Wednesday.
Day 11.
Lectra.
Issa left and all I wanted to do was cry again.
I didn't know if I would be able to forgive Wes. I know he didnt mean what he said. I mean, c'mon, I was a total hotty. But nobody likes to hear from their crush that they weren't attractive, even as a joke. And boy, what a stupid joke it was.
As usual, Issa was right, I did have a big fat crush on his stupid ass. But after this, I wasn't sure I still did. Who was I kidding, Wes could stomp on me and I'd still care about him somehow. He was all I had from the outside world now.
After waking up to see Claudia butt ass naked in front of me, getting dressed, I was angry at first, but of course I was mainly jealous, and the anger just took over. Now all I felt was sadness, all because I couldn't control my jealousy over him when it was clear he only saw me as a friend.
I was still sitting in bed just after Issa had left, when I felt a stray tear fall from my cheek. Anger was the only thing keeping me from crying, so that's what I was going to hold on to. I abruptly shake my head long and hard, and refocus into reality. That's when I remembered Blake was still here with me in the doorway, watching me with a worried expression now. Oops.
"I totally forgot you were here. That's embarrassing." I quickly wiped away the tears that stayed on my cheeks, hoping he hadn't noticed them yet, but I could already tell he did.
"Yeah, well-I'm kinda done taking everything you asked for from your old room. Can I just hang out here till Issa gets back?" He was looking at me like he knew damn well I was upset, but didn't know what the right thing to say was.
I knew Blake long before Issa even came along, but we weren't really the best of friends. Whenever we were alone together, like we were right now, things always ended up getting awkward.
"Go for it." I respond finally, sounding slightly annoyed, which was strange. I had no reason to be annoyed with him, but it came out that way. The awkwardness was already settling in. I quickly clear my throat and try again;
"You should have seen the look on his face when you kissed her. It was priceless." Blake finally steps away from the door, avoiding eye contact as he walks over to one of Issa's chairs and sits.
"I bet it was. I wonder what he wanted her for that we couldn't hear." I hadn't even thought of that until now. It was strange that we couldn't hear whatever it was that they needed to talk about. I was definitely going to have to get it out of her later. I knew she could tell me anything.
"Yeah, it's weird." He nods and begins swiping a hand along his forehead, wiping away a line of sweat that had gathered from his hard work that I now kind of felt bad for forcing him to do.
"Sorry for making you carry everything for us, I really should have helped." It was the first time I'd seen him actually smile since we'd been alone, and I felt tension dissappear immediately, but only slightly.
"Actually, that douche you call a friend should have done everything for you. But I didn't mind helping. I'm sure you didn't mind watching me help either. Judging by all that drool." Another big smile shows up on his face before I could decifer what he actually meant. It was then that I remembered how obvious I was making it earlier that I was fanning over him, and I felt my face get hot instantly.
"Oh, um. Yeah, you looked-it was fine I guess-whatever." I could feel more awkward tension building by each word I spoke, digging myself deeper in a hole. I just needed to simply shut my mouth, but the entertained look he was projecting was only making me more nervous.
"I mean, of course I enjoyed it. You look like you were sculpted by Gods-oh boy." I finally managed to shut my trap when he began laughing at my misery.
"Hey, it's fine, you're obsessed with me. Got it." I slap my forehead so hard the sound pretty much echoed down the hallway into the next couple of rooms. I look at him, not wanting to say another word in case I accidentally blurted something worse, which seemed impossible. Expecting him to want to leave my stupid butt right then, he simply says;
"I'm just messing with you Leah." Hm. It was weird hearing my real name. Nobody ever called me it anymore, not even Wes or Issa. I was surprised he even remembered it. The only one who ever called me Leah was my brother, who I obviously wouldn't see again while being here. It was refreshing to hear someone saying it. It felt like home.
