Ah, yes, like a certain Dickensian duck. You grab a few duffel bags out of the Night Wolf and walk toward the vault.
But, one woman in a spiffy pantsuit wrestles away from one of your henchmen, Dead Horse. She stands in front of the vault, her hands splayed out to each side, as if her body can block a twenty-foot-wide doorway. She is the branch manager, around fifty years old, with graying hair and gray eyes that one could describe with some sort of pointy adjective.
"If you want to steal our customers' money, you'll have to go through me," she says.
Oh, wow. Someone in this bank has morals.
Oh dear, the "scary eyes." A stare so menacing and strange, only the bravest person in the world could withstand them. You perfected the stare at a seminar held by Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken. Of course, it does take some warming up. There are exercises and warm-ups necessary to get to peak crazy. You roll your eyes, stretch your jaw (most of your eye muscles are in the jaw, according to Walken), and squint your eyes closed, then pop them open.
Before you can give her the scary eyes, the bank manager shudders in terror. Even your crazy eye warm-ups are terrifying.
Wait until I Give Her the Marty Feldman Stare
A sonic boom interrupts the scene. No! You thought you had more time! The Matchless-Signal hasn't even shone up in the sky yet!
The bank manager leaps at you. And she has a pocketknife that she's thrusting at you in a repetitive stabbing motion! Wow, your horoscope was scarily accurate today.
She tackles you to the ground, and your shrapnel gun flies away. Before you can retaliate, a mighty wind blows through the bank. The bank manager disappears.
One, two, three other bank employees disappear. Soon, the only people left are you, your henchmen, and Matchless Man! At the sight of the hero, your henchmen let out a collective gasp. And, for some strange reason, Smartica has pulled her goggles over her eyes and covered the lower half of her face. Strange how she's suddenly getting bashful now that the security cameras have no doubt seen her.
Matchless Man is not like other aliens. He does not have multiple eyes or multiple arms, and to someone out there's great disappointment, he does not have tentacles. If someone took the average man, shut him in a gym for years with nothing to eat but protein shakes, then gave him special surgery to make his jaw look as heroic as possible, even that man would not look as astounding as Matchless Man. He wears a yellow cape, a domino mask (one of those silly masks that covers only the eyes, like the Lone Ranger wears) covered in stars, a pair of red trunks (a bold choice now that trunks are faux pas in costumed hero costuming) and white spandex the consistency of paint. The costume is especially tight around his hips.
You taste bile in the back of your throat. Hey, you weren't kidding.
You take a swig of water from the water bottle you squirrel away in the secret pocket in the front of your villain costume, then clear your throat.
"Matchless Man!" you shout. "Once again, we find ourselves locked in each other's arms in a wrestle between good and evil. But this time, I will come out on top!"
Despite how that sentence sounded, you didn't mean for there to be any sort of subtext to that exclamation.
Or did you?
Here's a question: are you attracted to Matchless Man?
When you were in high school, you were a total badass whom everyone respected. As a result, you attracted your fair share of bullies. You coincidentally checked each box of what they considered "abnormal," so they stole your lunch money and crammed you in lockers. Fortunately, you had your revenge by kidnapping them and then pushing them into a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert.
Anyway, if you don't mind discussing it, to whom are you romantically attracted?
Anyway, back to the heist.
"What is it you're always saying?" Matchless Man asks. "Oh, right. 'We meet again, for the last time.'"
He puts his fists on his hips and clenches his heroic jaw. He stares down his nose at you. Even as haughty as he is, you think his stare might be a result of it being difficult to see out of his domino mask.
"Robbing banks again, I see," Matchless Man says. "Is no American institution safe from you, you dull rascal?"
Quick! You need to come up with a comeback that is witty, scathing, well-put-together, funny, appropriate, and concise.
Matchless Man crosses his arms. (Gosh, this guy has, like, two poses, doesn't he?)
"Then I won't mince words with you, nor will I chop or dice them," he says. "You are a menace to this city. The sooner I take you out of the picture, the better."
"Sounds a little dark for you, doesn't it?" you ask. "Good thing is, I'm pretty dark too!"
You open fire on Matchless Man with your shrapnel gun.
What about Shredding Words
Matchless Man has a weakness inherent in all heroes of his type: despite his invulnerability, Matchless Man's deep sense of virtue will not allow him to let anyone get hit with ricocheting shrapnel. Luckily for you, "anyone" includes henchmen. He grabs the bullets in mid-air. You continue to fire. The two of you continue this "fight" for the next two minutes. You will run out of shrapnel-bullets eventually. Matchless Man, meanwhile, will not run out of strength any time soon.
At least, until you use your secret weapon. All you need to do is pull out the gun strapped to your back, and you will have the key to your victory!
Wait, didn't he just say that you always say something like that?
But This Time for Sure the Last Defeat
From your back, you produce a ray gun the length of one of your arms. You aim it at Matchless Man. He drops a dozen bullets on the floor, glares at you, and crosses his arms.
"Lovely. Another gun," he says. "Haven't you realized by now that none of your weapons can kill me?"
"I know you are, but what am I?" you stammer.
Why did that have to be the first thing to pop into your head? What is this, a playground?
Maybe I Should Think Before Speaking to Him