stayed like that, covered in silence while the doctor silently worked on his injury. Cameron couldn't help but notice how nice she smelt, she smelt like floral flowers, like herbal tea that brought him a sense of comfort. She was tall, taller for an average woman. She had short curly ginger hair, it was dark and scattered with brown highlights. Her face was soft, small freckles doting her nose and cheek while she wore a long white coat and some normal attire.
"So Cameron?" She suddenly bumped him out of his thoughts. He turned to her as she continued. "I hope you don't mind me asking.. but about your parents?" He audibly cringed, his face darkening. "But I was thinking that maybe it is better for you to…"
"To leave them?" He finished for her, causing the woman to stop with wrapping. She gulped, nodding her head.
Cameron made a low sigh, his eyes looking down to the blue blanket that was forgotten near his feet.
"Yes. I don't know why they are like that, or your relationship too well. But from what I witnessed, it doesn't seem like a healthy environment for your healing process."
It wasn't… Cameron thought to himself, just thinking about his parents made his skin boil. He felt the soft hand of the doctor release him. He turned back to her, seeing the softness in her brown eyes. "They are toxic right? Abusive..?"
"They…" He gave a low sigh, his body tensing up and trembled slightly. His hands came up to his knees, hugging himself for comfort as he began to speak out about his birth givers. "My parents just.. don't care… They never really did care about what I did or where I was. Which is why I was a delinquent to begin with." He let out shaky breaths. Susan could tell that this was probably the first time he ever spoke about them outloud to another person. "All they seemed to care about was fighting. Fighting each other or fighting me. I tried to get their attention by doing bad things. And it worked, just not in the way I was hoping for…"
Susan gently took his hand, giving a reassuring squeeze. Cameron still refused to meet her eyes that soon became teary and red. "They are so aggressive. Always so mad, so mean… I never understood why they had me to begin with. It was clear they wished they never did.. they put up a front like they care, but it was obviously just a front. You could even tell without me having to say anything.."
He couldn't help but laugh lightly, hiding his face with his other hand, he tried hard to keep the cries in his throat. "I don't know why I even bother… I got nothing out of them. No love, no support.. even now. I am here and they are still themselves. They never- never… change.."
He sobbed quietly, not understanding where he was going. This was the first time he ever spoke aloud about his parents. He forgot about them, deeming their deeds as something any parent would do with an unruly teen. But he wasn't that bad.
Yes he stole.
Yes he ran away from home alot.
Yes he fought.
But that was because of them.
Susan let her heart break when watching the bandaged up kid cry. His hand to his face to hide it, but the tears dripping from his cheek were clear. She had the urge to hold him, to hug and console him like she could her little nephews. The urge was strong, she slowly squeezed his small hand, bringing his attention back to her.
"None of that is your fault.." She shook her head solemnly, watching him shake like a leaf. "It is your parents' responsibility Cameron. You are a child."
"Hah-" The boy let out a dry laugh. "A child that was treated like a fucking prisoner at my own school..! Separated from the rest, forced to be around my own bullies who pick on me because I don't know how to FUCKING DEFEND MYSELF!" His voice screamed out in rage.
Susan flinched, watching him crumble down and lose to himself like he had given up on everyone. She shook her head, pulling him into her chest where she squeezed him tightly with desperate hands. She continued to deny his words, to deny his own vision of himself.
"You're safe now Cameron. No one will ever hurt you again." She promised him with gentle words, with her hands gently soothing down the curly brown hair as he slowly relaxed into her hug. "You're safe now…"
"Please… Please don't give me back to them…" He hugged her as tightly as his small, broken hands could. His head pressed into her chest with arms wrapped tightly to secure him safely.
"Alright." Susan knew who 'them' was. She knew that it was better this way.