The thing about grief is, there are stages. Or so my therapist says. The first is denial.Check. Then there's anger. Check. Bargaining. Check. Depression. Current. Acceptance. Not ever.
I started my new semester. My family, and Trevor's family all thought that I should take the semester off. Grieve. Just take some time to figure out my next move. I am not that kind of person.
I couldn't stand the quiet anymore. I moved back into our old apartment. I poured myself into school, into teaching dance, and into my work. I took up a journalism class to add to my major. I think I want to be a political science journalist and travel to different countries to experience and write about different cultures and their governing bodies.
I drift through month after month. Drinking became my crutch. I would come home from the studio and pour myself a drink or two. Then Hailey called me to meet her and Rachel for lunch Halloween day.
"So, we have some news." Hailey squeals. "WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" She shouts. They both squeal and reach for their hands.
I congratulate them. "Oh, that's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" My heart feels light. Which makes me feel guilty. I shouldn't be this happy without Trevor. I reach for my glass of wine and take another gulp.
"There's one more thing." Hailey looks at me seriously. "I want you to be my maid of honor." She reaches for my hand. I take it. "Please, say you will?"She pleads with me.
"Yes. Yes, of course I will." I squeezed her hand.
I get myself through my midterms, then through Thanksgiving. Through Christmas, New Years. The start of my Spring Term is approaching. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I get through the spring fling, mid-terms, finals. Summer of 2020 approaches.
It is almost time to plan for Hailey and Rachel's wedding. We go to a nice restaurant for their bachelorette parties, get our nails and hair done, go to a spa and get massages. We go to a bar and sing karaoke until all hours of the morning. Most of which, I don't remember. I feel a tug on my shoulder.
"You doing okay?" Hailey yells to me over the music. "You don't look very good."
"I'm fine. Just... trying to get through all this." I wave my hands around.
A week later and it is wedding time. I get ready in the bridal with all of the ladies standing with Hailey. Rachel and Hailey get ready in different rooms. I console Hailey as she has multiple freak outs.
"I can't do this! Why would I think I can do this? My own dad won't walk me down the isle. He said I was a disgrace, and I know that I am! I can't marry a woman! This is all a huge mistake. My dad won't even talk to me, how can I expect anyone else to?" She keeps trying to run out the door but I am holding her arm and planting my stiletto heels into the carpet to hold her still.
"Hailey! Stop! Hailey! I'm serious. Hey, y'all can we have the room please?" I yell at everyone to leave. It's just me and Hailey and I gesture her toward the couch. "You are not a disgrace. Your love for Rachel is not a mistake. Everyone thought that Trevor and I were too young to get married. Too stupid to marry before he left for basic. Too immature to make it through him leaving for Afghanistan." I feel tears running down my face. Hailey is still hyperventilating. "But you know what?" She shakes her head no. "Love always wins. And I know your love for Rachel will win. You two are end goals. You two are perfect. I could not be any prouder of you. Your courage to stand up to your dad and proclaim your right to love someone? Your ability to go out in the world and say you love a woman with all your heart is admirable. Now, you, my friend, are going to get up, put that hot dress on, walk down the isle, say 'I do' to Rachel, then plant the most scandalous kiss on her lips that anyone has ever seen. You got me?" I stand and pull her up.
She laughs and groans as she stands to her feet. She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. "How do you do that?" She looks at me. "You always lift other people up even when you feel down. I love you. I'm so happy you're in my life." She squeezes me even tighter.
The wedding ceremony goes off without a hitch. We all dance and eat and drink. Then, we all clink our glasses to start the toasts.
"I met Hailey in the third grade at dance camp. We found out that we only lived thirty minutes away from each other, and became best friends. At fifteen years old, she decided to tell people who she loves. Her father had a hard time with accepting it, but her mom just loved her and supported her. It caused a rift in their marriage, and Hailey stayed to live with her mom. Through all of the hard times, through the best of times. Through my wedding day, through the hardest time in my life. These girls, right here, were there for me. And now, I feel so blessed to be here for her and Rachel today. Rachel, I know that Trevor would have been your first choice for best man, and we all miss him terribly. I am so happy that you found love in Hailey. I just ask that the two of you make the most of every single moment. You need to love each other completely and honestly. Hold each other up and encourage each other in everything that you do. I love you both. I am so proud of you both. And here's to the start of your marriage!" Everyone cheers through tears. Hailey get's up and hugs me, then Rachel joins in.
