Venna's presence in the manor was a blessing for me. The thought of her mischievous attitude and teasing smirk often keeps me from dwelling on what's about to happen tomorrow. She seemed to have a sixth sense about my state, noticing me getting distracted or when I'd be retreating inward and then attempting to pull me back out.
She returned in the evening to tell me about her thoughts on the investigation, letting me know that everything she saw proved what I had already expected to be true. Her opinion on the matter did more to comfort me than any document or discussion with the people involved had served to yet. That disarming smile and the way she showed her care by holding my hand and rubbing the back of it with her thumb was a very welcome solace as well.
"Has my mother made any sleeping arrangements for you? You'll be staying for tonight and tomorrow and then leaving that following morning so you'll need to sleep somewhere."
"I haven't spoken to your mom yet. I'm sure something has already been arranged though. If not I could always sleep in your room tonight."
There was something hidden in her words. Maybe a tinge of worry? I've been sleeping with my mother lately so it might be okay to have her there as well.
"I can ask my mother if that's okay, though it might be crowded if Noah decides to join the three of us."
"The three of us? You've been sleeping with your mom recently then?"
This is embarrassing to admit but she's already aware of it thanks to Noah's abrupt disclosure.
"… Yeah, I've been having trouble sleeping so mother has been there to keep me company."
"If your mom is there then I see no reason for my presence. I'm glad you're getting along with her."
"It's more like she wants to push her way into my life. I'm not opposed to trying but I'm also not exactly comfortable with how quickly things have been changing."
"Have you told her that?"
"Yes, and she respected my boundaries when I set them. Sometimes I can see that she struggles to accept them though."
"I never told you this, and maybe it won't make a difference yet, but your mother was the only person in your family who expressed concern for you when you collapsed after your ceremony."
"I have a rough idea about the dynamics of my family before all of… this… happened, so that's not all too surprising. I think she has good intentions but it's hard for me to not view their behaviors in a negative light. Especially after…"
It's easier to talk to Venna about these things than anyone else but there's still subjects that I find I hesitate with. Understanding what's going on around me is different than being able to accept that as my new reality. I spent too long thinking so poorly of myself that I struggle to believe that others see me as more than just a tool or a firstborn daughter. I don't think that Venna sees me that way. She and Noah are probably the only people in my life that I can believe that of, and Noah is just a child.
"You shouldn't feel obligated to receive their affections and intentions without scrutiny. You've gone through enough and they've done, or not done, enough to prove that their actions should be questioned in my opinion."
"Thank you for taking the time to see things from my point of view. I sometimes think that I'm in the wrong for still keeping my distance and I'm stressed about trying to meet their desires. Am I not being stubborn or rude for it?"
"They might come to see it that way but your behavior isn't unwarranted. I may, or may not, have taken some liberties with my words to your father and your actions are mild in comparison. If they aren't willing to concede that you will struggle going forward in your relationship with them then that's on them. If they're willing to love you then your relationship with them will change at your pace because they're the ones that chose to ignore it first. It might be selfish but I think in this case it's the right way to look at it."
When she mentioned my father her eyes shifted to stare at a part of the wall that she seemed to find particularly interesting.
"Thank you again Venna."
"I'll still tease you if you're being a 'Cold Iron Maiden' though. That's what I'm here for. Well, that and to eat pastries, play games, and tell you jokes."
She laughed at the gaze I directed her way, giving my hand a light squeeze to show that she'd never mean her teasing in a hurtful way. I've only just realized that we haven't let our hands separate since she returned from speaking with my father. And I'm sad to think that we'll have to when it's time for dinner.
_________________________
Dinner wasn't exactly quiet but it was a lot more comfortable than usual thanks to Venna's presence. She sat next to me on the side opposite of Noah, scooting her chair closer to mine than might be polite so that she could still hold my hand occasionally when ours weren't occupied with eating.
My father asked her some questions here and there about trade and tariffs on goods coming and going to Feyris through our borders. She kept up with him fairly well and didn't seem to stumble through any parts of the discussion. I'm surprised she's improved her studies on subjects outside of the Academy. It can't be easy juggling both.
