I was fuming. My head was straight, and by mistake also didn't want to turn toward my right, where Oliver was, and address everything till now. We rumbled everything in front of a kid. We fucking quarreled about our decision. This is the bloody reason why, in hell, I was dead against adoption. What the hell do we know about parenting? It's been only a few hours, and we couldn't stop ourselves. We can do anything, even strangle each other to death, but why the hell does this kid need to witness everything?
Staying around kids means we should be conscious before speaking and holding words; no bloody quarreling only between the four walls of our room, and most importantly attachment would be developed. I was annoyed. I can't let that happen. How the hell was I supposed to always be on guard around a kid? This is a bloody trap. He is trapping me again. I was more than frustrated not getting how to or on whom to remove my frustration.
"I won't be a problem." By swallowing, I turned toward Oliver, who was smiling. He was not crying or showing a pitiful face. "Trust me, I won't be. Don't send me back. I know how to take care of myself. I won't be a hurdle in your life. I can do everything by myself. Tell him you like me, or else he will send me back." I was shocked to hear these things from an eight-year-old kid. Such mature words. How the hell can he take care of himself? I was staring, and the smile at the same level never disappeared for even a second. "I don't like moving from one foster home to another. There is no denying that I learned so many things by moving around. I'm kind of done with this move. Can you give me a chance? As that guy said, we will take a trial period, and after that, you can decide for yourself. During the conversation, one thing was clear: your word matters to him the most. I want a stable family where I want to get old and, if possible, have siblings." I averted my eyes. Siblings' god. He was mature. Too mature. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and digested every word that was left by the eight-year-old kid. I hate this. I really hated everything that was happening. After hearing all these things, how the hell was I going to send him back? I am not fucking heartless like that bastard. I am going to pay for this. Damit.
I was with my sister in a park, she had not stopped laughing for like 10 minutes. Everyone swore to get on my nerves. Oliver was playing with my sister's kids. I was watching him, and I was happy to see him giggling and, at the same time, annoyed for ending things this way. "For sure, he will get his way around you, Damit. How the hell did he come up with the idea of adoption, and how the hell did you agree?" "Trust me, I am still processing everything. I am not getting how the hell I end up signing something along with him." "I was thinking he would lock you up somewhere and never let you go. Indeed, he did, but in a different way. Bravo. My god, this bastard is a bloody genius." "Oh, please, will you stop it? I am already annoyed. Don't pour more water on it." "Well, best of luck with parenting." "Hey." "Look at that kid. He is adorable. I bet by this time you have changed your heart. I know you. Why deny? Just accept it." "I don't know anything, and that bastard doesn't care." "You will learn, and I am going to help you." "Wow, thank you. I am so relieved by hearing that." "Don't be sarcastic." Well, she asked for it. We were silent watching the kids play. The more I saw I was more annoyed and frustrated. For some reason, I felt warm too. This is crazy. "He resembles him, right?" "Han?" She was watching Oliver, who was running around with her kids. "He resembles Josh, right? His smile. Is he his kid by any chance?" "What?" "He is bi and a fucking playboy. Is he, by any chance, his kid? Is he making a fool out of you?" "What you are sprouting, stop it. That bastard is a fucking playboy, but he is damn careful about his sperm. He hates kids." She nodded her head thinking over my statement. I was getting where her thinking was going. "Yeah, you are right. How can I forget that?" "Like seriously." "What? Common I can't erase my memory. Every time he was wearing a condom and making me swallow pills, yeah, definitely he was careful." "Shut the hell up, for fuck's sake." "Ok, ok, sorry. Suck it up, you are a dad." "How many times do I need to tell you I am a bloody guardian?" "Yeah. Suck another thing, your guardian, for namesake, and you are going to take care of everything. Practically, you are a dad. Congratulations." "Why the hell did I meet and share everything with you? You are more annoying than that fucking bastard." "Oh boy, you are gone, case." "Hey." "Geez. Don't be angry. Discuss with him." "Like he would agree to anything." "Give it a try calmly. Who knows, right?"
