"So are you and Ryan going to hook up or not?"
Sophia asked the question so quick that my brain couldn't even comprehend it for a long moment as I slowly looked over to face her. Her dark brown eyes were full of curiosity and I knew that she wasn't just going to drop it if I didn't respond. This was certainly not a conversation to have at work, but here I was, making a latte for a customer while trying to answer her.
I started shaking my head, laughing a little along with it. "It's just two girls, who definitely do not like each other in that way, going on a little hangout on Friday. Nothing to get all excited about." Sure I told her that, but on the inside, I was still freaking out.
Ryan hadn't called it a date so it probably was just a hangout, but my mind hated me. So here I was, trying to plan out every single aspect that I personally could control. What I would wear, what I would say, how I would act, how much makeup I would put on. Would I even wear makeup?
I don't know. If this was a date, Ryan definitely knew how to hide her nervousness about it. That's just how she was. Calm, cool, relaxed... Most of the time. There was that time I saw the marks on her arms and when Chase was on me. Oh...
I had almost forgotten how strong she had been and how dark her eyes were that night. I could barely see them through all of the blurriness, but it was there. That unfamiliar darkness that I had yet to come to know. She had kicked Chase until he couldn't even try to get up. Sophia had said he was taken to the hospital with several broken ribs. Ryan could be intimidating when she had to be, but the Ryan I knew wasn't unnerving at all. The one she let me see was sweet, kind, and beautiful.
But... The unnerving Ryan was still under there, lurking in the darkness, waiting for the right time to pounce. Maybe I was right before. Maybe I shouldn't get involved with this girl. She wasn't someone I was used to dealing with. She hid every single emotion she had inside of her and kept her noticeable body language down to a complete minimum. There was no way I would be able to tell how she was feeling or what she was thinking.
"You know, I don't even know if I'm going to go," I said, passing the finished latte to the waiting customer at the counter, then turning to Sophia. "I'm pretty behind on school work and we need to hurry with our mural and-"
"Artemis Kelley," she interrupted, her eyes narrowing at me. "I haven't seen you look at anyone the way you look at Ryan. At least not since that bitch Madison. This time will be different. You're far away from that university and from her. Not every girl will be like she was. You have to believe that." And of course she was right. Not every girl would be like Madison. That didn't stop the fear of falling for someone.
The story about Madison will have to wait for another time, unfortunately.
"I don't even know if Ryan is single or into girls. For all I do know, this could just be her trying to be my friend," I sighed and tried to focus on just taking the next customer's order.
Eventually, Sophia and I would probably get fired for talking so damn much on the clock and ignoring customers half of the time. Who am I kidding? This was one of the university's student job positions. They didn't actually care what we did. They don't even check on us throughout the day and our manager is AWOL most of the time. He has about the same level of maturity as a fifteen year old anyway. I could probably be a better manager than him.
As I was making the next order, I just kept thinking about the last thing I said. Was Ryan single? Was she into girls? I mean sure those converse with the rainbow stripe had made me assume she was gay, but I had never asked. She seemed kind of into me, but that could have just been her being nice or something. It wasn't something I could just walk up and randomly ask her. That seemed strange.
Maybe I would just have to wait and see the next time we saw each other.
Before I knew it, I was clocking out and heading to the art studio to work on the mural a little bit. I decided to just walk instead of taking the bus. It's a chilly day today, I mean it is December, but it is not that bad with my zip-up hoodie and jeans. Honestly, the cold didn't bother me. I preferred walking over riding a smelly, old bus anyway.
Shit.
It's December.
The college semester is over in just a week. I am going to have to do so much extra credit work to catch up... Unless I just decide to drop out.
No. That's not an option. Think of Mom, Art.
As I was lost in my thoughts, I could have sworn that I saw Ryan's long white hair out of the corner of my eye and I paused.
There she was. Down a sketchy, dark alley and talking to some hooded figure who was standing in a doorway on the left. My ears aren't good enough to hear what they are saying, but Ryan had a pretty serious look on her face as she talked while using her hands to emphasize the importance of this conversation.
I tried to only peek around the corner of the building, watching them quietly. Spying wasn't something I did often, but I really wanted to find out as much as I could about this girl before Friday night. The longer I watched her with this strange person, the more I felt guilty about spying on an obvious private matter.