"Thank you, I love you." Hailey says.
"Oh, thank you.Trevor would have loved this." Rachel said.
"He would've loved being your best man. But, thank you for the opportunity for being your bridesmaid. I love you both and am so happy for you both." We hug each other once more.
I drink myself into oblivion. My mom walks over to me, "Honey, why don't I drive you home?" She takes me out of the banquet hall and to her car. We get in and she starts her car. Then she shuts it off and turns to look at me. "Are you doing okay?"
"I'm fine. Why?" I say with slurred speech.
"It's just. Honey, I see you. I see you struggling. I see you slipping into this pattern of drinking, and honey, I'm just worried about you." She puts a hand on my arm.
"I'm fine. Can you just take me home, please?" I take my arm away from her hand and lean against the car window.
A few months later, I started up my senior year of college. It felt like I was just drifting in and out of consciousness. It's been over a year since the death of the love of my life. It was even harder to go through that than our first wedding anniversary by myself. I called it my year of firsts. My first holiday without him was Halloween.My first wedding without him. And I start to sink further and further down.
I drink and drink at night. When that doesn't work, I smoke weed. When that doesn't work, I start doing pills. It was Halloween night at my sister's Halloween party and Hailey noticed something off about me. Then all I saw was blackness.
Two days later and I woke up in the hospital. I look around at all the machines surrounding me. Amanda and Hailey run out the door screaming for a doctor. A few nurses and a doctor come rushing in the room. The doctor shines a bright light in my face and welcomes me back.
"What happened?"
"Well, my friend..." The doctor puts the light back in his coat pocket. "You had an overdose." I just stare blankly at him. Then he goes on to tell me that they pumped my stomach and then gave me Narcan. Then, I was put into a medically induced coma until the drugs could safely pass through my system. "You're a lucky girl. But your luck isn't going to hold out if you keep this up."
"I'm fine. This is all just a mistake."
"No, ma'am. You need help." The doctor looks at me and then everyone else in the room.
"No I don't, okay? I am fine!" I yell at the doctor and everyone surrounding me.
"It's been my experience that those who think they don't need help, are the ones that need it the most." He smiles down at me. "I'll leave these with you. They're literature on local rehabilitation centers. Please, look them over and talk with your family." He pats my hand and heads out the door.
Two weeks later, I find myself in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I decided to take the doctor and my family's advice and get help. I go through all of the steps and really struggle through each and every day. My sponsor reminds me that I can only take each day one at a time and to not look too far into the future.
Family day arrives six weeks later and I see my mom, Amanda, Hailey, Rachel, and May sitting in the lobby of the rehab center. I walk over to them carefully. I've been nervous for this day since I checked myself into this place. They all stand up and run over to me, each hugging me and telling me how much they missed me.
We ate lunch and caught up with each other. Hailey pulls out her phone and shows me a video. "Hey, do you remember Christian from Romeo and Juliet?"
"I remember how obnoxious he was. Why?"
"Girl. He's famous in Europe right now. And he's starting to get known in America too!"
"Cool." I nod my head and pursed my lips. "Why are you telling me this?" I chuckle.
"Hey, I just thought I'd let you know!" She puts her arms up in surrender.
We all continue catching up until it is time for me to pack up and leave. In order for me to be successful, I have to move back in with my mother so that I can have a better support system. Then I have to go to meetings at least twice a week and check in with my sponsor every day.
I start school in under a month and am hoping that I can just pick back up where I left off. I get through Christmas and New Year's. My mom thought it would be "helpful" to have a dry party so that I wouldn't be too tempted. I tried to convince her that that wasn't as helpful, in fact, it was condescending. But, she insisted.
After a month of living with my mother, I finally moved out and into my own place. I finished out my semester with good grades and received my diploma in Political Science and Journalism. I got my very first job with Washington Post in D.C. and start getting into a brand new groove.
I re-branded myself, and became successful in my journalism job. Things are looking up.