Blake must notice the change in my expression because he was adding sadly;
"Hey, I noticed earlier you were-" Surprising even myself, I butt in, sounding annoyed again;
"Yeah, I was crying, and yes I'm fine. Just needed to let it out for a minute." I interrupt him, causing him to flinch at my tone. He didn't look offended surpringly, just like he understood. It had only been less than a day and I was already sick of people telling me they were sorry, or asking if I was okay. I just didn't want to hear it again today.
"I was actually just going to say that I'm here for a shoulder to cry on if you needed it. I've heard I'm pretty comfy to lay on-uh-my shoulders, I mean." Now it was his turn to act embarrassed by himself. I was pleasantly surprised that he hadn't planned on giving me the usual pity party, that I actually started to feel better, like when Issa was here.
"I'll have to hit you up for that some time then." As I say this, Blake smiles harder at me, then as if it was my first time seeing him, I find myself studying him some more, really seeing him this time. Of course I had already deduced that Blake was drop dead gorgeous. But his smile was something special, and I found I didn't want to stop making him do it more. Before I can stop myself, I was blurting a confession;
"You have a nice smile." Blake didn't get up and want to leave from my very up front compliment like I was honestly expecting. Instead he began looking my face over like I had just been doing with him. After a short time, he smirked and added;
"Thanks. You know, its weird we don't hang out all that much anymore. Why is that?" I could name multiple reasons why I had stopped talking to Blake. One being that we were just way too awkward to make plans in the first place, so no one ever did. But the main reason was because he had started dating Lizzy, and well, she didn't like me, so I steered clear of that mess.
"One word; Lizzy." I didn't want to burst his bubble and also say it was because he made me feel uncontrollably awkward when he and I were alone. What was up with that anyway?
"Oh. That makes sense, she was definitely jealous of you. But I'm sure you knew that." While he was talking, I had started making my bed on the floor beside Issa's, but as he finished I couldn't help but stop. I turned back to him with a big curious smirk, then ask;
"Jealous? Of what exactly? You and I were just friends." I catch a small glimpse of a change in his eyes, then it was gone before I could make it out. Then he was answering me;
"That's just Lizzy, I guess. She may act all confident and cool, but she can be pretty insecure at times. Especially with-other girls." He paused slightly before finishing his sentence, as if he was choosing his words carefully.
"Wow, that's surprising. Didn't think she was the type to get jealous. More like she would get a boner from just seeing herself in the mirror." Blake let's out a big manly laugh then stated;
"Ain't that the truth." Just as fast as he looked happy, he was looking sad again. I had forgotten she had cheated on him, I just wasn't aware he was still upset over it. I mean, they only dated briefly.
"I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about her dumb butt anymore." He only shrugs and smiles kindly again then says;
"It's not that I miss her or anything like that. I just-I'll be fine." All I could manage was to nod at him, still feeling worried for him knowing he was obviously hiding something. I'm preparing myself to ask more questions, when Issa finally walks back into the room, with big puffy red eyes. She had been crying.
"Oh hell no! Who do I have to beat up?" I ask the question, but already knew since she was just with George. Issa only looks up at me with a tiny forced grin, which only made me go further into mama mode.
"I'll kill him." She shook her head and opened her mouth to say something, but not a single sound came out. All I could make out was a mouthed no. Suddenly Blake was by her side, holding her in his arms, and I felt weirdly jealous. Why hadn't he hugged me when I had been crying? I quickly snap out of it, feeling guilty for thinking my problems were more important than Issa's and tune back in.
"What happened Issa?" She hugged him back, but didn't start crying like I was expecting. I watched as they hugged closely. Blake was hanging onto her for dear life, like if he let go she would disappear. Issa was the first to let go. I hated how I was feeling watching my two friends. I should be happy, not whatever it was I was feeling.
"Me and George kissed. But now he really believes we are together, so mission successful, I guess." All Blake could do was stand there and watch her, looking awkward now.
