Happiness was foreign to me, like a secondary language I'd been taught growing up, forgotten now that I was older.
I was not referring to the fleeting joy I experienced through my sisters' smiles or my mom's cooking but the blazing, unburdened, and unrestrained happiness I didn't have to kill for. My soul yearned to merely touch that level of brightness—to burn my fingers on excitable rays of hope, but at the end of every day, my sisters' smiles fell, and my mom's food went cold.
What was it like to be happy?
Exhausted lungs performed dispassionately inside me. My shoulders were sinking from the increasing weight of my lies, the immoral missions I've endured, and my betrayal to come. And inside my chest, my heart came closer to resembling dust with every decision I made.
I couldn't remember how it felt to be happy. My bones couldn't remember it when I moved, and my laugh lacked the note that acknowledged it.
I missed how I'd felt when my dad was around.
Then, I'd been untouchable, and worry couldn't climb the fence of happiness I'd built around myself.
Despair coated my eyes. I wanted to cry, but vulnerability expressed to even myself nauseated me. Shame pestered me—pulled on my hair and poked fun of me for the strength I lacked to handle everything required of me. My dad had balanced so many burdens on two shoulders alone. His only son should be capable of the same. Or would I become someone my dad couldn't be proud of and die without honorable memories on my headstone?
August was approaching, and I wondered if I'd see Ruith again. That was selfish, wasn't it? To crave a hug from him and the promise that you'll be okay. I wanted him to squeeze hope into my hand and talk to me. About anything. I could listen to Ruith speak about everything. His voice had always been delicate and sweet, like my mom's, and it comforted me.
I couldn't bring myself to see him. Guilt had already started gnawing on me from within; to see Ruith now would have me crumbling. He was my best friend, and I would betray him and contribute to the demise of an entire race with a selfish excuse to justify my actions. After everything he'd been willing to do for me…
What kind of friend was I? What kind of person did my readiness to commit evil make me?
I turned over in my bed, hugging my oxygen mask to my face. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't cry because then I wouldn't inhale correctly. If I wheezed too loudly, the sound would penetrate the thin walls of our home and worry my mom.
Closing my eyes, I exhaled a staggering breath. If, for a day, I could forget about all my responsibilities, I'd latch onto the opportunity.
My dad had once told me to pray if my hands were full and the weight of what I carried too heavy. He'd promised that God would take care of me then if I believed in Him.
Is that why my dad had died? Because he'd believed in God?
Sorry, dad, but how can I believe in a God that didn't save you?
In the darkness of my room, I lay curled in my bed, head throbbing with a passionate mixture of grief and guilt. I wanted it to stop. All of it. My fingers dug into my mask. I wasn't strong like my mom or capable like my dad. Inside, I was brittle, and every misfortune that came my way was stones piled onto me.
If even one more climbed to the top, I would break.
I sighed heavily.
A broken static sound exited my desk. Startled, I removed my mask to hear clearly.
"Si—mon?"
Sitting up, I flipped on my desk light and shut off my oxygen device. Before I'd even reached my desk and pulled back the drawer, I knew what the broken sound belonged to. I hissed when pinching my fingers in the drawer upon closing it.
The walkie-talkie in my hand was an outdated version that had come in a pair, and I'd managed to snag it off a fellow soldier before he threw them away. The other walkie-talkie I had given to Ruith a while ago. I had wondered if he'd ever use it.
"Are you there? Simon?" His voice came out staticky but soft.
Pressing the talk button, I almost responded before remembering all the reasons I couldn't. I should ignore him—take my walkie-talkie outside and smash it against the steps so he could no longer reach out to me. But I remained frozen in place. I latched onto the kind notes in his voice and the idea of him waiting for me—waiting to save me.
I didn't deserve to have such desires. Not when I planned to hurt Ruith. However, I was weak to selfishness, and I felt it now, encouraging me as it always had. And it told me that if I could have even a moment of happiness before I died, I should snatch it.
Even if I was undeserving?
"Simon—"
"I'm here," I breathed. Closing my eyes, I turned and leaned against the desk. "It's late, Ruith. What are you still doing out?"
He dodged my question. "You didn't come today."
"Yeah," I whispered.
"I waited for you," he shyly admitted, huffing quietly afterward as if he couldn't believe he still sat out there waiting for me.
