I spent the next morning simply going through the motions because I had to. I had a few new maids assigned to me temporarily until my parents could find an appropriate Lady's Maid to replace Lizabeth. The thought of Lizabeth only served to make my world even more dull and my mood further apathetic.
I made the decision last night to put in the effort to get better for myself. I wouldn't trust my parents to help me but I'd at least try to extend grateful acceptance for what was offered. So long as I felt it was appropriate.
Noah was a different matter though. He was still a child and as such he didn't deserve any criticism or admonishment for the actions of the rest of my family. I would still find myself envious when I think about how he's treated but it was easier to shake that off by thinking about how I would want to be treated by an older sibling who went through what I did.
My mother insisted that I start having my meals with the family at the table. I think she had this done as much to spend time with me as it was to monitor my diet and make sure I ate. I struggled to get through the food but Noah's exuberant attitude was enough to distract me from the arduous task of eating.
My father was silent the entire time, his attitude distant but the careful glances he occasionally sent my way made me realize he was just nervous about my presence. Whether that was because he was unsure of my status as a firstborn daughter, he didn't know how to bridge the gap of our broken relationship, or a little of both remains a mystery to me.
Mother was different. Chatty and active, just like Noah but with a more measured approach. Her questions were about the food I liked, my favorite subjects, and what I wanted to do when I finished my studies. She clearly wanted to attempt to make up for lost time.
I wasn't ready for that just yet. I told her a little bit about myself but I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with too many questions. These are my first steps forward and I didn't want them to just be me pretending that everything was fine.
Noah of course caught on quickly like most children probably would.
"Do you hate mom and dad?"
"… No, I don't hate them."
"Then why don't you want to talk to them?"
"I was trained to be quiet and not speak much and I'm learning how to talk to people so it's hard for me."
"Trained? Like a dog? You're a person so you shouldn't be trained like a dog."
"Training can be for people too like a soldier in the military or a scholar who needs to learn self-discipline."
"Sister uses a lot of big words. Mom gave me a tutor to teach me bigger words but their lessons are boring."
"Am I boring to you?"
"No! I've always wanted to talk to you and play with you. Mom said I need to pay better action to my tutor so I can speak with bigger words too. But I didn't know why I had to. Now I'll try to learn more so I can listen to sister better."
Who packaged this angel and sent him to our house?
"The word is 'attention' Noah. You need to pay better 'attention' to your tutor."
And mom's kind correction of him is a little endearing as well.
"At ten shun. Attenshun?"
"Close Noah. Uh Ten Shen. Attention."
"Uh Ten Shen. Attention! Thanks sister!"
I think he picked that up quickly. I'm not sure though because I don't know much about the development of kids his age. I remember most of my time from three onwards and I was quick to pick things up but then again I was constantly being taught without many breaks.
Once more thoughts of Lizabeth and her 'tutoring' crossed my mind. At the time I was told over and over that my father wanted me to focus on what she was teaching. It was always 'your father' this and 'your family' that. I never once spoke to my father about his demands of me, they were always relayed to me through Lizabeth. I wouldn't expect a different child of the same age as I was to recognize the signs but I can't help blaming myself for not seeing it earlier.
It's difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering back to her. If my emotions were anger, sadness, disappointment, or even hatred it might actually be easier to come to terms with it. But instead I'm just feeling more apathetic, with things around me appearing to lose their color or life.
Do I miss her already? I sometimes think that her method of teaching and the punishments were a sort of distraction from my reality. With the knowledge that my parents didn't care and wouldn't come to see me in the back of my mind because I only had time for her lessons, etiquette, and punishments.
I shouldn't think of her actions in a positive light but how do I stop those thoughts?
My afternoon was spent in much the same way as my morning. The key difference was that my father asked me to see him in his office after lunch.
After going through the customary etiquette of knocking and waiting for his permission I found myself once again in front of my father's desk. I didn't, however, find that I was having any anxiety that I typically associated with being there. It could be because I'm improving or it might just be related to my newfound apathy.
"Marisilea I would like to talk to you about a few things that might be difficult for you. Is that okay?"
"Father this newfound consideration for my wellbeing is uncomfortable. You may speak how you usually do."
He let out a deep sigh tinged with regret and maybe a hint of relief. He's obviously not a man of strong emotions, at least not in front of people he's unfamiliar with. Being unfamiliar with his daughter is a thought I'd like to push to the back of my mind.
"Fine, that's acceptable. The maid that was in charge of supervising you that I assigned…"
"Rebecca."
"So you knew. At what point did you notice?"
"The moment I first saw her. Her behaviors were incredibly obvious and she made no effort to disguise her disinterest in my orders or my… safety… specifically."
"She is currently being held in the upper cells and wishes to speak with you. Her judgement will be in a month's time so you have that long to decide regarding her request."
"What is your suggestion father?"
He looks a bit sad now but then he just shook his head and continued on.
"I don't want to give you my suggestion as I don't want to influence your decision one way or another. It's up to you. Just come to me to discuss it any time you've decided."
"Okay. I'm assuming that's not all."
"Your duel with Henry will take place in a week's time. I was considering allowing him his request to practice with a knight in preparation for it but I'll also leave that decision up to you."