"We can stop this if you want Issa. If it's just hurting you more." I'm surprised when Issa shakes her head back and forth hastily.
"No. I want to keep doing it. It's getting to him, so that makes me happy." Yeah, clearly she's overflowing happiness right now. I didn't know how to tell her it was a bad idea without also telling myself it was for my own satisfaction, so I ultimately stayed silent.
"If that's how you feel." Issa nodded so lightly I almost didn't notice it. She still hadn't acknowledged me standing near our beds and I was beginning to feel invisible when Blake broke the silence filling the space;
"We finished moving stuff-" Blake paused and smiled over at me then added;
"-well, 'we' did." He air quoted around the word, reminding me how lazy I had been, but still making me smile anyway at his playfull sass.
"Yeah, that's good. I kinda want to be alone if that's okay-" Issa's response was as if she hadn't actually heard what Blake had just said to her, and was just replying to get him to leave. She was also speaking like she not only forgot I was in the room, but also that I was now bunking with her and she could in fact not be alone like she wanted.
Guilt filled me to the brim in an instant. I wasn't even here for a day and I was already becoming a burden to Issa. All she wanted was alone time and now she'd have to deal with me being here bothering her. Crap.
"I'll get out of your hair too then." I talk and Issa whips her head around to look at me, remembering I was now her roomie for awhile. A look of regret covers her face and she was quickly reiterating;
"No, I don't mean you Lectra. You can obviously stay-" She stops talking once she sees the hurt look on my face. I tried my best to hide how I was really feeling but failed. I would just have to simply go back to my old room, with Wes. Even if we did literally just move most things out of it. Crap again.
"She can come to my room for tonight. I don't mind." Catching me off guard, I look over to Blake, watching me, waiting for some form of approval. I simply stare back at him giving him a 'you're kidding right' look. He gives me a side smirk and begins nervously playing with his fingers, popping every single one of them nervously. I knew he was expecting me to reject him, but what else was I going to do besides going back with Wes? Hell no.
"I'm good with that. Let's get going."
"Really? Alright, cool!" Issa was still looking at me with eyes full of guilt when she says;
"Oh-well if that's what you want. You can come back whenever, you know that right?"
"Don't worry about it Iss." As sad as I was to be leaving Issa alone in her room, I was also pretty excited to be going to Blake's. Alone. Oh no, maybe not.
"My room number is 100, Issa. If you get lonely you'll find us there. Let's go." And just like that, I was saying goodbye to Issa and leaving her room, ready to embarrass myself in Blake's room some more.
•••
Me and Blake make our way past the many rooms and people strolling the halls next to us, until Blake finally halts in front of room 100. The room that I'd have to be alone with him in for who knows how long.
I've never had a shy awkward phase, ever. Never with any guy or even girl, I was just naturally confident. There had never been a single person that I felt nervous to talk to, that is until Blake, and I almost found myself despising him for making me feel this way. Whatever it was I was even feeling.
"Mi casa! Erm-I'm not sure why I said it like that." I giggled like a little school girl at his remark, already wanting to bury myself six feet in a hole.
"Wow, he's even bilingual. Impressive." Well good recovery at least. He rolls his eyes at me then opens his door for me to come inside. I walk inside and see the most stereotypical guys room ever.
"A Call of Duty poster?"
"What do you have against COD?" I casually walk around his room, studying everything a little more closely now, feeling remarkably better now that I was actually here. I exhaled and responded;
"Nothing. I played it too. Past-tense 'played'. When I was like, ten maybe?" He scoffs at me and holds his hand over his chest, acting completely offended.
"You're just jealous." Blake is watching me with narrowed playful eyes as I sit myself down on his bed.
"Yeah? Jealous like Lizzy is of me?" I hadn't meant any harm by it, but after I said it, I knew I shouldn't have said anything at all. I'm surprised when he actually doesn't even look all too upset by my mention of Lizzy. All Blake does is take a couple steps forward and sit on the other side of the bed I was on.