She was wearing those white cloth wraps around her fists and wrists again. They were a bit bloody this time on the knuckles. She was also wearing her black leather jacket and white crewneck t-shirt. As I was checking out her outfit and the blood stains on her shirt, her eyes found mine and she raised an eyebrow slightly. There was that usual unreadable expression on her face as she turned back to the figure and said one more inaudible thing before starting in my direction.
I wasn't even sure what I had just witnessed. I didn't want to be confronted about the invading of her privacy at the moment so I quickly took off and was out of sight before she rounded the corner of the alley.
Where did all of that blood come from? What was she involved in that was that sketchy? Did I even want to know?
Hiding behind the last corner on the street, I had to place my hand over my racing heart and close my eyes. I was just trying to catch my breath, but that was proving to be very difficult at the moment. All my brain could do was come up with the worst scenarios to why she would have blood all over her like that.
She killed someone. Oh my God.
She's a murderer.
Of course the girl you like is a murderer, Art. Why wouldn't she be? This is just how your life goes.
As I was trying to calm the ringing in my ears, a familiar voice said, "Hey, are you okay?"
When I opened my eyes, I swear I almost jumped out of my skin while looking into those light blue eyes that always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking. After a brief moment, I finally managed to nod and take a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm.. fine."
She thankfully didn't bring up the things I just saw. Her jacket was zipped up now and she had apparently unwrapped her hands and gotten rid of the evidence on her way to find me. That only made me more concerned. Why was she hiding it if it really wasn't as bad as I was thinking it was?
I didn't know what to say or do, but she and I walked along down the crosswalk toward the creative arts building quietly. I guess she could tell that I wasn't exactly in the talking mood or maybe she just didn't know what to say either. She had obviously seen me watching her and whoever she was speaking to.
Whatever this was, I don't think I want to know. I liked thinking of Ryan as the sweet girl that has saved me from multiple bus rides and from the torturous conversations between me and an annoying boy. I didn't like thinking of her as some crazed, aggressive murderer. That put a really bad image in my mind.
I tried to just stop thinking about all of that for now as we walked into the building and I started toward the studio.
Her words stopped me, "Hey. Can I take you home again tonight?"
My brain wanted to say no, but my heart desperately wanted to say yes. It was like a strong war broke out in my mind as I thought over every pro and con, but in the end... My heart won.
"Sure."
- - -
When the time was drawing near for Ryan to take me home, I felt my hands start to get sweaty and the pencil kept slipping from my grip. Once it annoyed me enough, I just got up and started to put my things away neatly in the cabinets. It would be fine. She obviously wasn't one to hurt me. She saved me from Chase. If she planned on physically hurting me, she probably wouldn't have saved me.
Unless she wanted to hurt me herself.
Stop it, Art.
I walked over to a corner where I had set up a stereo and bent over to turn off the soft playing of Bring Me The Horizon, but a gentle hand stopped mine. Obviously, I flinched, but then I just slowly looked over and smiled a little. "Oh, hey."
"I love this band," Ryan laughed a little. She had changed into her Mythical Garden uniform shirt, the black polo with paint splatters down one side. For once, she wasn't wearing a long sleeve under the polo to hide her scars. Instead, her scars were just out in the open and I had to make sure I wasn't just seeing things or dreaming. She followed my gaze and kind of clenched her whole body for a second, holding her breath.
I hesitated at first, but then slowly ran my finger tips up the thin white scars that got thicker the further they went up her arms. I only stopped when I reached her elbows and very gently held onto them. I could feel her eyes on me, burning a hole through my forehead, before I finally looked up to meet her stare.
Her eyes were darkening, but I could tell that she was trying to fight it. She had a glimmer of light hidden in them. I knew she wasn't a bad person. She has just been through a lot and she didn't trust me yet. I could understand that.
But I wanted to see where her limits were.
"Are you hungry?" She whispered out almost forcibly while looking into my eyes. It's like she was just trying to find a way out of this moment. She looked afraid, or at least the look in her eyes told me that. Her hands gently held onto my forearms while I continued to hold onto her elbows. I could see it. This was as close as she was going to let me get. Here in this moment, I finally understood a piece of her and it terrified her.
Perhaps we were scared for different reasons, but the fear was there in both of us.