"Ruith…" Let's not see each other anymore. I needed to say it, but I couldn't bring myself to. When I opened my mouth, nothing came from it.
"Can I see you?" Ruith asked, tunneling through my struggle. "I have something I want to give you."
I ran a hand through my hair while my heart pounded in ways I knew I needed to ignore. "It'll be suspicious if soldiers see me entering the forest this late," I lied, as I was familiar with a few of the personnel stationed there.
"There weren't any military today."
My eyes opened, my heart bouncing with the speed of a bullet. Standing straighter, I struggled to find words. "Ruith…why would you know that?" It was quiet on his end for so long that I had to urge him again. "Why do you know that Ruith?"
Worry had me flexing my fist and throwing my gaze to the sole window of my room. No way…There was no way Ruith would…
As though discovering my fear and wrapping it as a gift for me, Ruith revealed, "I crossed the forest edge. I don't know where I am but…there aren't many people around—"
I was rummaging through my closet the next second, pulling a light hoodie over my head and grabbing my satchel. My window frame practically broke with the speed at which I opened it.
Outside, the night was warm, and I held the walkie-talkie close to my mouth. So terrified for Ruith's safety, I wanted to scold him, yell at him even, because how could he do something so rash for my sake? I wasn't worth it. Seriously, I wasn't. And he would discover that soon.
From now on, Ruith would need to protect himself. Because I couldn't.
"Where are you?" I asked in distress. "Outside the forest we always meet? That's a little ways from where I am."
"There are a few buildings around here, but I don't see anyone."
Relief took control of my quick steps, and I felt calmer recognizing which abandoned store buildings Ruith referred to. "Slip between them if you can and wait for me."
A quiet "okay" came from his end. I shoved my hands in the large pocket of my hoodie and walked briskly for nearly an hour. It was after midnight, and I only encountered a few people going on walks or smoking outside their houses. Eventually, I approached a building-dense area. Many were no longer in use because they were too close to the forest.
Sometimes brave and stupid kids dared to roam this far, hence the need for guards.
However, as the forest edge came into view, the dark foliage dappled with the color of moonlight, I saw no one. No trucks, no lights, no soldiers. It was strange, and my nerves were heightened in alert.
I retrieved my walkie-talkie from my bag. "Rui—"
Something tugged my arm, pulling me into the darkness between two close buildings. I backed into the stone wall. But then I recognized the cloaked figure in front of me. Ruith lowered his hood gracefully, and seeing him safe before my eyes had my worry temporarily subdued.
He curled his fingers around mine, and I felt his nervousness when he squeezed them. But joy radiated the smile he lifted.
"Hi," he whispered.
I was almost too afraid to speak, fearing someone might be nearby. But I hadn't encountered anyone in a while.
Quietly, I gave a small "Hi". Then I returned the squeeze, remembering the worry I'd endured throughout the journey here.
"Ruith," I firmly began, "you can't do this again. Just because you don't see anyone guarding the forest doesn't mean there isn't anyone nearby. You could've been spotted."
You could've been killed.
On his pointer finger, Ruith balanced a small sphere of light that caught on his golden rings, connected by dangling chains.
"I think I've given you the wrong impression of me, Simon."
"Meaning?"
Ruith stepped closer, his eyes stuck on mine. "I acknowledge that following rules is important, but for someone I care deeply about," he blushed slightly, and my breath stuttered with anticipation, "I can just as easily ignore them."
I couldn't criticize him for that or even consider the notion ridiculous. Because for Ruith, I had been doing the same. Breaking rules, missing curfews, and lying in my reports, all so I could see him—so I could pretend this growing bond between us was okay and we could hold onto it forever.
My head throbbed from the weight of my world. And through the pain, even if it was wrong and I was undeserving, my heart pined to keep Ruith close to me.
I sank to the ground, exhaling a dry laugh. What am I doing here? Why was I creating another memory with Ruith that I couldn't take past the grave? What was the point of it all?
Ruith crouched, his eyes worried on me. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"I don't believe you."
"I'm fine, Ruith." Please notice. Please help me.
"Then why won't you look at me?" His warm hand came to my face and lifted it so my eyes were on his. Then he searched my gaze, tearing down walls inside of me to reach what remained of my heart. Could he touch it? If I gave him the key, could he revive it?