"You know what I just realized?" Blake's voice had gone all serious now as he spoke. He was making direct eye contact, and I could feel the tension building back up once again.
"What did you notice?" He smirks and slaps a hand onto his bed lightly, almost causing me to jump.
"I'm gonna have to sleep on the floor or something tonight." That wasn't what I was expecting at all, but it was a relief. I didn't know what I was honestly expecting, but this beat it.
"Wait-why would you need to sleep on the floor?" It took me until just then to actually hear what he had said to me.
"Well, I just assumed you would sleep here. Since Issa wanted to be alone tonight-" Before he got the chance to finish, I burst out laughing at his assumption. I'm not sure what it was about what he said that was so funny to me, but I couldn't help but laugh at him for it.
"That's super nice Blake, but I'm sure I can just go back later tonight. Plus, even if I did sleep here, I wouldn't make you sleep on the floor in your own room."
"It's just-I've been in Issa's shoes before-before I was taken here. I just have a feeling she wants to be alone for awhile." I had to partly agree with him. Of course Issa wanted to be alone, I also wanted to be alone after what happened with Wes today. But as much as I wanted to be by myself, I knew being with a friend is what I needed.
"She might want that, but a friend is what she needs. I'll at least go see her later tonight." Blake nods an okay at me but says nothing. I study the disappointment in his eyes some more, then a smile curves into my mouth as I add jokingly;
"Oh, I see now. You just wanted me to to sleep here with you that bad, huh?" I was completely joking, but he reacted as if I wasn't.
"What-that's not it at all."
"No, no. I get it, I'd want to sleep next to me too. And that little invite earlier to basically cuddle with you? Smooth." He finally catches on and slaps a 'ha ha very funny' smirk on his blushing face.
"Careful. You're starting to sound like Lizzy."
"Oh wow, that's pushing it too far. At least I'm right about how good I look." Blake doesn't laugh at my obvious, kind of, joke. All he does is watch me. His eyes were on me only a small amount of time, but it was enough to make me shuffle in my spot on the bed. I cleared my throat as I watched him right back;
"So-do you have anything fun to do around here?" 'I could always just do him' is what I really wanted to say, but I held it back. I needed to get a hang of myself and not be a horn-dog. I straightened up, mainly for myself and watched as Blake's face slowly lit up by my question.
"Oh, just you wait." He quickly and excitedly got up from his bed, looking significantly younger by the way he was jumping around now as he made his way over to his dresser. He opens it and moves aside a few socks and underwear. I giggle under my breath as I try not to pay too much attention to a plaid pair that had fallen onto the floor as he finally pulled what he was looking for from the drawer.
"Is that what I think it is?" Blake doesn't answer me at first. He walks over to the door and flicks the lock. If I hadn't seen what he was holding I definitely would have had in mind that he was about to switch into axe murderer mode, but I knew better. He hurriedly turns back around and faces me, waving the bottle in the air around us.
"Tequila!" Blake says it a little too loud and I bounce up from the bed to shush him, getting close enough to rip the bottle from him sneakily. Any alcohol was strictly forbidden from any of us, except the guards of course, which only lead me to my next question;
"Where did you get this from?" I gaze at it longingly, not truly caring how he did get it, just simply wanting to start chugging it down.
"It was a present from Lizzy. I didn't know how she even got it at the time, but now it makes sense." He didn't have to say it, I could connect the dots. She must have been sleeping with a guard, or two, to trade for it. How classy. I was judging her, but it was for alcohol, so how much could I really judge her for it?
"Good to know she wasn't all for nothing." He nods slowly in agreement, waiting for me to open the bottle and have at it. Was I a bad friend for not inviting Issa over here with us? Maybe even if I did tell her, she wouldn't even want to drink anyways. Shit, I was conflicted as hell.
