My mother stayed with me for a while as I sat on the carpet. I did my best to ignore her presence while still feeling the comfort she gave me from holding me and stroking my back. Somehow we remained alone in the hallway and I could think of a number of possible reasons, most of them revolve around my father and his instructions to the servants of the house.
When I had regained some semblance of my wits I slowly stood up and brushed off my pants. I looked to my mother whose eyes were red with tears and tried my best to keep my features calm.
"I'll be going to my room. If there's a new maid assigned to me please let them know I'll be skipping my lunch."
"Mari, will you join us at the table for dinner?"
"I… don't know mother. I think it might be too soon for that."
She simply nodded and called over another maid to lead me back to my room. I could get there on my own but no member of the household should be alone unless they are in their room. It would be improper and others might look down on us. Personally I'd be happy with a moment alone anywhere in this house other than my room.
My room is where Lizabeth and I spent most of our time. Thinking of this, my feet stopped moving and suddenly I had no idea where I could go to feel safe and be alone anymore. What is left for me in this house?
I'm not sure how long I stood there but I do know that the maid that was escorting me went to find another member of the family.
My mother was the one who came again, only this time she looked a little more composed. She waited patiently for me to move or say anything but I couldn't find anything that I wanted to do or say.
So I just sat down there.
Nothing matters and everything in my life was a lie so why should I do anything? Nothing I've done up to this point changed anything for me or the people around me. My maids were all imprisoned or being interrogated so I didn't manage to make their lives better. Lizabeth was imprisoned and probably awaiting execution because of her crimes so I obviously didn't make her life better. My father won't permit me to take the exam for the Tower so I obviously can't make my own life better.
I've never felt the love of my parents. The love I had from Lizabeth was a twisted and broken one. My mother might care for me now but it's been almost sixteen years and I can only remember barely enough short conversations to be counted on one hand with her. My father… Well my father was my father. I probably inherited a lot of traits from him. Who knows what he actually feels for me. Even if I'm not sure it's disgust or hatred anymore I can't be sure it's truly care or concern.
So what's left?
I felt a tugging on my arm as I remained seated. I didn't want to move. If someone wanted to move me, let them move me. I heard my mother crying next to me, repeating my name and asking me to move. Why does it matter? What can I do if I move? Where can I go?
She quieted down eventually and then I heard the firmer footsteps of a Knight. I was picked up and carried off somewhere. As I saw the door to my room drawing closer a feeling of dread began to overwhelm me. I can't go back in there. I can't be around where she cared for me.
I kicked, twisted, and screamed in the Knights arms trying to get free and escape from the room that was in front of me. I was let go only so I could walk away from that room and sit down in the hallway again. The Knight followed me and I heard more voices asking where they could take me.
I heard my mother say something about having another room prepared and that I could be brought there. At least I won't have to see my room.
A few more hours passed and a maid came to get the Knight, who then picked me up and carried me to a new room. I was laid in bed and my mother took a seat next to me. She placed my hand in one of her own and then gently caressed the top of it with her other hand. The feeling was dull and distant but it vaguely reminded me of something better. A brief time when I was happy.
I felt myself growing tired from everything that happened over the last few days. Maybe sleeping would make the time pass fast enough where it won't matter anymore. I could sleep until everything was better. Until I was happy.
When I next opened my eyes I was in the meadow where my Mother Tree was. The leaves on the branches are all gone indicating the end of autumn and the beginning of winter. Their twisted limbs bare of anything resonated with the emptiness of my own heart. This is a good place for me to be now.
'Child, you cannot stay here forever.'
"I know that. Do you think I don't know that?"
'I never said you didn't child. I just want you to know that I care and I want to see you find happiness.'
"You are the only one I have left now though, why can't I stay here?"
'Because I'm not the only one. Your mother cares and your father does as well. They're misguided and foolish. They broke you and isolated you with their ignorance and choices. But that doesn't mean they hate you and want to see you suffer and die. If they did than when they discovered what was happening to you they would have left you to Lizabeth.'
"Why did it go on for so long? Did you know?"
