Every minute of living life in trepidation was no less than a horror movie. My life had become one. It could have been a beautiful romantic one if things were questioned at the right time.
Was it too late to change things? Was it? My mind was not supportive, and my heart was consoling. I want to believe it's not, and I do have a chance to make things right. I was not getting how. From where to start? How do I win him over? How do I make him realize that if he leaves me once again, I will be living dead? How to make him aware of the way I was leading my life in scare and distress?
Can I get a second chance? Was it really my second one? I had a lot, and again, no one was to blame for ruining those.
Gray's words had pushed me into anxiety. I was neither able to approach him nor to stay away from him. The words that I wanted to speak have stuck in my throat. I wanted to sought out everything through talking, and now, if I am not wrong, it will only make the situation worse. He was seeking a permanent break from me, and if I dig out everything that happened in the past, it will only add fuel to the burning flame. I am not going to solve anything through a conversation. Thank God it didn't happen, and the tiny thread of hope that I had would be broken just like that.
I pledge my life to him. I am at risk. Barely floating on the sea, I may get drowned if he doesn't rescue me. I have stretched my hand with the slightest hope. Will he save me?
These emotions, which are cascading and for which I gave my personal invitation, are making me miserable. And until today, I didn't know words would be enough to kill someone without any action and no proof.
I was at my cabin, facing the window, and I was questioning so many things. My actions and the consequences that I need to bear. Will he at least punish me by staying with me? Can I expect that much? I can go through any fucking thing as long as he stays with me. As long as he is with me, I will do anything with a smile.
Stalking him, getting updates now and then, and feeling relieved when he comes back to the mansion is exhausting. Every day, this fucking routine is exhausting. Dealing with everything has started to drain my energy. I am tired. His words made me weak.
Will I give up? Will he really make me give up on him? Can I imagine a life without him again? No, heck no, I couldn't. It's fucking everyday agony.
I was determined without knowing how to reach my goal.
I reached the mansion; it was past midnight. I didn't feel like having anything, so I made my way to the room. After entering the room, I was relieved when he was on his side, sleeping. And that's all I am asking for. This was enough for me. His stay was enough. Every now and then, watching his face—that's all I am asking for.
The day was exhausting without doing anything. My mind was drained by thinking. So many emotions exhausted my energy, but still, a smile appeared on my face when I was watching him sleep. I was on my side of the bed. My hands were itching, and once again, I held back. From the morning, tears were threatening to flow, and finally, they took their turn.
The next day, when I woke up, Gray was still sleeping. I made my way to the shower.
I was at the dining room when Gray joined me. We were having breakfast. "We need to go somewhere." Gray raised a questionable eyebrow. "You will come to know." "I am busy." "You are free. No classes today. Other than meeting your dearest witch, you are totally free. Send your lovely sister a message stating that you are busy." "I have other things to do." "Well, when we return, you are free to do whatever you want." "Hey, you fucking didn't inform me prior." "Noted, next time I will now let's get going." "Where the hell are we going?" "Patience."
We were in the car. He was doing his best to hold himself back. He had so many questions. Of course, he does.
I hate this. Where the heck was he taking me? Why the hell am I feeling like he is fucking up to something? He isn't right. No, he isn't. I was consoling myself. But my subconscious mind would emerge at the perfect time to pour water on everything, screaming that he was up to something. I wanted to ask, but for sure this bastard won't answer. I am not able to hold myself.
"We are here," Josh announced. I got out of the car and started checking the surroundings, and to my horror, it was an orphanage. I gulped down. What the hell are we doing over here? What the hell is running in that thick skull of his? Orphanage of God, fucking save me from him. He was up to something, and my throat went dry. I used my full energy to get myself together. "What, what. Continue, for fuck's sake, my inner self. "What are we doing here?" "Distributing snacks and gifts and donating some amount too." I was suspicious, and I was staring at him. That's it. Nothing more or less. "Let's get going." "No, no, you go and distribute. I will stay over here." "If I wanted to do that, why the hell would I drag you along with me?" "That's the thing why the hell you dragged me." "I want you to take part along with me. It's not a crime, right?" Of course, it's not, but why the hell are things fucking not making any sense? I want to glue on my spot not to move from here, but this bastard always gets his way.
We were inside the orphanage. There were so many kids, from infants to adults. Josh was speaking with someone and informed me to distribute snacks to everyone. I was doing the same with some staff. Every kid looks adorable in their own way. Eager eyes seek something good to happen. It was just a snack, and there was still no price to see such a happy face. I didn't know I was smiling too until I faced Josh, and when our eyes met, I averted.