Noah would try to interrupt to ask questions about Elves, sometimes having to be scolded for talking over others at the table. He didn't let it deter him too much but still listened to our parents. Most of the time.
Mother asked her about any food she'd like and if she had anything she needed while she was here. It was mother that surprised me by also suggesting she sleep with me tonight because she had some things to take care of late and didn't want to wake me. Venna seemed to jump on the last suggestion and only asked if there were any recommendations for sweets as an afterthought. At least she tried to play it off as that but I could see her face grow eager as mother listed a few desserts, some of which I hadn't written to her about yet.
When it was time for bed Venna followed Rebecca and me into my room as my mother made sure Noah understood he couldn't stay with us. He was sad but she told him that sometimes people need to be alone with just their friends and that there were things they might not want to talk about around family. What she said made me feel a fondness for her understanding of my situation and a hope that it might be okay for me to try a bit more.
Rebecca closed my door and I turned to Venna, seeing her unpacking a small bag that she had brought from the Academy. It looked like she had stuffed things in there in a hurry and there wasn't any sense of organization at all.
"Do you have everything you need?"
"I… uh… might have forgotten a few things? I don't think I remembered to bring any toiletries."
"Is that a common occurrence or just something that happened this time? Your baggage doesn't seem to have a lot in it."
"I usually have a maid help me with packing and organizing but students at the Academy are encouraged to be self sufficient so I've had to do it myself this time. I haven't had a lot of experience with packing because I've only travelled to and from my home without a maid before this."
There was some embarrassment coloring her cheeks and she tried to divert her eyes away from mine. This is an easy problem to solve. I looked to Rebecca who was waiting for my bath preparations.
"Lady Rhyvenna is in need of some clean toiletries, could you get us a set please?"
"Yes m'lady."
And with that I turned back to Venna.
"You can use any of my soaps or oils and there's a few towels in the cabinet before you enter the bath. Do you have a gown or something you can wear while sleeping?"
She started rummaging through her clothes looking for something suitable in somewhat of a rush. Everything was just stuffed unceremoniously in the bag so it was all balled up and wrinkled. I let out a laugh at that.
Venna's head whipped around and there was a massive grin on her face.
"I'm glad I got to hear you laugh because I've not even seen a real smile cross your face since I got here. I was worried about you Mari. No greasy lines this time."
Thank the Gods for Venna being here, I'm not sure when I'd laugh next if not for her presence.
"I believe you Venna. Now find a nightgown while I bathe. You can use the bath when I'm finished."
It didn't take long for Rebecca to find toiletries for Venna and then to finish bathing me. When I came out Venna was standing patiently near the door holding a change of clothes that she had found. She went in as I made my way to my vanity to wait for Rebecca to brush my hair after they're finished.
It's at this time of night the past few days that my growing anxiety would start to take over. The gap between when I'd be alone in the room and when my mother would come was always nerve-wracking. The sound of bath water and Venna occasionally humming or talking to Rebecca from my bathroom eased my worries just enough to make it bearable. I was still impatient to have someone in the room and my eyes kept drifting to my door.
I had rearranged the furniture myself after discovering that the less my new room resembled my old one the less I'd hear things that weren't there. Sometimes I could meditate to block out those thoughts as well. But nothing was a perfect solution.
Tonight my anxieties are at their worst even with Venna present, and my fears were quickly realized as I let my thoughts drift. Or maybe because I let myself relax.
There was a knock on my door.
With my vanity situated between the entrance to the room and the door to the bathroom it was loud enough to startle me. I waited to see if it would happen again and if it would be the same type of knock.
And it did happen. Three short but firm taps. The knock of a practiced servant.
I held my breath, not wanting whoever was at the door to know that I was nearby, fearful of who might respond. I wanted to meditate but I was scared that my breathing would be loud enough for whoever was there to hear me.