'No child. I could feel the emotions of those around you and I could see through your eyes but I couldn't see what was beyond your reach. I felt love from Lizabeth and care from your parents the few times I saw them. But I also felt your parents' fear and distrust of you and the conflict inside Lizabeth too. I was nearly as ignorant of the goings on as you were.'
"How do I move forward then? I can't forgive my parents and I've lost Lizabeth."
'You don't have to forgive them, not if you don't want to. For your own sake I hope you can grow to care for them again but forgiveness isn't something that should be freely given. It takes the people who broke that trust time to earn it back.'
"How long will I be broken? Will I always be uncaring and untrusting from now on?"
'I can't answer that. I'll be here to speak to you and help you going forward but when you will heal, if ever, depends on you. Going forward you shouldn't let how long it takes you to heal be a sign of failure though. You determine when you can move on from this.'
"Is there anyone in my heart that I can trust now?"
'There is one other. Have you forgotten her so quickly?'
I remember her, I really do. Even now I can feel my mother's hand stroking my own, reminding me of Venna.
"May I rest here for a bit longer?"
'Of course, you may always visit here to rest for a while.'
When I woke up I saw my mother sleeping with her head lying on the bed next to me. She still had my hand in her own, covering the top of it with her other hand. I saw a small boy of four years old with auburn hair asleep on my bed next to me as well. When I looked out the window I noticed that the sun had already set and it was nighttime. How long did I sleep for?
My movement probably woke Noah up as he started to stir not long after me.
"Sister?"
"I guess that's me."
"Mom said you were really sad. She said you needed her to be with you. I didn't want to take mom away from you if you were really sad but I didn't want to leave mom. Is it okay if I sleep in your room with mom?"
"Of course it is."
"Are you really my sister?"
"I guess I am."
"You guess? Do you not know?"
"I've never talked to you before. Do you want me to be your sister?"
"I do! Mom said you're really smart and pretty. Dad says you're amazing with the sword and magic. Is that true too?"
"Well, I don't know about all of that. You have to judge me for yourself."
"I've never seen you use magic or a sword. I can tell you're pretty though! You look a lot like mom and your eyes are pretty like dad's."
"That's very sweet of you. Did mom teach you to talk so nicely?"
"Mom says I need to be nice to people even if they're not pretty. But I mean it when I say you're pretty! I'm not just being nice!"
"Mom's right, you definitely need to work on being nicer young man."
"Why do you sound just like mom now! Did I say something wrong?"
"Your sister is right; you have to watch what you say. But it wasn't technically wrong. Maybe I'll need to work on teaching you about tact."
"What's tact?"
Apparently we had woken our mother up with our conversation. She looks tired but there's a smile on her face.
"Mari are you hungry?"
"I don't feel up to eating yet mother."
"You'll have to get something to eat in the morning then. Can you promise me that?"
"I promise mother."
"Why does she have to promise to eat? Food's tasty unless it's liver. Liver is gross. Are you gonna make her eat liver mom and that's why she doesn't want to eat?"
He's certainly an energetic kid. Would I have been similar if I was born a boy?
"Noah if you can't be quiet I'll have to ask the maids to take you back to your own room."
"I'm sorry mom, I'll be quiet now."
"Are you and Noah staying in this room with me tonight mother?"
"Sssshhhhh! Sister, mom said to be quiet!"
"Noah it's okay, she's just asking me one question. And yes Mari, I'm not leaving you alone tonight. Will you let me sleep in the bed next to you?"
"Can I sleep between mom and sister?"
"I guess that's fine for tonight. I don't want to leave you sleeping in a chair mother."
Mother crawled into the bed with me while Noah moved to lay between us. When everyone was settled I realized that it felt incredibly comfortable like this and I wondered what my childhood would have been like if I could have experienced it from the same age as Noah.
"Can we sleep together like this again?"
"Shush Noah, it's bedtime. Goodnight Mari."
"Goodnight mother, goodnight Noah."
"Goodnight sister, goodnight mom!"
He certainly needs to learn to be a little quieter. With that final thought I drifted off to a more restful sleep.