Later, Joshua joined me. We were distributing together. "You look happy. We should do this often." "Yeah, they are adorable." "See, that's why I dragged you. It feels wonderful watching them smile, right?" "Yes indeed." "If you want, we can you know." "Knock it off, ok? Zip the words. That's fucking not going to happen." "Well, just a suggestion. You look happy." "Hey, zip it. Don't pull my mouth." "No force. Just look around if you want." "Don't fucking spoil my mood, and I mean it." "Ok, suggestion, that's it." "Hell with your suggestion."
We were done with everything. Josh informed me that he wanted to talk about raising funds for this orphanage, so he was going to have a few words with the person who is in charge. He dismissed himself. I started watching the kids who were playing. One kid captured my attention, especially his smile, the same as Josh's. I watched for a few seconds, and unknowingly, my legs started taking steps toward the kid. I was near the kid, and he was giggling with another kid saying something, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. "Adorable, one right." "Yes, he is." And I should have fucking thought before spitting those words.
I was in the office room with the kid and Josh. A document was placed in front of me. The person in charge was gesturing for me to sign the documents, and I was sweating. No, no, fucking no, this is fucking not happening. My mind was yelling, but nothing was coming from my mouth. "Do you want to abandon the kid like his parents and other foster parents?" Bloody bastard, I was staring at him like I wanted to burn him at any second. In return, he was smiling. "You know you can always say no to the kid's face." How the hell could I do that? I was watching the kid's face, and he was fucking giving me the same adorable smile. Oh god. "You are his guardian; that's it, and I will be his father. Will you relax?" I wanted to shout and tell him to fuck off, but I stayed mute. Josh gave me the pen. My hands were shivering, and I signed the documents. I end up becoming a guardian.
We were in the car. I wanted to bang my head. While coming, there were only two of us, and now we are three. Oliver was sitting back. I was watching him in the mirror. He was watching the window. I felt warm for some reason, but that doesn't mean I want to be a guardian. For name's sake, I will be a fucking guardian. I know that very well. He fucking won't give a shit to anything. I want to yell at the top of my lungs. I was doing my best to keep myself at bay just for the sake of the kid. Oh god, I was fucking trapped. I knew he was up to something, and I never dreamed of adoption.
We reached the mansion. Josh introduced Oliver to everyone, and we sat on the couch. Oliver was sipping the juice, Josh was too, and I was still digesting everything. What the hell did I do? I ended up becoming a dad. I have to take care of a kid from now on. He is 8 years old, but he is still a kid.
I controlled my anger the best I could. Bursting out is not going to give any solution to the problem at hand. I inhaled and exhaled to calm myself before speaking. "We both don't know anything about parenting. Not even a single thing. How the hell are we going to take care of a kid? Why the hell did you take a drastic step, you fuck....?" "You took a liking to the kid. It's not my mistake." "Hey, he was cute; no deny in that, but adoption. Are you out of your mind?" "It's not that hard, right?" "Do you have any idea about parenting?" "Please spare me from the knowledge. I have enough on my mind already." "If that were the case, how the hell do things end up this way?" "You will be a good parent; I know that, and you took a liking." "Hey, listen, don't fucking test my patience. We are not doing this. Cancel this and do something." "Are you sure? Just say that to that kid's face." "Hey, don't fucking blackmail me." "You should watch your language. I know one thing better: kids grasp things soon." "We don't know anything. We can't do this." "We didn't even try." "Like hell, you are going to give it a try, right?" "Ok. You didn't even try. Look, as you said, he is adorable." I want to kill this bastard at this moment. "Look, don't pull my mouth. I am barely suppressing myself. I am busy, and you are not going to give a dam about anything. Just don't complicate things." "Ok. Go to the orphanage and return the kid. I will talk to them, ok?" "Why fucking me?" "Because you are abounding him once again, not me." "Hey, don't use that word. You are fucking trapping me, and I am not a fool at least to grasp that, ok?" "Ok. Let's take a trial for a week, then you can decide. It's fair, right?" "How the hell is it fair to me? How the hell am I fucking involved in this?" "Because you are my partner. We are not married, or else your name would be on the parents' coloum too." "I am not fucking anything; you got it. Don't fucking involve me in anything." "You are the guardian now. Just give it a trial for a few days, ok? I have a meeting. See you this evening." "Hey, hey, stop fucker, where the heck do you think you are going? Come back." By facing me. "Watch out words, Gray; you are talking in front of a kid. Bye, baby. Have a lovely day with Oliver. Miss me and have fun."
He was fucking gone. I knew this would be the fucking case. What the hell was I supposed to do now?