Ruith extinguished his magic, returning us to darkness, save for the dim moonlight that reached where we were. He dropped to the ground beside me, bumping my shoulder giddily like a kid.
"I have something for you," he said.
From a pocket in his cloak, he pulled out something that greeted my nose first. It smelled delicious.
"An apple pastry," he revealed. "My father doesn't like apples, so our cooks rarely make them, but Taegen requested a batch for his friends in the nearest village. This was the last one."
"You put your life in danger just to give me this?" I asked incredulously. The pastry was wrapped in a velvety material, and it smelled delicious, but I wasn't in the mood for it. Ruith's explanation had sounded like a poor excuse.
"And to see you," he admitted. "It's been a few days since you came to the lake."
I decided not to mention that I had been there yesterday, in the early afternoon, and he'd been nowhere around.
"Taegen wouldn't have let you come this far, so where is he?" I asked, saving the pastry in my satchel. My hand brushed the scratched surface of the Bible I'd placed in there yesterday. I'd thought I would try to read it. I hadn't even looked at it.
Ruith removed his cloak and folded it neatly on his lap. "I told you. Taegen is busy." He patted his lap after that, and when my brows furrowed, his eyes softened. "Please? My legs are cold."
I almost laughed at the obvious lie. It was adorable, but I knew Ruith just wanted to comfort me. He could sense something was wrong but didn't want to upset me by prying for information. I considered his offer—knew it'd leave my heart yearning when our moment ended.
I shuffled, lying down with my head on his lap anyway. And I faced away from him so he couldn't pull secrets out of me with that kind gaze.
Ruith's hand came to my hair, where he massaged my scalp. I trusted him. I trusted him so much that I almost, almost, thought it alright to tell him everything that swallowed me whole.
That was wishful thinking.
I didn't want to talk, but I wanted to hear his voice. That way, I could focus on his melody and not my thoughts. My bag was curled beside me. I pulled out my dad's Bible and waved it.
"Do you know anything about this?" I asked.
Ruith accepted the book, a quiet gasp coming from him. "Yes…my brother had the same one." I could hear him turning it in his hands. "He must've acquired it from this world."
I hummed tiredly. "And…do you believe any of that stuff in there?"
I didn't know what I was reaching for. Hope, maybe, that my dad's lessons about God had been honest and that it wasn't hopeless to desire someone bigger than myself to save me.
"Yes." Ruith shifted a little. "My brother taught me a lot about this book, but I've rarely read it. Do you believe in God, Simon?"
"I don't know."
Ruith went quiet, and I opened my eyes, even though I was not facing him.
"Do you?" My words cut through awkward silence.
He exhaled something heavy as if his answer had been something he'd fought hard for. "I do, but I doubt Him sometimes. Whenever there is chaos in my province, or I feel intense grief, I wonder where He is." He paused for a long time, stroking my hair silently. "I prayed alone for the first time when I learned my brother was sick. I begged God to save him, but he still died.
"I wanted to follow after Elion because I was lonely without him, but I was too cowardly to take my own life. So, I begged God to take it for me. And do you know what happened?"
Inside, I ached deeply from the pain Ruith had endured. And I wished I didn't know how it felt to experience the same heartbreak. My heart had carried the same sadness since then.
I flipped onto my back to look into Ruith's eyes.
His smile was unexpected as he brushed his knuckles across my forehead. "He sent me you."
Frowning, I wondered, "Are you sure my coming to you wasn't a coincidence?" It was hard to believe God would send someone like me to save him.
Ruith shrugged. "Maybe it was. But isn't it much more wonderful to believe in a higher being that delights in providing for us? I can't deny His existence when He delivered you to me in my most desperate time of need."
Ruith's hand paused on my hair, and his lips pursed shut. He was embarrassed. I thought it adorable how he blushed through the remarkable things he said. But I couldn't understand why he was so fond of me.
I pulled a sigh deep from my lungs. Maybe I could learn from him. Maybe I could be hopeful like him.
"Can you read it to me?" I whispered. Can you talk my ears off one last time?
He opened the book and turned a few pages. "Where should I start?"
I closed my eyes. "The beginning."