The first thing I do is hand it back to him, watching it as Blake took it back, like I was giving away a beautiful little clear puppy.
Instantly Blake was reading my mind;
"Don't worry about Issa. What she doesn't know won't hurt her." Any other day I would be telling him he was dead wrong, I didn't want to have to hide anything from my best friend, but today, I was all in. Sorry Issa.
"Give me the bottle." Without even a half second of hesitation, the bottle was handed back to me.
"Here goes nothing-" Blake watches my every move as I break the seal on the bottle and take off the lid, then I began drinking it down. It hadn't been all that long since I had drank, but it was long enough to burn like hell. I fall back down onto Blake's bed, coughing up a storm instantly. What made me so confident I was able to chug straight tequila like water?
"Damn. Here-" Clearly impressed with my not-so-incredible skills, Blake jogs over to his mini fridge and takes out another bottle. Thankfully this time it was just lemonade. I drink it until my throat felt better then I notice Blake had also taken the tequila in his hands.
"Okay, my turn to try and be a badass then." He lifts the bottle up, readying himself to drink it like I had, but hesitates as he's about to.
"Aw, don't beat yourself up about it. It's not easy being me." I was tossing my long hair behind my shoulders, acting overly cool, even though I was definitely no pro like I was pretending to be.
"Here, I'll count down for you-three-two-"
"One!" Blake quickly interrupts me loudly and tilts the tequila up into the air and begins downing it, faster than I had this time. Then just like that, he was pulling away from the alcohol, reaching for the lemonade I was drinking, instantly gagging from the taste. He sits down beside me and all I can do is rub his back, holding in my giggles.
"See what happens when you try and one up me? What did we learn?" Blake puts down the lemonade and just stares me down, still looking ready to cough, but now narrowing his eyes on me.
"Is that another challenge I hear?" We sit there, only inches apart, and I only move in closer to him while I say;
"Sure was." I catch him, for just one second, glancing down at my lips, then back up into my eyes. I quickly move away from his face, realizing how close I really was. I'd only just noticed then how I hadn't thought about Wes once since me and him were together.
Blake distracted me in a good way.
"You're on." Blake finally says, taking me away from my thoughts. I smirk up him then snatch away the tequila to which he immediately tried taking it back. As cheesy and cliché as it was, Blake began chasing me around the room trying to get it back, although he was very unsuccessful.
"You're so slow!" I finally cornered myself and manged to drink a few painful sips, when Blake came up from behind me, still trying to grab it from me. At first he was keeping his distance, trying his best to take it without touching me much, but that was getting him nowhere close enough to get it.
"You asked for it!" It was then that he finally pressed himself up against my backside. The moment I felt him against me, I felt myself give in and stop stretching away from him, and he managed to grab it. His hand was still around my waste when he started to drink from it, and I didn't move away even an inch.
"Shit that stings." As he speaks, I turn to find his face just around my shoulder, cringing at the flavor once more. He must not notice his hand placement, but it's all I can think about. I could feel myself getting dizzy from the alcohol now, while also becoming way more relaxed, so I had no problem saying what I wanted just then.
"You're touching me." It became apparent that he was also feeling the buzz by the distant look on his face as I spoke to him, but he seemed to still understand because he was quickly backing away and removing his hand.
"Oh-I'm sorry Leah." There he goes with using my real name again.
"Are you okay?" I didn't even realize my expression had changed to sad until then, and knew it was too late to lie about it, so I simply gave in.
"I just miss my brother. He was one of the only people who still called me that."
"Leah? I just always preferred it over Lectra. I can stop if you want?" Looking unbelievably sorry, Blake began moving over onto his bed, almost tripping on his way over, almost making me chuckle.
"No, I like it when you call me Leah. Don't stop, please?" Simply nodding at me with a small smile, Blake pats over next to him on the bed for me to come sit, to which I happily do. Neither of us say anything for a minute, until I point to the tequila for a drink. He quickly laughs at me and hands it to me.