Is she making sense? Having another round of conversation won't hurt, right? This is a fucking life-long commitment. I can't be sympathetic at all. Nothing is going to work out, and I will be fucking stuck.
When I reached home, it was 8 p.m. I made sure Oliver had his dinner and tugged him to bed. Oh god, I reported to my duty just like that. I was waiting for him. I need to talk, and I need to put a permanent full stop to whatever fuck he was planning. I can't let him win this time. I was making up my mind in the shower.
By wrapping the towel, I came out of the bathroom. Joshua was sitting on the bed scrolling through the phone, and he fucking looks exhausted. I am not going to give a damn about anything I need to get my way around him. This time, I have to do it at any cost. I stood in front of him. He took his eyes off the screen and was facing me—not exactly facing me. This perverse behavior—when the heck was he going to stop?
"We need to talk." There was no reaction, and his eyes were roaming everywhere. Not now. Please I need a dam break from everyone. "Hey, eyes over here. Stop fucking testing my patience." "Go on." Good. I dragged the nearby chair, and I was sitting in front of him. "Look, we can't do this; we both know that. We can't raise a kid in this environment." "What's wrong here? Everything is perfect." "Nothing is perfect. You won't fucking give a dam, and I am busy." "OK, I will arrange a caretaker." "Hey, he needs the fucking love of parents. What the hell would the caretaker give? He needs a real family." "Yeah, we can be his real family." I don't have any problems." "Well, I do. Just listen to me. You don't like kids. Don't drag kids for your selfish motives, ok?" "Yeah, I agree; I hate kids. But I am going to take care of all his needs. Love and other sh*t, you take care, simple, right?" "Hey, listen, okay. I am trying my best to be calm, but you are fucking getting on my nerves. He needs a real family, ok? We are not good for him, and we are not fucking family or anything. Let's not send him to the orphanage, but we will look into a good family who is willing to adopt him. Fair right." "You are ok with that." "Why wouldn't I be? Of course, yes." "Are you going to take blame for the aftereffects, if any?" "What do you mean?" "If something happens to him, then what?" "Why will anything happen to him?" "Who knows? It's just an example of what if." "Nothing will happen; we will make sure of it." "How exactly? Once you send him to another family, you don't have any right over him." "We will thoroughly check their background before agreeing to anything." "OK, if you say so. Go with your gut, and you can make any decision regarding him. I will agree to anything. Discuss with that kid once ok." "His name is Oliver." "Is it necessary? Anyway, you are kicking him out." "Hey, don't ok." "You are doing that exactly. What problem did you have from hearing the same?"
This bastard and his fucking game. I was feeling guilty for doing nothing. It was just a thought, but he is making sure to send me on a guilt trip. What is wrong with my thinking? He needs a family, and we can't give him that. Searching for a family is good and helps solve everything. But as he said, what if? Oliver already went through so much, and do I need to push him back to the same old fucking days? He is just a kid; he doesn't need to do all those things. He is fucking already mature and knows how to smile in every bloody situation. Who the hell does that? Even I didn't when I was going through so many things, I was always in my fucking world of misery, but that kid was different. I can't take the risk of him sending it back.
"Listen, he is already eight, a matter of a few more years. Let's deal with it." "As if you are going to give a dam about Oliver." "I won't lie about that; I won't. But you like kids." "Yeah. I don't want to raise any kids with you. You are fucking using that kid." "Well, no deny in that too. But you are not. So leave this matter already. I am bloody tired." "Go to hell." "For sure, I will, but I will come back for you from there too." "Zip it like seriously. Your words don't have any effect on me, understood? I am fucking done with you." "Yeah. Yeah."
That's it done. He got his way, and he went to take a shower. I was lying on my side, thinking. When I agreed, I needed to start thinking about his future and kids-related things. I need to discuss this with Maria. Oh god, I am doing this. Damn to my life.
He was out of the shower, and the water was still dripping. My eyes started to wander on his body, and this was where I needed to distract myself. I turned around. He was beside me in no time. He was close; I could feel his breath. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms. I was fighting against it. "Leave me alone." "Sleep. I won't do anything else. I promise." And yeah. Damn once again to my life.