Again the knock came, with no voice to declare who it was. Without someone speaking about why they'd come to knock at my door I knew now that it could only be one person. I can't respond to her. I know I can't.
But I timidly whispered anyway.
"Who is it?"
"It's me, m'lady. Do you need my help brushing your hair?"
"No."
"You can't just sit there with your hair in tangles, let me help you. You know that I've brushed your hair for years."
"No. I don't need your help anymore."
"But I'm the only person who you can trust to do it well."
"No."
I tried to answer firmly but my voice was stuck in my throat and it was difficult to muster up the strength needed to do so.
"Let me in m'lady. You know that I only care for you and wouldn't hurt you."
Finally I found the will to respond to her. I thought I heard something behind me but I ignored it. I wanted to be away from the door and I wanted whatever nightmare my mind had conjured up to be gone.
"I SAID NO! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!"
I had backed myself in the corner with my eyes glued to the door. My breathing was coming faster again but I couldn't get the courage to try to control it.
"M'lady, will you leave me to die? Do I deserve that after all that I've done for you?"
"SHUT UP!"
My voice was strained and it hurt but I wanted her gone.
"Please m'lady."
"No. No. No. no. no. no."
I don't know when I covered my ears but her voice sounded exactly as loud as it did when she spoke the first time. My own was growing quieter. I couldn't tell if it was my fault or if the other voice was just forcing it down.
It was then that I felt someone rush next to me and hold me in their arms.
"Mari I'm here. There's no one at the door. Mari, please listen to my voice. You don't have to face it alone. Just listen to me and nothing else."
Venna's soothing tone and her warm embrace brought me back. I had shown her the worst side of myself tonight. The part of me that was broken and I didn't want her to know about. I couldn't hold it in anymore and started to cry again. Why does she have to see me like this.
"Let's go to the bed Mari. Rebecca, would you please leave for tonight?"
"Do you need me to stay M'lady?"
Rebecca's voice and the last word she used made me jump and tighten my hands over my ears.
"I don't think you're doing this for the same reason you did before but just listen to me for now. Mari's not comfortable with you here."
"Yes Lady Rhyvenna."
I heard my door open and shut but Venna had kept my eyes shielded from seeing it.
"I can walk you to the bed now Mari. Do you need my help getting up?"
"No, I'll be okay now. I can get there myself."
There was a silence in the room that I knew meant what I heard wasn't there now. I relaxed the shoulders that I hadn't realized I was tensing and followed Venna to the bed.
She pulled me closer after following into the sheets, sliding one arm between my body and the bed and wrapping the other over top but under the sheets.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head quickly.
"Okay. I'm here for you. I'm not going to judge you for anything. You're under a lot of stress still Mari."
"I'm not frightening? You're not disillusioned with me over this?"
"Who told you either of those things?"
"No one. Sometimes my mom would look scared if I asked her about knocking on my door too much. She always listened to me and answered me honestly though."
"Maybe she's easily scared of ghosts?"
Simple as her answer was it still made me feel better.
When I was sure that I'd calmed down enough I knew I had to have our hair brushed. I raised my voice to call for Rebecca.
After that we immediately went back to the bed and Venna held me just like she did a moment ago.
"You know Mari, I'm here for you. I'll send you letters when I can't see you and spend as much time with you in person when I can. I enjoy being with you. I'm not just doing this to pity you. You're tougher than that and don't need to be handled with kid gloves."
I pulled my body closer to hers, pushing myself against the warmth that it offered and feeling her curves gently wrapping around me.
"I know that Venna. Do you think that after tomorrow I can move past this?"
"I believe you can. You might not be able to right away but it's not far into your future."
"Thank you again."
I breathed in the scents of my own soaps mixed with the forest that came from Venna. I had pressed my head between her shoulder and cheek so that I could hide my ashamed face from her view.
With that I easily drifted off to sleep.
The next day I attended Lizabeth's execution with my head held high and Venna holding my hand.
We spent the remainder of that time happily, and I saw off her return to the Academy feeling lighter.