"I don't see a reason he can't. If I'm allowed to practice in the meantime it would be unfair to not give him a chance to clean the rust off his blade before such a big duel. I'm not confident in winning but I don't want to take the cowards way out either."
"Are you sure of this decision?"
"Yes father."
"Then he will be given time starting tomorrow to train. You should consider changing your training days with Sir Verret so that you'll have more practice before the duel. That's all for now."
"Yes father."
As I was going to leave his softer voice broke my stride, stopping me while I had my hand on the door to leave.
"And Mari…"
"Yes father?"
"My door will always be open to you even if you don't want to use it."
"… Thank you father, I will take that into consideration."
And then the evening followed the same pattern minus the meeting with my father. Tomorrow my goal was to change my sword training with Sir Verret. I'll ask for his suggestions on preparing for my duel and we'll adjust my schedule together. I've missed a few days of exercise but that should be easy enough to make up.
In my room as I was preparing for bed there was a small knock on my door.
"Who is it?"
"It's me, sister!"
"Noah what are you doing awake?"
"I wanted to sleep in your room again. Mom said she'd be by later and I hope she'll let me sleep here too."
I want to tell him to go back to his room but being alone right now might not be the best idea. I just hope my mother doesn't want to talk much.
"Sure Noah, come on in."
"Thanks sister! Make sure to tell mom you said it was okay!"
"I will but you need to be quiet because we'll be sleeping not playing."
"I can do that I promise."
His attempt to lower his voice while not completely succeeding was cute.
Mom arrived not long after and she was blessedly not as talkative as she was at breakfast.
"Mari, I'd like to sleep here for the next few days. Is that okay?"
"I won't stop you but Noah needs to sleep in his own room after tonight."
"You can stay here for tonight Noah but you heard what your sister said. Starting tomorrow you will return to your own room. I'll come to tuck you in before bed still."
He looked sad and replied in a mopey tone of voice.
"Are you sure sister?"
"Yes I'm sure Noah. I'm glad you want to spend time with me but this time of night isn't the right time to do so."
"Okay. I won't bother you tomorrow."
With his downcast eyes and that expression that looked like I stole his cookies I almost caved and told him it didn't matter. But I had to put my foot down. I need somewhere to be alone when I think it's safe for me to do so and if he thinks it's okay to come here all the time it will make that difficult on me.
With that I gathered everyone on my new bed and turned off the lights before crawling into bed myself.
The next few days I spent having meals with my family, practicing my sword or working on my magic with Mage Reginald, and playing with Noah from time to time.
My mother slept in my room at night but she didn't try to speak to me a lot and mostly just laid in bed and held my hand. I was more grateful for her presence than I'm sure my behavior suggested but I'd never tell her that.
Mage Reginald and I discussed my options with regards to taking the tests for the Tower and the Academy in between my swordsmanship training. The Tower's test was a week before the test for the Academy's and the results were announced the day before. I'd have to get to the Tower's test without my father noticing and hope the announcement of my results would clear me for entry. I don't have to worry about failing the test for the Academy as studying for the Tower would be more than enough to provide me with a pass for the Academy given their similar requirements.
Two days before my duel with Henry I went to watch his practice from somewhere hidden. He was worse than I thought he'd be and it gave me confidence that I would beat him. I might not be able to avoid every strike of his but I'm certain I could score three 'hits' before he did. His movements weren't clumsy but they were slow and he telegraphed them clearly. I didn't see any signs of feints or more advanced strikes. Just the basics and some flourishes. Flourishes that would probably get him killed in real combat.
The day before the duel I didn't train but I had a discussion with Sir Verret about what to expect.
"You've practiced all your footwork, strikes, and parries so I'm comfortable with you entering an official duel. You are aware of your surroundings during our spars and you're excellent at spotting shifts in your opponent's tactics as well. I'm confident you'll win without your opponent landing a strike but how do you feel about it?"
"Not nervous but I certainly don't have the same confidence that you and my father have in my sword skills."
"Your father is a sword master with the longsword and has seen battle. I trust his judgement on this matter and you should too."
I didn't know that about him. I guess there's a lot I don't know about the usually taciturn and stoic 'Duke of Arkesh'.
"I'll take your silence to mean you're surprised as I still struggle to read your expressions. I guess it's not something most people like talking about. It's not a topic that I bring up in polite company as the first questions are usually 'what's it like to kill someone' or 'is it thrilling to fight in a war'. Most of the soldiers I know don't want to answer those questions and the ones that do are mostly the ones you'd not want to have polite conversations with."
"I'm sure it's a difficult subject to speak on unless you take an unusual joy from it. I'm sure most people that do are the people I'd most likely want to avoid."
"You have a mature and unusual way of looking at the world brought on by your own unique circumstances and tragedies. I hope you don't take that negatively as I think it's a characteristic that you should be proud of even if the reasons behind it aren't anything positive."
"Coming from you I believe that's a very sincere compliment. I appreciate it and will try to take it to heart."
"Do you have anything that you think you'd need to work on in the last minute?"
"No Sir Verret."
"Good because I'd call you an idiot for attempting to cram for a duel like you might for a test."