Breaking the moment, I finally took her hand and pulled her out of the studio and out to her motorcycle parked along the curb without another word between us. It was getting dark and there weren't that many people out tonight, but I was happy to go get food. Food made everything better.
She handed me her helmet and mounted her bike, waiting for me to pull the helmet on and get on behind her. Even though it had only been a couple of days since my last ride with her, I had weirdly missed it.
Or maybe I just missed her.
She revved the engine to life and we were off, heading down the road towards where all of the little restaurants were. One of my arms stayed tightly around her waist while my other hand checked my pocket for my wallet. I silently thanked God that I had remembered to bring it. The last thing I wanted was for Ryan to pay, even if she was the one that offered food in the first place.
It only took a few minutes to get to the small deli place on the corner and a big smile came to my face. My favorite place. She remembered.
She took me inside and walked up to the counter. I just ordered the same thing from last time, a turkey sandwich with a side of soup, and she ordered mac and cheese.. Then when the guy told us the total, I quickly pushed my card into the chip-reader and smiled innocently while Ryan jokingly glared down at me with a small smirk.
I loved how easy this all felt with her. We didn't even have to speak a word to each other most of the time. She was just so easy to be relaxed around. I definitely didn't feel like I had to try to impress her all of the time.
Ryan liked me for me, or at least she pretended to, and that was something I would have to get used to. Everyone else just sort of stared and spread rumors about me. No one took a chance to get to know me. No one until Ryan. I was so thankful for that.
Surely she couldn't be dangerous. She didn't look dangerous most of the time. Maybe what I had seen was just red paint, not blood. Maybe I was just looking at everything wrong. That had to be it.
She and I did exactly what we had done last time. We just talked. We talked about the art studio and about our jobs. Then the conversation moved on to classes and how hard some of them were. I also found out that she didn't have a dormmate. That second bed in her dorm that I had seen was open. That was good to know. It made me feel better about the time I had stolen her bed.
I saw her laugh and smile more while talking to me tonight than I had ever seen her do the entire month that I have known her. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy with dopamine. My heart was racing, but it felt good. This was exactly what I needed right now. Happiness. True happiness.
So what if she had secrets? I didn't care. She was what I needed at this moment.
At this moment, I felt free from all of my pain and suffering that I had been enduring on a constant loop in my mind. She helped me forget about all of it. Every sleepless night. Every tear I shed. Every sharp pain in my chest. She washed it all away.
When our night came to an end, she took me all the way to my sister's and I handed her the helmet back. When I went to turn and leave, my foot caught on the curb and I stumbled right into her.
God, why does she make me so clumsy?
Ryan's strong arms caught me as she let out a gentle laugh, her eyes watching mine closely as she tried to help me stand back up, but my legs were like jello, all wobbly and mushy.
"Are you okay?" She whispered, never breaking eye contact.
There had to be no air. I couldn't breathe, or at least I felt like I couldn't. I needed to know what was going on in her head, but she never revealed anything to me. My hand held tightly onto her toned bicep while I tried to slow my heart with a few very soft, slow breaths. Nothing worked, though. I could have sworn that I was going to have a heart attack.
I found myself slowly nodding to her question after a moment. We were so close that I could feel her light breath on my face. The feeling only made me start to lean in closer, my gaze flicking down to her lips a couple of times.
I watched her very subtly lick her own lips as she watched me like she was anticipating me to kiss her. Something inside of me finally pushed me forward into her, my arm wrapping around her shoulders as our lips collided.
Electricity shot through my entire body as we kissed. Our lips moved together in perfect unison while I gripped onto the collar on her shirt. What must have been seconds felt like hours and I was enjoying every single part of it. The world, time itself, seemed to slow down.
Her arms wrapped around me so gently, almost in a protective way, as she held me. She was an amazing kisser. I really didn't want to pull away and I think she could tell because she was the one to finally break our connection as she gently stood me up and pulled back.
A light smile came to her lips that I still had my full attention on. A real, genuine smile that I almost never got to see. "Goodnight, Art," she whispered, slipping her helmet on.
The way she said my nickname practically made my toes curl. She had never called me that before. Only Artemis.
As she drove off down the street, I just stared off in her direction. My feet were glued to the pavement when realization hit me.
What did I just get myself into?