"I'm glad we're finally hanging out alone together. I know I can be awkward sometimes, you're just kinda intimidating." It was obvious he was saying all of this because of the confidence the buzz was giving him, but I was doing the same thing.
"Intimidating? Explain please." I knew what he meant. I was all too used to hearing I was just that, but I still wanted to hear him say it.
"Like earlier, how you're so sure about yourself, or right now, how you're maintaining this eye contact like it's nothing. It's-"
"Scary? Do I scare you Blake?" He quickly brings up his hands in defense and snorts a nervous laugh, shaking his head no. Then his joking composure was gone and he looked serious again.
"It's refreshing. I like it." I wasn't sure why, but I suddenly found myself really wanting to hug him, but wasn't sure how to ask, or more importantly, if that would be weird to him. So before I could chicken out of it, I said the first thing on my mind;
"Can I take you up on that cuddling you promised me earlier, now?" He instantly tensed up, like a highschool guy flexing, ready in case some girl were to, for some reason, touch his chest and he'd already be all abs-ed up and buff for them. Then I was surprised when he finally answered me;
"Of course." I don't move, I have no idea what to do now that it was happening, so I let Blake take over. He was instantly moving further onto his bed, then he layed back and was laying down, arms wide open, waiting for me to come join him. When I don't move, he tilts his head at me, looking impatient for my touch now as he says;
"Come here already." I remembered I had the tequila in my hands and quickly got rid of it on his dresser before slowly moving over to him again. Feeling warm from the alcohol now, I strip off my flowing flannel, tossing it aside, leaving my arms bare as I got closer.
I get on his bed and finally wrap myself up inside his arms, laying my head along his chest, inhaling his scent. I was surprised that he was a odd mix of Chai tea and that f-boy smelling air freshener you would use for your car, called 'black ice'. I smiled, enjoying his unique smell.
"So?" I tilt my head up to see him as he speaks, and realize just how close I really was to his face. Then I lift it back down on his chest again as I responded;
"So-what?"
"So, am I as cuddly as I promised?" He definitely didn't lie, he was indeed surpringly comfortable to lay on. Even with all the stiff muscles laying out his entire body.
"Almost too comfortable maybe. What are you made of? Memory foam?" He giggles and my head bobs along his chest, up and down rhythmically. It was then that I noticed just how loud his heart was beating as I layed there, arm caressing his warm body.
"I'm glad you approve." I don't bother saying anything else, all I wanted to do was listen to the beating of his heart, like it was music. I could feel his breathing deepen as I blew little black baby hairs from my face, tickling my nose with each breath. I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until Blake spoke up once more;
"Hey-don't fall asleep just yet." I still didn't want to talk, I was in such a state of zen I couldn't. All I did was shake my head no at him, feeling sleepy all of a sudden. I stretched my arms further until I was completely wrapped over him, never wanting to let go. I was finally feeling peaceful with Blake.
It was nice to be able to just lay with him, just as friends, and it not be weird at all. Just friends. But why did it make me almost upset saying it? I couldn't actually be feeling anything other than friendship for Blake, he and Issa had an obvious attraction for eachother, he couldn't possibly like me over her. And I most definitely did not like him back, even if he ever did like me.
I couldn't like Blake, he was my friend, and the last time I had a crush on a friend, it ended up going south. Ugh, Wes. Yeah, I still liked Wes more than a friend even though I shouldn't. Or did I even really still like him like that? Yes, no? I seriously had no idea. He hurt me and I was confused. All I did know in that moment was that I one hundred percent liked Blake, no matter how much I told myself I didn't.
Damn it Leah.
"What are you thinking about?" I jump, totally not expecting the question to be asked, knowing damn well I was just currently thinking about him, and how I truly had a stupid, idiotic crush on his gorgeous self.
"Um-Wes." With that response, all I could think then was; put me out of my misery and kill me now, please.